Flat out on his bed in his hotel room that had been his home ever since Annie was admitted to the hospital, Jovon winced and buried his head deeper in the pillows. Alix's tap on the door became a bang.

"Damn it, Jovon," She called from the other side. "Open the fucking door. Don't make me get out my lock-picks."

Jovon ignored her. Maybe he would just stay in bed forever. Maybe he would never come out of his room. If he never saw another human being, then he would never hurt  anyone again. He'd never have to say anything, never have to choose. He could stay in his room, and send his works and signed contract off by e-mail, and just avoid any human contact whatsoever.

Or he could if he didn't have a female Harry Houdini as his sister. His door clicked open. He heard Alix's footsteps and then the bed sank under her weight.

"Feeling sorry for ourselves, are we?" she said to the back of his head.

"Fuck you," Jovon muttered into the pillow.

"I'm sorry," she said more softly. "That was uncalled for. It's just...I get so tired of watching you screw up your life, pretending one damned thing after another. Annie was so
good for you. How could you go and throw that away?"

"I didn't mean to," Jovon whispered. His throat hurt and his chest was tight. "I tried not to. But the thing with Lukas. That stirred me to make some bad decisions. Maybe if i hadn't proposed that ridiculous offer to her, she'd have never turned to that bastard for comfort. She was telling me about her dad, how he wasn't happy with her travel around the world instead of settling down and taking over his business, when that stupid proposal came to my mind.  So that's what I told her, and by the time I realized how much she meant to me, it was too late."

Alix was quiet for a moment. "But then why didn't you tell her all about it later? Set the story straight, when she called you? You could have given her the benefit of a doubt."

"I was going to. But I was scared that she would continue to use me if she really knew how I felt. So I was stuck."

"And what about telling her that that night, you were ready to propose to have a serious relationship with her? I mean, you begged us to help you plead with her."

"That doesn't matter. She doesn't give two fucks about how much I love her. She even threw her family out of the hospital ward." He sighed. "I always thought nothing mattered after Americus' death. . .But Annie matters. Except now she hates me. And she'll never trust me again."

"Can you blame her?"

"No, of course not." That was the point. Didn't Alix get it? He wasn't
trustworthy or loveable. He'd always known that. It had just been an illusion, a waiting game, where
he got to play the good fuck-buddy until Annie figured it out. "I always knew she would leave," Jovon said. "I couldn't make it worth her while to stay. I just didn't know it would hurt this much."

He'd thought he would cry when Annie told him she wanted nothing to do with him again. He'd imagined the whole scene over and
over, himself sobbing wildly, the tears running down his cheeks. But he wasn't crying.

What was the point? He lay still with his eyes closed, and carefully, blankly, thought of nothing at all. He had nothing to do. Nothing to say. He didn't have to cry. It wouldn't
change anything.

Softly, Alix's hand stroked his hair. The rasp of her palm across his head melded with the rhythm of his own breaths. Jovon listened for a while.

The rest of the room was silent. Too silent. Quietly, under his breath, Jovon began humming tunelessly. Something that went on and on, up and down, without ending. He kept the sound going, even when Alix finally got up and left the room. Because he had a feeling that if he stopped making noise, then somewhere, way down inside, he would hear someone screaming.

*                           *                             *

It was a good thing that the exercise the hospital signed her up for  was nice and physical, Annie reflected, as she made a right turn around the bend that led to the rows Pink Rose in the hospital garden. There were barely any rose as it was,but the little there was filled the air with a soft, enticing scent.

For three days, she had busied herself with reading, watching TV and taking walks in the garden in the evening. She's read until her pupils muscles screamed, and then returned all the books to the hospital library and soaked in the shower. If she got tired enough, he was able to catch a little sleep here and there.

Mary, one of the nurses assigned to her,had brought over a canister of some herbal brew she claimed would lift Annie's mood. Annie had thanked her nicely, and then found a place for the cat-piss smelling stuff in a pile of garbage outside the garden. Mary meant well. Annie knew it would just take time.

It was even familiar, the way the hole in her life felt like it kept getting bigger. She remembered that from the first time she'd met Jovon. How at first she'd thought, I can do this. It's not that bad. And
then for a long time, for what seemed like forever, it kept getting harder instead of easier.

What she didn't get was how someone who hurt her for a few weeks could make her feel almost as bad as the guy she'd loved for so long. It didn't seem fair. How could a girl dare to go out and date, if it was going to hurt this much each time it ended?

Johanna, another nurse assigned to her, gently shouldered Annie out of the way and as she helped and old woman walk over to the stone bench. She ran an arm across her sweaty forehead, and squinted at Annie "I think we're done here, Ms. Mckade. You shouldn't be stressing yourself so much. You look beat."

"I'm fine," Annie said. "In fact, I don't mind going around once again. Being cooped up in that room all day makes me cranky."

"Um. Okay, thanks." Johanna hesitated. "Are you feeling unwell ,Ms. Mckade? Because you haven't been looking too good lately."

Annie was startled. She thought she'd hid it better than that. "No, just not sleeping well. Personal stuff."

"Okay." Mary helped the woman back on her feet and nodded. "Just a few more walks and then go back in, we wouldn't want anything to happen to you or the baby now, would we?" It was a rhetoric question. "See you."

Annie turned back the way she came from. Dry leaves littered the paved way and crunch under her flip-flops as she went. Truth be told, she was more exhausted than she'd told Johanna earlier. The baby kept kicking and turning, and if she didn't know better, she'd have thought the baby was ready to come into the world.

After few moments of walking around in a distorted pattern, Annie decided to call it a day. She wouldn't be taking another walk until next week. The doctor had advised that she only went out once a week, so as not to stress herself enough to go into an early labour.

She took one last look at the garden, then she headed for the back door of the garden that led directly into the hospital corridor, as another nurse was pushing a wheel chair with a young boy who had no legs into the garden. Annie allowed a moment of smile, which the boy returned happily, before stepping out into the corridor.

Several nurses, doctors, and even some patients stopped to greet her occasionally. Despite her moody feeling, Annie had that little glimmer of happiness that she was able to smile back. She even let them touch her, something that hadn't happened in three months. She made a mental note to send flowers to her psychiatrist once she was out of the hospital. Maybe they could go out to dinner sometime.

She was entering the elevator when the new cell phone Arabella gave her rang. She pressed the button for her floor and checked the display.

Caller unknown.

Not Jovon. Maybe it was a Cassie calling up to see if she was still willing to talk to them after that meltdown she had the last time they came to visit. She flipped the phone open.

"Annie Mckade."

"Annie?" She recognized Susan's voice. "Can we talk?"

Annie sighed. She didn't want to do this. "I don't know what there is to talk about."

"There's Jovon." Susan's voice was a little tart. "Remember him? Tall guy, kind of cute, heart of gold, big problem with trusting and loving again?"

"I haven't forgotten," Annie said flatly. "I just don't think there's anything to say."

"I'd like to tell you about Jovon, help you understand where he's coming from."

"I just want to move on." And didn't that sound a little more plaintive than she'd intended.

"And maybe that's the right thing," Susan said. "But...you left it pretty harsh with Jovon. I thought...maybe you could talk to him, just once. I'm kind of worried."

Annie sighed again. She really didn't want to do this. Susan was a married. Happily. She'd probably talk her to death about feelings and closure and shit like that. And she definitely didn't want to talk to Jovon again. But . . .

"Worried how?"

Surely Jovon wouldn't. . .or maybe
he had a new stalker, now that Annie was out of the picture.

"Can I just talk to you?"Susan asked. "Somewhere private? I could meet you in the hospital."

"Damn. Okay. But I just came back from walking out and need a breather. You can come by in an hour or two. Then I can have a shower before you get here." She waited for the confirmation. A sudden thought occurred to her. "You're not going to bring Jovon, are you?"

She couldn't handle the idea of that man in her ward right now.

"God, no. Just you and me. Half an hour okay?"

"Fine."

Annie walked wearily out of the elevator. She'd have time for a shower. And then instead of bee, she'd have tea and couples-counseling. Actually, no, she decided. If she was going to sit through the counseling, she was damned was going to eat first.

Maybe two of them could share the crappy hospital tea.

It was close to forty-five minutes before Susan arrived. He held the door for her. Susan gave the place a quick look, as she made the way into the room. "This is nice," she said.

"Nicer than my place any other home you've been in?" She raised a brow at he.

Susan shrugged.

"Tea?"

"Sure, thanks."

She handed her the small disposable cup and leaned against the pillow. She didn't invite her to sit.

She wouldn't be staying long.

"So. Is this where you tell me about how much your brother misses me and is dying without me and how he didn't know that what he did was wrong?"

"No," Susan said coolly. "Not that. And Jovon knows right from wrong,
probably better than most people."

"So explain it to me."

Susan pulled out a chair and sat deliberately, looking up at her. "I'm not making excuses for Jovon but . . .you should know where all his shit is coming from."

"Like he's not just taking the easy way out of everything?"

She shook her head. "It has nothing to do with easy, even when he says it does."

She sipped her tea, thinking. "Did you know he dyed his hair blond before?"

"Yeah, I know." She lied.

"Mm. But did you know his wife started doing that for him when he was they got married?"

"She what? Why?"

"I need to tell you about Jovon. Stuff he might have told you eventually. Or stuff he might never have told you. Because it makes him who he is."

Annie turned to look away out the window. "Susan, I love the guy but we're not together anymore." That sentence echoed around in her brain for a moment. What had she said? She tried it differently. "I have no right to hear stuff he didn't tell me himself."

Susan shrugged, looking tired. "Maybe not. But I've got to try to do something to fix this. Because it's partly my fault."

"How can it be your fault?"

"Enabler, co-conspirator." She dropped her eyes. "I've taken care of Jovon since we were kids, and I've tried to be there for him. We've tried to be there for each other. And somehow it ended up in this mess, and I'm scared. I've never seen Jovon like this."

"Like what?"

"Like quiet, empty, like there's nothing there. Jovon is the type of person that expressed himself, except for when Americus died. I expected him to rage and cry and. . .but he hasn't. He goes to bed and he gets up and he does exercise and read. But he's not working, and he's not eating, and I don't think he's sleeping either."

"You don't think he would...do something stupid?" Annie bit back a rush of fear.

Surely that was over-dramatic, even for Jovon.

"I wouldn't have thought so," Susan said. "Jovon is a survivor. That's where all the shield shit comes from, I think, just trying to survive. But now...I don't think he would
commit suicide on purpose, but I'm not sure he would do anything to keep it from happening by accident. I'm one freaking inch from taking away his car keys."

"Shit." Annie adjusted in her seat.

It was pretty unfair. Jovon blew their relationship up, and now Annie was feeling like the bad guy. "Okay, so talk to me."

Susan nodded and sat quietly for a moment, as if planning her words. "
Despite what you saw when you visited, our parents were never there for us when we were kids. I was the one who mostly took care of us," she said. "He was hurt by not having our parents attention, although he had their love, but he hid it well. Then our grandmother hated our father for marrying my mother, which later extended to us the children. But Jovon took the burnt more. Nothing he ever did pleased grandmother."

"Shit." People who hurt kids made Annie sick. She thought of her nieces and nephews, with their
overflowing toy boxes and a fistful of cookies. "Go on."

"He dyed his hair when he was fifteen because grandmother told him to keep it blond. Because he looked more like his grandfather that way. More acceptable." Susan wet her throat with a sip of tea. "My parents didn't defend him when she verbally abused him, because they wanted her to accept him."

"I'm starting not to like your parents," Annie said mildly.

"Oh, yeah," Susan agreed. "I didn't like them too. I mean, how did they let their only son be verbally abused? I didn't know how to help me. When he finally left for college, I was happy. He changed and managed to be successful as he is today, just to spite grandmother. It was all fine until Americus came into the picture "

Annie sat forward abruptly. "If she was abusing him..."

"Not physically. At least, not that he ever told me."

"Fuck." She said it quietly.

"So the first time, It happened was when the family was holding some sort of reunion party in the family house. They had both excused themselves to talk and I happened to offer to go and get more drinks from the kitchen. I heard her yelling at him about something about the money she requested from him the day before. She even called him a waste of sperm because he couldn't stand up to his own grandmother."

"Fuck," Annie repeated. "That bitch! Why didn't he leave her if she was treating him that way? ."

"Yeah, I kept asking myself the same thing. Why didn't he leave her already? Why would he endure such insult from her?" Susan chuckled dryly. "Then I saw the way he looked at her when he thought no one was looking and I realized the truth. He loved her. Of course she was the very first woman he opened his heart to. She used him because she knew that little detail."

Annie would have said fuck again, but she'd about worn it out. She just nodded.

"Jovon is really sweet, and he craves approval and affection, I think because he got so little at home. Then the person he hoped to get it from used him. She'd been after his money all along. Can you imagine what he felt when he learned his life was a lie? That the daughter he thought was his was never his,but his cousins'?"

"But Chris is what, thirty-one now?" Annie protested. She could see where this was going and okay, yes, she was understanding Jovon better. But still, adults make choices.

Susan sighed. "Yeah, he is. I'm not saying he wasn't wrong for hurting you and not trusting you.  But for all half of his life, Jovon has only had approval and affection as long as he was perfect, or could fool people into thinking he was. When he failed, he was rejected. He decided to get jobs that involved helping people after college graduation, even though he'd had straight A's and aced the MCAT test. As soon as dad found out he wasn't going to
business school they started in on him, cold and constant, about how ungrateful he was. About what he was doing to his family name.  Until he finally gave in and reapplied. Actually, he'd always wanted to be a psychologist."

"I don't get it." Annie got up and paced. "Why did he still listen to them? Why couldn't he just move on?"

Susan shrugged. "He says he loves them. He really does. Jovon has a lot of love in him, and not many people to give it to. Or maybe he's still just a little boy who wants his
parents' approval. I don't know. I'm just a lawyer not a shrink. But family can make you do crazy things. I know the hoops I jump through to please my father.Haven't you done stuff you otherwise never would, because it was family?"

Like studying what her father requested of her rather than what she wanted to do?

"Yeah, I have."

"And Jovon has always been kind of shy, a loner. He has a few friends, but none of them know the real him. He's always hiding the behind that cool mask of his and fool people into believing that he was happy ."

"Except you."

Susan looked up at her and her eyes were a little bright. "Oh yeah, me. I was a big help. I didn't defend him as a big sister. I was thinking about how I wanted grandmother to like me, so I let him take all the burns meant for us." She smiled sadly. "He put his own fears aside and stood up for Alix and I each time grandmother came after us. He even took the blames of things we did."

"He loves you. You didn't make him do it."

"No. But I'm part of the problem more than I'm part of the solution right now."

Annie nodded. "Okay. I get your point. Jovon is more than just a jerk and scum. He's a complicated guy. But what do you want me to do about it?"

Susan stared at her. Had she expected this sad story would make her run out and forgive Jovon for everything? Because the guy had some excuses?

"I want you to at least talk to him. Don't be the latest person to completely reject him the moment he's not perfect."

Ouch. What was with everyone? She didn't need Jovon to be perfect. She just wanted to be able to trust the guy she was sleeping with. The guy she was handing her heart to. And that couldn't happen with Jovon.

"I'll call him," Annie said. "Or maybe write him a letter. I'm sorry he feels dumped but. . .I need to protect myself. I can't be with someone I don't trust."

Susan stood and set her empty cup on the cabinet. "Okay. I can't ask for more than that. But you might think about whether you believe Jovon would ever lie to deliberately hurt you. I've known him a long time. I don't trust him to tell me what he feels or if someone is hurting him , especially if it was something I might not approve of. But I trust him to always be there for me and to step up when he has to, when it counts. I trust him to keep his promises when he makes them. I'd trust him with my life."

As she watch Susan walked out of the room, all Annie could think of was if she was doing the right thing by letting him go.