1. Overview

Welcome, dear writer, to the treehouse of growth. You've brought a tale steeped in emotion and conflict, balancing a delicate mix of rivalry, romance, and personal pain. "Secrets Within Secrets" follows Edith and Grayson, two individuals fighting the complexities of adolescence—complete with familial burdens, unspoken affection, and the quiet yearning for connection. Across the first five chapters, their stories unfold in alternating perspectives, revealing a layered narrative rich with potential. While the groundwork is compelling, certain areas invite refinement.

2. Grammar/Writing Style

Your prose reflects the raw emotions of your characters well. The introspection is heartfelt, and the banter between Edith and Grayson carries a natural rhythm. However, some structural issues and stylistic choices hinder the flow and clarity.

* Writing in the present tense can be tricky, but you handle it well for the most part. The immediacy works particularly well during emotionally charged scenes, such as Edith's moments of despair or Grayson's reflections on his past.

* Dialogue between characters—especially Grayson and Edith—is engaging and well-written. Their rivalry is conveyed with sharp exchanges that reveal their personalities.

* Edith's reflections on her father's expectations recur excessively, diminishing their impact. For instance, her repeated belief that "my father will never love me if I'm not perfect" is poignant the first time but becomes redundant by Chapter 3.

Suggestion: Instead of restating this theme, show its impact through Edith's actions (e.g., her rigid routines, her reaction to minor failures, maybe an action like pulling her hair up into a perfect bun or rechecking her outfit). Basically, show, don't tell. 

* Sentences occasionally run too long, particularly in introspective passages, leading to convoluted phrasing. Example: "Her presence...but a presence that I don't think I'd be able to grieve if she didn't show..." could be streamlined for clarity.

Suggestion: Break long sentences into shorter ones to improve readability.

* Some transitions feel abrupt, particularly in introspective-heavy scenes (e.g., Edith's self-loathing jumps directly to her using a sharpener blade in Chapter 3).

Suggestion: Add brief sensory details or subtle actions to ease transitions and ground readers in the moment. Such as her trying to prevent herself from giving in, an action that shows that she still knows that it's not good for her. Maybe she tries distracting herself, but gets jittery and anxious and really cannot help herself from doing so. Show her put up a fight, because while she is vulnerable right now, the readers still need to root for her to get better and believe the process and result when she eventually does.

Grammar and Typos:

Chapter 2: "Paddling" should be "pedaling" when referring to cycling.

Chapter 4: "...do the entire plan to give to Alan" is awkwardly worded. Consider: "I'll prepare the entire plan for Alan myself."

3. Character/Development

Your characters are multi-dimensional and relatable, and you've done an excellent job showing how their flaws and inner conflicts shape their behavior. 

Edith

* Her struggles with self-worth and perfectionism are painfully relatable. The cutting scene in Chapter 3 is visceral and evokes deep empathy.

* Her vulnerability shines in moments like her interaction with Arnold, where her longing for a parental figure becomes evident.

* Edith's thoughts often spiral into despair without much variance, making her perspective feel one-note at times.

Suggestion: Introduce moments of resilience or small victories to balance her internal struggles and keep readers invested.

* Edith's resentment toward Grayson feels underexplored. While she acknowledges her feelings stem from jealousy, diving deeper into her reasoning (e.g., how her father's criticism amplifies this jealousy) would add richness.

Grayson

* Grayson's guilt over his parents' deaths and his longing for Edith are compelling. His dialogue is playful yet sincere, which balances Edith's darker tone. 

* The scene where he recalls his traumatic nightmare (Chapter 4) adds depth to his character.

* Grayson's affection for Edith is clear, but his reasons for admiring her beyond surface-level traits (e.g., her intelligence or resilience) are underdeveloped.

Suggestion: Show Grayson reflecting on specific moments where Edith's actions impressed or moved him.

* While his backstory is poignant, it risks overshadowing his present-day actions. Integrating his guilt more subtly would maintain narrative balance. 

Ava and Jayce: Their playful dynamic provides a much-needed lighter tone. Ava's concern for Edith is genuine, and Jayce's unwavering support for Grayson is heartwarming.

Arnold: His role as a surrogate parent for Edith is touching. Consider exploring his backstory or motivations to deepen his presence in the narrative.

4. Vocabulary/Descriptions

Your descriptions are evocative and immerse readers in the characters' emotions and surroundings. However, some passages verge on over-description.

* The school's layout and the forest backdrop are beautifully detailed, creating a vivid sense of place.

* From Grayson's freshly laundered jacket to Edith's sharp pain from the blade, sensory elements heighten the story's emotional impact.

* Phrases like "black walls closing in" and "scribbles of my mind" appear repeatedly.

Suggestion: Experiment with new metaphors or imagery to keep descriptions fresh.

* Some descriptive passages—like Edith's cutting scene or Grayson's reflection in the forest—linger too long, slowing the pace.

Suggestion: Trim these sections slightly and weave description into actions to maintain momentum.

5. Pace

The pacing is uneven, with introspective chapters (1 and 3) feeling slower compared to dialogue-driven ones (2, 4, and 5).

Suggestions:

* During Edith's volleyball practice (Chapter 3), showing her zoning out while physically moving could convey her inner turmoil more dynamically.

* Introduce moments of humor or relief after heavy scenes to prevent emotional fatigue. Grayson's banter with Jayce provides this in parts but could be expanded.

6. Plot

The dual perspective adds depth to the story, and the slow-burn romance between Edith and Grayson is compelling. However, the overall narrative lacks a clear sense of direction beyond their personal struggles.

* The evolving dynamic between Edith and Grayson is a highlight, with subtle shifts in their interactions hinting at deeper connections.

* Themes of self-worth, guilt, and resilience are relatable and resonate strongly.

Suggestions:

* Introduce a central conflict or goal to tie the chapters together (e.g., a major school event or external pressure on Edith and Grayson's leadership roles).

* Plant subtle hints about potential twists or revelations, such as Edith's father's motivations or Grayson's past, to build intrigue.

7. Summary

Dear traveler, your story holds the potential to bloom into a tale both poignant and powerful. Edith and Grayson's journeys are intricate and heartfelt, but refining the pacing, relationships, and narrative stakes will elevate this work to new heights.

Overall Suggestions for Improvement:

1. Streamline introspective passages while preserving emotional depth.

2. Develop Edith and Grayson's relationship further by exploring their mutual respect and unspoken connections.

3. Introduce more moments of levity and resilience to balance the heavier themes.

4. Establish a clear overarching goal or stakes to drive the narrative forward. Ideally this should be done within the first three chapters. And this should be a significant event that would have an important influence on both the main characters. It should be a climax that all the prior chapters would lead into and the resolution of which would lead to both of them learning something about themselves and each other from the event and growing closer - eventually leading towards growth, character development and a happy end (if that is what you are envisioning for your story).

I hope this review is helpful to you. All the best on your journey forward. Good day, my friend!