OLIVIA

I can't believe he's here. For years I've avoided him, even when Cat remained my best friend. It was hard at first coming up with excuses not to get together, but when my family moved, it made it so much easier to explain the distance I had to put between us.

I always meant to tell Cat about her brother and me, but I didn't think she'd understand. No one seemed to understand. My parents definitely didn't, and neither did he.

Now he's here. Giving me that look, a look of possession. Not as an object he owns, it simply states I belong with him and he knows it. That look used to make me feel loved, cherished. Not anymore. Still, my body reacts. Like muscle memory, part of me wants to run to him, but the part that matters, the part that remembers what he did to me, is smart enough to run away.

I go for a swim, needing distance from him, from the whole situation, hoping to cool off. They are all talking around the campfire. He has a girlfriend. She's a pediatrician. Perfect. I don't care. Or at least that's what I try to tell myself as I swim out further into the ocean. After all, I have Doug, so why should it bother me that Dillion has moved on... I mean, it doesn't bother me. It doesn't matter to me at all.

I feel a burning sting on my leg, it cramps just as a wave crashes over me pushing me down underneath it. I struggle to surface. My leg... it's not working right. The waves pull me under again. I scream but I'm too far out. My mouth fills with water. I don't have time to catch a breath. I resurfaced and I am spewing out water while hacking up a lung.

I scream again but no one hears me. The pain in my leg is intense. I'm getting tired, so tired.

Then I see Dillion running. He's screaming at me but I can't hear him. I can only imagine he's telling me to hold on. I try but I can't. I go under again a moment after he cleaves through the water.

My lungs are burning. I don't have enough breath left in me. There is nothing but wet darkness around me. I feel myself sinking into its depths. It's too late. He's too late. Dillion my greatest heartbreak, my only regret.

But then I hear his voice, demanding I return to him. "Come on! Damn you!" I feel his lips on mine, his breath fills my lungs as his hands force me to breathe again. I cough and he rolls me to my side as the ocean water is expelled from my body.

"Oh, Thank God!" he professes, rubbing my back as I continue to vomit up ocean water.

Gently he turns me back and smooths my hair from my face. He looks so scared. Brittany tells me I've been stung by a jellyfish and asks if I can sit up? My body is spent, so I shake my head no.

"I got her," I hear Doug say but it is Dillion who lifts me. The Paramedics have arrived and he places me on the stretcher. He should have stepped aside, but he refused to let me go. My traitorous heart leaps.

Dillion stares at me, his look lost as he runs his fingers through his hair. I turn my head away, unable to bear that look in his eyes. He looked at me like that once before. The day he told me he didn't want me anymore. That he didn't love me. It was an expression filled with pain, sadness, and fear.

Brittany fills the paramedics in about what happened. They load me into the ambulance Doug asks if he could ride with us but they tell him it's best if he follows them to the hospital.

The next few hours were a blur of people asking me questions, poking me with needles, and taking tests. Even as a premed student I couldn't keep track of everything they were telling me. I was so tired; my brain couldn't keep up.

I finally get to rest and Doug shows up.

"Hey, sorry it took me so long to get back here. I'm not really familiar with this place and then when I arrived, they said that you weren't in your room. I was told to wait in the waiting room. I guess I expected them to call me back when you returned, only they didn't. I started to get worried and asked if you got back yet and they told me you've been back in your room for a while now. I'm such an idiot, I should have asked sooner. Are you okay?"

Doug is adorable. I can tell the whole thing has shaken him up a bit. I feel bad but I'm ill-equipped to make him feel better. "I'm just tired, exhausted really."

"Oh." That one word told me that he hadn't thought of that. "I should probably go then and let you get some sleep, huh?" He went to walk away but I reached out for his hand.

"Can you stay until I fall asleep? I don't really want to be alone right now."

Doug immediately brightens. "Sure." He pulls up a chair and sits by my bed. I don't relinquish my hold on his hand. He grabs the remote and turns on a basketball game, but he turns down the volume. I don't know anything about what he's watching. I don't follow sports. Well, I go to our school's games but I doubt that counts as being a fan. I guess Doug figured since I said I wanted him to stay until I fell asleep, I wouldn't feel like talking. I guess not talking is for the best anyway.

I close my eyes but the moment I do my heart leaps, fear grips my chest. It's too reminiscent of being in the water, feeling that darkness closing in on me, surrounding me. My eyes fly open and my heart is racing.

Doug doesn't seem to notice. His eyes glued to the T.V. silently he roots his team on. Is this what it's going to be like now? I'm 21 years old and I find myself afraid of the dark.

I keep my eyes open but throw my other arm over my eyes. It's dark but I can still see, my heart calms. Doug still holds my hand and I try to take comfort in that but my mind drifts to another.

He saved my life. Dillion refused to give up on me. He looked so scared. I thought he didn't care. I thought he didn't want me anymore but his eyes told me quite a different story. A pang of guilt surges through me. I shouldn't be thinking of him while holding on to Doug, my fingers slip from his as I turn to my side. I feel Doug staring at me, probably trying to discern if I've fallen asleep. I stay very still hoping he'll believe I have and leave. He turns off the television and kisses the top of my head.

"Sweet Dreams, O. I'm so grateful you're okay," he whispers. "Thank God, Dillion noticed you were in trouble. I don't know what I would have done if something terrible happened to you."

I squeeze my eyes shut tight, hating the darkness but wanting Doug to leave. I need him to go away but don't have the courage to ask him. I'm such a coward. Soon enough he makes it to the other side of the room and I hear the door shut behind him.

My eyes open and tears slide down my cheeks. I'm grateful too. So grateful to be alive. So grateful I was saved, but why Dillion? Why now? Now when I finally convinced myself I could live without him? Now, when I finally decided to give my relationship with Doug a real chance? To see if we could be something more. I just need to know God? Please tell me, why?

I got no answer to my plea. To be honest, I didn't expect one.

An interesting fact about hospitals is that even though you may need sleep to recover, you're not going to get it because they keep coming into your room to check up on you. The odd thing is I was grateful because every time I fell asleep out of sheer exhaustion, I was plagued with the nightmare of almost drowning.

One of the nurses noticed and sent an advocate to talk to me in the morning.

"Hello Olivia," my name is Miko Midori, "I'm the patient advocate. I've been told you've been having trouble sleeping."

A weary sigh escapes my lips. I'm so tired it's hard to think. I nod my head.

"Would you like to talk about it?"

"Not really," is what I wanted to say but if it helps me get to sleep then... "Every time I shut my eyes; I feel panicked. It's like I'm back in the ocean and I'm drowning. It's hard for me to breathe and I'm scared. If I do fall asleep, I'm dream of drowning. I can't seem to escape it. I'm exhausted but I can't seem to sleep.

"What you described is similar to a panic attack, that's not uncommon to experience such feelings after what you've been through. I think it may be good if when you leave here, we set you up with either a support group or a therapist so you can work past these feelings and get yourself back on track. Would you be open to that?"

"I guess. Not sure it will work but I'm willing to give it a try."

Miko smiled at me. "People get out of therapy what they put into it, whether it's physical or mental. Your expectations going in make a big difference. Whether you believe it will be helpful or not, you're right either way. It's not an exact science, you have to do the work if you want to get better."

"You really need to work on your sales pitch." My sarcasm made her laugh.

"When a person has been traumatized, I've learned the length of time it takes that person to heal is directly proportional to their desire to want to be healed."

"Some people don't think they deserve healing, perhaps they feel guilt, about the situation and so carry that burden for years, or for a lifetime. Others don't care enough about themselves. They think they are reaping what they've sown and so accept the pain of their circumstance as their punishment."

"There are some, however, who come to realize that sometimes shit happens and there's little you can do about it but what matters more is how you deal with things after. Those people tend not only to recover but come out of their situation stronger than before. However, I can't tell you how this will turn out for you, only you can decide that."

Her words made sense. "I get it. I'll go and do my best."

"Good. I'll make the arrangements and they will give you all the information you need to get started before you are released. Is there anything else I can do for you?"

"No, I don't think so."

"Okay, it was nice meeting you. I hope you feel better soon."

She left but I wasn't in the room alone long before Doug knocked on the door.

"Hey! How are you feeling?"

"I have a fever and the sting has caused a nasty rash otherwise I'm okay. Can you do me a big favor?"

"Anything, name it." 

Doug really is a good guy.