Xian's POV

What had happened between us, Jun, and myself, the kiss that I had initiated, lingers in my mind. 

I can't get the feeling, the taste of his cold lips that had captured mine, out of my mind.

What should I do now?

To clear my mind and plan my next step, I suggest we return, and Jun agrees. 

Once we are home, I demand that our backyard to modified to look like a campsite, and as expected, he agrees. 

We set up the backyard the way I want and pull Jun on the mat. I offer him popcorn that I love, and he refuses. I tell him that the reason for his refusal is that he loves me.

Why did I say that I don't know? 

Do you love me, Jun? 

I look at his face. And wonder the reason behind his guarded expression.  

Why? 

I can't take him being like this: silent, distant; I turn away from him, but I can see that something is bothering him, for he keeps stealing glances at me. Does he think that I can't feel his eyes on me?

I can always feel you when you are looking at me, Jun. 

Jun asks if I am hungry and suggests we order food. I don't reply. I am afraid that I might say something I will regret. He is always worried about my well-being. He wants to provide for me and keep me safe, always.

Jun, is that all you want to do for me? 

My mind once again drifts to our forbidden kiss. The way he had tugged at my lips before taking them between his threatens to undo my control, my restrain.

My desires burn me from within. They consume me till there is nothing but one thought left in my mind; my heart: to be with Jun in every way a man can be with another.

A drop of warm water lands on the back of my palm and pulls me out of my reprieve. I realize that I am crying.

Before the kiss, I had my doubts about whether Jun would be able to accept me the way I wanted him to. But after the way he had treated my body, I was almost sure that what I wanted was not impossible. I had felt his breaths falter when he had buried his face in the nape of my neck; I was sure of it. 

Do we want the same things, Jun?

There were, however, three things that were bothering me. First, that Jun had stopped abruptly. Why?; second, did he really do it because of the unclean?; lastly, if we got together, would I merely be a convenient sin for him, just someone who would keep his aura in check without him having to go looking for women to bed?

The mere thought makes me nauseous. No, I don't want to be just someone Jun beds. I want all of him: his body, his heart, his soul.

It leads me down another train of thought, has Jun ever bedded a man? In all the years, I had never seen him invite any men to his room. But that didn't mean that he had never done it. After all, the way he had held me and kissed me, it didn't feel like he was doing it for the first time.

I bury my head between my knees.

What do I want? 

Should I risk what we have now? 

Should I confess my feelings to him? 

Jun had practically made me promise him that I must never abandon him. The promise went both ways, didn't it? He won't leave me even if I confess to him, right?

Unexpectedly, my temper rises. No, I will never let my angel get away from me! I will beg him to stay; I will make him stay at any cost. I will use the voice if I have to!

I draw my knees closer. I can't let Jun hear my selfish thoughts. I try to shut that train of thought; I try to lock away my malicious intentions, but it doesn't go away.

What are you doing to me, Jun!? 

I hear rustling behind me, but I ignore it.

Are you leaving me here alone, Jun? 

He gives my shoulder a light squeeze and enquires, "Xian, what are you thinking about?"

Did he hear my thoughts? Is he just pretending that he can't listen to them? Will he see my eyes and know what I want; what will I do if he rejects me!? Was I capable of going as far as to tie him to me even if that's not what he wants?

I look up at his eyes hesitantly, fearing the worse, but there is nothing but worry and concern in them. I look closer, and there it is, the lingering affection.

I gather my thoughts and courage and blurt out the first thing that comes to mind, "Jun, have you ever bedded a man?"

He blinks and takes a step back: a step away from me. "What!?" He quirks his brow, and his eyes narrow, "What... Why-" He fumbles and looks away from me.

"I want to know if you have ever slept with a man; made love to a man; fuc-"

"Stop!" He commands, and I oblige, for now. Keeping his back turned away, he demands, "Why do you need to know? It doesn't concern you."

"I have my reasons," I reply vaguely, and he shakes his head, "Is that your third and final wish?" he says in a threatening tone, and I feel like chuckling somehow. "If that is the only way you will answer me, so be it. It's my wish to know if you have ever made love to a man." I don't make the mistake of using the 'F' word again.

He turns towards me and catches my eyes. Anger flashes across his face, making my heart race. Strange, I never realized how much his anger turns me on. Is that why I rebelled against him so often when I was younger?

He opens his mouth to answer, but I interrupt him, "Wait, but that's not all."

Confusion replaces anger, and he tilts his head, "There's more?"

I nod, and he gestures me to continue. "Not now." I state and walk towards him, "I will ask you after you have answered. And if you don't, then I will use my voice." I add, challenging him.

His face fumes, and his eyes widen, "How dare you!?" He reprimands, and it makes my breath hitch.

Yes, I like it a lot.

Provoked....Indignant....Mine!

"Of course, I dare, Jun. I am, after all, your prince, am I not?" I answer, and his eyes fall to my lips. The tips of his ears turn scarlet; he turns away once more. He fists his fingers and leaves a shaky breath, "Fine. I will answer you."

I walk towards him and turn him to face me, "Alright, I am ready."

His gulps, "I have never made love to anyone. I have merely bedded mortals to keep my aura in check." He pauses and steps closer, "But I have never bedded a man."

I feel relieved and apprehensive at the same time.

Why haven't you ever bedded a man, Jun?

Is it because you don't want to, or is it because you are waiting for the right one? 

Our breaths mingle, and my mind clouds. I feel my knees give way, but instead of falling, I find myself in Jun's arms. He is silent. He doesn't ask me what's wrong. He merely holds me to his chest: unmoving.

What if this is the last time, last time I am going to be held by him, I ask myself, and before I can control my actions, my arms wrap around Jun. 

 I hear him gasp, but he continues to remain silent. I look up; our eyes meet, and I ask my next question, "Jun, why haven't you done it? Are you truly incapable of love?"

He doesn't speak, but I can see that his mind is racing a mile a minute, "Jun, it's not a difficult question, right?" I add, pulling myself closer, tightening my grip on him.

His jaw clenches; his grip on my back tightens, and his eyes drop to my lips, "Why are you asking me this? Why are you doing this? Why do you want to know?" He asks, sounding like a drowning man, awaiting rescue.

I decide to rescue him, "Jun, I am asking you this because I want to know what's in your heart. I am doing this because I want to see if I have a chance. I want to know because I - " I go silent. I need him to speak. I need him to show me his heart.

"You want to know my heart?"

I nod.

"You want to know if you have a chance?"

I nod.

"A chance at what?"

"At love, Jun."

"Love." He repeats, and I stroke his cheek, "Yes, are you capable of it?"

"I thought I wasn't. Not till- " Jun trails off, and I can hear his heart pound. It's loud, almost too loud. I am sure he can listen to mine as well.

"Not till...?" I search his eyes, and he whispers hesitantly, "I saw you."

"Saw me?"

"Yes. When I saw you in your mother's arms." He replies and continues, "When I held you in my arms, I knew I loved you."

"What?" I ask again, feeling confused and conflicted; Jun adds, "Xian, my heart, my sword, my wings, my everything belongs to you. It always has. And I will never leave as long as you want me to protect and serve you."

"To protect and serve?"

"Mn."

"What about love?"

"That too." He searches my eyes; doubt crosses his eyes, and he cups my face, "Xian, do you love me?"

"Yes." I state resolutely; a ghost of a smile tugs at the corner of his lips, "Do you want to be with me because you love me and not because you feel obligated to do so?"

"Since the time I have understood love, I have loved you," I reply, but something starts to bother me. I am about to voice my thoughts when he asks, "What about Qing?"

"We are nothing. Qing means nothing to me. We are just classmates. She hadn't even shown any interest in me before my birthday. I spoke to her for the first time when she tagged along with Cheng that day at the amusement park."

"But you were hugging her." He voices, sounding hurt, and I shake my head, "You saw wrong. She was hugging me, not the other way around."

"You wanted to impress her. You wanted to learn-"

"Jun!" I snap and close his mouth, "I did it all because I wanted to see if I can provoke you, make you jealous." I pause and look into his surprised dark pools, " I was scared that if you came to know my heart, you will hate me, leave me. So I pretended to like her."

I take my hand away and step back; he looks at me, bewildered, "What gave you that idea?"

"You only ever took care of me. You treated me like a child. You never made me feel like you- "

"Like I, what?" He enquires.

"Like you wanted me." I reply and look at him expectantly, but instead of what I want to hear, he throws another question at me, "Why did you decide to tell me this now?"

"Because... "

We kissed, and I could feel that I was not the only one who wanted it! 

"Because?" He urges; I feel the need to run and hide. I do precisely that. Without replying, I bolt inside.

"Xian!" I hear him call, but I don't stop.

Why am I acting like this!? 

Why does he want to know, 'why now'?

What is wrong with me!? Hadn't Jun just told me that he loved me too? Then why was I still scared of his rejection? What had I expected would happen?

Yes, Jun had said that he loved me- well, kind of, but he had done that before too, right?

What does it mean when an Archangel says that he loves you? I recall the conversation we had just had, and then the reason for my uncertainty makes itself known. He had used the words, protect, serve, before love. He had asked if I felt obligated to love him.

"Xian," He knocks on my door, "Please, let me in." He pleads, but I don't bulge. I don't let him in.

"Xian, did I do something to displease you? Tell me. Talk to me. Please don't shut me out." He continues to knock.

"Jun," I whisper, I know he can hear me, "Do you love me?"

"Yes, I do."

"Tell me how much you love me?"

Silence.

{Note :- That's it for today's update. Hope it was to your liking.

As mentioned in the announcement, I will update The Lonely Bridge the day after, after which I will be going on a break till 28th (due to personal reasons) I will try to update at least one of my ongoing stories during that time but the chances are low.

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Thank you for reading.
Have a nice day.}