When I was four and a half, I fell down a flight of stairs. I could still vividly remember, at 22 years old, the way my heart seemed to sink to the pit of my stomach the second I realised I had slipped and there was no way I'd be able to hold onto something and not fall. I still remembered the feeling of the steps hitting my legs and arms and back as I curled up into a tiny ball to protect my head. I didn't know that hitting my head could be extremely dangerous at that time, but it was my natural instinct to just protect it. I remembered the feeling of finally reaching the bottom of the stairs and the sudden quiet around me as I lay on the ground, motionless. That was the earliest memory I had of my childhood.

What I remembered most, however, was not the pain on my arms and legs and the large bruises that formed throughout the hours and days to come. It was the unbearable pain that originated from my mouth. I could taste blood in it and I could tell something was wrong. There was a gap where one of my front teeth should have been. I cried when I realised my tooth was gone, I cried because I was in pain and I cried because no one had seen me fall and no one was there to help me before it happened. But I knew my mother had heard me falling because she was running down the stairs in a heartbeat, calling out my name in a strained voice that made me feel bad. I felt bad for falling and hurting myself, because that was hurting my mother.

She sat me up slowly, moving my arms and legs to make sure nothing was broken and she put up some fingers to make sure I didn't have a concussion. I was fine. Until she asked me a question and I was forced to open my mouth to answer her and my tooth fell out covered in blood. To me, that was the worst thing that could've happened, just seeing my tooth sitting there on my living room floor. I didn't think another tooth would grow in its place, I didn't know that would eventually happen to every singe one of my teeth. To me, that was the end. I would forever be the weird kid that missed a tooth, and no matter how many times my mother told me it would be fine, I couldn't bring myself to believe in what she said. I thought she only said that to get me to stop crying.

I didn't want to go out to play without my tooth; I didn't want people to look at me differently and laugh at me. I didn't want them to point at me and whisper to their friends that I was a freak, that I was missing a tooth. Especially because it was something that was out of my control. If I knew I was going to fall down that staircase, I couldn't have gone down it in the first place.

But Luke came over one day, asking me if I wanted to go out and play. I told him no, and when he asked me why, I made him promise he wouldn't stop being my friend and that he wouldn't tell anyone or laugh at me. I showed him my missing tooth and he smiled. He told me it was really cool and that he wished he didn't have a tooth either. He held my hand and told me I'd be the coolest kid in the playground and got me to go out and play. I wasn't the coolest kid in the playground: I was laughed at and pointed at. But Luke was there, by my side, acting like nothing was happening around us. He told me he liked my gap and that it made me different from everyone else. From that day on, I realised just how much I loved my gap, and how much I loved my friendship with Luke.

He was there for me when I suffered the consequences of something I couldn't control. He was there when I felt like I was different from everyone else, that no one understood what I was going through. He told me it was okay, that I was cool and that he wouldn't stop being my friend because of my gap. I wasn't going to stop being Luke's friend because of HIV. Maybe the two things aren't exactly similar, but the principle is pretty much the same. I would be there for him, I would stand by his side and ignore the negativity that came from around us. Because Luke loved my gap, and I loved Luke. Luke loved me despite my flaw, and I loved Luke despite anything.

"What do you want, again?" Ashton asked as we entered the quiet café.

"Just get me an iced tea, please." I said quietly as I trailed behind him, crossing my arms over my chest as Ash stood by the counter. I listened as Ashton asked for our drinks to go, wondering why we weren't sitting at the café and having our drinks there. But I didn't say anything, mostly because I was in no mood to question or argue with Ashton when he was the one paying.

"Come on." The curly haired man gave me a tight smile, gesturing with his head towards the door as he grabbed our paper cups.

"Where are we going?" I asked curiously as I trailed behind him, taking the cup he was extending out to me.

"To the beach." He shrugged slightly. "It's winter but the day's quite nice."

"Ash, I don't like the beach." I reminded him, scurrying behind my close friend as he crossed the road. I could already see the ocean, cringing slightly. "You know that."

"I do." He nodded without turning around to look at me as we began making our way down towards the sand. "But the beach is calming whether you like it or not and you seem stressed out of your mind."

I didn't want to lie to Ashton. He had been with me since Luke left, and although Ashton didn't really know much about it, he had helped me in ways I couldn't even begin to explain. He pulled me out of the darkness I was getting comfortable in, he helped me move on and get on with my life without Luke. He was exactly what I needed at the time and he didn't even know it. He still didn't know much about it other than the fact my best friend had basically abandoned me for his soulmate. Calum knew basically just as much as Ashton did, and that was how I was sure it would continue to be.

"Come on." Ashton groaned as he sat down on the sand, looking down at the spot next to him for me to sit. I sighed, but sat nonetheless, taking a sip of my iced tea as I looked ahead at the ocean. It was a calm day, the sun was shining heavily on us but the breeze helped keep us refreshed. Winters in Perth could get quite cold, but that Saturday afternoon was rather warm and I was happy for that. I didn't need any more grey skies and rainy nights to add to my melancholy. "Now, tell me what's wrong."

"Nothing's wrong." I shrugged with a small frown. Lying to Ashton felt absolutely disgusting, but I had done so for so long, I couldn't help myself.

"Mike, come on." He murmured, turning to look at me worriedly. "Your best friend since birth has just been diagnosed with HIV, you can't say that nothing's wrong. I know you well enough now to know when you're completely bullshitting me." He frowned slightly, looking down at my hands before he shook his head slightly. "I'm always here for you, man. You can trust me."

"I know I can." I shook my head lightly. "But I just... I've never done this before. I just don't open up to people."

"I think," Ashton hummed, looking out into the ocean and waves that crashed by the shore. "That you're holding so much stuff in that eventually you're going to break. I get that some people have a harder time voicing emotions, but everyone has to eventually. Or your thoughts are going to kill you. I don't care how long it takes for you to open up to me, I just hope that someday you do."

I bit down on my lower lip thoughtfully. The words were at the tip of my tongue, but I just couldn't seem to let them through. All I wanted was to be able to say it, to own up to it, to do something about it. "I don't have a soulmate."

"What?" Ashton breathed, turning to me in surprise. It felt weird saying those words out loud and to someone else. It felt weird finally accepting it.

"I..." I sighed, clicking my tongue as I shook my head. I hated having to do this. "I was born without a soulmate, Ash."

"Mike, you-"

"I don't have a tattoo." I cleared my throat, knowing that Ashton was going to tell me that I just hadn't found my soulmate yet but that I would soon. I just wanted the subject to end as quickly as it was brought up. "That's it, there's nothing I can do."

"You know what?" Ashton looked at me, giving me a slight nudge with his shoulder. "Who even needs a soulmate? This is not a curse on you, Michael. This is a blessing." Ashton paused, giving me a small encouraging smile as he nodded. "You were born whole, while all the rest of us were born halves on an eternal search for our other half. You're whole, you don't need anyone else. You're your own person and in all honesty, I can't think of anything better to be. You depend on no one and you can be happy by yourself. I mean, I love Calum to bits but if I got the chance to choose years ago if I wanted a soulmate or not, I would've chosen to be my own soulmate."

"I'll die alone." I said softly, taking another sip of my cold beverage.

"No, you won't." The curly haired man shook his head quickly. "You have your parents, Luke, Calum and me. You're not alone and you never will be. You're whole, Michael."

~~~

i really want to start a youtube channel but i'm not funny or talented or creative sigh. what now :c

this turned out quite differently from what i had in mind, but i like it

pls go check out my new stories "paris" and "for the first time"

and also if u haven't already, follow me on twitterrrr @troubleshemmo