Chapter II - Let Me Sleep

When I woke up the next day, I immediately knew it was going to be a bad one. I couldn't really explain it, but Lauren called them my happy days and my sad days, and this was definitely a sad day.

I didn't know what it was, but the moment I opened my eyes, a pang of discomfort hit the insides of my stomach, like a dull ache, and all I wanted to do was to roll into a fetal position and cry.

And that's what I did.

Until Lauren entered carefully. When she noticed my state, she rushed over and embraced me. She didn't say much, because this wasn't really a rare thing, she knew how to handle it.

It took a lot of convincing, I just wanted to sleep, to sleep forever, but after a while I followed after her to the cafeteria.

"Do you ever feel sad, Lauren?" I ask half way there. I startle her because it's the first thing I have said the whole day.

Lauren's lips twitch into a fast smile, "Of course I do, everybody feels sad some times, and everybody has bad days, they can't help it, it's just how we were made."

I stop up and grab her hand, "I don't want you to feel sad, I don't want anyone to feel sad." She didn't answer, only kept going, and I followed after, keeping quiet, the sinking feeling creeping back.

Lauren soon abandoned me and as I had reached my regular table I was back in my original state, and the stomachache was completely back. Though I didn't miss Ray, Bob, Bert and some strange new kid in a hushed, yet heated conversation, involving a lot of hand gestures from Ray towards the stranger.

As soon as they noticed my fragile figure, they completely stopped talking and looked up at me with wide eyes as I slumped down in my seat, eyes fixated on the white plastic table. Ray was the first one to break the awkward silence.

"Hey Frank, why don't you say hello to Gerard?"

I didn't look up; all I did was trying to not let tears spill from my eyes. Why did everything have to hurt? "He already knows my name, and I know his, 'cause you said it, no need for introduction." I hoped this was enough hint about leaving me alone. I noticed the full tray before me, but I didn't dare touch it.

"He doesn't seem like you described him." A new voice whispered. It made me feel worse, knowing that it was me they had been talking about earlier. Why? Did they often talk about me behind my back? Did they say bad stuff about me? About how my stomach flows out at some places, or the way I walked, or maybe it was because of the funny lines up arms? I felt like squirming off my seat right there and then, my throat closing up.

"He usually isn't like this, I promise." Another voice that I recognized as Bert's said. I lifted my head to send a death glare his way when something caught my eyes.

The new guy, Gerard.

My breathing hitched. He was so pretty, and the reason I noticed how pretty he was, was because I knew this face too well. I had spent years studying it, my whole life actually, thinking about it, dreaming about it. It was him.

"G-Gee?" my eyes are wide open. It was definitely him. Only that this time his hair was a strong, vibrant red, instead of his usual black. He had the same perky nose, defined chin and cheeks and stupid sideburns. His tiny teeth being showed off with a nervous, concerned smile. He also seemed a lot skinnier.

He fidgets in his seat glancing between the other attendants, "Uh, yeah?"

"You-you talk?" this is probably what I'm most surprised over.

"Um, yes, of course..." he looks really uncomfortable by now, but I don't really pay much attention to it, "Do I know you?"

I am grinning from ear to ear and I try not to bolt up from my seat. I just want to touch him. But then his words hit me hard.

"You don't know me?" I can feel my eyebrows automatically knitting together. Did he not recognize me?

"Gerard, this is what I told you about, please stop." Ray interrupts, and my head starts spinning. I didn't understand.

"You didn't tell me he was like this!" Gerard hisses back, making me flinch. My eyes start watering again, and my stomach tightens.

"I had no idea!" He hisses just as intense back.

I just shake my head in confusion. What has going on? What was I like? What weren't they telling me? My vision blurs completely, before it clears up again, signaling that a tear is fast streaming down my cheek. I can feel my breathing catching up, almost coming out as pants. Whatishappeningwhatishappeningwhatishappening.

No one would explain for me. Until Bob places a protective hand on my shoulder. I look up at his beardy face with a wide mouth and tear stained cheeks.

"Frankie, calm down, okay? Focus on breathing." Bob doesn't usually say much; he was kind of the quiet, reserved mother of the group, caring and kind even though his look could be intimidating from time to time. Most of the time. Always.

All I can think of is hugging Bob, but before I get the chance to do it, he does it himself. I clutch onto him like if he is a lifeline, saving me from drowning, which it feels like I am.

Bob rubs my back until my heart rate is almost back at average, and I can form whole, understandable sentences.

"You 'kay, little man?" his voice vibrates through his torso, making me squirm slightly, because it tickled. I nodded back, afraid to let any sound from my mouth.

"Dude, I'm sorry I don't know what I did wrong." Gerard sounds unsure, and maybe also slightly scared, but I understand him. I decided to sit back up, but I soon regret it, as it made my head spin, my vision suddenly blacking and weird sparkles floating into my sight. Bob noticed and handed me his cup of water.

"No, no it's okay, it's my fault, I'm stupid." I tried to explain while chugging down the water as well as I could manage. The people present at the table were looking worriedly. "I think I'll go back to bed for now." I start standing up, but to quickly, causing me to wobble.

"Dude no, you haven't even eaten breakfast." Ray points to my tray, which was portraying a ham sandwich, bits of oranges and a container of yoghurt. I didn't really like meat anyway, but I wasn't really hungry either.

"So what." I mumble, starting to turn away from the others. I notice one of The Coats watching me and then writing something on a clipboard.

I hear a plastic chair squeak against the linoleum floor. "I'll follow you to your room." Gerard's voice speaks up, and I halt abruptly.

I wait for him to come up to my side, and when he does we start walking past all the tables and out into the hall. We don't talk much the first few minutes, but Gerard is the first one to break the slightly uncomfortable silence.

"So... Are you in here for bipolarity?" he questions after a while stuffing his hands into the front pockets of his gray washed, baggy jeans.

"In here for what?" I really had no idea what that meant. I guess I'd have to ask Ray later, because Ray knows everything.

"No, never mind." And we don't say anything else after that.

When we reach my room, I don't plan on looking at him, just giving him a quiet "see ya" and then return to my room, but Gerard has other plans.

"How old are you, Frank?"

I turn around to look at him, stopping my train of thoughts a little before answering kind of unsure, "21".

Gerard looks surprised by the answer. "Oh, okay," Is all he says, and I thought he was done so I turned back to my door, hand on the handle, when he asked again, "Have you ever been outside?"

I look back at him for the second time, quirking an eyebrow, "of course. I'm not out in the garden that often, but I am at least once a week out there to look at the plants."

Gerard seems hesitant, "No I mean like- you know what, forget it. Would you... Would you like to go outside there with me after recreational group?"

I twitch my mouth at him with a weird, tight smile, "Yeah okay." I bob my head slightly, before facing the door again, "see ya."

-

I wake up not long after, maybe just 20 minutes later, wrapped in a burrito of my own blanket. I probably have to go see Dr. Burn soon, but I don't want to. I lay there in silence for just a few seconds before my position gets uncomfortable, and I decide to face the open room instead.

That's when I notice Gee. My Gee, not the stupid one with the stupid hair. He sits silently on the floor, his legs in a cross, and watches me.

I rub the blanket up to my face and keep looking at him with tired, vaguely bloodshot eyes.

"Hi." Is all I mumble before hiding my face in the pillow, not wanting him to see me like this. I hear him get up and walk over. I just wait and see what he does, and then suddenly I can feel the mattress sink down a bit. I flicker my eyes up, and I see him sitting on the edge, still staring at me. But it doesn't make me uncomfortable. It's more like a sympathetic and sad stare. I mean, he doesn't have any other way to express his feelings since he don't talk.

I shove myself further into the wall behind me, giving Gee some space to lie down on. He takes my hint immediately and we soon lay there on my small bed, face to face.

We have never been so close before, but I still can't feel his warmth nor breath. It concerns me. Maybe he was cold; maybe he wanted me to warm him up. I extended my arm a little before my hand was hovering over his collarbone. He didn't push me away or look disgruntled.

When I touched his neck, it didn't feel like I was touching anything. It wasn't any warm at all, but it wasn't ice cold either. It wasn't any temperature at all, and I literally couldn't feel him, like if he wasn't there at all. But I knew I was touching him, because I could clearly see my hand touching his skin. I tried to comb my hand through his hair, but I still couldn't feel it. It was kind of like right after your foot fell asleep and you get up, and it feels like it just dethatched itself from the rest of your body and wandered away, right before your leg starts pricking like if a thousand needles pierced through your skin.

It was a strange feeling and I didn't like it a bit. I wanted to be able to feel him.

Gee still doesn't say anything, and I don't know if he can feel me or not.

I don't get to say the chance to say anything, because in that moment someone knocks on the door, telling me it's time for me to meet up with Dr. Burn. I pull myself out of the bed and make my way to the door slowly. I look back, but Gee had disappeared. I sigh before stepping out in the hallway and shuffling away.

-

I really like recreational group, because they let you draw and paint and stuff almost whatever you want.

Hans steps up in front of the group. I like to think about him as a teacher, and he has a funny beard and always wears plaid jackets.

"Draw something that scares you, your inner fears" he simply says, "when you are done, I want you to stand up, tell me what you drew, why, and when we are all done, we will burn it."

I didn't look around to witness the other people's drawings; I just scrambled to my feet, going for a pencil in the back of the room and water paint. I already knew what I was going to paint.

When I walked into the room, I had noticed Gerard sitting between one of the desks, head in hands on the table. I wanted to go talk to him, but I decided against it. I didn't want him to get mad.

I started drawing with the pencil very first, as to make a sketch. I wasn't exactly the best at drawing, but I still liked to do it, no matter how the result turned out. When I was done, I found the water paint, and of course the water, and something to paint it with, I had already forgotten the name.

I looked up at the others, and a girl that I remembered as Zoe was smelling the superglue. It looked kind of funny, but I had to get my painting done. Time flew, and before I knew, Hans was clapping his hands, signaling for us to stop.

"Okay, that's all the time we have!" He smiled around the room, looking at all of his 5 attendants, as if judging them, "Frank, can't you go first?"

I nodded enthusiastically, and got up from my chair, grabbing my painting that was on a regular A3 sheet. I turned to face the rest of the class as I also turned the painting for them to see.

"I painted Dr. Burn," I smiled, slightly switching the angle for everyone to see, "I painted him because he is mean." I didn't really have anything else to say, and it didn't seem like anyone else had something to say either.

I looked over at Gerard, and he was staring at me, just like Gee had, but it also seemed like his thinking box was working on full.

And then his eyes widened, but flickered his gaze away, slightly shaking his head, as if whatever he was thinking was incorrect. I didn't understand.

***

fuck fuck ass this sucked balls and it unedited but I have to go to school, and today we have this kind of theme day about sex and shit at school, and im just gonna be there like "hello yes what do you wanna know" and like 3 days ago I preached my whole class with my gay knowledge ba-bam. I just dont hope the homophobic ass in my class is gon be a bitch because then i will seriously jump off a cliff. even though there are no cliffs. i just spent 3 minutes on this a/n shit. this chapter sucked, its unedited. ill fix it later.

pece out

zoo