Patrick

The moment I walk through my front door I think it finally hits me that she's gone. It's eerily quiet because nobody is home. Ella's grandparents had invited me over to their house after the burial and we had dinner, although I couldn't eat. Her whole family was there, and we all shared different stories about Ella. I especially liked her grandfather's story. He told us about the two of them going to an amusement park back when Ella was ten and he convinced her to go on a rollercoaster. I never knew she was afraid of heights, but apparently she was, and he said she threw up when they were at the top of the ride, spraying everyone behind them. She probably never told me because it was embarrassing but God, it was funny. I laughed for the first time in a week when I pictured how awful the rest of that ride must have been. I miss her so much. As I'm standing in the entryway of my house it's like I suddenly can't find room to breathe.

I'm not sure why everything is hitting me now. Maybe it's because there's nothing left to do to mourn her. The funeral and the burial service are over with, and now all I have left is to think of her and all of the memories we've shared.

Removing the tie that's fastened around my neck, I let out a sigh and take a seat at the island of the kitchen. There's nothing left of her. All I have left to remember her by is the stupid pot of chicken noodle soup that's in our fridge. My mom asked me this morning if I wanted her to get rid of it and I literally tore the pot out of her hands. Her little note to me that was written so neatly in cursive is still taped exactly where she put it, and for whatever reason it's almost like she was still here if the pot was.

I take the piece of paper out of my pocket with my eulogy written on it and twirl it around in my fingertips to try and somehow savor it. I should probably put this somewhere safe, along with the note on the pot, but whenever I go to take the piece of tape off I can't do it. Her fingers put the tape there, and if I remove it it'll be like making her death that much more final. I'm not ready.

Wait.

Our fight on the beach slams into my head all at once, and that's when I remember the journal. Oh my god, how could I have forgotten that? She threw it at me and told me to read it, but after our fight I had tossed it somewhere in my room because I was too upset to even look at it. God, where did I put it?

I quickly slide off of the barstool and rush upstairs into my room, running my fingertips through my hair to try and remember where I put it. My comforter gets torn off my bed, my music albums gets pushed around, my desk gets cluttered, but it's nowhere to be found. If I lost the one thing that had any memory left of Ella I will never forgive myself. I just don't remember what I did with it because that night was such a blur. The only thing I remember is coming home, and when I got into my room I was about to pick up the phone to call her but my phone was dead, so I got my charger from the nightstand.

I rip open the handle of the drawer to my nightstand and reveal her journal. It's worn down brown leather, some pages being bent with little cracks here and there, and the smell of it being purely of her. It's almost like all of the breath has been taken right out of me as I look at it, trying everything I can not to cry right now. This was the most important thing to her, and she wanted me to read the first entry. I still can't believe it.

Sitting down onto the mattress of my bed, I go to open it but I can't. I can't open it because I remember the look on her face when she threw it at me. She didn't really want me to read it. Maybe that morning she did, but certainly not that night. The only reason she threw it at me was because she had given up. I don't deserve to read this.

_________

It's nine at night when I knock on her grandparents door and her mother answers in plaid pajama pants and a worn down t-shirt. It looks like she's been crying, and when she sees me she quickly wips underneath her eyes to get rid of even more tears.

"Oh, Patrick." She says in confusion. "Did you leave something here?"

"Uh, no Ms. Carson, I didn't. I actually forgot that Ella had given this to me. I don't know if you knew that she wrote, or that she enjoyed it, but she told me on our first date about this first entry where the person she'd want to spend the rest of her life with would read it. She gave it to me the night..." I pause, letting out a deep sigh. "She just thought I was the one she'd spend the rest of her life with, but if I can be honest I don't think I'm worthy enough to read it. So, I thought you'd like to have it."

Placing the journal into her hands, she grasps it for a quick second before she looks at me again. I'm crying now because I don't want to give it away. I want to read all of it and examine every single flipping inch of that thing, but her mother deserves this journal more than I do.

"I'm sorry I came over so late." I say. "I just forgot about it and wasn't sure when you went home. It was a pleasure being able to finally meet you though, and I can't express how sorry I am. Have a nice night Ms. Carson."

I start to walk down the front porch steps to head home until she clears her throat, making my whole entire body freeze.

"Patrick." She whispers. "Come here, sweetie."

God, I need to stop crying but I can't. I've been trying to be strong, and I've been trying to not continue to cry, but as I turn around to face her I completely lose it, running into her arms and letting my sobs out into her mother's t-shirt. Nobody can stop the pain that I feel. I don't think I will ever get over her. I will always feel guilty, but as her mother hugs me it makes me feel slightly better. Not a lot, but a little.

"I-I'm so sorry." I sob. "I know what you're going through is ten times worse, but I miss your daughter so much. You don't know how much I loved her. Nobody does."

"Patrick, look at me."

There's no way I can because the moment I do it will remind me of Ella. Her eyes look exactly the same and I'll just lose it even more if I do. I just keep my gaze down at my shoes and wipe the tears away, hoping she will understand.

"I know you loved Ella, honey. This is something that is going to be so hard for unfortunately a very long time. There's only so much that I can say or do to make this any easier, but if you think of it this way, I think she's always going to be with us. I want you to look up at the sky right now for me."

That I can do, so I glance up into the night sky, which is full of bright and gleaming stars. There are tons of them, some crowded together and others spread apart. It's breathtaking in all honesty, and it reminded me of the night I took her virginity out on the beach. That night was so perfect.

"She's watching us every second, and she's especially watching you. You know, you seem to think that you treated Ella so terribly, but whenever I talked to her she had nothing but good things to say about you. Regardless of the mistake you made, there were so many good things you did for her. Just because one thing went wrong doesn't mean that you don't deserve to feel the loss of her. You understand that, right?"

I can't respond because I'm crying too much. All I can do is just nod my head and thank God for creating this woman. If it were any other mother they wouldn't want anything to do with me, but all she has been to me is kind.

"So, I want you to take this." She says, handing me the leather journal. "I want you to read it Patrick because she wanted you to. It doesn't matter about what happened that night. What matters is that she wanted you to, so you should honor that. She's not going to find the man that she'll spend the rest of her life with, but she thought it was going to be you. I want you to keep it."

Twirling the journal around in my hands, I feel relieved that I've gotten it back. What her mother said is right. I should read it. I should feel honored that Ella had chosen me. My mistakes don't matter, because when she woke up that morning it was me she wanted to give it to. The whole entire summer all I ever wanted was to read it and see what it said, so tonight I'll finally be able to do just that.

"You really don't understand how much it means. I'm so sorry for your loss Ms. Carson."

"And I'm sorry for yours too, Patrick."

She wraps me in a warm hug and holds me for what seems like a whole minute, pulling away finally so she can give me a small smile. This woman has so much strength. When I had come here tonight she was crying, but she somehow pulled herself together to comfort me. As I begin to walk away, I don't head down the street to go home. Instead, I decide to walk around the back of her house so that I can go onto the beach. The place where Ella and mine's fondest memories were. The first time we made out, the first time we had sex, our first date. Everything happened here. When my feet reach the spot she always loved, I sit down and look up into the sky once more.

In a way I think she can see me right now. Hopefully she's staring down at me and she's proud. Proud that I had finally stood up for her, and proud that I had finally stood up for myself.

"I'm not really sure if you can hear me, Ella, but I'd like to think you can. I, uh, I met your mom and she's such a wonderful person. You never really talked that much about her, but she's amazing. I haven't tried doing this whole talking to you thing because some might think it's insane, but I don't think you'd think that. I think you'd appreciate me talking to you, so I'm doing it anyways."

This is a lot harder than expected, but it's like she's sitting right next to me hearing every word. Almost as if she's staring directly at me and hanging onto every word that leaves my mouth. I'm suddenly so nervous.

"I just wanted to let you know that I miss you. The future is what's scaring me the most though, Ella, because I don't want to find someone else. When I thought about the future this summer it was always with you, and now that you're not here I don't want to think about meeting someone else. Nobody can compare to you and I mean that. You always thought you were so insignificant and so worthless, but you made such an impact on my life and I don't think you understand that in the least bit. Although it's going to kill me to read this, I'm going to do it because I want to do it for you. I will never understand why you chose me, but I'm honored, El. You are the greatest woman I've ever met, and you will always be remembered as my first true love. I am beyond honored that I was yours."

Letting out a breath I don't realize I've been holding in, I un-do the little brown strap that's wrapped around the cover to read the first entry.

January 15th, 2016.

Dear whoever you are,

First off, I want to say congratulations on being the first person to ever read this entry. You cannot possibly fathom how long I have waited for you, or how much hurt I have had to endure in order to find you. With that being said, this entry is to thank you for many of the things you do for me. Since you're reading this, that must mean you have surpassed all of the traits I have ever wanted in someone and more. So, with that being said, please enjoy the rest of this entry.

For starters I want to thank you for making me feel beautiful. I can hardly look at myself in the mirror, so being able to feel myself with you has got to be the best feeling in the entire world. We must have had sex since you're reading this, so I want to thank you for your continuous effort in order for me to open up to you in that way. I bet that day was magical. At least I hope it was. I really hope I didn't suck at it.

I want to thank you for making me smile on days that I don't want to. You must be funny in order for me to like you, so thank you for making me laugh even when I want to cry.

Thank you for believing in me when I didn't believe in myself. I can lose confidence in myself so quickly at times, so I appreciate you going to no end to make me feel like I'm the best person in the world, even though I'm not. Doubts fill my head often, so thank you for making all of those thoughts fade away into dreams instead.

I have been through so much hurt in order to find you. So, the most important thank you of all is to thank you for your patience. I know for a fact it probably wasn't easy for you to get me to go out with you, or even talk to you for that matter. I don't know how to trust men anymore, frankly. I've been stood up, led-on, lied to, you name it. It's happened. So, thank you from the bottom of my heart that you kept pursuing me. Thank you for being someone that I can trust to hold my heart and keep it safe. Thank you for not giving me one doubt on whether or not you love me. Thank you for being the one true thing I know in this lifetime.

Now that you have my heart, please keep it safe. Hold it dearly, treat it like a fragile package. I am trusting you with this after it's been broken many times. When you read this journal, you will read the hurt. You will read my hopes, my fears, and my dreams. You will read the most vulnerable parts of me. You will be the only one to know the real me. So, please understand that if you're reading this then I love you with my entire being. I must.

What I would like from you to take away from this entry is that even though I've been through so much hurt, I'd like to think of that as a good thing. Without all of those guys that hurt me, I would never be with you today. I firmly believe that with every single heartbreak a lesson was taught within me. With every single tear shed, a piece of my heart was kept on hold for you. I didn't give the rest of my heart away freely after them. I kept those pieces locked away, knowing that you would eventually find me and be the one to mend those pieces back together. With pain there is always a lesson taught, and all of my pain and lessons prepared me and brought me to you. The others came and went, and that's okay, because whoever you are that's reading this journal made the past and all future pain completely worth it.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that not all people are meant to stay; some are just solely meant to teach lessons. I thank God that all of those lessons prepared me for you.

Love Always,

Ella.

Author's Note

I hope this connected with you the way it did for me when I wrote it. All of these letters were taken from my personal diary. Obviously I changed names around, but this story is SO personal. I feel like that's why Ella is so relatable to a lot of people.

Please comment/leave a vote for me if you enjoyed the story. Share it with friends, share it on social media & help a girl get noticed by the right person!! lol

Again, THANK YOU for taking the time to read this all the way through. You guys are awesome!!

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