One Year Earlier. July 2018.

A D D I E

We had a small slab of concrete in our 'back garden'. We were on the second floor so it was a balcony which had a steel railing surrounding it and there was enough space for a sun chair and a little table. There was also a decent ish view of the street below. Not that it was all that interesting. Just cars and more condos across the road.

School was out for the summer so not only were the local teenagers out and about, roaming the streets, but also tourists, in strong waves. There was a constant hum of chatter below me and feet scuffing the sidewalk. It didn't bother me enough to flee from the sun but it was mildly disturbing while I tried to lose myself in the world of Violet and Finch. I was invested in both of their happiness. I needed it more than mine.

A low hoarse voice that I recognized as Margo's when she sang Miley Cyrus came from the living room and I laughed at her rendition of Wrecking Ball. She'd been at a sweet sixteen that she organised and the theme was Malibu.

"I came in like a wrecking baaaaaaaaall," she wailed and I peered over my shoulder to see her flailing her arms and legs around in some sort of possessed impressionist dance as she came towards the balcony. "I never hit so hard in loooooove. All I wanted was to break your walls. All you ev—"

"Shut up!"

Margo had ended up standing beside me and she stared over the edge of the balcony in outrage at whoever had shouted at her to quit the live performance. Sounded like a group of teenage girls.

"Kids have a lot of nerve these days," she frowned and sat on the end of my lounge chair.

"Forget them. You sounded beautiful."

"Don't lie to me."

I raised my book to hide the guilt ridden grin that I wore. No, Margo wasn't a master of the arts. She couldn't sing well at all but she had a good time doing it, so I dealt.

"All The Bright Places by Jennifer Niven," she read the cover that I was still hiding behind. "Sounds cute and uplifting. But it also sounds like it can wait. We should go and get a picnic and head to the beach."

"Why?"

"Because it sounds fun."

Didn't to me. I mean, the beach was nice enough. But the thought of sand getting all through our food was enough to make me frown with resistance. But I knew that Margo would be itching to get out of the house on her first Saturday evening free so far this summer.

The sweet sixteenth had run from ten this morning and was meant to end officially at three. But during one of our meetings with the client, I'd overheard the birthday girl on the phone, making plans for after dark while her mother was out of the room. I kept quiet about it.

"Yeah alright," I tried not to sigh with boredom and stood up.

"Get a swimsuit!" Margo called over her shoulder as she ran inside ahead of me.

We laid our towels out in a semi secluded spot. Not that there was a whole lot of that at the moment. Santa Monica beach was packed to the brim and that was to be expected at this time of the year. Margo wore a wide brimmed hat and a one piece that had cut outs on the sides. She looked like a swimsuit model with her slim figure and enormous sunglasses. She was just a bit too short to fit the role.

I was on my stomach, book opened up in front of me. The breeze kept catching the pages so I had to rest both hands on either side of it. All of a sudden I felt the string of my bikini being pulled and I gasped, peering behind me to find Margo leaning over me.

"Dude?"

"You don't want tan lines."

"I don't want my boobies falling out either."

She giggled and fell back onto her towel. "Relax. I'll do them up when it's time to swim."

I sighed but didn't move. I couldn't move. Wretch.

"So, next week. Changed your mind yet?"

I peered over at Margo. She was referring to our appointment with the IVF clinic. It'd been about six months since she agreed to let me surrogate her child. But it had taken us a few weeks to find a reputable doctor. Margo said if she was doing this, she was doing it with the best. And the best was booked out for months. So it'd been a long wait but I was sure that it would be worth it.

"Of course I haven't changed my mind."

I couldn't see the top half of her face behind the glasses but I could sense her relief. She might have insisted that I wasn't the one to carry her baby, but I knew she was excited now that she'd made the appointment and the plan was coming together.

"Carrie told me I was selfish," Margo said, face aimed upward at the sun. She sounded as though she was in the middle of a downpour and I almost bolted up right until I remembered that I'd have a nip slip for the ages if I did that.

"Selfish?! What for?"

"For surrogacy. For not adopting a baby instead. She told me that I could help an existing life instead of creating a new one. Especially since I obviously was not intended to have kids."

"She's a bitch," I snapped. Carrie was Margo's personal trainer and self appointed advice guru.

"You know she's just honest."

Too honest in most cases. She never gave her speeches with vehemence or judgment but even with a 'compassionate' and 'concerned' tone, she managed to hit right where it hurt.

"Don't even listen to her."

"She said that woman like me were specifically put on earth to save the babies that needed a loving home. It's all about balance and opportunities for all. She thinks the fact that surrogacy even exists is disgusting."

"That's ridiculous," I was almost shouting now and I wanted to sit up. I felt like I needed to get in her face and slap these thoughts out of her head. "It's called personal choice and we're all entitled to it. The fact that some women can't have babies is just an awful genetic curse. Is she a weird cult fanatic or something? I've never heard something so stupid."

Margo turned her head toward me, all I could see were her lips turning into a soft smile.

"I get where she's coming from though. Don't you? I'd have thought you of all people would appreciate the option of adopting."

My throat went thick. "Of course I do. I appreciate adoption, surrogacy, IVF, foster care whatever other options there are. Like I said, it's a personal preference. We shouldn't give people a hard time for choosing how to have a family."

She didn't say anything for a while. "Do you think about her a lot?"

"Margo."

"Do you?"

"Of course I do. I gave birth to a human being and then never saw her again. I have a child. A child, Margo. And I don't know a damn thing about her. Of course I think about her. Every single day."

"We could look for her."

I shook my head and felt restless. "Tie my bikini up."

"Na," she refused and I had the urge to hit her again. "I mean it, Addie. We could look for her."

"I can't. Legally, I can't and you know that. But the agency said she went to a good family and that's the main thing."

Margo returned to staring up at the sky and, with some careful maneuvering and keeping a bikini top in place, so did I. The clouds were pushed by the soft breeze, white pillows floating across the blue blanket above us. Watching such weightlessness made me seethe with envy. What I'd give to feel that light.

"I saw you after you let her go, Addie," Margo said, so quiet that I could hardly hear her against the crashing waves and my pounding heart. "You— you weren't okay. And that's an understatement. I don't want to put you through that again."

"It's different. It won't be my baby. I'm going into it knowing that I'll be giving the baby to you at the end. It's your DNA. It's not the same at all."

"You think people don't struggle handing the baby over, even if it isn't theirs? Even if they're prepared. It still takes a huge emotional toll on some women."

My hand sifted through the sand between us until I found hers. "I want to do this. For you. You deserve this after everything you've done for me. I want nothing more than to see you hold your own baby in your arms. It'll make me happy. Not upset."

I heard her quiet sniff. "I should have pushed harder to keep baby Bianchi."

"I think who I am now, could have handled watching you raise my baby," I said, thoughtful. "But not back then. I needed a clean break. I couldn't have had one foot in, one foot out. It would have been too hard. But I always felt awful for taking that chance from you. Especially after you found out that you can't have kids."

"Don't think like that," she said, squeezing my hand. "I understood why you didn't want me to adopt her."

We laid there for a while, hands intertwined while we let the last of the setting sun warm our skin. Evening was upon us and I could smell the beginnings of barbecues, hear the hum of the highway, taste the salt of the sea coming with the breeze.

I meant what I said to Margo. It wouldn't hurt this time because Margo deserved to have the one thing that she wanted more than anything else.

Giving up my baby had left this hole in my chest that never healed. Whenever I thought about her, it was like rubbing salt into the wound. It was a brand new kick in the stomach that winded me. I'd always feel like a part of me was missing.

The only relief was knowing that she was with a family who chose her. Who wanted to give her the love that she deserved. Love that I don't think I had when I was fifteen.

It didn't matter that I had it now. It was too late. And I would never replace her. I'd had my chance. I let it go and I wouldn't try and fill that space with another baby. Not ever.