A.N.:// I am a horrible person. I have zero regrets


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Arthur felt so stupid. There they were, standing by the walls that surrounded Camelot and were supposed to protect the citadel from invadors.
And they stood there, knowing that Morgana's magic was running low and most of his men were still weakened by the headaches that still lingered on their minds with the new old memories. Memories of Arthur.

Others were dead. They had been killed on Agravaine's rampage through the lower town.

Arthur felt sick. How was he ever to explain to his people that the man who killed all their friends and relatives had been under a spell? How was he supposed to explain that Merlin had no choice in any of this? And that Arthur still wanted to keep magic legal?
How could he tell them that if Arthur hadn't left Camelot, all the deaths of the previous three years could have been prevented? (And that he would sacrifice even more for Merlin's sake, if he so must.
How could he tell them that Arthur had married the man who murdered them all?

Arthur couldn't help but excuse the deaths Merlin had caused. But that was because he loved him. Because he knew Merlin's version of the entire story and all the pain he had to go through because of it. Could Camelot be just as forgiving as Arthur was?
Could Camelot allow itself to be merciful?
Arthur knew he was biased. He couldn't find an objective solution that didn't involve killing Merlin.

And now they stood here, waiting for the gates to be pried open by the enemy lines who you could hear roaring and shouting from the other side of the wall.

All while their best chance – namely the man who had caused all the misery of the past few years – was lying unconscious in Arthur's chambers. Merlin couldn't even make up for his mistakes.
JUST because Arthur had been so mad with Agravaine that he couldn't wait with the trial. He hadn't expected the spell on Merlin to be so captivating. To have such aggravating side effects.
He wished he would have known.

He had been a fool. In any kind of fairy tail, Arthur's action would have been the smarter move.
The one the main protagonist only avoided because he was the nice one. Because he couldn't be morally ambiguous. He wouldn't kill his enemy, because it would taint his innocence.

But Arthur was not innocent.
Arthur was not a figure in a fairy tail. He wasn't written to make perfectly correct choices. He was written to struggle with every decision he's ever made. With the good sides and the bad sides. With the assumed easy choices that didn't lead to despair – but to the delay of complete disaster.
With the choices that weren't his own, that had caused misery for everyone he loved.
And he was written for his own logic to fail.

To the point where he couldn't recall, if he was ever the good or the bad guy.
Or if it was just his existence that should have never come to pass.
Sometimes the choices that seem wrong are the better ones.
Sometimes the right choice is the one that gets you killed.
At this point Arthur didn't even care which choice would do what. They were doomed, no matter what he chose. The question was, should he choose love or his people and since when were those two separate things?

It was Morgana who made him see sense.
"Arthur – you have to go back to Merlin.", she said quietly, as the doors busted from the force of the foreign army of Mercia.

"I can't leave Camelot alone.", Arthur argued weakly. Even though he wanted to stay at her side, help her fight the armies...
Even though he wanted to support his knights and comrades that he had abandoned for the past three years, he longed to stand by Merlin.

"Merlin is the most powerful sorcerer who ever walked the earth! And he fights for you, Arthur!
Not to mention you are the KING now, Arthur!
There is no Camelot without either of you!"

Arthur remembered a conversation he'd had with his father once. Where Uther claimed that the citadel had to be closed, because without the crown, their was no Camelot. Camelot had been starving because of a mistake that Arthur had made.
One of the many many mistakes that Arthur had made.
And Arthur had thought how stupid that argument was. Because Camelot was nothing without it's people.
One rich man doesn't make a kingdom.

But that's not what Morgana meant.
Merlin could safe Camelot by himself, if he had the energy. But if Arthur died, he would never recover.
And if Arthur stopped fighting Mercia now, then Camelot would fall to their enemies.
Either way, Camelot was doomed.
They could only win, if Merlin woke up. And Merlin would only wake up, if Arthur went to help him.
It was clear in the way Morgana looked at him that her decision was final. She made the choice for Arthur. She decided to trust in Merlin. Even though she had spend such a long time hating the boy who poisoned her. The person who was destined to kill her.

How strange it was that for once in Arthur's life, the right choice, was the easy one.

"Go.", Morgana said, knowing the turmoil that Arthur felt.
"He has better chances to recover, if you're there with him."
She was right. Arthur exhaled slowly and send her a desperate, thankful smile.
"Thank you Morgana.", he said and immediately turned around on his heels (he had put armor and shoes on. Not that that made his feet hurt any less.)
Without hesitation, he ran back towards his chambers, while sending last orders to Lancelot and Gwaine.

He could feel the worried glances of some of the older knights on his back.
They might remember him from before the amnesia now. But that didn't mean Arthur could restore their trust and respect, by abandoning them right before the battle began.
Arthur had never hid from a fight. The fact that he did now, unsettled his men.

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"Have you found a counter spell yet?", Arthur stormed into his own chambers without knocking.
Mordred literally jumped at the sudden noise. Him and Leon were rummaging through what looked like every book in Camelot's library.
The books covered the grounds, the tabled, even the bed, where Merlin rested.
Big ones, smaller and thinner ones. If Arthur didn't know better, he'd say those were all magic books. But Camelot couldn't have so many magic books, if Uther had let them be burned right?
(They were magic books. But the question where they were hidden would never be answered.)

Mordred shook his head and gnawed on his lips. Too insecure and thrown by the death of his girlfriend to answer properly. Kara. Right. She had been to him what Merlin was to Arthur.
Arthur could see the sorrow on Mordred's face. He just couldn't bring himself to care enough to mention it.

"My lord – these are all the books Agravaine had in his studies. None of them contain a spell or potion or anything that would explain his condition or how to fix it.
We put Agravaine's body in the next room. In case we might need it. But we have no idea how much time we have left and no idea how to reverse any of the magic that Merlin is possessed by.", Leon clapped a small leather bound book shut and tossed it on to another staple of shame.
All of them thrown there. Clearly, none of these books had held useful information.
If that's what the frustrated lines on Leon's forehead were telling Arthur.

Arthur groaned.
"But Merlin is still breathing?"

Leon nodded with a sigh. "I don't think he will die at all. He's just completely weakened, because Agravaine is dead."
'Because you killed Agravaine.', there was no need to say it. Arthur could hear it in his head either way.

It was then that they could hear shouting and screaming from the court yard.
Mercia's army must have broken through the walls.
Leon's head snapped to Arthur.
He didn't ask why he was here. But understanding washed over his features.

Arthur tried to calm his nerves and sat down on the ground. Then he picked up a book, hoping that it would at least distract him from his troubled conscience.
It didn't. Arthur was so worried over everyone and everything, he couldn't read a single word.

Suddenly the windows slammed open from outside.
Arthur and Leon both jumped to their feet, swords in hand, as a small figure appeared between the frames.

Blinded by the sunlight, Arthur needed a second to recognize the small figure with the short hair.

"Katie?", Arthur asked surprised. He had not expected her here. In truth... he hadn't had time to think about her much, since he had called her a monster. (Also, how had she gotten here so fast? She had been on the way back to Brieldier last time he saw her. From Brieldier to Camelot was a long way. Arthur, Gwaine and Lancelot had walked hours upon hours without rest or sleep.
Katie didn't even break a sweat. At the same time, Arthur was far out of his mind to question her time travel miracle.)
"You have two choices.", she began, not waiting for an apology or a simple hello.

In this very moment, she could have been that stereotypical random ghost or witch that appeared in a story to give the final cryptic message that would save them all.
And maybe that was what she was now. Maybe this was her entire purpose. Maybe it wasn't. Maybe she had just grown with the story as much as Arthur and Merlin had.

"Either Merlin's advisor sets him free from the chains, or you kill Merlin.", she threw a book at Mordred. It spectacularly bounced of his head and made him shout out in pain.
Until he recognized the symbols and the torn leather cover of the book.
Then his eyes widened, as he reached for it. "ARTHUR! This is it! This is Agravaine's book!"

Arthur stared at him, then his head snapped back to Katie.
"How did you find it? How did you know we need it?"

Katie's eyes softened into something sad, as she pulled out something light and white from her brown robes. "Dave.", she explained one of his questions and stroked the unconscious form of her magical friend.
Arthur's shoulders slumped. Right... Dave was made of Merlin's magic. If Merlin was dying or too exhausted to use his magic... all his creations would falter to exist.
"I've had the book for a while. I've been trying to find a way to free Merlin from the chains. But -", she sighed.
"There is no easy way to save him. Where is that advisor? Maybe you can force him to unbind Merlin from the blood magic."

Arthur's shoulder's slumped. "I killed him.", he said with unwavering eyes.
Katie paled noticeably. "Is there a way to revive him?"
Arthur winced. "No. I used a magic sword to kill him."

Katie looked down and finally her eyes found rest on Merlin's ashen form.
"Then you have to kill Merlin too.", she whispered regretfully. It was a matter of fact. And that almost killed Arthur's last resolve. They had no other option.

Arthur shook his head in a vehement gesture.
"Absolutely not. Even if I did, he would survive it! He's immortal! It's not possible to -"
His voice faded, before his glance rested on the handle of Excalibur. Right, how could he be so stupid. He had everything he needed to kill Merlin.
And once again he was reminded that the only weapon capable of killing Merlin had been gifted to Arthur by the man himself.

"Absolutely not!", Arthur said again and shook his head once more.

"Arthur, I'm so sorry. But either you kill him, or he will continue to suffer like this for the rest of eternity.", Katie argued reasonably.
How a small twelve year old ended up being the voice of reason for the king of Camelot.... well...
you know the story. It still is funny, if you think about it.

"Are you telling me.... there is no way to save him? He either suffers... or he dies?"

Katie nodded. Arthur buried his face in his hands in defeat.
"Fuck.", he muttered. Uncaring that everyone in the room could hear him.

"But -", Katie hesitated.
Arthur blinked rapidly, before looking back at her.
"There might be another way. If we manage to separate his body from his soul."
The prince stared at her. "And how does that help?"

Katie took a deep breath. "It's the natural thing to happen, when someone dies.", she began to explain, which did nothing to sooth Arthur's panic.

"And it's what needs to be done to free Merlin from the spell.
The spell is a chain between his life force to the advisor guy's own. It's a one sided spell. So killing Merlin wouldn't hurt the man, but the other way around is a completely different matter. It's made this way, so that the guy with the strings in the hands, can cut himself off their puppet at any time.
However, Merlin's life force is not the same thing as his soul.
If we separate Merlin's soul from his body and somehow manage to keep it here somewhere, then we should be able to revive him after he dies."

She was talking slowly, so Arthur could follow her words, despite his inner panic.

"Is it even possible to contain a soul?", Leon asked, all of a sudden, interrupting Arthur's moment of resignated hope.

Mordred answered for him. "It is.", he nodded.
"But for that you need a container that speaks of someone's life. In the old religion, druids have done this with diaries and stuff.
Cornelius Sigan for example was rumored to have found a way to extend his life by putting his soul into a crystal. For that to work, he had to fill the crystal with his own blood.
If I remember correctly, Merlin was the one who killed him a few years back."

Arthur opened his mouth to say something, but then he closed his mouth. He.... did not remember that.
"Wait a second, did you say diary?", Arthur asked and turned around to face Mordred.
"Yes.", Katie smiled. "That's why I brought this."
And then she jumped from the window sill and pulled yet another object from her robes.

It was...
Of course. Of bloody course.
The entire time I have been questioning what to do with that bloody jar that the story is named after and now destiny has found us once again.
"The memory jar.", Arthur almost laughed at my inner turmoil.

(A.N.:// Anyone else realizing that this story is basically a 135 pages (so far) of a monologue where I'm trying to make everything make sense?
I'm literally bullshitting myself through the story. I hope you're enjoying yourself XD)

Katie handed the jar to Arthur.

Then her expression turned sad once more. "Merlin left a note for you.", she said and sighed.

Arthur blinked. "What? When? Why?"

Her face twisted. "You should probably read it. It was under the Jar. I assume that Merlin wrote it with magic, when the advisor guy came. I think he meant it as a good bye."

Arthur looked at her for another second, trying to see if she had read the letter by the way her expression shifted. He couldn't say for sure.

Then he grabbed the letter she held out for him and unfolded it.
Immediately his eyes softened, as he saw the familiar scribbled words of Merlin handwriting in magical ink on paper.

"Dear Arthur,", Arthur read in his mind.

"It seems our time together is over now. This morning, Agravaine found me.
I don't know how or why he's here. All I know is that he is.
I don't know where you went this morning, but please stay there. Don't let Agravaine and his men find you.
He knows I'm married and he won't rest until he finds and kills you.
He's ordered me to kill my love. Which means, you can never, under any circumstances, come back to me.
Change your location to somewhere I cannot find you.
I'd rather die than being the cause of your death.
You have given me the best two years of my entire life, Arthur. I will never forget that. Don't hesitate to move on, if worse comes to worst.

I love you. And I shall never forget the love you've shown me.

Some people say that marriage chains a man. If that is true, than you have grounded me, Arthur. And in that, you have freed me from all the chaos and the storms that I had been caught up in. Because your chains are different than Agravaine's. Agravaine's are covered in blood.

I've never felt more myself than I did with you.
You gave me a reason to live.
Don't take that reason away from me by being so loyally stupid to follow me into my own despair!

Yours, Merlin. "

Arthur stared at the piece of paper. So much had happened since Merlin wrote the letter.
Somehow, Arthur already knew all this. Why did Merlin have to tell him such useless things?
He balled his hand into a fist, causing the letter to crumble into a small ball.
And yet, it hardened his resolve.
"Okay. Let's do this.", he said and swallowed whatever was left of his pride and his resolve.
He knew, if they failed, not only would Camelot fall, but Arthur himself would die inside.
Then again.... if he did, he didn't think Camelot's fall could hurt him any more than Merlin's death would.

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Mordred and Katie didn't need to search long to find a spell that would cage Merlin's soul inside the memory jar. But it took their combined efforts, to actually make it happen.
Which meant that Leon or Arthur would have to kill Merlin with Excalibur.

To be completely honest, this was not a decision.
Arthur had to do it. It was his sword. His gift from Merlin.
For the first time since Arthur's memories came back, Arthur truly understood why Merlin lied to him about his magic.

It was stupid really. Merlin wasn't even awake to see how Arthur's hands trembled around the hilt of his sword.
It was the knowledge alone that hurt.
It was the way his fingers were wet with sweat from nerves and regrets that made him suffer.

He wasn't even judging Merlin anymore and yet it hurt so so bad.

Arthur HAD to kill Merlin, for entirely different reasons than he would have, when his father was still alive.
And yet, Arthur felt like he was betraying his fathers legacy.
Okay... maybe that thought was outdated. He was disappointing his father by allowing magic back in Camelot.
And Arthur was going to hurt Merlin and Merlin wouldn't even bat an eye at it.

It wasn't hard to imagine what it would have been like, if Merlin had trusted him back then.
Had Arthur been able to kill Merlin?
Even now, though he knew they were saving Merlin by doing this, he hated every breath that left his own lungs.
He hated every glance in his direction and every thought that crossed his mind.

In this moment, he remembered the final moments of Freya. How he had seen her turn into the bastet, before he lunged his sword at her and kill her.
Maybe it was just his imagination that messed with his memories, but he could see Merlin only a few yards away from them. Crying bitterly.
Because Arthur killed the love of his life.

He remembered Will, how the man had jumped in front of a cross bow to save Arthur's life. Then he took the blame for the magical tornado that had saved the entire town. And then he saw Merlin's grief, when Arthur told him magic was evil.

Arthur remembered, how they raided druid camps, how Arthur attacked the unicorn, despite Merlin's advice against it.

Yes. Arthur had been stupid. He had been so ignorant of magic. Calling everything that was ever done with it evil, when the very man he had been trying to protect was magic itself.

Arthur didn't deserve Merlin's trust.

He closed his eyes and then, Arthur stabbed his former servant.

Merlin's red eyes shot up in surprise. And only for a moment they found Arthur's crying ones.
Only for a moment, Arthur could see recognition flash through Merlin's eyes. Then resignation. Then acceptance. And then forgiveness.
And then the life left Merlin's body.

"HURRY!", Arthur shouted, as Katie's and Mordred's chanting echoed louder and louder in the room, causing a blue bubble of magic to form just above Merlin's heart.
Arthur almost sobbed a laugh, as once again, he recognized the orb. The orb that had saved his own life once, while Merlin was supposed to be dying.
But of course, Merlin had still supported Arthur.
Of course, the flower Arthur had fought so hard for was not what had saved him in the end. But his own magic had.
Arthur felt like such a fool. Merlin was immortal. The entire mission had been in vain.

The blue orb was covered in reddish, bloody chains. But as soon as life faded out of Merlin's eyes, and Arthur knew his heart had stopped beating, the chains untangled themselves.
Katie chanted another few words and soon enough, the soul was secured tightly withing the memory jar.
The jar glowed blue and golden and Arthur had never seen anything more beautiful than this.

With shuddering breaths, he reached for the jar and Katie handed it over without further questions.

"It's done.", she whispered, then she turned her head back to Merlin. Who's stomach was still bleeding out where the sword was still piercing through him.

Arthur's grip around the jar tightened. It was one thing to know where the soul of a person is. To think of someone and talk to them, knowing they are there.
But to see Merlin's corpse laying there, skin pale, pulse gone completely, it broke Arthur's heart.

"What now?", Arthur asked quietly, not sure he knew what the answer would be.

"Remove the sword. We have to patch him up, before we put his soul back.", Katie explained. But she too, was trembling.
This wasn't the first corpse she had ever seen. After all, ill mannered knights had roamed Brieldier more often than Arthur would have allowed them to.

Arthur nodded slowly, then he went and removed the sword from the body. A sickeningly slick sound emerged, where the blood squished around the blade and Arthur wanted nothing more than to look away.

Katie took a deep breath, then she went back to chanting. Slowly, agonizingly slowly, golden strings seemed to patch up Merlin's wound.
"How much time do we have?", Arthur managed to ask, faintly noting how his cheeks were stained wet with tears.

"Not long.", Katie murmured back, but didn't break her concentration from the body.
There was a pause.
"Thank you.", Katie said.

Arthur startled. "Thank you for what? I have to thank YOU, Katie!"
"Thank you for giving me hope in the future. For showing me how accepting of magic you are. And thank you for teaching me how to read. And helping me with my spell casting.
If you hadn't done that, I wouldn't be able to help you."

Arthur stared at her. "You're helping ME! Katie. I should be thanking YOU! You're saving Merlin!"
Katie shook her head.
"No.", she said and something akin to fear appeared on her face, as she viewed her work on Merlin's body.
"I'm saving magic.", she said and took a deep breath.

"Arthur, there is one thing you don't know.", she said and turned to Arthur with the saddest expression Arthur had ever seen.

"And what would that be?", Arthur asked, irritated.
"Magic can be cruel.", she said quietly.
"I know that. I've seen it with my own eyes, my entire life! But it can also be good, it -"

"It needs a price.", Katie sighed.
Arthur halted. He knew what this meant. What she was saying. And he felt like a fool for not having seen this coming. We all do. We should have known.

"What price?", he dreaded the answer.
Surely it was different for Merlin. They had to kill him to get to this point in the first place!
First they took his life and then they gave it back, right? That's how it works right?
But it's not. For one, because you couldn't just press a button to pause life.
For another, because Merlin isn't mortal.

"The magic of the earth, the sea and the sky have always talked to me. They have been calling out for me, long before we met.
For the longest time, I wondered what my powers were made for. When we met, I began to understand that it was my destiny to help you.
You and Merlin.
Merlin is immortal, Arthur. To bring his life back, you need another immortal life."
She locked eyes with Arthur. Eyes with so much meaning, Arthur couldn't help but feel like someone had just ordered his own execution.

"Emrys is much stronger than I would ever have become, Arthur."

"You're not seriously suggesting that we offer your life for his, are you?", Arthur asked mortified.

Katie was just a child. She couldn't seriously...
"No.", Katie shook her head.
"I'm not suggesting."

And with that, she cried out to the gods of magic. The world stood still as darkness flooded the skies, the earth and the sea.
Arthur couldn't even hear his own screams. Only faintly he could see Leon staring and Mordred flailing were he stood, his mouth covered by his own hands.

Katie's eyes glowed golden for just one second, and then Merlin's body began to breathe again.
Arthur, completely numb, left the memory jar fall to the ground.
And it exploded into teeny tiny pieces of glass. Scrolls, containing Arthur's and Merlin's life together, evaporated and became one with Merlin's soul.

A bluish explosion filled the room and contrasted the darkness within the world.
Memories, old and new, Arthur's and Merlin's, mixed together and showed a giant memorial of their life's in only few moments.
In Arthur's heart he could see everything. Everything that ever happened, since Merlin came to Camelot. How he lived his life in the shadows of Uther Pendragon. How he hid in the shadows as Arthur's manservant. And what he truly did all those years.
Arthur's eyes filled with tears. He didn't want to know. Not now. Not like this.

When the storm settled, Arthur had only half a mind to watch as Merlin woke up from his slumber, finally free from the chains.

All while Katie's body slumped to the ground like a broken toy. Her soul had left her body.
She had known this would happen. But she hadn't bothered granting Arthur a choice.
Somehow, that made it both better and worse.