CARMEN

Three days after ng outing namin sa Tagaytay, I got a text message from Michelle.

She wants us to meet ASAP.

I told Mama na pupunta lang ako sa SM.

     Nasa sala sila ni Aling Magda at nanonood ng Eat Bulaga ng bumaba ako galing sa kuwarto.

     "Katatapos lang natin mag-grocery di ba?" Dudang tanong niya.

     "Titingnan ko lang po ang latest iPhone model." I lied.

     Sa Starbucks kami nagkita during her lunch break.

     Maraming tao sa loob and the only available seat was the one she was saving for me.

     There was a tall cup of Caramel Macchiato sa harapan niya, the whipped cream melted, the coffee untouched.

     She was seated at the very back and when I came in, the sad look in her eyes was back again.

     Kinabahan ako.

     Paglapit ko, I didn't kiss her on the cheek and instead settled for hello.

     "Is everything okay?" I noticed the Band-Aid in her right thumb.

     Umiling siya.

     "What happened?"

I was referring to her thumb but was surprised by her answer.
     Sinabi niya ang biglaang pagdalaw ni Edward.

     Gusto daw nitong iurong ang petition for annulment dahil kinausap ito ng papa niya at pinayuhan na ayusin ang kanilang pamilya.

     "Ayaw pumayag ng biyenan ko na balewalain niya kaming mag-ina. Mali daw ang ginagawa niya."

     "What did he say?"

     "Gusto niya daw subukan ulit."
     Sumandal ako sa upuan.

     Her hand was on the table at gusto ko sana siyang hawakan but I held back.

     Huminga ako ng malalim.

     "I guess we're not meant to be." Sabi ko.

     She took a sharp inhale and looked away to hide her tears.

     Hinugot ko ang panyo sa bulsa ng pantalon at inabot sa kanya.

     Dahan-dahan niyang dinampi sa gilid ng mata niya bago binalik sa akin.

     "Keep it." Sabi ko.

     Pinasok niya ang panyo sa bulsa ng black blazer.

     "I'm sorry." Sabi niya pagharap sa akin.

     "Don't be. I'll be okay."
     Suminghot siya at tumulo ulit ang luha niya.

     Tumungo si Michelle para itago ang mukha niya dahil may mga customers na napapatingin sa amin.

     A part of me wishes we weren't in such a public place but in a way, maigi na din siguro na nandito kami.

     If it was just the two of us, there won't be anything or anyone to stop us.

     At least dito, we are restrained with our actions dahil there are eyes everywhere.

     "Are you going to be okay?" Tanong ko.

     Tumango siya.

     "Good. Take care of yourself, okay?"

     Tango lang ang ginawa niya.

     "I should go, Michelle." I glanced at the black apple watch I wore.

     "Your lunch is almost over."
     Tumango na naman siya.

     My legs felt heavy as I stood up and pushed the chair behind me.

     I turned around and without looking back left her in the coffee shop.

     Instead of going home, I drove all the way to Tagaytay.

When I saw M's Café, kumanan ako at pinarada ang sasakyan sa likod.

The lunch crowd was just leaving and the host brought me to a corner booth.

I ordered the house brew again and a slice of banana chocolate chip bread.

Gusto ko sana ng apple crumble pero baka hindi ko makain.

Dahil I was sitting close to the glass window, kita ko ang kalsada at ang mga sasakyan na dumadaan.

Mama was right.

Things are going to be complicated with Michelle.

"What the hell did I get myself into?" I muttered while fiddling with the edge of the paper napkin.

It won't be hard to forget her, right? I asked Helene in my head.

Besides, we've only known each other for a few months.

We weren't that invested in each other because we didn't have the chance to start something because it had to end before we can do anything.

In my reverie, I thought I saw Helene sitting in front of me and it gave me a jolt.

Am I dreaming?

Maybe I was.

But here she was sitting across from me, strawberry blonde hair pulled in a messy ponytail, ringlets falling soft on her shoulders.

"Do you like her?"  

Tumango ako.

"Does she like you?"

Tumango ako ulit.

"Then why don't you fight for her?"

"Why would I do that?"
Napatingin sa akin ang dalawang babae na nakaupo malapit sa stage.

Oo nga pala.

Ako lang mag-isa sa table.

Whatever vision I had of Helene was only in my head.

Sa kagustuhan ko na makausap ka, I made her come alive in my imagination.

It was so good to see her again though.

In my mind, she word her favorite off-shoulder blue knitted sweater and fleece pajamas with the kitty design.

We used to sit opposite each other on the couch with our feet touching.

She would be reading while I'll be on the laptop playing a video game.

Sometimes, she would be so engrossed in the story na hindi niya namamalayan na pinagmamasdan ko lang siya.

She looked so adorable with her cat's eye shaped glassed perched on top of her nose.

Kapag nahalata niya na nakatitig lang ako sa kanya, she would tell me to stop staring because she couldn't concentrate on the book.

Her vision reappeared.

"So, why won't you fight for her again?"  Helene rested her chin on her fist.

"She was about to have her marriage annulled but that didn't happen." I reasoned.

"That didn't stop you before." Helene countered.

I looked at her and there was mischief in her emerald eyes.

"It's different. You were one step closer to being divorced."

"My point is, even when you learned the truth about me, you waited."

"I didn't have to wait long for the process to be over."

Helene wasn't deterred.

The color of her eyes darkens when she's determined to win an argument and this was one of them.

"If she means that much to you, then you shouldn't give up so easily."

I took a long deep breath.

She knew that when I do that, I was about to unleash something that would change the course of our argument.

"But what if I'm waiting for nothing, Helene?"

She didn't answer.

Instead, the color of her eyes began to lighten till it was almost the shade of aquamarine.

I lived with her for more than seven years before she was taken away.

In all those times, she almost always gets the last word.

A smile crept from the corners of her mouth.

Looking at it was enough to lift my dark mood.

"How will you know if you don't get it a try? If you give up now, do you think you'll find out?"

"You're okay with me being an adulterer then?"

She slumped on the back of the wooden chair.

"You won't let me win this one won't you?"

I shook my head.

"There's more at stake this time. She has a son. That boy meant the world to her. I won't forgive myself if something happens to him because of me."

Helene sighed.

"What happened to the old Carmen who threw caution to the wind?" Her eyes were shining with mirth.

"I met you and everything changed."

I looked away when I saw the waiter coming towards me.

He held on to the tray with both hands and smiled at me.

"You're order, Ma'am." He smiled, showing his braces.

"Thank you." I watched as he placed the coffee to my right and the plate of banana chocolate loaf in front of me.

Before he left, he asked if I needed anything else.

"I'm good. Thanks." I repeated.

When I looked across from me, Helene was gone.