Eracelli Package

Title
Although the title seems similar to many, we'll see how it applies to the story before condemning it. Last time, your title wasn't as important as it was made out to be. We'll see how this one does.

Cover
I fairly like the image, I suppose, though I remember adoring your cover for "The Talisman." The title with the letters "WITA" being the most visible text isn't really what I would recommend whatsoever, if I'm to be honest. "Oath," a different story of yours with a similar cover layout if I remember correctly, only mostly worked because the letters spelled out the title. However, this title does not and is only an abbreviation of what it stands for. Furthermore, there is too much text throughout the entire thing, which detracts focus from the title and the image of the cover.

Why have the actual title smaller than the abbreviation? Why have the abbreviation at all?

Here's my final verdict: get away from the "aesthetic" of your cover and choose something that will excite readers rather than entice them with an "aesthetic." It's aesthetic, but the title and the concept of your story has a lot more potential for a much better cover that would serve you well—especially in a fantasy "retelling" genre.

Blurb
It's flowery, very purple prose. It may be aesthetic, but it doesn't serve its purpose of informing me of what your story is and what I might expect to find inside.

Also, what's the point of having an extended summary inside if there's plenty of room outside?

Again, I think getting away from the aesthetics might help. Why not put the summary where it belongs?

*since your story comes in ten parts, I'll be doing the extra parts and then "Act 1" and each chapter separately, coming to five portions of review*

The Extra Parts
They're exactly that: extra.

Once again, I think you should get away from too many of your aesthetics. Like I said with the cover, the overwhelming amount of stuff really detracts from the focus that you should want, which is focus on the actual writing. Six whole parts is too much for me. I'm already tired of scrolling and scrolling...

In all seriousness, you should consider moving all the aesthetics to the back of your story rather than having them at the front if you really must have them. That way, readers can get to what they actually came for and readers who actually know your characters and plot can appreciate the story aesthetics and characters much better. Of course, you can keep the important things at the front, particularly the note about swearing. But the briefer you can get at the beginning before the story begins, the better.

I would, however, highly recommend deleting the extended summary. There's already a blurb on the outside of the story. If readers wanted to read the blurb, they could easily do so outside. Although some argue that extended summaries contain new and vital information to the plot, I don't believe yours does that either way. Consider deleting it at the very least. It doesn't add much to my interest, though it adds a bit to my frustration. Why do people always want so many extra parts at the beginning of their stories? In my opinion, it makes me more uninterested than not.

Here's another verdict: your readers have come to read the story. Please give them the story—and quickly. Cut down on your aesthetics or at least move them somewhere else. It's beautiful artwork, whether the graphics or the writing itself, but I think it just doesn't belong at the very beginning.

For those things, I'm taking a point off. Your total is negative one.

Okay. I'm very ready to dive into the actual writing.

Act 1–Chapter 1
Act 1—fine. Do your aesthetics. Let's get on to the writing!

Although your NBR Spotlight stuff has since passed, many of the comments have good feedback. Therefore, keeping all that extra stuff that isn't applicable anymore is off the hook. You got away this time! Now to the actual writing.

The narrative "you"—okay, here we go.

Using "you" in the narrative voice while not writing in second person is widely considered something not to really do. Although a few contemporary authors use it (typically when writing aesthetic romance etc. etc.), it's my humble opinion that using it is not a good thing. And it makes a lot of sense why it's not a good idea.

Firstly, you're not speaking directly to your reader, unlike I'm doing in this review. When you say something like, "...that the winds were so strong you could feel the gritty substance between your teeth...", it—in its simplest form—speaks directly to your reader. Instead of painting a generalized, broad picture of the sand using "one" or not even using pronouns at all, you referenced the reader. But you're not actually referencing the reader, in reality, if you think about it. This makes using the "you" almost a break in the fourth wall, which is definitely what you don't want especially considering the fact that you're writing in third person.

Secondly, it's distracting and catches readers off guard.

Instead of using "you," use a pronoun or noun that fits better, like "anyone" or "desert travelers" or whatever you want. Just don't use "you" outside of specific thoughts and dialogue. This is a consistent error of yours, so you'll have to look over your draft for all the instances.

Is there a reason some of your paragraphs have more than one space in between?

Like that...

Instead of this?

If the reason is aesthetics, I suggest ceasing the practice since it's distracting and caught me off guard. If it's a glitch, fixing it is definitely needed.

Furthermore, the paragraphs before the moving plot begins (which, in my opinion, is where the dialogue starts) are very flowery. The only thing they seem to add is purple prose, which is definitely something for you to be careful of. Purple prose is writing that is pretty looking or sounding but doesn't help further setting, characters, or plot. While you may be trying to establish setting, it's too specific about sand, salt, and sorrow to serve its purpose—and you were using those things to tell us something about Azade, but it was too vague for us to feel that with her since us readers have only just met her. You could have been trying to establish the rumor about Rahim before launching into dialogue about it, but it falls short to readers without emotional context and without any setting besides "sand." All in all, the poetic feel before the dialogue in Chapter 1 seems too pointless to keep. I think your love of aesthetics makes the purple prose make sense as it is beautiful (hence the "purple" in "purple prose"), but it's unnecessary if it's not useful and turns from poetic writing to purple prose. Find a use for it or take it out. Even if there was a use, though, it's a bit too...dramatic, for lack of a better word, for me. I think you could have a much stronger opening to segue into a strong rumor if there was intentional purpose in it that was executed immaculately.

For those things, I'm taking a point off. Your total is negative two.

Aside from the purple prose at the beginning, though, you've hooked me. You've established a conflict that's refreshing from the "same, old story." You've interested me aside from all purple prose, which is a good thing. For that, I'm adding one point. Your total is negative one.

Why is the first Arabic line
on this side?

You could have at least centered it. Also, concerning the Arabic, is the only place there's a translation the comment section and the author's note? I wonder if italics after some of the longer phrases would ease the readers' workload.

Chapter 2
See, the poetic taste in this chapter had more emotion and poise since now we readers know Azade's character and situation, though I think it could be even more simple for more emotion. Your prose served to characterize her further and aided to make readers empathize with her. That purpose needs to be present in all your poetic writing.

You break POV in this chapter when you say that Azade's eyes turned red from crying. Even though you're writing in third person limited, Azade would not be aware that her eyes turned red unless she saw her reflection. She can guess or feel and presume, but she can't say for certain—therefore, neither can the narrator since you're in third person limited.

The thing that I had the most trouble with in this chapter was "buying" Azzam's actions as he relented from checking to see if Azade was physically pure. I just didn't buy it as I read. Did he always provide the same mercy to each bride? Without context, I feel distanced from the characters and their motivations. 

Overall, though, I enjoyed Chapter 2 and I liked the precedent of Rahim and palace life that you've established. In my opinion, you did a better job on this aspect than last time. Kudos! I'm adding a point to your total. Your total is zero.

Chapter 3
Akilah and Ehsan are great characters, knowing the context of the palace bloodbaths and hoping for the best. Their later silence only enhances their characters. 

I particularly enjoyed the insight into Rahim's past from Azzam. It makes a lot of sense why he would tell brides about Rahim if they're going to die anyway.

For an overall good chapter, I'm adding a point to your total. Your total is one.

Chapter 4
Chapter 4 was deep purple in terms of the prose. It's hard to get through, in my opinion, because it's so "extra," for lack of a better word. It's heavy. Making your writing a bit more simpler with more intentional beauty with its literature is something for you to master. Rhetorical devices and literary devices are your best friend (so are literature classes!). Improving on this will make your readers connect with your story so much more than just sticking around because you have a few good lines that look good in a mood board. 

In terms of plot, it was so dramatic I had a hard time following, especially the part where Azade calls out the servant woman on condemning her even though she lost a daughter to the sultan, too. I felt distant from the characters and the situation without proper context of how Azade knew besides just the brief and vague mention of "rumors on the street." What if you'd added the rumor back in Chapter 1 where Azade actually talks about rumors on the streets? That would have given me a reference to point back to and would have made the scene more powerful.

For those things in this chapter, I'm taking a point away. Your total is zero.

Overall, ESJohnson got zero points! Girl, ignore that desire for aesthetics and visual beauty and focus on your characters, your world, and your emotion. What you want is your readers to follow you and love you because of your writing, not because of your artsy side and your presentation of your story. Get into the writing itself. Get into conveying emotion. Get into staying simple and discovering the beauty of beautiful writing that's actually really helpful to making your story a great product. You have a good foundation. You really do. I think you just need a push in the right direction, in the right focus...I hope that maybe this review can do that for you!