Devin turned over in his bed, facing Michael. He was still sleeping. Devin smiled at him, and wrapped his arms around Michael, burying his face in Michael's chest.

There was a dim light coming from the window, and there was a loud tapping of rain on the window. Then a slight crack through the sky. It startled Devin a bit, and it lurched Devin's body forwards a bit. He gripped Michael's shirt a bit tighter. Michael chuckled a bit, before it turned into a laugh.

He knew that Devin hated thunderstorms ever since they were little when Devin made Michael hide underneath a blanket with him. Michael held him close, squeezing him playfully.

Michael pulled Devin on top of him, till Devin was straddling his waist, laying his head on Michael's chest.

"Are you feeling better,?" Michael asked, rubbing his head, ruffling his hair between his fingers.

Devin propped himself up on his arms, leaning into Michael's back. He hummed in response, giving Michael a smile that gave Michael a warm feeling in his chest.

He laid back down, and then pulled Michael upwards on the bed, sitting in his lap.

There was another crack of thunder, and Devin jumped slightly.

"God, of course, today of all days there is a storm!" Devin whined, burying his face into Michael's chest.
Michael took a deep breath before getting out of his bed. Devin whined at the loss of contact, and got up following Michael. Devin wrapped his arms around Michael from behind, hiding his face in Michael's neck.

"Holy shit!" Michael said, looking down at his phone.
"What? Did something happen?" Devin asked, a bit worried.

"Oh, no, no, everything is alright it's just I have almost three hundred text messages from that fucking girl, and it's almost ten am," Michael sighed, unlocking his phone.

"What'd she say?" Devin asked, peeking over Michael's shoulder.

"Oh, um, she was mostly saying shit about blowing her off at the last minute, then a bunch of disgusting pictures of herself. God, she wants to know which girl I'm dating so she can scare her off!" Michael let out a loud laugh, causing Devin to smile into Michael's shoulder.

"You should... send her a picture of us... if you want too," Devin whispered, thinking out loud.

"You know what, that'll probably get her to fuck off. She'll probably spread it over social media, though."
"Oh, oh, you don't have to then if you're not comfortable coming out to everyone..." Devin whispered. Him and Michael, despite their two-year-long relationship, had only come out to their team, and parents. And a couple close friends, (Matteo and Léo) but nobody else.

"Hmm, I think that your idea was perfect, baby. As long as you're okay with everyone knowing," Michael smiled. He would feel good about everyone knowing about their relationship. Then they would know that Devin was his. And only his.

Devin smiled at Michael's question. "I wanna make that bitch jealous," he laughed, placing his chin on Michael's shoulder.

Michael smiled, opening the camera app on his phone.

"Awe, Michael!" Devin spoke, smiling into the camera.

He gave a cocky smirk as Michael clicked the picture button.

Michael quickly typed 'what do you mean, girl?' And sent it. He placed his phone down on Devin's desk,
"Want me to make you breakfast?" Michael asked, turning around to face Devin. He had an almost surprised face, confused.

"You? Make breakfast? No, no no. Last time we tried that, you almost burned the kitchen down!"

"That was two years ago!" Michael scoffed, looking to the right.

"Okay, okay, Mikey,"

"Stop taunting me with that nickname!" Michael whined, looking back up at Devin.

"Alright, Michael." Devin spoke, meekly looking down at the ground.

"Oh my god, I was kidding, you know that I love it when you call me that..." Devin looked up at him smiling. Of course he knew that Michael was joking. "I don't like it very much when you call me by my full name..." Michael spoke softly, humming as he leaned closer to Devin.

"I know," Devin spoke cheerfully.

"Alright now let's go downstairs," Michael spoke, grabbing Devin's hand with the unhurt wrist.

"Hey, actually before we go downstairs can I... make sure your cuts are clean again? I just don't want you dying on me..." Michael said, looking down at the white gauze bandage.

"Oh... uh yeah, sure," Devin said, looking down at the cuts too.

He had an apology on the tip of his tongue, but Michael pulled him into the bathroom before he could say anything about it.

"I'm just gonna make sure that they're alright?" Michael said, sitting Devin on the toilet seat.
Devin handed Michael his wrist, looking away a bit embarrassed. Michael didn't say anything about that, though.

Michael gave Devin a kiss on the cheek before sitting back down in between his legs. He unwrapped the bandage, carefully, and looked at the cuts. He examined them with a close eye, a bit happy to see that they had started to scab over throughout the night.

"I-I... I'm not letting you play volleyball for a while," Michael spoke rather bluntly.

"What?! No, you can't—"

"No. You'll open the cuts up, and you'll just hurt yourself. You can go and watch but you can't participate. As your vice-captain and, more importantly, your boyfriend, I'm not letting you play."

"But Michael!"

"Shut it, I said no."

Devin fell back on himself. Michael's words were a bit harsh.

"Sorry..." Michael said, feeling bad for snapping at Devin. Devin didn't say anything, or look at him. He stared off to the other side of the room, over Michael's shoulder.

"Devin,"

Devin rolled his eyes looking down at Michael. "What?" He snapped, getting off on his annoyed mood.

"I love you,"

Devin stared bitterly down at him before scoffing and looking away. They stayed silent and then he whispered, "I love you too,"

Michael stared off, not knowing what to say next. He grabbed a fresh bandage off of the counter, wrapping it around Devin's wrist.

"Uhm... sorry if this is personal or whatever, but where are your parents? Shouldn't they be here?" Michael asked, finishing off the wrapping.

"Oh, them... well they kinda just left a few nights ago." Devin said, laughing humorlessly.

"I'm gonna stay until they get back, then," Michael said as if it were nothing.

"What? Why? What about your mom, and your family?"

"I think they'll survive without me for a little while, and anyways I don't want to leave you alone, so I'll stay with you,"

"Oh... okay? Wait, Michael, is it wha I think it is?" Devin asked, looking down at Michael with an unsettling look in his eyes.

"Hmm?" Michael asked, it seemed to be the only appropriate response.

"You wanna rail me, that's it! You could have just asked ya know!" Devin smirked at Michael, leaning down close to his face.

"Says the one who chickened out the last time!" Michael shot back.

"Mean, Michael ! You don't need to remind me! That was embarrassing enough!" Devin said, face turning a vibrant red.

"How is it embarrassing? You didn't want to and you spoke up, that's important, and I'm glad you told me. I wouldn't want to hurt you..." Michael thought, scowling at the mere idea of hurting Devin like that.
They sat in silence, their previous conversation over.
"When do you think they'll be back?"

"A couple of nights? A week maybe. I think they're up in Tokyo visiting some old friends that I've never met before." Devin looked sheepishly down at Michael.
"Mmm, I'm gonna stay till they come back, then."

"Okay,"

After a few minutes, Michael had wrapped up Devin's wrist again, and they sat together in silence. Neither of them knew how to get a conversation going.

"Okay," Michael started, grabbing Devin's hand attached to the unhurt wrist.

"Let's go,"

His Hand gave Devin's hand a little squeeze. He pulled him out of the bathroom, gently.

He stepped out of Devin's room, bringing him down the stairs.

The two of them made it down, and the hardwood floors on the lower floor were pretty cold. Michael knew the Devins' house like the back of his hand.
He had been going there since they were in elementary school, when they had met.

Neither of them knew that they would end up here, sitting together, hands still together, eating hot cereal that Michael had taken out of the cabinets and poured for the both of them.

They ate in silence, both really hungry. It had been a while since Devin had eaten, and Michael was a bit hungry.

Devin took a deep breath, placing the spoon in the half eaten bowl. "Hey Michael?"

"You can call me Michael if you want too...?"

"Okay, hey Michael?" Devin said, blushing a bit. He liked Michael better than 'Michael'.

"Yes?" Michael said, leaning in closer to Devin, making the both of them blush.

"I-er... never mind, actually," Devin gave a little smile to Michael, but Michael could see through it.

"C'mon, you can trust me, okay?"

"I know, it's just... nothing, really," Devin said, pulling his hand away from Michael.

"You wanna tell me something. I know that you do, so tell me." He started. "I'm not... gonna judge you, alright?" Michael's face was warm, and supportive, and he rubbed his fingers over the back of Devin's hand. It was all too much.

Devin nodded slightly. He seemed to be zoned out. His eyes were clouded with another wave of tears.

Michael squeezed his hand. He knew that Devin went into his own little world when this happened. He didn't want him to feel alone, and that little gesture helped. Devin squeezed back, still turned to the window.

Michael was starting to get worried. The only response he had gotten from Devin was a squeeze in the hand. His eyes didn't flicker, he didn't turn his head, move any other part of his body. Nothing.
It really scared Michael.

"Okay? I want to help you. The only way I can do that is if I know what you're talking about... please tell me," Michael flinched as Devin's head turned towards him abruptly.

"I... it wasn't the first time... that wasn't the first time,"

"What? You mean... the cutting? How long then? How come I haven't noticed?" Michael tried to think back. How long ago was he talking? A couple weeks ago? Months? A year? Had the scars healed before anyone brought them up?

"I once tried to overdose," Devin said, his voice slowly dissipating into nothing more than a whisper.

Michael's heart stopped dead in his chest. He didn't breathe. He couldn't. His entire head spun, along with the room around him.

"What do you mean, 'tried'? Did you end up in the hospital? Did someone stop you? Does anybody know? Your parents must know!"

"Nah, no one knew,"

"Then... you didn't actually take anything?"

"Nope," Devin said, surprisingly the tears that were in his eyes had disappeared, and his entire aura was calm and composed. How is this easy for him to talk about?!

"How are you talking about this so easily, Devin! Jesus fucking--"

"Shut up, Michael! You wanted me to tell you, didn't you? And I am. Fucking hell, what do you want me to do? Cry about it to the point of you not being able to understand the fuck I'm going on about?" Michael sat there, his stomach hurting like a bitch. He hated this feeling. Somewhat guilt, and a lot of anxiety.
What stopped him?

When?

Where?

What did he even try it with?

Does he still have the stuff?

Can I get it away from him?

What if he tries to do it again?

What if it's my fault?

What if I actually lose him?

What the fuck would I do if I lost him?

Michael bowed his head in shame, looking down at the ground. He was ready to mumble an 'I'm sorry,' but before he could, Devin spoke.

"And, also, it takes me almost fucking dying to get you to actually notice?" He yanked his hand away from Michael. "God, you weren't even like this before, were you? No. And thats the fucking truth. It doesn't even feel like you love me! God, you've never been like this before until now! And I hate it! I hate everyone, and there isn't a point for me to be here. I should have just finished it all that night... or last night! It would make everything easier on everyone! Everything! My parents wouldn' have to take care of a bitchy teenager, the team wouldn't have to deal with someone they hate! And you, Michael, wouldn't have to deal with me! You wouldn't have to pretend you like me! I don't know why you do, since it's not that hard to show that you do! My parents do it all the fucking time! And I lied. I don't know where the fuck my parents went! Okay? They didn't tell me, and that's fine. They probably we're expecting me to die while they were away since I'm just a needy fucking teenager that can't do anything for himself. A disappointment! God damnit! Just leave and go back to your pathetic, copacetic life! fuck."

Devin was all but screaming, his voice shaking with each new word. His head pounded, and he stood up from the stool. He was doing the palm thing again. It stung... badly.

Silence.

"I want you out. Leave."

"Dev--"

"Leave! Get the fuck out! I don't want you here right now! I want to be alone!"

To finish it.

"No." Michael said.

"What?" Devin asked, a bit stunned. Anyone who was just... screamed at like that would leave.

Everyone has. Every single person who he has treated like that has left.

"I said 'no'." Michael dead panned, standing up to match Devin at eye level.

"You can't say 'no' I told you to leave! Get out!" Devin put his hands on Michael's chest, trying to push him backwards to the front door, but Michael didn't budge. He stood there, almost amused by Devin trying to move him.

His tears had dried on his cheeks, and Devin's were still coming down fast.

His eyes were puffy, and his cheeks were a bright red. He didn't care though. He just wanted to be alone.
"No."

"Why? Why can't you let me go?!" Devin screamed, slamming a fist down on Michael's chest.

"Because I'm not going to." Michael spoke, carefully. "And I've said it a million times. I'm never fucking leaving you. And, like you said, yes! I was never that into touching and shit like that! I've never been like that with... anybody! And I think you're the first person I've held like that in my sleep ever! You're the first person I've kissed, the first person I've admitted love too. The first person I wake up and want to see! God, Devin, what part of 'I love you' do you not understand! Cause when I say it, I mean it! Got that. I. Love. You. And I don't want to wake up without you, and the very thought of that scares me to death. I don't know what I would do without you, Devin. Okay? So I'm not leaving you alone, I'm staying with you until you're better. And I'll get you help. And it's not a bad thing, Devin. You might be upset with the idea, but it'll help you, and you'll feel better, I promise."

Devin's breath caught in his throat.

"Shut up, shut up, shut up!"Devin screamed, backing up. "Just shut the fuck up!"

"No! Cause you need to hear this! You need to..." Michael said, clenching, then unclenching his fists.
"No, no I don't! I don't want to! Cause when you leave it'll just hurt more! Just like everyone has!"

"Were you even listening to what I was saying last night?"

Devin didn't have anything to say back to that. He stared off again. He bowed his head, and looked at his feet. He curled them tightly against the hardwood floor, like Michael had done with his fingers.

"Devin."

Michael stepped forwards, forcing Devin into the wall.
He held him there, and Devin let his head fall back against the wall and loll to the side. Michael placed his hand on his cheek, bringing it to meet his face.

"I'm. Not. Leaving."

Michael took his hand off of Devin's cheek, and Devin let his head fall forwards into Michael's shoulder.

Devin's sobs softened, and he stood there, not embracing Michael. Michael didn't move, a bit tense.
"I just am so sad," Devin said, finally reaching his arms up to drag Michael towards him. He gripped Michael's shirt tightly.

Michael held Devin, holding onto him tightly too. The words stung Michael. Sure, Devin's screams seemed much worse in comparison, but the quite shaken words scared Michael.

He didn't say anything back. Jesus Christ, what is happening. What has happened...

Michael picked Devin up, holding him under his thighs. Devin didn't object, he just continued to cry, clinging onto Michael.

He brought Devin to the living room, and placed him on the couch. He laid down between Devin's legs, face at the side of Devin's neck again.

"I've got you."

"I-I..." Devin started. He wanted to believe him. He truly did, but he couldn't.

His heart beat faster in his chest.

"Nobody guaranteed that this was gonna be easy. And for you, it's especially hard, but it will get better. I want to make it better. I wanna grow old with you, Devin. I wanna adopt a kid, get a dog, a house, kiss you, hug you, sleep in the same room, in the same bed. Come home everyday, knowing that you're there, and that you're mine. I wanna help you through this, and I wanna do it all with you. Okay? Can you... live for that? Want to live for that? Try to live for that?" He paused, heart beating faster in his chest, a bit embarrassed by his words. He never would have thought he would be doing this. "And... no one else will matter. You don't need to worry about the team, or your parents, or anyone. You don't need to push yourself so hard, and I'll be there to help you. I want to help you and share the weight. I really do love you."

Devin held his breath. He looked down at Michael. He wanted to be stubborn, but he couldn't bring himself too.

"Okay,"

Michael picked his head and looked at Devin. He bowed his head, looking to the floor.

"Look at me, please," Michael said, not going to force Devin's gaze on him anymore.

Devin listened, looking Michael in the eye. Neither of them spoke, both just a bit afraid.

"Promise me, please," Michael whispered, hopeful.

"I promise,"

Michael smiled, and kissed Devin gently, moving his thumb over his hand. Devin kissed back, loving the feeling as their lips moved against each other.

"I will marry you one day," Michael said, rather bluntly. Butterflies dance around Devin's stomach, as he hears those words. Those words made him want to live for the future.

Those words made him want to see another day.

"And I'll say yes,"

END OF PART ONE

lots of love
always,
-aa