"Better an oops, than a what if."-- Beau Taplin

"Saleeenna. Shehzer's old wife." Rania's words shattered for me, the world as I knew it. I stared bug-eyed at her, not wanting to believe her words. How can Shehzer not tell me about it?

"Oh sweetie, don't worry your brains over it. Rania meant to say that, Saleena is his ex-fiance. They never got to the marriage part." Marium Auntie hastens to correct her.

Why don't I feel any better?

I'm so used to getting unadulterated affection from Shehzer, that the idea of anyone else with him makes me want to throw up. Or kill someone.
I hate her. Faceless stranger. I hate the very fact that she once had what I have now, that she almost had Shehzer. I don't even care how hypocritical and irrational I'm being.

"So, how long ago was this?" I inquire quietly. It's embarassing that I have no clue about my own husband's past, and his mother's surprised face is testament that I'm right to feel this way.
"Uhh, I suppose it lasted about a couple of years. The engagement, I mean. It ended almost a year ago." Her expression turns pensive at the thought,"It's horribly ill-mannered of me, but that girl wasn't exactly good wife material. Shehzer would have been miserable with her."

If she was so freaking horrid, why didn't he ever tell me about it?

I feel dejected at the prospect of him with another woman. Even in the past, this relationship bothers me. The fact that he neglected to mention this teeny tiny piece of detail before or after our marriage, also tore at me. Does he still talk to her? Is she beautiful? All sorts of questions were popping up now.

"Why did they...break up?" I ask Auntie as she pours coffee into three mugs.
She glances at me before pursing her lips, "I think you should ask Shazz about it. He'll tell you everything."
Yeah, he'll tell me everything, just as he has done until now.
I don't argue any further though, and simply take the breakfast upstairs for him. I didn't say a word about this dilemma to him. In fact, I didn't say a word.
...........

It's been a week since the "Saleena Reveal".
I had stalked her enough on Facebook and Twitter, to know quite a bit about her. I had felt depressed for days after I first saw what she looked like.

She was the polar opposite of me. Hour-glass body, long (obedient) silky black hair, paired with smooth, caramel skin tone. Her eyes were light gold fringed with thick lashes. Exotic is the word that came to mind when I saw her.
I looked at my own pale and pink complexion, brown curls and too-tall frame in the mirror.

How can he propose to me after being with her perfection?

She was a smart-ass doctor too. Same medical school as Shehzer. I felt inadequate in comparison.

We had moved into Shehzer's studio apartment, while we searched for better living alternatives. I have been uncharacteristically silent about the huge thorn in my side. Shehzer tried to get me to open up, but I didn't budge.

I want him to tell me about it, without any prompting from my side. He knows about my past relationship, so it's only fair that he tells me about his.
Even with all the hints I dropped, he never elaborated on his own history. This makes our already confused marriage, even more dysfunctional. I am hating the distances growing between us. I hate the fact that my husband still hasn't kissed me. I hate the fact that he seems impervious to all my plans to seduce him.

And I have been trying very hard.

It almost kills me to admit that I stooped to googling: How to seduce your husband?
It was mostly baloney about making special dinners, and drawing scented candle baths. (I will sooner kiss a chicken than draw a candle bath)

I did try one of the suggestions though, by wearing something quite revealingly sexy to bed. I had to dig through Adiba's gifts to find one that was half-way decent.
It was a trial trying to figure out which limb went where. I was horrified at the amount of skin it succeeded in revealing, and it took an approximately half-an-hour pep talk in the bathroom before I decided to step out.

Shehzer knocked on the door before I could even touch the door-knob.

"Mina, love are you done? I need to grab my toothbrush."

I panicked. "Er, I'm not ready yet. Which color is your toothbrush? I can hand it over to you. You can brush in the kitchen."

I heard a sigh from his side. "Baby, the one that isn't yours, is mine."

Duh.
EMV raised an eyebrow over this, 'No wonder Victoria's Secret Angels never make it to college. Lingerie obviously knocks down a few IQ points.'

I wanted to slap myself at this idiocy. There were just two toothbrushes hanging from a glass holder by the sink. I grabbed the green one and carefully inched open the door to stick out the toothbrush. I felt him grab it, and my hand. I tugged uselessly at it.

"Mina. I can see you in the reflection." He chuckled deeply.
Darn. I cringed.
"You want to come out now?" He asks softly.
"Not really!" I squeak.
"You want one of my shirts to wear over it?" I melt at his offer.
I can do this. This is my husband. He loves me...and I love him.

I let the door swing open, revealing me in my red laced glory. It was knee-length with a plunging neckline, made with sheer chiffon. The back was...not there. I tugged at my curls to cover the front of it, shyly peeking up at Shehzer.

He looked stunned. Dazed. Intoxicated. His eyes burning me wherever they landed.
"Is this a test?" He croaked gruffly, "Dear God, what sins have I committed to be put through this torture?"

My heart sank at his words. I am so ugly; he thinks he is being tested. A sob threatened to make it's way past my throat.

Google said that men are very visual, so even a little effort on my part will go a long way to arousing his interest in me.
Google obviously doesn't know shit.

I pushed past him to yank open the clothes carton in his room, madly searching for my Pooh Bear PJ's.

"What's wrong love?" He squatted beside me, warily looking at my tear-stained face. I was heartbroken. I know I'm not as perfect as his ex-fiance in the looks department, but I have never had cause to feel insecure about my appearance. His words wounded me.

"This was a mistake. I never should have tried it on." I sniffle.

"Why did you feel like wearing it?" His breath tickled my nape. My hands froze as he shifted my curls away, placing gentle kisses along my neck.
"Mina?" He breathed, continuing to move his mouth on my shoulder, I could feel his words sear my skin.

"Because, I wanted y-you to w-want me." I stammer quietly.

He stopped nuzzling my neck to stare at me, puzzled.
"I always want you, love. You don't have to wear...this." His expression is so earnest, his fingers trailing along my face, flicking away tears. "Even though, I must say you look gorgeous in it...Those legs. Wow."

"Why haven't you kissed me then?" I demand petulantly. "If I'm so desirable, why aren't we living like a real husband and wife?"

His eyes sadden at that. "Because you're not ready yet. I want our first time to be untainted by our pasts."

"Is it because of Saleena?" I blurt out thoughtlessly. His hands froze on my neck.
EMV clucks in annoyance, 'Fantastic timing, you twit. Did you learn it from badly scripted soap operas?'

"How do you know about her?" He asks deadpanned. His eyes glinting with annoyance. I feel a wave of anger overtake me.

"It doesn't matter how I know. You should have told me about it yourself! You know about my past; don't I have the same right?" I glower at him, "Why did you hide her? Do you still have feelings for her?"

His eyes are cold now, earlier passion killed by my accusations.
"I didn't tell you about it, because she's irrelevant to me. I never had any deep, long-lasting feelings for her. We were involved more out of convenience, and our similar backgrounds than actual love..." He goes on to explain his reason for breaking up with her.

"SHE SAID WHAT ABOUT KITTEN?" I screeched. "That Bitch!" I was so angry, I wanted to find her, and scratch her perfect face for her. How dare she disrespect Rania? Had she no humanity in her?

"Calm down Minnie." Shehzer smiled at my ire, "As you can see, she's no longer in the picture for me. I won this round, because I got you instead." he drew me into his arms, resting his chin on my head. "Do you have any more unearthed secrets you want me to explain?"

I simply tucked my nose into his neck and inhaled. "Nope. Not tonight."
Why do you have to smell so good? Why?

"Are you sniffing me?" He chuckled from above.

I stopped in mid-sniff at that, "I have no idea what you're talking about."

I was at peace. Sort of.
.......

We soon managed to secure a really good condo for us. It's near to his mother's place, and overlooks the ocean bank.
I fell in love with it for the view alone. It's spacious rooms, carved fireplace, and glass sun room also helped in sealing the decision. Shehzer took one look at my delighted expression before saying, "We'll take it" to the realtor lady.

We're currently in the process of moving. It's a lot of hard work without any extra helping hands. I miss the luxury of maids we had in Pakistan. Perks of cheap labor! Shehzer's mom, and his friends drop in often to help with the packing, but we still have a lot of ground to cover.
Organizing my own stuff is easier, because most of my belongings are already in boxes.

I have to call Shehzer during the day to ask about his things. He works day shifts at his residency hospital, and I miss his presence whenever he isn't around.
"Hey, just called to ask about your sports equipment." I ask briskly, "Do you still play golf? And why on earth do you own a bowling ball?"

"How are you doing today love?" He chuckles back, making me feel bad about not asking him the same thing.

"I'm good. How're things at the Chop Shop?" I chirp back. He snickers at the name.
"Things are...y'know, the usual. But, I do have good news."

"Oh yeah? What?" I smile at a baby photo I just unearthed from one of his drawers. He was smiling toothlessly from his perch on his dad's shoulders. This must have been from before the divorce. Both of them looked happy together. His dad looked remarkably like Shehzer, with the same lean, good looking features. Though he sported a moustache instead of my husband's stubble.

"We're invited to a post graduation dinner party tonight. My entire Medical School batch will be there." He informs me. Unaware of the panic he just put me into.

"Ya Allah! Shehzer, you're telling me NOW?" I yelled at him. "What the hell am I supposed to wear on such short notice? Our house is currently in boxes!"

"Relax Mina. It's a formal affair, and you can wear one of the thousand formal dresses you own. Geez, women and clothes...."

"Those dresses are traditional stuff dude. I'd look ridiculously out of place in them!!" I wailed back.

"You won't look ridiculous. Most of my batch-mates are Indian/Pakistani, and they often wear traditional stuff. Believe me, you'll be safe." He reassured me.

It hit me then.
Saleena will be there.

I grit my teeth determinedly. I will look my best tonight, even if it kills me. She'll know that Shehzer is doing much better than her!
......

I fidgeted nervously with my hair, leaning into the mirror to double check my lipstick. Red. It complimented my black, red accented Saree perfectly. I am a bit self-conscious about looking out-of-place, but Saree is technically a formal, floor length dress, no?

"You sure this is how we pin sarees?" I ask my Ma on skype. Adiba and my Mom had guided me in my quest through actual demonstrations.
"You did a good job beta. You look lovely Mashallah!" My mom looks proudly at me.

I feel so incredibly feminine in this dress. This is my first time wearing a saree on my own. The last time I wore it (which was my first time) was for my farewell party at University.
Ma had caved in with difficulty, because she had very peculiar notions about Saree; foremost of which, was the edict that unmarried females shouldn't wear it. Now that I was well and truly hitched, I could wear whatever I wished.
Diabolical, I know.
Last time she had done the technical work involved in tucking in folds, and pinning the fall into manageable sash.

This saree was a gift from my Ma. It was a flowy, black vision of intricately embroidered lace/silk. The sheer material displayed the red-toned underskirt, making the dress change colors intriguingly whenever I moved.
It was of a modern cut, with belts, and hooks, so my work was fairly easy, Although, I still had to rely on faith, velcro and six huge safety pins, to hold my outfit together. The blouse was a tiny, fitted chiffon thing, with varying hooks for length.

Once I hung up on Skype, I experimented with the blouse length. An evil idea popped into my mind. I'll tease Shehzer tonight!!

I laid out his dinner jacket, ironed pants and maroon tie in the adjoining room. I texted him to get ready in that room, and not to bother me.

Soon, I heard him enter the apartment, and go straight into the shower. After a while, I heard the water stop running. I gleefully rubbed my hands, checking my appearance one last time.

My hair was pinned into a loose, braided chignon at my nape, a curly tendril tucked behind my ear. A delicate gold chain threaded around my neck. My eyes sparkled under the smoky eye makeup, and the red lips sealed the deal.

At the risk of sounding arrogant; I looked pretty damn good.
The saree has got to be the epitome of womanhood, as far as I know. I feel elegant, and delicate in it.

I adjusted the blouse length for my husband's benefit, giggling at the thought of his reaction. Right now, it ends just above my midriff, exposing glimpses of my pale waist from the side, and back. I would never actually dare setting foot outside in something so revealing; I just want to see Shehzer's face when he sees it.

I grab my beaded clutch as a knock sounds at the bedroom door.

"Come in" I call out.
He twists the door open, "We're getting late Min-"

I fully turn around to find him gaping at me, silent in mid-sentence. His damp hair is shoved away from his forehead, his tie looks hastily knotted.
"Well? Is this okay?" I gesture at my dress, "You like it?"

He swallows a few times before gruffly saying, "I love it, actually...."

I glide over to him-glide, because that's pretty much the only way to move in this thing. I tug him forward with his tie, quickly un-knotting it to start from scratch. I couldn't help admiring him; nobody fills out a suit, quite like Shehzer.

He slowly pulled me closer while I worked, his hands gliding to encircle my exposed waist.
"I don't think you need to tie this thing, because we're not going anywhere." His eyes smoldered at me, my heart thudded in response to it.

"Why not?" I breath out, resisting the urge to touch his lips. They looked so intriguing up close; his lower lip fuller than the other one. Firm yet soft-looking. His jaw clenched at my inspection.

"Over my dead body is any other man going to lay eyes on my wife." He scowled, stroking my waist.

I nearly strangle him with his tie at this chauvinistic attitude.

"You're lucky I was only teasing you, or else I'd be pissed off at this neanderthal-ish behavior." I grin up at him, secretly pleased by his possessiveness. "This thing has hooks, see?" I lean down to fix the blouse into a more decent length. "Everything's covered. Happy now?"

"Not particularly." He frowns at me. "You look way too beautiful. I vote we stay at home, and order Pizza."

"Shehzer, I spent hours trying to look good enough!!" I wailed back, "I'll call Kulsoom Nani for support if you don't take me out!" She had recently warned us during a Skype call, that she had two kids living in New York, and that it might strike her fancy to make the trip here.

"I suppose I'll have to get used to your perfection." He sighs dramatically, bending down to kiss my nose. I rolled my eyes at his cheesiness.

"Isn't this your Mom's car?" I asked, staring puzzled at the Minivan. I was wrapped in a cashmere shawl, to ward off the cold.
"Yep. I don't have a car right now. Will get a new one in a couple of weeks. Inshallah." He says nonchalantly, opening the car door for me. It was a feat of gymnastics in my saree, simply ducking into the car seat.

"What happened to your car?" I ask curiously. I hadn't actually noticed the lack of car; it never rang a bell before now.

"I-Uhh...I gave it away. Like, I donated the money I got from the sale." He mutters unwillingly.
Wow. That's big of him. Too big...

"Why'd you do that?" I prod relentlessly.
He mumbled something back.

"Can't hear shit, Shehzer!"

"I said, I donated it in your name." He finally relents.
Oh. My. God.

Apparently, a few months back, during a fateful phone call with my brother, he had made a bargain with Allah. Ali had worried him, so he had bargained his car for my safety.
I was bowled over by this information. I meant more to him (even before our marriage) than a fairly expensive car.
I had no idea what to say in response.

I was familiar with these bargains.

Allah please let me get an A in this exam, I will do 20 rakats of extra prayers!

Allah, please make this horrid pimple go away before Eid, I will give away 40% of my Eidi to charity.

Everyone bargains with God, in their own way.
I remember during college, Adiba used to bargain stuff on my behalf, "Ya, Allah! Please make the teacher too ill to take the quiz. Mina will offer 40 rakats of prayer in exchange."

I think it's funny, how our desperation makes us reach out to Him like that. As if our fates are hinged on numbers; prayers, charity, fasts. Who knows? It might just work, if we have enough faith. Right? It was heartening to know that there's someone out there for me who'd get desperate enough to bargain for my safety; someone who isn't even my blood family.

"Umm, what model was it?" I ask him lamely.
"It was a 2008 Beemer." He shrugs. A freaking BMW!! My husband gave away a BMW for me! "I donated the money to a Children's Cancer Hospital in Lahore. They set up a fund in our name."

"Shehzer, I don't know what to say...." I glance at his profile as he drove. I leaned over the console to place a kiss on his cheek, trying to convey my feelings through it. "You have the biggest heart I have ever seen." I kissed him again.
The car swerved a little bit, making me jerk back to my seat. The smile on his face was worth it though.

Author's Note:
Three days.

Three days, without a WiFi connection. Life feels incomplete folks. #TrueStory

Anyways, hope your prayers and rozas are going great. This month is special!

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