"So then you called a tow truck?" Henry was sitting beside me on the couch in my living room. The room was dark except for the illumination of the television and the small lamp on an end table next to me.

        "Yeah. It was getting dark so I went and waited inside the Gregson's house." I was painting my nails a dark purple color. I blew on my fingers. "I was worried he'd come down stairs and yell at me some more, but he stayed in his room the rest of the day."

         "Serves you right, you shouldn't go snooping through people's things." He grabbed a kernel of popcorn from the bowl in his lap and popped it in his mouth.

        "Well I think he overreacted." I started on my left hand. "And you're my friend, you're supposed to be on my side."

           "I am on your side. I just think you crossed the line. A man has a right to his privacy. Anyway, what did the mechanic say about your car?"

             "He said Douglas is going to need a new engine. Which is going to run me a few thousand." I sighed, there goes the rest of Bo's money. All this trouble and I was barely going to break even.

             "You're such a girl. Take better care of your car and these things won't happen." He lectured. "We should do something. To relax you." I scootched around and put my foot in his lap.

           "You can paint my toes like a good girlfriend." He shook his head. Every so often at our movie marathons I ask him to paint my toes but he says he's not quite ready to go that gay with me. Some day.

"I will never paint your toes, deal with it. I was thinking we go out tonight."

"What about movie night?"

          "It's just some stupid girl movie. Let me guess, they fall in love at the end?" He wasn't much a fan of chick flicks but his turn to pick the movie was next week. I'd probably have to suffer through some endless James Bond sequel or something. "Besides, I've got to repay you for making me forget about my problems with Steph by making you forget about yours." He took the polish out of my hands and set in on the table.

"Where do you want to go?"

"I was thinking we'd hit the club. Use our mad skills to mack on a couple of hoes."

"Don't say 'mack', it's really weird coming from your mouth."

"That's funny coming from someone who makes up stupid sayings all the time."

            As a teenager I'd watched Henry get in fights with other boys and became fascinated with the insults he'd throw their way. It wasn't fair, girls only got to call each other bitch or whore, so one day while in an argument with a boy I'd defiantly told him to "suck on these nuts", hand gestures and all.

        Henry says I can't say that because of my obvious lack of the aforementionedextremities. Since then I've been obsessed with finding girl friendly versions of these.

"I still think "I'd give my left ovary" is genius."

        "We've talked about this Evie, giving your left ovary for something cannot compare to me expressing my desire to give my left nut." He sucked the fun out of everything. "It just doesn't work."

"I think it's funny."

        "Well you have a demented sense of humor so no one cares." I playfully punched him on the shoulder but he just laughed. "And Jesus you hit like a girl."

I stuck my tongue out at him as I went to change. A night out sounded like just what I needed.

***********************************

         Since Jimmy was looking for his money we thought it better to hit Anarchy, a dance club on Ramirez and Fourth St. The crowd inside was jam packed for a Thursday, and Henry and I immediately headed for the bar because we often moonlight as lushes on the weekend.

        I'd done my friend duty the other night by getting him wasted, tonight I was moving on to phase two of operation 'Cheer up my best friend who just got his heart broken by a skeezy skank'. Tonight I was determined to get my boy laid, preferably by someone who was prettier than Steph the Ho.

Sipping on drinks we'd ordered, we scanned the room.

        "What about him?" Henry was pointing to a man standing in the corner holding a drink and talking intently to another man. The guy was built like a freight truck.

"Cute, but too much muscle."

        "Really?! I thought he would have been your type. Pick one for me." I scanned the crowd until I laid eyes on a woman swaying drunkenly on the dance floor.

"Her." He looked where I nodded.

"No way."

        "Seriously? She's blonde and leggy. And she's got boobs that come out to here." I gestured in front of my chest.

"She's fake. And she's too tall for me."

"You're like 5'11, what could possibly be too tall for you?"

        "Well, she's got to be at least 5'15." I rolled my eyes. "Besides, I think she might have implants but I couldn't be sure unless I felt them."

"Give you twenty bucks." He stared at me for a moment.

        "You are the worse girl ever. You're not supposed to encourage me to fondle strange women's breasts. Don't you have any integrity for your fellow woman?"

"Make it thirty."

"Sold." I watched laughing as he strode off toward the woman, smiling at me.

        He eased up to her and slowly started dancing in time to that awful club music. She accepted his advances and began shaking her hips in a sinuous sway, grinding her ass against his crotch.

        When she raised her arms, Henry quickly moved his hand from her hip to her chest and got a firm grip of ol' lefty. Shocked out of her trance she smacked him right across his face. I laughed out loud as he and the blonde started exchanging heated words. I owed him thirty dollars but it was worth it.

        I turned back toward the bar and took a sip of the strawberry daiquiri I had ordered. Looking around the crowded warehouse something caught my eye. Off in the seclusion of the corner, sitting on a couch was Steph. I don't think she saw us on account of some guy's tongue was lodged in her throat.

        Just who did she think she was? It hadn't been two days since the break up and here she was a thin piece of cloth away from having sex with some stranger on a public couch. In a place Henry came to all the time.

        I was debating getting Henry out of here, since I knew seeing her like that so soon would only hurt him, when she finally came up for air. She whispered something in the guy's ear and I watched as she walked, shaking her ass, toward the ladies room.

        Okay, so I had promised Henry that I wouldn't get involved, but she was just asking for a verbal beat down. Henry came back and plopped down on the bar stool next to me, the leggy blonde on his lap. Guess they made up.

"Evie, this is Jenna. Jenna, Evie."

"Nice to meet you." She slurred clearly drunk. "Order me another drink hansom."

"Henry, I'm going to the ladies room. Be back in a sec." I slid off my seat. "Watch my drink."

"Yeah, okay." He was busy laying soft kisses on Leggy Jenna's neck.

"I'm serious. If I get drugged, raped, and murdered tonight the first person I'm coming for is you." He waved me off.

        I manuvered throught the crowd toward the woman's room, completely ignoring the line that had formed and marched straight in.

"Hey, no cuts!" Some brunette yelled.

"Don't worry, this won't take long." Inside several woman were standing in front of the lit mirrors teasing there hair and reapplying make-up.

        I found Steph at the fourth, one putting on a shade of slut red lipstick. She caught my reflection in the mirror but didn't turn to face me.

"Well, look who's here. Let me guess, Henry's with you?" She brought her hands to her breasts and tried to fluff them into a more attractive position. Not that they could get any squishier in that painfully tight tub top.

"How could you do that to Henry? I have it on good authority that he's been nothing but sweet and perfect to you. Then you go off and treat him like this?"

"You have it on good authority? I'll bet you do."

"What's that supposed to mean?" But I already knew what she meant. Henry and I often found that certain people could be uncomfortable with our relationship. Namely dumbass boyfriends and girlfriends.

"I saw how it was between you two. Don't deny it, I only cheated on Henry because he cheated on me first." She said it so matter-of-factly, like she had undeniable proof.

"You think Henry and I were having an affair? That's the biggest load of bullshit I've ever heard." She turned to face me then. "Don't try and blame your insecurities or the fact that your a dirty slut on me. I'm not the one who did wrong."

"You're trying to tell me that all the late night movie marathons were just movie marathons? Please, I saw the way he looked at you. Just because I didn't catch you in the act doesn't mean I'm wrong."

"If my relationship with him made you uncomfortable in any way then you should come to me woman to woman and asked me to back off instead of going on some vendetta and sleeping with any man crazy enough to go between those nasty legs of yours."

"And you should have the foresight as his best friend to back off when he's in a relationship. When he confronted me the other day, when I was with Tony, I told him he had to choose between me and you. Guess what he chose?" She shook her head.

"Damn right, bros before hoes."

"Wait, what? Are you calling yourself a ho?"

"What? No! I'm calling you a "ho", ho."

"Then who's the bro?"

"Me!"

"But you're a girl."

"So? Wha- Why is this confusing?! Who ever said a bro couldn't be a girl?"

"The goddamn dictionary!"

"Who really follows grammar and spelling rules anyway? Bro equals your friend, gender irreverent, ho equals slutastic spouse, also gender irrelevant, who cheats on you with gorillas."

"You're seriously gender confused, you know that?" She turned back to the mirror effectively ending the conversation. "Whatever." I considered kicking her ass but like my Grandma Sophie always says:

"Violence is never the answer until violence is the answer." ...You know, I'm not quite she what she means by that. Grandma Sophie's a little crazy. I brought my attention back to Steph.

"Personally, I don't care what you do but Henry's not going to see you and that ogre dry fucking on the sofa so after you're done in here get your man and leave." She glared at my reflection, deciding from how serious my tone was that it was better to go and avoid confrontation.

"Fine. Are you done now?" Satisfied that I got things off my chest I left the bathroom. I'd thought about slamming her face against that mirror she seems to love so much, but I didn't want to start a fight tonight. Especially not with Henry here.

Sitting back down at the bar I caught the tail end of Henry and Jenna's conversation.

"I know you're from here," She was slurring. "But where is your family from?"

"I don't know, where the hell's your family from?"

        I took a sip of my drink, not worried about creepers spiking it since I'm super sure my homie wasn't too horny to have my back, and gazed out over the dance floor. In a swarm of skevy looking men with enough grease in their hair to plug a flat tire, I spotted Allison. She was sporadically shaking her body, not at all concerned with things like rhythm or coordination.

        Her boss hadn't been dead two days and she was out partying? It wasn't so hard to picture since said boss was a complete tool, but still. There's a difference between not mourning someone's death and full on celebrating it. From the way she was waving her arms, probably over taken by alcohol I knew she was celebrating. I just needed to figure out if she was only a downtrodden woman basking in freedom, or a poison using temptress celebrating getting away with murder.