Laurens: A-yo-yo-yo-yo-yo, what time is it?!

Everyone: SHOWTIME!

Me: Hello, everyone! Welcome to another episode of Ask Musical Characters! I'm really excited for this episode.

Nina: Wait, what are we going to do.

Me: What we're going to do today was requested by the wonderful SamBam260!

Me: So, the challenge I have for y'all today is a musical singoff! Before we get started, though, no King George today. He is, unfortunately, sick. And I would like to introduce a special guest! Please welcome Theodosia Burr, Jr.!

[Enter Theo. She goes up to her dad and gives him a quick kiss on the cheek... then she goes to sit next to Philip. She and Philip hold hands. Hamilton scowls at this.]

Heather C.: Great... MORE people?!

Me: Heather, do you want to go to the timeout corner?

Heather C: No!

Me: Then stop it.

Theo: Um...hi, everyone! Thanks for having me here! I'm a longtime viewer and first time guest.

Me: We're glad to have you here, too, Theo! The more, the merrier! Okay, so the way this works is that I will divide you into groups. You guys will perform a musical song. 2 are from your own musicals, the rest are not.

Jefferson: Wait, didn't we do this in another show?

Me: Yep, but the rest of the people here haven't. Okay, so I will divide you guys into groups. Okay, so the Hamilsquad are a group...

Hamilsquad: AWESOME!

Me: And so are the SMFDR and the Schuyler sisters, together. The salon girls are a group, then the queens, then the Heathers, Veronica, J.D., and Nina are a group. Usnavi, Sonny, and Benny are also  group. So that leaves Philip and Theo. You guys are partners.

Philip: Sweet!

Me: So I have here a jar with slips of paper. Send one person from your group to draw. The song you get on that paper is the one you will sing. Okay? Let's go!

(Timeskip)

Hamilton: (Draws a slip of paper) Ooh! "The Jet Song" from West Side Story!

Me: Oh, I watched the movie this past week... it's SO GOOD!

Daniela: I know, right? (Draws a piece of paper) ESPERA... ¡¿QUÉ?! "Candy Store" from Heathers?

Heather C.: Huh. I can't wait to see how that would go. I'll be watching...(Draws a piece of paper)  "Meet the Plastics" from Mean Girls?

Me: Yep! It's a good song!

Burr: (Draws a slip of paper) "96,000" from In The Heights... that's a good song!

Anne Boleyn: (Draws a slip of paper) Ooh! "Cell Block Tango" from Chicago! I've always wanted to do that with the queens! But a CERTAIN one said no.... (Side-eyes Catherine of Aragon)

Usnavi: I'm next! (Draws a slip of paper) Ooh! "Sincerely, Me" from Dear Evan Hansen!

Me: I'm looking forward to that!

Theo: (Draws a slip of paper) Oh, "Tonight" from West Side Story! That song is beautiful!

Hamilton: WHAT?! I'm NOT gonna have my son sing a love song to THAT girl!

Burr: AND I'M NOT GONNA HAVE MY DAUGHTER SINGING A LOVE SONG TO A HAMILTON!

Me: Well, most everyone in the Hamilton fandom ships it, so, yeah, they're gonna sing it all right. Okay, we have special guest judges! Please welcome, from the original cast of Hamilton, Lin-Manuel Miranda, Anthony Ramos, and Jasmine Cephas Jones!

[Enter Lin, Anthony, and Jasmine]

Lin: Hey, everyone! We're so glad to be guest judges for today!

Jasmine: And we are looking forward to seeing your performances later!

Anthony: I hope you guys have fun! You have two hours to rehearse. It starts.... NOW! GO! GO! GO!

[Timeskip. The groups are spread out all over the place, rehearsing their songs]

Daniela: (Scanning the lyrics) Oof...I'm not comfortable saying the "Are we gonna have a problem" speech as it is.

Me: (Walking over) There is a high school version of Heathers that changes it. You can use THAT version.

Vanessa: I'll go ahead and google it! Thanks!

Me: Anytime!

Veronica: I'll sing as Janis! 

J.D.: And I'll be Damian!

Anna of Cleves: Wait, I have to speak Hungarian?

Me: Yep!

[Timeskip to a little later]

Jasmine: Okay, guys! Your time is up! Everyone come to the auditorium!

[Timeskip]

Me: Okay, the first group will be the Hamilsquad, and they'll be singing "The Jet Song" from West Side Story!

Anthony: Ooh I can't wait to hear it!

[The curtain rises, with the Hamilsquad in white shirts leather jackets and jeans.]

https://youtu.be/c9z33lasnkU

Hamilton:

When you're a Jet, you're a Jet all the way from your first cigarette to your last dyin' day!

When you're a Jet, let 'em do what they can

You got brothers around, you're a family man!

You're never alone, you're never disconnected!

You're home with your own. When company's expected, you're well protected.

Then you are set with a capital J which you'll never forget 'till they cart you away.

When you're a Jet, you stay a Jet!

Hamilton: Now I know Tony like I know me. I guarantee you can count him in.

Mulligan: In, out, let's get crackin'!

Lafayette: Where you gonna find Bernardo?

Hamilton: At the dance tonight at the gym.

Laurens: Yeah, but the gym is neutral territory!

Hamilton: A-Rab, I'm gonna make nice with him! I'm only gonna challenge him!

Lafayette: Great, Daddy-o!

Hamilton: So everybody dress up sweet and sharp. Meet Tony and me at the dance at ten. And walk tall!

Laurens: We always walk tall!

Mulligan: We're Jets!

Lafayette: The greatest!

Laurens:

When you're a Jet, you're the top cat in town.

You're the gold-medal kid with the heavyweight crown!

Mulligan:

When you're a Jet, you're the swingin'est thing.

Little boy, you're a man; little man, you're a king!

Hamilsquad:

The Jets are in gear, your cylinders are clickin'!

The Sharks'll steer clear, 'cause every Puerto Rican's a lousy chicken!

Nina: (From the audience) Hey!

Anthony and Lin: (Mock gasp)

Hamilsquad:

Here come the Jets like a bat out of Hell,

Someone gets in our way, someone don't feel so well

Here come the Jets, little world, step aside!

Better go underground, better run, better hide

We're drawin' the line, so keep your noses hidden.

We're hangin' a sign, says "visitors forbidden", and we ain't kiddin'!

Here come the Jets, yeah, and we're gonna beat

Every last buggin' gang on the whole buggin' street

On the whole!

Buggin'!

Ever!

Lovin'!

Street!

Yeah!

Audience: (Claps)

Veronica: Whoo! That was a fun number!

Daniela: I know, right?! This is why I love the movie!

Me: Okay, judges, comments?

Jasmine: Wow! That was a fun way to start off the competition! Great job! I thought you captured the spirit of the Jets pretty well! I give you guys a 10 out of 10!

Anthony: Yeah, it was fun! However, you guys didn't use a set, so I'm giving you a 7.

Lin: Yeah, but you guys were really good, but I agree with Anthony, I needed a set. You guys get an 8.

Me: So that gives them a 25 out of a possible 30! Great job!

Laurens: Great job, guys!

Me: Okay, next, we have Philip and Theo singing "Tonight" from the same show.

[The curtain rises to reveal Philip and Theo on a balcony of an apartment]

https://youtu.be/LkDJgEKNJZ8

Theo:

Only you, you're the only thing I'll see forever in my eyes, in my words and in everything I do.

Nothing else but you, ever...

Philip:

And there's nothing for me but Maria

Every sight that I see is Maria

Theo:

Tony, Tony...

Philip:

Always you, every thought I'll ever know

Everywhere I go, you'll be...

Theo:

All the world is only...

Both:

...you and me!

Philip:

Tonight, tonight, it all began tonight

I saw you and the world went away.

Theo:

Tonight, tonight

There's only you tonight, what you are, what you do, what you say.

Philip:

Today, all day I had the feeling a miracle would happen

I know now I was right.

Both:

For here you are, and what was just a world is a star tonight

Tonight, tonight, the world is full of light with suns and moons all over the place

Tonight, tonight, the world is wild and bright, going mad, shooting sparks into space

Today the world was just an address, a place for me to live in

No better than all right

But here you are, and what was just a world is a star tonight

Good night, good night, sleep well, and when you dream, dream of me

Tonight....

(Philip and Theo kiss)

Audience (Except for Hamilton and Burr): (Claps)

Lin: (Crying) Oh, my goodness, that was so good, and it reminded me of me and my wife! I give you guys a 10!

Anthony: (Also crying) I know! C'est l'amour, am I right? I also give you guys a 10! Jazzy? What about you?

Jasmine: Oh my goodness, it just got me right there! You guys were so good! I, too, give you guys a 10!

Me: That gives Philip and Theo a 30 out of a possible 30! Excellent job, you guys! Next, We have Usnavi, Sonny, and Benny singing "Sincerely, Me" from Dear Evan Hansen!

[The curtain rises, with Usnavi and Sonny on one side of the stage, and Benny on the other. Usnavi is wearing a blue and black t-shirt, and Benny is wearing a black hoodie. Sonny has a computer and is pretending to type on it.]

https://youtu.be/o-tza5YqAD4

Benny:

Dear Evan Hansen, we've been way too out of touch.

Things have been crazy, and it sucks that we don't talk that much.

But I should tell you that I think of you each night,

I rub my--

[The music abruptly stops as Usnavi slams the laptop closed (I'm still not sorry). The audience laughs for a few seconds.]

Sonny: What?

Usnavi: WHY WOULD YOU WRITE THAT?!

Sonny: (Laughs) I'm just trying to tell the truth!

Usnavi: This needs to be perfect! These emails have to prove that we were actually friends! Just-- I'll do it.

Benny:

I gotta tell you life without you has been hard...

Sonny:

Hard?!

Benny:

Has been bad...

Sonny:

Bad?

Benny:

Has been rough!

Sonny:

Kinky!

Benny:

And I miss talking about life and... other stuff.

Sonny: Very specific...

Usnavi: SHUT UP!

Benny:

I like my parents...

Sonny:

Who says that?!

Benny:

I love my parents, but each day's another fight.

If I stop smoking drugs, then everything might be alright.

Sonny: Smoking drugs...

Usnavi: JUST FIX IT!

Benny:

If I stop smoking crack...

Usnavi:

CRACK?!

Benny:

If I stop smoking pot, then everything might be alright.

I'll take your advice, I'll try to be more nice

I'll turn it around, wait and see...

'Cause all that it takes is a little re..in..ven...tion!

It's easy to change if you give it your at...ten...tion!

All you gotta do is just believe you can be who you want to be,

Sincerely, me.

Sonny: Are we done yet?

Usnavi: Well, I can't just show them one email...

Sonny: Okay, please stop hyperventilating.

Usnavi: I'm not hyperventilating.

Sonny: You're having considerable trouble breathing.

Usnavi: No, Jared, I have no trouble...

Sonny: Do you need a paper bag?

Usnavi:...I'M NOT HYPERVENTILATING!!!

Dear Connor Murphy, yes, I also miss our talks.

Stop doing drugs, just try to take deep breaths and go on walks

Sonny:

No...

Usnavi:

I'm sending pictures of the most amazing trees

Sonny:

No!

Usnavi:

You'll be obsessed with all my forest expertise!

Sonny:

Absolutely not!

Usnavi:

Dude, I'm proud of you, just keep pushing through!

You're turning around, I can see

Benny:

Just wait and see...

Usnavi and Benny:

'Cause all that it takes is a little re..in..ven...tion!

It's easy to change if you give it your at...ten...tion!

All you gotta do is just believe you can be who you want to be,

Sincerely, me...

Benny:

My sister's hot!

Usnavi:

What the h**l!

Sonny:

My bad...

Benny:

Dear Evan Hansen, thanks for every note you send!

Usnavi:

Dear Connor Murphy, I'm just glad to be your friend

Usnavi and Benny:

Our friendship goes beyond your average kind of bond!

Usnavi:

But not because we're gay...

Benny:

No, not because we're gay..

Usnavi and Benny:

We're close, but not that way

The only man that I love is my dad.

Benny: 

Well anyway...

Usnavi:

You're getting better every day!

Benny:

I'm getting better every day!

Usnavi and Benny:

We're getting better every day!

Usnavi, Benny, Sonny:

Hey, hey, hey, hey!

'Cause all that it takes is a little re...in...ven...tion!

It's easy to change if you give it your at...ten...tion!

All you gotta do is just believe you can be who you want to be!

Sincerely...

Usnavi and Benny:

Miss you dearly...

Usnavi, Benny, Sonny:

Sincerely, me!

Sincerely, me!

Sincerely, meeeeeee!

Sincerely, me!

(Usnavi and Sonny high-five).

Audience: (Applauds)

Anthony: Well, that was a really great and funny performance! But I'm gonna give you guys a 9 because you didn't say THAT line! I was REALLY looking forward to that line!

Jasmine: Well, it was a really funny performance, especially the banter. I give you guys a 10!

Lin: I give you guys an 8 because you took out a line, and as a lyricist, that's a pet peeve of mine. Your overall performance, though, was really great!

Usnavi: Great job, guys!

Me: And that gives them a 27 out of a possible 30! Good job! Next, we have our queens singing "Cell Block Tango" from Chicago!

[The curtain rises to reveal six chairs]

https://youtu.be/0c2bKZMxEQg

Catherine of Aragon:

Pop...

Anne Boleyn:

Six...

Jane Seymour:

Squish...

Anna of Cleves:

Uh-uh...

Katherine Howard:

Cicero...

Catherine Parr:

Lipschitz

Me: (From offstage) And now, the six merry murderesses of the Cook County Jail, in their rendition of the Cell Block Tango!

Catherine of Aragon:

Pop...

Anne Boleyn:

Six...

Jane Seymour:

Squish...

Anna of Cleves:

Uh-uh...

Katherine Howard:

Cicero...

Catherine Parr:

Lipschitz!

Catherine of Aragon:

Pop...

Anne Boleyn:

Six...

Jane Seymour:

Squish...

Anna of Cleves:

Uh-uh...

Katherine Howard:

Cicero...

Catherine Parr:

Lipschitz!

Catherine of Aragon:

Pop...

Anne Boleyn:

Six...

Jane Seymour:

Squish...

Anna of Cleves:

Uh-uh...

Katherine Howard:

Cicero...

Catherine Parr:

Lipschitz!

The queens:

He had it comin'! He had it comin'!

He only had himself to blame!

If you'd have been there, if you'd have seen it...

Katherine Howard:

I betcha you would have done the same!

Catherine of Aragon:

Pop...

Anne Boleyn:

Six...

Jane Seymour:

Squish...

Anna of Cleves:

Uh-uh...

Katherine Howard:

Cicero...

Catherine Parr:

Lipschitz!

Catherine of Aragon:

Pop...

Anne Boleyn:

Six...

Jane Seymour:

Squish...

Anna of Cleves:

Uh-uh...

Katherine Howard:

Cicero...

Catherine Parr:

Lipschitz!

Catherine of Aragon:

You know how people have these little habits that get you down? Like Bernie. Bernie liked to chew gum. So I came home this one day, and I am really irritated and I'm looking for a little bit of sympathy. And there's Bernie, laying on the couch drinking a beer and chewing... no, not chewing...popping! So, I said to him, I said, "You pop that gum one more time..." And he did. So I took the shotgun off the wall, and I fired two warning shots...
Into his head!

The queens:

He had it comin'! He had it comin'!

He only had himself to blame!

If you'd have been there, if you'd have seen it

I betcha you would have done the same!

Anne Boleyn:

I met Ezekiel Young from Salt Lake city about two years ago, and he told me he was single, and we hit it off right away. So, we started living together. He'd go to work, he'd come home, I'd mix him a drink, We'd have dinner. it was like heaven in two and a half rooms. And then I found out.
"Single" he told me. Single, my a--. Not only was he married...oh, no, he had six wives. One of those Mormons, you know. So that night, when he came home from work, I mixed him
his drink as usual. You know, some guys just can't hold their arsenic.

The queens:

He had it coming

He had it coming

He took a flower in its prime , and then he used it and he abused it

It was a murder but not a crime  (Uh-uh, Cicero, lipschitz!)

Jane Seymour:

Now, I'm standing in the kitchen, carvin' up the chicken for dinner, mindin' my own business, and in storms my husband, Wilbur, in a jealous rage. "You been screwin' the milkman!" he says, he was crazy and he kept on screamin' "You been screwin' the milkman!". Then he ran into my knife... he ran into my knife ten times

The queens:

If you'd have been there, if you'd have seen it

I betcha you would have done the same

Anna of Cleves:

Mit keresek, én itt? Azt mondják, hogy a híres lakem lefogta a férjemet én meg
Lecsaptam a fejét. De nem igaz, én ártatlan vagyok nem tudom miért mondja Uncle Sam hogy én tettem. Probáltam a rendõrségen megmagyarázni de nem értették meg

[A/N: Translation from Wikipedia- What am I doing here? They say my famous lover held down my husband while I chopped off his head. But it's not true. I am innocent. I don't know why Uncle Sam says I did it. I tried to explain at the police station but they didn't understand me.]

Katherine Howard:

Yeah, but did you do it?

Anna of Cleves: 

Uh-uh, not guilty.

The queens:

He had it comin'! He had it comin'!

Katherine Howard:

My sister, Veronica and I had this double act, and my husband, Charlie, traveled around with us.
Now, for the last number in our act, we did 20 acrobatic tricks in a row. One, two, three, four, five, splits, spread eagles, back flips, flip flops, one right after the other.
So this one night we were in the hotel Cicero, the three of us, boozin', havin' a few laughs
And we run out of ice, so I go out to get some. I come back, open the door,
And there's Veronica and Charlie doing Number Seventeen...
Well, I was in such a state of shock, I completely blacked out, I can't remember a thing.
It wasn't until later, when I was washing the blood off my hands, I even knew they were dead

Katherine Howard (Rest of the queens in parentheses):

They had it coming

(They had it coming)

They had it coming

(They had it coming)

They had it coming all along

(They had it coming all along)

I didn't do it...

(She didn't do it)

But if I'd done it

(But if she'd done it)

How could you tell me that I was wrong?

They had it coming

(They had it coming)

They had it coming

(They had it coming)

They had it coming all along

(They took a flower in its prime)

I didn't do it

(And they abused it)

But if I'd done it

How could you tell me that I was wrong?

He had it coming

(He had it coming)

Catherine Parr:

I loved Al Lipschitz more than I can possibly say. He was a real artistic guy, sensitive, a painter. But he was always trying to find himself. He'd go out every night looking for himself, and on the way he found Ruth, Gladys, Rosemary and Irving. I guess you can say we broke up because of artistic differences. He saw himself as alive. And I saw him dead.

The queens: 

The dirty bum (bum, bum, bum, bum)

The dirty bum (bum, bum, bum, bum)

They had it coming, they had it coming

They had it coming all along!

'Cause if they used us, and they abused us,

How could you tell us that we were wrong?

He had it comin'! He had it comin'!

He only had himself to blame!

If you'd have been there, if you'd have seen it

I betcha you would have done the same!

The queens, all overlapping:

You pop that gum one more time!

Single my a--

Ten times!

Miert csukott Uncle Sam bortonbe

Number 17...

Artistic differences...

Catherine of Aragon:

Pop...

Anne Boleyn:

Six...

Jane Seymour:

Squish...

Anna of Cleves:

Uh-uh...

Katherine Howard:

Cicero...

Catherine Parr:

Lipschitz!

Audience: (Claps)

Jasmine: Wow! That was a great rendition of the Cell Block Tango! And your vocals were great! However, I don't like that the only set there is is just chairs. I give you guys a 9.5.

Lin: Yeah, same here! I think it's because I'm used to the movie version. I give you girls a 9!

Anthony: I think the vocals overrode the set, so I give them a ten!

Me: So that makes a 28.5 out of a possible 30! Next up is the SMFDR and the Schuyler sisters singing "96,000" from In The Heights!

Lin: Ooh! That's my own song!

[The curtain rises to reveal the In The Heights set. Lin is having a TBT moment. A note: I'll be using the Tony awards version, so some stuff will be cut.]

https://youtu.be/UvVgm4imyj0

Burr:

96,000...

Jefferson, Madison:

D--n!

Burr:

96,000...

Jefferson:

Dollars?! Holla!

Burr:

96,000...

Angelica and Peggy:

No me diga!

Burr:

96,000...

Madison:
Yo...

If I won the lotto tomorrow

Well I know

I wouldn't bother going on no spending spree

I'd pick a business school and pay the entrance fee

Then maybe, if you're lucky, you'll stay friends with me.

I'll be a business man richer than Nina's daddy,

Donald Trump and I on the links, and he's my caddy.

My money's making money,

I'm going from po' to mo' dough!

Keep the bling, I want the brass ring like Frodo!

Burr:

Oh no, there goes Mr. Braggadocio

Next thing you know, you're lying like pinnochio!

Madison:

I'll have enough to knock
your a-- off its axis!

Burr:

You'll have a knapsack full of jack after taxes!

Madison:

For real, though,

Imagine how it must feel going real slow

Down the highway of life with no regrets

And no breaking your neck for respect or a paycheck

For real, though, I'll take a break from the wheel

And we'll throw the biggest block party, everybody here

It's a weekend when we can breathe, take it easy

Peggy:

Check, one, two, three

What would you do with 96 Gs?

Angelica:

Who, me?

Peggy:

I mean, if it's just between you and me...

Angelica:

Esa pregunta es tricky!

Peggy:

I know!

Angelica:

With 96 Gs, I'd start my life with a brand new lease!

Atlantic City with a Malibu breeze!

Peggy:

And a brand new weave-

Angelica:

Or maybe just bleach...

Eliza:

Y'all are freaks.

Burr:
96K. Go.

Eliza:

If I win the lottery, you'll never see me again.

Burr:

D--n, we only jokin. Stay broke, then!

Eliza:

I'll be downtown, I'll get a nice studio, get out of the barrio.

Madison:

For real, though.

Imagine how it would feel goin' real slow

Down the highway of life with no regrets.

And no breakin' your neck for respect or a paycheck -

Eliza (Overlapping with Madison and Burr):

If I win the lottery

You'll wonder where I've been

I'll be downtown, see you around,

If I win the lottery, you won't see a lot of me!

I'll be downtown, see you around!

Burr (Overlapping):

Yo! It's silly when we get into these crazy hypotheticals,

You really want some bread? Then go ahead, create a set of goals, and cross 'em off the list as you pursue 'em,

And with those ninety-six

I know precisely what I'm doin'

Yo! It's silly when we get into these crazy hypotheticals,

You really want some bread? Then go ahead, create a set of goals, and cross 'em off the list as you pursue 'em,

And with those ninety-six

I know precisely what I'm doin'

Yo! It's silly when we get into these crazy hypotheticals,

You really want some bread? Then go ahead, create a set of goals, and cross 'em off the list as you pursue 'em,

And with those ninety-six

I know precisely what I'm doin'

Yo! It's silly when we get into these crazy hypotheticals,

You really want some bread? Then go ahead, create a set of goals, and cross 'em off the list as you pursue 'em,

And with those ninety-six

I know precisely what I'm doin'!

Schuyler sisters (Overlapping):

Check, one, two, three...

....96 Gs...

...you and me...

Eliza:

Whoaaaaaaa! WHOOO!

Madison:

Ooooooooh yeah!!!!!

Eliza:

I'll be downtown....

Burr, Madison, Jefferson:

We could pay off the debts we owe!

The Schuyler sisters:

We could tell everyone we know!

Burr:

I could get on a plane and gooooo!

Burr, Madison, Jefferson:

We be swimmin' in dough, yo!

All:

No tip-toein'

We'll get the dough 'n'

Once we get goin'

We're never gonna

Stop tip-toein'

We'll get the dough an'

Once we get goin', we're never gonna...

Ninety-six thousand!

Ninety-six thousand!

Ninety-six thousand!

We'll get the dough 'n'

Once we get goin'

We're never gonna stop!

Audience: (applauds)

Lin: ...Well THAT took me down the memory lane! That was an excellent performance! 10 out of 10!

Anthony: Well, everything was good except I couldn't really understand what you guys were saying during the overlapping part, so... 8 out of 10.

Jasmine: I also agree with Anthony, but the vocals overrode not being to understand the overlapping part, so 9 out of 10 from me!

Me: So that is a 27 out of a possible 30! Now, we have the salon girls from Washington Heights singing "Candy Store" from Heathers!

https://youtu.be/BQOoTX1Nxx8

[The curtain rises to reveal the Salon girls in the Heathers' outfits and with croquet mallets. Note: for Chandler's opening speech, I'll use the high school version.]

Daniela:

Are we gonna have a problem?

Did zombies eat your brain?

You've come so far, why now are you yanking on my chain?

I'd normally slap your face off in front of the whole d--n school.

But I'm feeling nice, here's some advice. Listen up, fool!

Salon girls:

I like!

Daniela:

Lookin' hot, buying stuff they cannot.

Salon girls:

I like!

Daniela:

Drinkin' hard, maxin' Dad's credit card

Salon girls:

I like!

Daniela:

Skippin' gym, scaring her, screwing him.

Salon girls:

I like...

Daniela:

Killer clothes...

Salon girls:

Kickin' nerds in the nose!

Daniela:

If you lack the balls, you can go play dolls.

Let your mommy fix you a snack

Vanessa and Carla:

Woah!

Daniela:

Or you could come smoke, pound some rum and Coke

In my Porsche with the quarterback!

Salon girls:

Woah! Woah! Woah!

Honey, whatchu waitin' for?

Welcome to my candy store!

It's time for you to prove you're not a loser anymore

Then step into my candy store!

Daniela and Carla:

Guys fall...

Vanessa:

...At your feet, pay the check...

Carla:

Help you cheat!

Salon girls:

All you...

Vanessa:

Have to do...

Daniela:

Say goodbye to Shamu

Salon girls:

That freak's

Carla:

Not your friend, I can tell, in the end

Salon girls:

If she

Vanessa:

Had your shot...

Salon girls:

She would leave you to rot!

Carla:

'Course if you don't care, fine! Go braid her hair!

Maybe Sesame Street is on

Salon girls:

Woah!

Carla:

Or forget that creep...

Vanessa:

...and get in my jeep!

Daniela:

Let's go tear up someone's lawn

Salon girls:

Woah! Woah! Woah!

Honey, whatchu waitin' for? Welcome to my candy store!

You just gotta prove you're not a wussy anymore!

Then step into my candy stooore!

Daniela:

You can join the team...

Carla and Vanessa:

...or you can b---h and moan!

Daniela:

You can live the dream...

Carla and Vanessa:

...or you can die alone!

Daniela:

You can fly with eagles...

Salon girls:

...or if you prefer

Daniela:

Keep on testing me...

Salon girls:

And end up like her!

Vanessa:

Woah! Honey, whatchu waiting for...

Daniela:

¡CÁLLATE, HEATHER!

Step into my candy stooooooore!

Carla and Vanessa (at the same time as Daniela's riff):

Time for you to prove you're not a lame a-- anymore!

Salon girls:

Then step into my candy store!

It's my candy store,

It's my candy...

It's my candy store,

It's my candy...

It's my candy store,

It's my candy stoooreee!

Audience: (Applauds)

Heather C.: Huh... that was better than I expected!

Anthony: Wow! I think you girls captured the Heathers' power pretty well! You guys put on a bada--- performance! I give you guys a 10 out of 10!

Lin: What he said! And I liked the "Cállate, Heather!" part! 10 out of 10!

Jasmine: Same here!

Me: That gives you guys a 30 out of a possible 30!

Daniela: Whooo! I think we pulled it off pretty well!

Me: Last, but certainly not least, we have the Heathers, Veronica, J.D., and Nina singing "Meet The Plastics" from Mean Girls! It's sure to be so fetch!

[The curtain rises to reveal a cafeteria set]

https://youtu.be/8sfw21u-n4E

Nina:

Woah. Who is at that table over there?

J.D.:

Don't look at them, just don't!

We call those three "The Plastics"

They're shiny, fake, and hard!

Veronica:

They play their little mind games all around the schoolyard!

J.D.:

They might insult your clothing

Or make fun of your name...

Veronica:

...like they mocked Jen Morecock 'til she burst into flames

J.D.:

And Ms. Morecock was a teacher.

Veronica:

Regina George is the queen bee.

She's always dressed up, she always wins Spring Fling Queen.

We're just drones that work for her, and then die.

Heather C.:

My name is Regina George, and I am a massive deal.

Fear me, love me, stand and stare at me.

And these, these are real.

I've got money and looks.

I am, like, drunk with power!

This whole school humps my leg like a chihuahua.

I'm the prettiest poison you've ever seen, I never weigh more than one-fifteen.

My name is Regina George, and I am a massive deal!

I don't care who you are.

I don't care how you feel.

Veronica:

That's Gretchen Wieners. She knows everything about everybody

J.D.:

That's why her hair is so big, it's full of secrets.

Heather D.:

Yes, Regina, no, Regina

Every waking hour, I spend making sure Regina George can stay in power!

If Regina is the sun, then I'm a disco ball

'Cause I'm just as bright and fun if you've had alcohol.

I rip your secrets out of you and bring them to my master.

Then I watch Regina make your life a big disaster!

Veronica and J.D.:

Disaster!

Heather D.:

Regina is the queen, but I'm the head of worker bees.

I am seated at her right hand like a Jewish princess Jesus

Veronica:

That is Karen Smith, the dumbest person you will ever meet.

J.D.:

I once saw her put a "D" in the word "orange."

Heather M.:
My name is Karen.

My hair is shiny, my teeth are perfect, my skirt is tiny.

It barely covers my perky hiney.

My name is Karen, I may not be smart...
That's it.

Heather C.:

Right...

We never really do this, but how would you like to have lunch with us this week?

Nina:

Oh, it's okay, I...

Heather C.:

No, no need for you to thank us. There's no need to even speak.

You're new and you don't know things, you need good friends who can tell you what to think!

See you here same time tomorrow!

Heather M.:

On Wednesdays we wear pink!

The Heathers:

On Wednesdays we wear pink!

Heather C. (overlapping):

Here's where you belong.

Here's where you belong.

Here's where you belong.

Here's where you belong.

Heather D. (overlapping):
Yes, Regina, no, Regina,

Every waking hour, I spend making sure Regina George can stay in power!

If Regina is the sun then I'm a disco ball

'Cause I'm just as bright and fun if you've had alcohol.

Heather M. (overlapping):

My name is Karen.

My hair is shiny, my teeth are perfect, my skirt is tiny...

The Heathers:

Wear something nice and grab a tray, 'cause we don't do this everyday!

Say here's where you belong!

Say here's where you belong!

Heather C.:

No, really. Say it!

The Heathers:

Say here's where you belong!

Nina (at the same time as the Heathers):

Here's where I belong!

Heather D.:

Come sit with us tomorrow! It'll be fetch

Audience: (Applauds)

Lin: Wow! You made the classic Mean Girls story even better! This song is catchy! And I liked your vocals and acting! 10 out of 10! Jasmine?

Jasmine: So, here's the thing... I am a huge fan of the Mean Girls movie, and it kind of bothered me about the fact that this scene took place in the cafeteria instead of outside, like in the movie. Your vocals were great, though. I give you guys a 7 out of 10.

Anthony: I agree with Lin! Acting and vocals were spot on! 10 out of 10!

Me: So that gives them a 27 out of possible 30! Oh, but we have a tie between "Tonight" and "Candy Store"! Judges, your vote!

Jasmine: I vote for "Candy Store"! It is a really good song and they certainly did it justice.

Anthony: My vote goes to "Tonight". It is a really beautiful love song, and they were so great, it just hit me right there! Lin, the winner of this competition depends on your decision!

Everyone: Yeah, Lin! Cast your vote! Cast your vote!

Lin: Um... my vote goes to... "Tonight". I agree with everything Anthony said, and it reminded me of my wonderful wife!

Me: Then the winner of this competition is Philip and Theo! Come on up!

Audience: (Applauds)

Philip: We are very thankful for the win, you guys! And thank you, judges!

Theo: Yes! I had so much fun here today! I hope to come here more often!

Philip and Theo: (They kiss)

Audience: Awwwww.....!

Anthony: I SHIP IT!!!

Me: Well, we hope to have you here more often, Theo! Well, that's all the time we have for today's episode! Feel free to leave requests! Bye!!

Everyone: Bye!!