Empty. I feel so empty. There's no feeling left. Even the pain is gone. The shit of the years, which have gone by, without hope of improvement, have stolen every emotion you can imagine. The first feelings which have left, were the cheerful feelings. The feelings you like and which bring you joy. The next feelings which left, were the feelings of hope and enjoyment of life. And at the end left the rest of the feelings. I miss even the bad feelings. The grief and the pain. It's so hard to be numb all of the time. Nothing can let you feel anything. And then you start hurting yourself to feel something, that shows you that you're still alive. And you know it's wrong to hurt yourself, but you can't stop. You need the pain. And that's a dilemma, you cannot escape from. I'm sorry, for let you down.