1999

I snagged two bottles of beer from David's kitchen and flipped the caps off both, before wandering outside. I probably looked perfectly calm on the outside - I was counting on that - but inside I was a wreck.

I'd fucked it big-time tonight.

I dropped onto the bench in the back garden. It was mid-February and probably freezing, but I'd never really felt the cold. Which was a good thing; I didn't feel like going back into the party anytime soon. I didn't want to risk seeing Iona kissing Gary Johnson again. The image was already imprinted on my brain, and there was a ball of jealousy coiling in my stomach.

I actually felt a bit sick.

"It doesn't look like she's coming, mate," Danny had said to me earlier that night, his face sympathetic. We'd been at the party for nearly two hours and there had been absolutely no sign of Iona or her friends. She hadn't actually been certain she was going to make it, I supposed, but I couldn't help the bitter disappointment swirling around in my brain.

I nodded, resigned. "Seems that way." I accepted a shot of sambuca he poured for me. And then another. I hadn't participated in much underage drinking at that point, so I was understandably a bit of a lightweight.

Who was I kidding anyway? I thought to myself wryly. It's not like Iona had ever given me the idea that she liked me as anything more than a friend. Sure, there had been that moment we'd had at the barbecue all those months ago, but I'd probably been imagining that. I'd wanted to be with her for so long that I was delusional, spotting signs that were never really there. Projecting my own intense feelings onto her.

Maybe I needed to just move on.

I accepted a third shot from Danny and then went in search of a bathroom. In a house this size I figured there had to be at least three. A tipsy blonde girl stumbled out of one of the loos right in front of me in the hallway. She nearly went over on her ankle so I instinctively grabbed her to steady her.

"Thanks! I'm so sorry," she giggled. She glanced up at my face and it seemed that her greeny-blue eyes lit up. "You're Ryan Thorne!" She informed me.

"I am." I nodded solemnly, trying not to smile.

She held out a hand. Her fingernails were long talons, bright red and sparkling like disco balls. They made me think wistfully of Iona's nails which were far shorter and usually painted some sort of pale pastel shade that often reminded me of ice cream. The other day they'd been mint green. "I'm Christine," the girl grinned. "I've been wanting to meet you for a while."

I seemed to have acquired somewhat of a reputation that I didn't deserve over the last couple of years. A lot of girls seemed to think I was the school stud or something (the rest of them thought I was gay because I'd avoided kissing them, remember?). It just messed with my head as nothing could be further from the truth.

But regardless of whether it was fact or fiction, everyone knew who I was now, including this girl Christine who I'd never met before. Which was very unsettling. I didn't really enjoy the attention.

Awkwardly I excused myself to go into the bathroom but she was waiting for me when I came back out, leaning against the wall opposite. "You're really quite intriguing, Ryan Thorne," she said. I wasn't sure if her confidence was due to the high levels of alcohol in her system, or she was just naturally like that. I was a little bit scared of her. Either way, she snaked an arm around my waist to pull me closer and started to kiss me.

I wanted to pull back and protest. She wasn't Iona, and it didn't feel right. But Iona wasn't here and despite myself, my body was still responding to the hot blonde girl sliding her tongue into my mouth. We were right in the middle of the entrance hall, and I'm pretty sure I heard someone cheer at the public display. I was also vaguely aware of a doorbell ringing, of a blast of cold air pushing its way through the hall as the door opened and closed behind some latecomers.

As far as first kisses went, it was okay. I'm pretty sure Christine had more experience than I did, so I just let her take the lead. But I just . . . I wanted to get away from her. My brain was trying frantically to find a way to disengage from the kiss without offending her.

Thankfully, it was Christine's own earlier actions that eventually saved me from a kiss that had already went on far longer than I wanted it to. "Christine, your sister's here to pick you up," someone called.

"Damn it," Christine muttered against my lips. She pulled away. "I called my sister twenty five minutes ago to come and get me as I thought this party was a bust. Didn't realise I was about to run into Ryan Thorne at that point."

I really wished she would stop full-naming me.

"I could stall her," she said hopefully, running a hand down my cheek. "The night doesn't have to end yet."

"No, that really wouldn't be fair to your sister, you'd better go!" I assured her hurriedly.

She pulled her coat from a hook on the wall and shrugged it on. "Well, I'll see you around school, I guess." She pressed one last kiss against my lips and backed away. "Bye for now, Ryan Thorne."

I was just so relieved she hadn't asked for my number.

"Bloody hell, mate, Christine Menzies is like one the hottest girls in school," someone said from behind me. I tensed as I recognised that voice.

Fucking Martin.

I hated Martin. He'd been on the perimeter of my friendship group since the start of high school and seemed to have edged his way further in over the years. The thing was, I had yet to pinpoint any of my other friends who actually liked him . . . We all just seemed to tolerate him. And even tolerating him was hard.

I didn't particularly want to talk to him. I never did. "She's alright," I said warily, turning to face him.

He smirked. He truly was odious. "Don't think your wee friend was too impressed when she turned up to find you with your tongue down Christine's throat though."

My heart froze. There was only one "wee friend" he could be talking about. My friends, in varying degrees, all knew I had feelings for Iona. Even, unfortunately, Martin.

Iona had turned up after all? Iona had saw me kiss Christine?

"Don't worry though," the prick continued airily, pointing towards the open living room door. "She's in there snogging the face off Johnson right now so I guess she's over it."

Fuck. Focusing in on the room I could see her curled up on Gary's lap, their lips moving against each other. He pulled back and offered her a swig of beer from his bottle. She laughed and accepted, before they started kissing again.

I was devastated. I couldn't even say anything else to Martin at that point; I just stalked back into the kitchen, collected my bottles of beer and went outside to soak myself in my own drunken misery.

So she liked Gary.

Maybe it was a good thing Christine had kissed me after all. I clearly wouldn't be kissing Iona anytime soon. If ever.

I finished off the first beer and moved on to the second. I'd no idea how much time had passed since I'd first came outside. Minutes and hours had lost all concept after I'd witnessed Iona and Gary together.

I'm fully aware I was being completely over-dramatic, by the way. I was indulging in full-on Angst Fest 1999. Just leave me to it.

Suddenly I became aware I was no longer alone in the garden. Iona had walked past where I was sitting, unnoticed, and was staring into the ridiculous fountain.

"Hey Iona." I wanted to alert her of my presence before I gave her a fright, but apparently my voice coming out of nowhere scared her anyway. Smooth, Thorne, smooth.

"You gave me such a fright," she gasped, nearly dropping the glass she was holding. "What are you doing out here?" She sat down beside me and that vanilla scent drifted past my nose again, sucking up the air around me.

"Taking a breather," I replied. I couldn't look at her. "So . . . You and Johnson, eh?" I huffed out a laugh, aware of how false it sounded.

"I had to get it out of the way eventually, I guess," she said lightly. I whipped around to face her, her words confusing me.

"What do you mean?"

"It was my first kiss," She blushed.

"You're kidding!" I couldn't believe it. We could have actually been one another's first kiss that night! Then I remembered she didn't actually fancy me anyway and that the point was therefore moot.

"Oh Christ, please don't tell Gary that!" She said. "I think I did a half-decent job of pretending I knew what I was doing."

"Don't worry; your secret is safe with me."

Iona suddenly winced. "Oh shit. Gary's in my reg class. I'm going to have to see him every day. And he said he really fancies me. If he wasn't just spinning me a line, that's going to get so awkward."

"It wasn't a line," I said softly. I knew several guys who thought Iona was hot; I hated them all. "He fancies you. Everyone - I mean, they all do." I'd nearly given myself away there. "You must realise that."

"Yeah right." She shook her head.

We were both quiet for a minute. The vanilla-scented air was tense again. I found myself filling the silence.

"You were really late tonight. I thought you weren't coming after all." I wanted her to know that the Christine kiss shouldn't have happened. That it hadn't been what I wanted. But I couldn't say the actual words.

"Oh you know what it's like, we couldn't decide what to wear," she said lightly, as she drained her glass. "I'm going to head back inside, it's getting cold."

The next words flew out of my mouth unintentionally. I had no control over them at all.

"Tonight, with Christine? That was my first kiss too. I just . . . Thought you should know."

I'm not sure why I wanted her to know. But it somehow seemed important she did.

Our eyes met again for the briefest moment. Confusion flickered in her eyes. "Thanks," she said eventually. That was it.

Then she went back inside.

I let out a sigh of relief as I replayed our conversation in my head and realised she didn't actually seem to be into Gary after all. Maybe I did still have a chance.

And I vowed to myself that at some point, hopefully soon, I'd work up the courage to just be honest with her.

I just had absolutely no idea how I was going to go about it.

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