hi, friends <3 it has been a while, i know. i usually struggle to update during the semester, but it was a very challenging semester to transition to online schooling with the pandemic. more about that later. i hope you're doing well. please read the author's note at the end. kindly point out any typos or mistakes, and i hope you enjoy xx

RECAP: darcy asks chris to be her partner in recreating the wedding dance of her father and late wife, evellyn. he accepts because he's cute like that. ben and darcy talk about her time in california and the strained dynamic she and richard had with suzie, evellyn's sister. she ponders what makes home a home and wonders what life would've been like if evellyn and gray hadn't passed. overwhelmed by her thoughts and feelings of guilt and pain, she calls jessica. 

✦✧✦

"If you focus on what you have left behind, you won't see what lies ahead." 

- Gusteau, Ratatouille 

✦✧✦

I was pulled into the tightest hug the moment the door opened, revealing Jessica in a loose cami top and polka dot pajama shorts. I let myself melt into her embrace. For a moment, neither of us spoke. I held her just as tight and felt the strain in my chest slowly slip away.

It's a feeling I've begun to recognize again now that we've been reunited. Jessica was not only the big sister of the orphanage, but she was the best big sister any of us could've asked for. She looked after us, made us feel welcome, played with us, took care of us. She was the first person I took to when I first came to the orphanage. I'll never forget the week I came to the orphanage and I awoke sobbing from a nightmare of my dad. The girls in the room with me didn't know what to do with the new girl, but Jessica came in and took me to her room for the night. She held me until I was lulled to sleep, and I felt every terrible feeling slip away.

"Thanks for inviting me over," I murmured.

Jessica pulled back to look at me. "I'm glad you called. You know I'm here for you always."

Tears welled in my eyes knowing that I had Jessica's light on my side to fight the monsters tonight. She smiled and pulled me into her arms again, gently stroking my hair as I allowed the tears to fall freely. She's a guardian angel, if I've ever had one.

Then, I felt a heavier hand rest on top of my head. I raised my head from Jessica's shoulders to see Reece hauling my backpack up from the floor. He wasn't in his pajamas like Jessica, instead wearing a fitted black workout shirt with orange and black running shorts.

"Heyo, kid. Welcome to the abode. Jessica was shouting at me to clean up before you came by and I just finished."

"You had dishes and clothes all over the place!" Jessica shot back in defense. "I don't want Darcy sleeping with your work shirt lying near her nose."

"Why not? My cologne smells fantastic, y'know. This super gorgeous girl got it for me as a Christmas gift."

He winked, and I giggled. Jessica did a bad job concealing her smile but still wrinkled her nose at him. "Whatever. Go get your workout in before the gym closes down."

"All right, all right," Reece said as he threw an arm around my shoulders. "You girls have your chat. I'll be back in a bit. And –" he leaned down to whisper not so quietly to me – "I'll have a nice stinky shirt for you to use as a pillow cover tonight."

Even though Jessica was walking towards the kitchen, she heard him enough to shout, "Out!" from over one shoulder.

Laughing, I shrugged Reece's arm off my shoulder and was ready to follow after Jessica when Reece called my name. I turned.

The jokester facade had dropped, replaced with the side of him that's remained even after all these years. When I was younger and I first met Reece, I didn't know what to think of him. I looked at him and saw someone rough. Someone fierce. A fighter. And while he was all that when he needed to be, at the end of the day, Reece was a lover and a protector. He defends and looks after everyone he loves. And I saw that side of him now as he rested his hands on my shoulders and met my gaze, searching, a silent question in his eyes. What's wrong? Are you okay?

I wonder what he saw. Could he see my pain? Guilt? Because that's certainly what drove me here in the first place.

Papa had nearly walked me to the door himself after I told him about the sleepover with Jessica. But being the paranoid daddy's girl that I was, I fretted over leaving him and almost changed my mind. After reminding me time and time again that he was a grown seventy year old man who could take care of himself, I caved under the reassurance of London, who I called and got her word that she would check on him before he went to bed and in the morning. Still, Papa and I stayed on the phone as long as subway reception allowed, as well as on the walk over to Jessica and Reece's place.

I tried to give Reece a smile, but it was half-hearted at best. That must have been enough because he returned my smile and ruffled my hair before saying, "You two talk. I'll be back soon. Ring if you need anything."

I nodded. After he left, I went to go find Jessica in the kitchen. It was a narrow kitchen with gray granite tops and an arch in the wall that looked out into their living room. She had two mugs on the small breakfast bar, both steaming with what I assumed was delicious chocolatey liquid.

"Sylvia taught me how to make hot chocolate," Jessica murmured softly, not turning to look at me as she stirred one of the mugs. I came up behind her and put my chin on her shoulder. We were nearly the same height, with me just an inch or two taller. She sniffed immediately.

"How have you been?" I asked her.

Her voice wobbled just slightly as she said, "Holding in there. My boss offered to give me time off after it happened, but I didn't want to take it. Work keeps my mind busy."

I grimaced thinking at the number of school days I've been missing.

Jessica handed me my hot chocolate in a lovely mug designed with a penguin couple cuddling together in the snow. We transferred over to the couch, which had been pulled out into a bed for me to sleep on tonight.

"So, how have you been?" Jessica asked, returning my question.

I stared down at my own mug. "Hanging in there, too. I have my good days and bad days. Sometimes I can go the whole day without crying, other days I can't help it."

Jessica nodded, her eyes turning solemn as she took a sip of her drink. "I understand that. For me, I guess, it's been more bad days than good."

My heart ached for her. Miss Sylvi practically raised Jessica. I bet she was the closest thing to a motherly figure that Jessica had, besides maybe Rebecca, Chris's mom and Reece's guardian for years. I reached out for Jessica's hand as her eyes became glassy with tears. She tried to brush them off with a giggle, saying, "Well, with time things will change, yeah?"

"Definitely," I said but I wondered how true that was. They say time heals all wounds, but does it completely? Does a tough emotional scar patch over wounds like this, or does it always manage to open back up again? I thought of Sylvia's family, then of Papa and his family. What about me? Will this sadness and guilt I feel for Evellyn and Gray ever fade?

I bit my lip, feeling the exact wound open up again. The same persistent thought came back. It should be them.

Jessica noticed my shift in demeanor and squeezed my hand. "Will you tell me what's been troubling you? Why were you crying when you called?"

I hesitated. "I... I don't know if it's stupid."

"Let's hear it."

Like with Chris, I started at the beginning with the boxes, the decorating, the record, and the dancing. I told her about my plan to recreate Papa and Evellyn's dance and how I had asked Chris to be my dance partner (to which she couldn't stop smiling at). I explained my thoughts on how California never felt like home to me and explained the relationship between us and Suzie. When it came to what I wrote in my journal, I couldn't meet her eyes. Instead, I stared down at my now cold chocolate drink.

"I feel... I don't know. Guilty."

Jessica tilted her head. "Guilty?"

"Survivor's guilt, maybe?" Suddenly, the emotions I'd been feeling before coming here hit me all at once, in full force. "I know it's probably stupid of me to dwell on Evellyn and Gray's death when I've known the whole story for almost three years, and I know that I can't change the past, but I just can't help but feel lately that..." And when I thought that I'd cried enough for the day, my next four words came out in a sob. The same four words that have been haunting my head all evening. "It should be them. With Papa, not me."

And suddenly, it was like I was six again, half in Jessica's lap as I cried into her shoulder and she held onto me. The haunting words keep it in or keep it quiet were replaced with my own damning words.

It should be them. It should be them. It should be them.

I shook my head vigorously, as if shaking my head hard enough would rattle the words right out of my head. "Why do I feel this all now?" I cried out. "But then it's probably stupid of me to feel this way. But then I can't help but feel this way." Feeling such frustration with myself, I clutched at my head. This very thing felt so at war with my heart. My thoughts and feelings weren't on the same page and I couldn't get them there, no matter how hard I tried.

Jessica placed a hand on my head, instructing me to breathe with her the same way she did when she found me on the rooftop. Deep breaths in for four seconds, deep breaths out for four. We did that over and over until my sobs ceased and the crushing weight in my chest alleviated ever so slightly. My legs were thrown over Jessica's lap and my head was nestled in her shoulder, which was now slick with tears and maybe some snot. I made a feeble attempt to wipe them with my jacket sleeve.

"Sorry," I whispered.

She shook her head. "Don't be, Darce. And don't be angry with yourself for feeling this way. Listen –" she met my eyes with a level-headed gaze. "You're sixteen now. You're growing up. Guilt, anger, sadness, and all of what you're feeling right now are totally normal. You say these feelings are stupid or bad, but you're feeling these things for a reason and it's completely valid."

I mustered a weak nod, but let her words sink in. She was right. Sylvia's death was sad in itself, but it's been a trigger for a lot of different things, too.

"Your Papa loves you so much," Jessica continued. "And he loved Evellyn and Gray, too. It's not fair that they were taken, you're right. You're allowed to mourn them now, even if it's been years later. But I think we can wish things went differently while also working to move forward. You can mourn and honor them in a way that's special to you while also healing in the process. It sounds like you want to do just that with this dance. It sounds absolutely brilliant," she emphasized with a squeeze. "I can't even begin to imagine how your Papa will feel when he sees you perform something so close to his heart."

At that, I couldn't help but smile widely at the possibilities of his reaction. This song and this dance were so special to Papa, I was so excited to bring it to life. I had no clue how Chris and I were going to pull this off, despite his saying he'd handle the rest if I got the tape from Suzie, but I was reinvigorated by my determination.

We heard the jiggle of a key being put into the front door. Reece came in, tendrils of sweaty brown hair hanging low on his forehead. He was still breathing heavily as he stepped into the living room and surveyed our position on the couch. His face scrunched at what must have been my puffy, red eyes. He pointed a finger behind us and said, "Bad time? Should I hop in the shower?"

I shook my head. "Jessica's spoken her words of wisdom and love, so the time of bad has passed," I said, looking at Jessica. She smiled brightly in return, then reached for our half-drunken hot chocolates.

"I'll go heat these back up. Reece, why don't you go shower and then Darcy can tell you the special thing she and Chris are planning?"

Reece's eyebrows shot up instantly with curiosity and suggestiveness. I glared. "It's not what you think," I shot before he could mutter a word.

He waved a dismissive hand. "It'll get there eventually," he said as he reached down to give Jessica a kiss. "Well, have you told her what we're planning, sunshine?"

I cocked my head. "No, she didn't."

The two of them shared a meaningful look before Jessica said, "I'll tell her. Go shower so you can join us. Maybe we can watch a movie once you're done."

He nodded. Cupping her cheek, he leaned down to give her a lingering kiss before going and disappearing into the bedroom. I peered at Jessica expectantly as she came back and placed our newly heated hot chocolates down on a small table next to the couch. She smiled, but there was a shadow of sadness hiding her usual light and glimmer.

"Remember how I said how we can wish things went differently but also work on moving forward? Well..." She blew out a long breath, then smiled a bit more brightly. "Reece and I are finally planning our wedding. We're going to get married this year."

The shriek that came out of me was so loud, I wondered if Reece was able to hear it over the noise of his shower. Jessica laughed as I pulled her into a hug and became a stream of squeals and excitable noises. Quickly remembering the shadow of sadness, I pulled back. "So... what did you wish you could do differently?"

Although she was still smiling, her voice gave a little crack as she said, "That we did it sooner. Before she died."

I felt my own heart crack in my chest. "Oh, Jessica..."

Tears quickly pooled in her eyes as her gaze became distant. "I always dreamed she'd walk me down the aisle. She's the only person I ever thought to ask. Reece and I have been engaged for years now, but we were never in a rush to make everything legal. We knew we would spend the rest of our lives together and that's all that mattered, but now... I wish we had done the ceremony sooner. So she could've been there."

And then, it was my turn to hold and to listen as Jessica crumbled into tears and grief.

We talked for a little bit. Jessica cried on and off. The worst of it was when she told me that Sylvia's memorial service and funeral would be soon. Reece was distraught to come out of his shower to see Jessica crying. I watched as he switched from alarmed into somber protector. He strode over and scooped Jessica effortlessly into his arms before sitting by me on the couch. He stroked her hair and occasionally whispered quietly into her ear. We let her continue until she calmed down. Then she discarded our hot chocolates and replaced them with fresh ones, making an additional one for Reece. We were sporting matching puffy eyes by the time we started a movie.

The movie turned out to be so unbelievably bad and infuriating that our yelling at the TV distracted us from the sorrows for the rest of the night.

Finally, Jessica and Reece bid their goodnights with promises of going out for breakfast tomorrow. Reece, thank goodness, didn't keep his promise of giving me his stinky workout shirt as a pillowcase and instead dressed the sofa bed with a plush duvet and a single memory foam pillow. Comfy as I was, I couldn't quite fall asleep. Thankfully, it wasn't because of the monsters I feared would come out tonight. Rather, I was running through all of Jessica's words of comfort and advice. She taught me valuable things that I wanted to keep close to my heart moving forward, like the gift of giving myself permission to feel things. We feel things for a reason, after all, so there's no need to stamp them away with a label that they're "bad" and shouldn't be felt.

I could never change what happened to Evellyn and Gray. I couldn't rearrange the order of the world so that we were a complete family together. But I was renewed with the desire to honor them and hold them close to my heart every day.

This time, I didn't hesitate as I took out my phone and pressed the call button on Suzie's contact. It was midnight now, but it was only nine in her time zone. My heart rate picked up in anticipation that she'd answer but also worry that she wouldn't. I kicked off the covers and slipped off the sofa bed. The phone was still ringing as I quietly shut the bathroom door behind me. Hopefully my talking in here wouldn't wake Jessica and Reece up. I sat on the rim of the bathtub and looked down at my phone. She wasn't answering.

My finger was just about to hit the red button when I heard it. A faint "Hello?"

I jumped and pressed the phone quickly to my ear. "H-hello?"

"Darcy!" I hadn't heard Suzie's voice in so long. "Well, I wasn't expecting a call from you this late into the night."

I wiped a sweaty palm against my leg. "I-I'm sorry I'm calling so late. I should've called you in the morning instead. Did I wake you?" I guess I was just so eager to make the call – in case my confidence and determination had vanished by morning

"No, not at all!" Suzie said quickly. "It's... actually rather nice to hear from you again. How are you and Richard doing?"

I softened. I didn't expect her to say that.

I didn't exactly call to exchange pleasantries and have a catch up, but after a long while of talking, I wish I had done it sooner. The call went a lot smoother than my manifested fears had predicted. I told her how Papa and I had adjusted to the ownership of the Brewing Cafe. I assured her school was going okay and that I had reconnected with some old friends while having made some new ones. She caught me up on some of her favorite series and movies that she's watched recently and admitted that she had adopted a cat from her neighbor two doors down to help with her loneliness.

Lonely? I thought. Was she lonely without us? "Oh, Suzie, I'm sorry you've been a bit lonely. I hope Patrick is a nice companion."

"Oh, he is. He's been great company. I find him sleeping in the silliest positions around the house sometimes."

I didn't know what to say. Was she really lonely because we were gone? Did she miss having us around the house? Should I say I missed her? I opted for, "Maybe Papa and I can come visit sometime. Or you can come here! You can enjoy complimentary food and drink at the Brewing Cafe, guaranteed with your plane ticket."

She laughed, a sound that was actually quite rare. I sometimes could hear it echoing down the hallway as she watched something in her bedroom. I was never the source of her laughter.

"My, well that does sound lovely."

The flow of our conversation was as pleasant as I could've ever hoped for. It wasn't quite like our old conversations that felt strained or short. This one had gone on for so long that I had given up on the bathtub and had switched to sitting on the toilet seat. I didn't want to ruin everything by bringing up the one thing that seemed to always put a gaping abyss between us. But maybe by telling her I wanted to do this dance, Evellyn and Gray could bring us closer rather than push us apart. Wishing on all the stars in the sky that this would be true, I took the leap.

"Actually, Suzie, there's something I wanted to talk to you about."

"Oh? What is it?"

I squeezed my braid. Please, Suzie. Don't push away.

For the third time, I briefly recounted how Papa and I had spread Evellyn and Gray's belongings around our apartment, as well as the dancing. "I wanted to recreate Papa and Evellyn's wedding dance with a friend of mine as a surprise for Papa on their fortieth wedding anniversary. Papa mentioned you had the VHS tape and I was wondering if you could possibly mail it here so that we could try and learn it? I... "

I clutched at my knees, feeling utterly vulnerable the longer I spoke. We rarely talked about Evellyn and Gray. This topic was like walking on the thinnest sheet of ice. But I didn't want this to be the case anymore. I wanted Evellyn and Gray to be a bridge, not a rift.

"I-I know that I never met them, and I could never replace them," I continued. "They're special people that were taken too soon. By putting their things around the apartment and by trying to do this dance, I thought I could honor Papa and Evellyn's love in a special way. And Gray, too."

Suzie was silent for so long that I thought she had broken up. Finally, when she did speak, she simply asked, "You... spread their things around your home?"

"Yes. I thought it may be nice to... let them settle home, too." I said those exact words to Papa, and it was the best way to explain how I felt. It encompassed everything I felt about wanting to move forward with them rather than detached from them. No longer memories locked in a box. I wanted to blend the past with our present and future.

I almost leaped up in glee as Suzie said, "I'll look for the tape tomorrow and send it to you right away."

"Really?" I exclaimed, a bit too loudly. I lowered my voice and said, "Thank you, Suzie!"

"No, Darcy. Thank you. Goodnight, dear."

She hung up then.

I didn't know what to think. Thank me for what exactly? I couldn't quite read her tone of voice. I was a bit nervous that she didn't have much else to say after I laid out my already fragile heart in front of her. But all of that didn't matter so much right now. The tape was coming. The plan was in motion. And I was exhausted by the day, the tears, and the rollercoaster of emotions. Everything in me felt heavy with exhaustion. My eyes felt it the most, so much so that they closed the instant my head hit the pillow. 

the ball is rolling, folks, we've got lots ahead! i hope you enjoyed the chapter. i've wrapped up this stressful semester and am officially a senior in college! it's crazy to think about how much has happened in our world since my last update. i hope you and your loved ones are staying safe, following your health authorities, and are doing okay. this semester was extremely hard to finish going online. many tears were shed. but i'm just happy to finally be on summer. THE SUMMER OF WRITING HAS BEGUN. i'm thinking of committing to a bi-weekly update schedule if i can manage it, but you bet there will be more updates in the next upcoming weeks.

also, a big fat CONGRATULATIONS to you 2020 graduates out there. i know this school year didn't go as expected, but you deserve all the happy celebratory things. i'm so sorry if your graduation was canceled or pushed back. you deserve to be celebrated. 

today's chapter question is simply: how are you? show some light and love to one another in the comments. these are difficult times and i want this community to be full of support. 

bonus question: are you playing animal crossing HAHAHA because i have been and would love to talk about it.

i hope you liked the chapter. drop a vote and a comment if you'd like, and i'll talk to you very soon xx