I bleed out sadness. I don't inflict pain, on myself. As much as I have a depressing and cruel life I don't hurt myself yet I am still broken. Sometimes
I imagine I'm a vase. Beautifully glazed in blue sitting on a window sill, admired my others. However when broken and smashed I am tossed in the trash; or carefully glued back together but not admired and not seen as something beautiful. I am seen as an accident.
Without meaning or thought I say something to someone. Do I act submissive and accept my wrong or do
I try and clear up what I have done and back it up. No. Neither. I walk away. "Why" you may ask. Well because I can't deal with it. I can't deal with life anymore. I love some parts of life. I imagine my life like a tree. Forever going and changing. If I were a tree I would have big branches. Why? Well because I'd shelter the others around me. I can't do that I'm real life. That's the part I can't deal with. It's hard. So hard. I hate growing up. It's sucks. Really sucks. Maybe some people are happy and some are really fucked up (me) but no one is really happy.

I'm such a bitch. I wish I didn't gossip. But I do. Too much. I wish someone could be like "ooooh that's the kindest girl ever". No I feel awful. There's this girl I gossip about too much. But why? I have not much to do with her and she doesn't have anything to do with me. So why do I do it. To make me feel better about myself? To connect with other people and have a laugh at other people. At the time it seems all 'jokes'. However when you hear People talking about you behind your back it's just heart breaking. So why do I do it? If I know the hurt why do I inflict it on other people?