Prompt Winner: Congratulations goes to The3dreamers for winning the August title! You can read her winning piece in the August Prompt Challenge chapter. September's Challenge is up, enter for your chance to jump the queue and win a spotlight.

Contest Time frame Change: Some members have already noticed, we now have overlapping rounds to give you an extra couple of days to finish up your critiques. Rounds will still be posted Fridays but the deadline will now be the following Sunday. Hope this clears up some confusion.

Comment Tip: Please remember, every NBR member has his/her own opinion about the spotlight content. It's important to respect your fellow NBR members reviews and perspective. It can be a victorious day when you agree to disagree.

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Comment Topic: Pacing is important. Too slow and you lose the reader. Too fast and you may lose the details. Comment about the pace of the chapter. Too slow? Too fast? And how can it further be improved?

Commenting time frame (CST): Sept 9 to Sept 18

Moderator: mokbook

Hit those stars please =D

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Author #1: GirlsCanRockToo

Book Title: Radiation Children

Specified Chapter: Chapter 4--Our Monsters Who Lie in Bullet Wounds

Summary Thus Far in Book: After Eliza escapes from a very deadly school shooting by Rebels---angry protestors and terrorists---she staggers home only to find that her parents are gone, taken to Washington D.C by government officials to stay safe and to find she and her little sister, Lucia, are safe. Eliza stumbles through her wrecked house and finds her younger sister, a deadly fight occurs with a pair of Rebels who have broken into their house, and when Eliza gets Lucia out of the house, she realizes that Lucia has been shot in the leg.

Author's Note: Thank you guys SO MUCH for reading our chapter, and for the wonderful opportunity we have. We're so thankful to all of you guys for helping us out and for the NBR members, as well! One of the reasons we chose this chapter was because of the emotion we just can't seem to pull out of this chapter because it's such an almost...paralyzing part.

So for our questions:

1. How can we better pull out the emotion in this chapter so that you feel right along with Eliza the fear she's feeling?

2. For some of you that read our chapter the last time it was spotlighted, it was overloaded with description...after all of the tips you guys gave us, we've been working hard to keep our description beast tamed. So what are some things you like and don't like about our description this time around?

3. The end of the chapter doesn't flow well to us. How can we make the end and the sentences, when they're in the Walmart store, smoother and less choppy?

Have a blessed week, guys!

Genre: Science Fiction

Rating: PG-13

Winning Comment: Regarding Authors' Note

Emotion: I think you did well in this area.  Lucy's condition became worse as the chapter progressed.  This, of course, intensified Eliza's reaction.  She expressed, sadness, fear and anxiety inwardly, while trying to appear calm and focused outwardly.  If you want to amplify Eliza's fear or add a bit more tension, you might mention distant sights and sounds of ongoing fighting or destruction, or some obstacle they must negotiate, like trying to get inside Wal-Mart without being seen.

Description: The description beast may be caged, but it's still obsessively pacing back and forth.   You've got some really fine descriptions going on here, really creative ones.  But some are a little unruly.  I brought some of them to your attention in line comments, pointing out awkward word choices or incorrect usages.  When a scene is intense and fast-paced as this one, the last thing you want to do is throw stumbling blocks of description in its way.  Adjectives are great, but if overused, they lose power.  For example, you girls REALLY like to make things "silent." That's fine.  Quiet scenes can be very intense.  But try on different descriptors that mean the same thing.  And when you've already described something a certain way, there's no need to describe it again.  If Lucy's complaints of pain wrench Eliza's guts once, readers will assume that further complaints will do the same.  And rather than telling us Eliza is experiencing gut-wrenching sadness, show us how gut-wrenching sadness looks upon her face, or how it sounds in the tone of her voice, or changes the way she sees her little sister and the world around them.

Ending: The girls' meeting with Malachi brought on an abrupt change of mood.  Where up to that point, things had been dreary, fearful, and sad, Malachi was like a jackhammer to a hangover.  In my opinion, his bright personality was too much, too fast. And Eliza, as cautious as she was, seemed sucked right into it.  I think she would have been much quicker to interrupt Malachi's games to tell him that her sister's wounds were her only concern at the moment.  That said, I think you there is a better place at which to end the chapter that would retain the current mood.  Just when Eliza thinks they are alone and relatively safe inside Wal-Mart, Malachi could appear, interrupting with dialogue that sounds a bit more threatening.  Ending the scene here would leave the reader with the question that you have Eliza asking next – Is he going to try to kill them?  Beautiful cliffhanging, page-turning torture. You could pick up the scene in the next chapter using Malachi's sarcasm and upbeat personality.  In this way, the mood change won't seem so jarring.

Comment Topic - Pacing

I've touched on this already, but I'll summarize here.  The pace of the chapter is good.  You accomplish that with intense imagery, biting emotion, and a harrowing situation.  BUT, it could be better.  Watch out for those instances when your desire to veer poetic oversteps the greater need to keep your reader engaged and moving forward.  Eliza would, realistically, be much too busy worrying about keeping herself and her sister alive to be so, SO reflective about how everything looks, feels, and makes her feel.  When life comes at us fast, there's little time for musing.  We act because we must.  Reflection comes later, after things calm down.  That's when we have time for poetics.

Network with this winner: TheAgminateMan

1st runner up: ChayAvalerias

2nd runner up: PackerBacker2

Final Author's Note: Thank you all so very much for taking the time to read and writing amazing feedback and reviews. They were extremely helpful, and we're happy to be in such a wonderful community of authors. Many of you guys pointed out weirdly-phrased sentences and others stated ways to better allow the two scenes in the chapter to flow. Again, thank you all :)

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Author #2 (2015 Wattys Winner): linahanson

Book Title: In My Attic

Specified Chapter: Day 1: Arrival (Chapter 1)

Summary Thus Far in Book: N/A

Author's Note: Hi folks, I've seen all the fantastic feedback on NBR and I'm really excited to hear what you make of my latest baby.

'In My Attic' is a special take on the cozy mystery genre - think Miss Marple channelling the 21st century. With a paranormal twist...

Anway, my questions for you are fairly short

1) A first chapter needs to hook the reader, does this one do (or not) the job and if so, how?

2) Is Myrtle a credible/relatable protagonist?

3) How would you expect the story to develop from here?

Genre: Mystery/Thriller

Rating: PG13

Winning Comment: Topic: The pace was pretty good, but there was an interrupted flashback that I stumbled on which I mentioned in an inline comment. Her thoughts aren't too much, as in they don't drag, and enough happens that, while it's a bit of a slower chapter, you can see why. It's certainly not a hinderance. As for your MC, I did have a hard time getting a good grip on her character, getting to know her well enough to feel for her. The internal thoughts are good, but perhaps a little vague whwn it comes to emotions sometimes. We know she's sad, but can't gauge how much until we see her crying. We should know before this that she's sad enough to cry.

The situation itself is sad, but at first, she was so concerned with the fact that she was taking over a business she didn't want to run, that it was hard to 'feel' her sadness about her aunt.

You say in your synopsis, on the title page, that this is more of a lighthearted novel, so it's going to be tougher to draw out emotions about death and family while maintaining a softer tone. A few grammatical errors, but not many, although you use ' instead of " It might be a good idea to change that. Your descriptions were pretty well done though. That I did really like. Good scene setting and not too much to hold up the scene or show unnecessary things.

For me, there wasn't quite enough of a pull or interest for me to read on. However, I do tend to like more in depth, serious novels, or ones with a wow factor, as in Sci-Fi and Fantasy. Cozy books aren't really my thing, although I do like PG Wodehouse's Jeeves and Wooster series, and Dickens The Pickwick Papers.

I don't think her confusion is stated enough for us to believe she's now wide awake and needing answers.

Either "close to a/the (crime scene)" or "close to (the) scene of (the) crime" would read better here

This line doesn't read like a question

"carpet (and) led up the stairs <and> along" moving the 'and' makes this line flow better. As is it reads like two separate lines

I don't think vacuumed is needes here as it doesn't add anything. Unless there are vacuum lines or it somehow hinders her progress. Because we all assume the carpet in a business area would be clean.

Why does she say hindsight is 'wonderful' thing? Is she being sarcastic?

While I know your use of 'apropos' is correct, cause I looked it up, it might confuse some readers as it's not a word used often in everyday speech

Great description!

This phone call is in the past, but the break from this, putting us in the present as she sits on the chair, pulled us out so much that going back to the past was a bit confusing. Maybe shortening the present tense paragraph or having an intro before the phone conversation happens would help. Just a thought

"Whether or not to place a period after Mr. and Mrs. depends upon whether you are following American or British usage.

In my American education I was taught to place a period after these abbreviations"2- "The rule is to place a period after each abbreviation...

Abbreviations of the following titles...are proper in any writing: Mr., Mrs., Messrs., Dr. –Walsh Handbook"

That's what I found

This last line feels off, a tense problem maybe. Having 'now' and 'no longer' and in past tense, it just doesn't read well to me.

I didn't think she was crying before this, or at least nothing sounded that sad. She even talks about being the "less than proud owner" which seems like she cares more about the negative side of inheriting the business rather than being sad about her aunt's death. I think at least telling us that, as she's looking around at the kitchen, it's in a sad nostalgic way, might help us understand the tears. Just a thought to help us understand the character's feelings better.

It seems like he speaks before he entered the kitchen, but surely he should be in the room first right?

Network with this winner: Tegan1311

1st runner up: TimothyMarsh

2nd runner up: theemmpress

Final Author's Note: Dear all,

thank you so very much for all your feedback. Choosing winners was almost impossible, as every single one of you gave me something. In the end I decided to come up with three categories

1) Best 'Shredder' i.e. a critique partner who took the chapter apart and gave me good ideas for the future. That was Tegain1311 (with ChayAvalerias as close runner up in that category)

2) The person who best understood what I was doing and confirmed I was on the right track. That was TimothyMarsh. His was the first critique to come in and it brought tears to my eyes. Wordsinsilk also did very well here!

3) And the best 'visceral' reaction to my story, simply giving me a genuine reader impact. That was TheEmpress but WriterVid was only millimetres behind.

Thanks also to the organisers, to keep us going every week must take a tremendous effort. Thank you @DawnStarling

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Author #3: SamSchloesing

Book Title: Tales of a Pirate Crew

Specified Chapter: Puerto Seguro - 1 - Betty

Summary Thus Far in Book:

Author's Note: I'm really happy to be spotlighted! It's a unique occasion to argue with every NBR member and to start fights over a comma. I would like to thank my parents, the academy and the NBR board. I dedicate this honor to the Pirate Queen, my beta reader, who will be solely responsible in case of grammatical issues. No animals were injured during the writing process.

Now... regarding the questions, I'd like to know how my intentions are perceived:

- I tried to focus on the action through the first chapters of my story, so I wonder if my descriptions are enough to feed your imagination. Can you picture the surroundings & characters?

- As I introduce a lot of characters in a peculiar way (no spoilers), I'd like to know if the dialogue is clear enough, and if the personalities I gave to my characters are starting to show?

- Betty being the entry point to introduce my characters, I'd like some feedback. What do you think about this way of presenting... Does it work?

Do not hesitate to make any comments you deem necessary, so that I can contest every one of them.

I hope that you enjoy this introduction to the Tales, and that you'll keep on reading (to meet the female part of the crew and to stumble upon the hint of a plot, for example).

Genre: Adventure

Rating: Disclaimer for the faint of heart: this is a story about pirates. Expect swearing, allusions to sexual practices, violence, blood, rum, etc... This is not the expression of the author's habits or opinions (except for the sex, the swearing and the booze). As US ratings are alien to me (I grew up in a liberal and decadent society), let's say it's somewhere between PG-13 and R...

Winning Comment: «Regarding Author's Note

Description VS Action: I think you did a fine job of sketching the scene where Betty was and what she was doing before the pirates arrived.  I could feel her discomfort.  When the pirates entered the scene – all four and a half – their identities were understandably difficult to distinguish.  For me, it worked.  Betty is in the dark, unable to see through the murk of wet weather, and her first inclination men are approaching is the sounds of their voices, uncertain in number.  They appear, their details coming into focus only slowly.  This is exactly the method by which you've introduced these pirates.  Readers who didn't catch this may not be used to such nuanced writing.

Characters: To begin with, see above.  I readily understood your peculiar way of introducing your pirates. By the end of this brief scene, I had some very clear first impressions of who is who and what distinguished them: The captain is tallest with a square beard, furrowed brow, and a black tricorn trimmed with silver.  He is clever and demands respect, but is also able to rub elbows with his crew. Stalker wears a red scarf, has a painted face, is angry at the moment over having lost a bet due to a technicality, and may be a generally unpleasant fellow anyway.  Tiago, who wears a brown hat with three colorful feathers, might be the captain's first mate.  He is more reserved than the others, and loyal to his captain.  The porter, Ooma, is short and wide with a long ponytail and a large black beard.  He's the one easily carrying the unconscious man, Steagle, and seems a little displeased to be doing so.  Even so, Betty describes his face as warm and gentle.  I don't think I have any of these confused, but if I do, maybe your readers are right about the confusion.  But I don't think so.

« [...] Betty: Having looked ahead at your chapter titles, I noticed that this is the only one from Betty's POV.  I'll assume this is because you have decided to use her just for this one scene for the sole purpose of introducing these four and a half pirates.  Without reading more, I can't say for sure that another POV wouldn't have been better, but it seemed to work very well in this scene.  I liked that personalities came through before visual descriptions.  Often times, when so many new characters are introduced at once, visual descriptions hit the reader like a laundry list (sometimes literally).  This was a refreshing change.

Comment Topic – Pacing

I know it's common practice in these NBR reviews to tear a chapter apart.  I've done it many times myself over the past 15 weeks.  But, I don't feel that it should be done "just because" or to fabricate a lengthy review hoping it will be selected as the winning comment.  If the chapter has few or no issues, that's what the review should say.  That said, this is one of those chapters.  It is very well polished.  So well, in fact, that I felt as though I was reading a published work.  The setting and subtle humor struck me in similar fashion as one of Raphael Sabatini's works might, though with an edgier feel.  All this to say, pacing issues were non-existent.  Many readers may prefer opening chapters with intense action or a shocking emotional scene, but I find such scenes to be more impactful if the norm is first established. The challenge of writing a non-action, non-emotional scene is with keeping it interesting. SamSchloesing has done this exceedingly well.

On a side note, I was thoroughly impressed by the steadfast way in which you've defended the choices you made to write things a certain way.  NBR reviewers should not concern themselves overmuch with stylistic choices, focusing instead on the more objective keys to good writing: pacing, setting, character development, logical flow, grammar, etc.  I was very pleased to see you hold your ground against those who would have you trade your unique voice for a bland mediocre one.  Kudos.

Network with this winner: TheAgminateMan

1st runner up: linahanson

2nd runner up: AhsokaJackson

Final Author's Note: This week and a half was epic!

I must admit I was scared at first, afraid of what NBR members would have to say about my first chapter. I saw myself delete every trace of the Tales and turn to another hobby, like collecting stamps from Bhutan or breeding Alpacas.

But in the end, most of the reviews were kind, supportive or even amazingly eulogistic. Thank you all for that!

I had to defend my choices sometimes, and I hope that I didn't hurt anyone by being too epidermic in my answers. I know that I didn't answer everyone, and plan to correct that as soon as possible.

I chose @TheAgminateMan as winner because he was very supportive—not in a partial, fanboy-ish way, but with intelligent arguments. He understood my choices and my style, and even defended them in my stead sometimes. My eyes are still wet because of that (or maybe it's sinusitis).

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