Title
Your title is a bit lengthy, but I'm sure you've noticed that already. Consider shortening it to something that doesn't give so much away from the storyline. Good titles give the readers something to think about, but not so much as to formulate your story and become uninterested with too much information. The worst thing you can do is turn a reader away because of something other than your actual writing! It's not quite fair for people to do that, but they do it. I know I do it.

Your title is...questionable. What I mean by that is that it gives the illusion that the story is like a diary. However, the ending switches to third-person. I'm not quite sure how to tweak it to make it fit with that and without giving too much of the ending away. Also, a journey is more about the way to the destination rather than the end. However, now that I've read it, it seems to me that the entire story was building up to them becoming gods, not about the journey itself. I'm not quite sure how you could tweak that, either.

Cover
I'm certain that you know exactly what I'm going to say about your cover, and it's that I need more! Your cover doesn't correlate with the title except that it's a close-up of the main character. It doesn't give the reader something to think about. It doesn't spark curiosity within them. That is the entire goal of your first impression outside of your story!

Blurb
Your blurb is nice, but there are some things that you could improve upon (besides the misuse of semicolons). The thing that is most prominent to me is that you don't really tell us what the plot is about. Yes, you do nicely with the monster part, but the paragraph with the journeying was unclear. What journey? What is the goal of the journey? Why would she journey? You don't say anything about Magic or becoming gods...although that might be too revealing, I suppose. Definitely don't go into too much of the specifics, but don't leave us begging for more! Summarize the entire general idea! Don't forget to make it exciting!

*since your story comes in 24 parts, I'll be reviewing four at a time, coming to six portions of review*

Chapters 1-4
I absolutely love Zane's character, but I question a lot of his decisions (the first scene with him made me laugh a lot!). The most obvious is why he decided to let Ana come with him. It's kind of funny because my story, Piper, has a scene really similar to it in the beginning. In both, though, there's a lack of reluctance. I also wondered why he wouldn't just offer to sleep on the forest floor with the bed situation. I see the necessity of the scene with them in bed (haha), but the transition to me is unrealistic. Again, there's a lack of reluctance and a search for other options. I question Ana's decisions, too. Why would she be so sure to want to go with Zane? And why would she tell him her full name even if she doesn't like it? Perhaps it's just her character, but I would expect her to be much more reserved considering how terrified she was of him in the first chapter. There are more examples of when something seemed just a tad unrealistic. It's never enough to really take away from the story, but it's enough to make me think. Sometimes it's a good thing, like when Ana hesitated when telling Zane that she was normal (which somehow didn't quite apply to the rest of the story because Ana at that time was unaware of Magic). I get that they're drawn to each other by the magic and natural tendencies of them over the centuries, but it should still be realistic.

Speaking of hesitations...your stutters disrupt the flow of the dialogue. A tip for you: people tend to repeat words rather than stutter them when they're nervous. They...they lose their train o...of thought when they're f-fearful. Of course there are still stutters, as you can tell, but they definitely don't occur as much as you portray them to. If you really want Ana to stutter that much, then explain that she has the tendency to do that so we aren't surprised by the disruption. Stutters and repeating words reveal a character's fear and nerves, but don't forget that dialogue tags can do the same thing. They can even make their voice shaky, or breathy, or cracking. Don't forget to describe! "Her breathing was hitched as nerves like vipers writhed in her chest." You get the picture. Use your words, not always your characters'.

Be careful of where you place your dialogue. Determine whether or not you should start a new line to keep it flowing. Don't disrupt your paragraph for dialogue. Usually, it occurs at the beginning or the end of a paragraph if it's in one. Placing it in the middle makes it look and sound choppy, but is sometimes allowed. Also, whenever you have one character speaking multiple paragraphs, you don't put a quotation mark at the end of any sentence or paragraph until the character stops speaking. You still put a quotation mark at the beginning of each paragraph, though. That way, it doesn't confuse the reader about who is speaking. It makes it clear that the same person is speaking (which wasn't too confusing with the context of your dialogue, but it's still a mistake).

Ana's relational development with Zane seems rushed and a bit unreasonable. Perhaps it has something to do with her past or both of their characters, but you seem to have skipped over the whole friendship stage. The stages of a relationship are acquaintance, friendship, intimate friendship, and life-long friendship. Of course, romance starts at intimate friendship and could be later, but you can see that there are still two more steps before intimate friendship. Make sure to include those steps and to make the transitions between them realistic and natural! For those accumulating mechanical issues, I'm going to take one point off, making your total negative one.

"Married we are." That part was delightful. So good. Ha! I love it. You earn back your point!

Make sure you know the difference between "suppose" and "supposed" (as in "supposed to"). This is a consistent error.

Chapters 5-8
This relationship is so confusing to me! Why won't Ana just let herself indulge just a tiny bit even though she loves him and isn't afraid of him unless she forces herself to be? It's frustrating! In all seriousness, though, the transition between friendship and love is almost non-existent (like I've said before). It makes the resulting love almost seem like an illusion because it's so dramatized. Make sure there's a long transition. Go through the steps of a relationship like I said: acquaintance, friendship, intimate (close or romantic) friendship, and finally life long friendship. You must hit those steps in between the beginning and the goal. Spend enough time on each, too.

Keep in mind the difference between "loose" and "lose."

It doesn't really make sense for Ana to repeat Zane's name and tell him to come back so many times. It's monotonous. If she really did, then just say that she repeated it instead of spelling it out word for word. That scene was fantastic other than that, though! I was so shocked! Fantastic work. +1!

Are you kidding me?! Zane dying was a game for Ana to prove her love?! What?! What a twist (although I don't quite understand why she isn't more angry about it even though she understands)!

Chapters 9-12
It feels like you skipped over Ana's recovery just to have her be able to speak English again, like you didn't want to wait. I totally get that, but you shouldn't alter the plot for convenience. Perhaps Zane could heal her in some way. Perhaps she never lost her English while with the man. You get the idea.

Also, I don't understand why that whole ordeal with the knight happened. Just to say that Ana loved and wanted Zane? What a terrible way to do it! Is there more of a reason? -1 for the above list and you're back at zero.

I loved Chapter 11. I love that you really hone the readers in on your world, with new beasts (do you mean "will-o'-the-wisps," by the way?), places, and people. However, I wish you would have introduced glimpses of this world much earlier! I advise you to paint your world. What makes it so much different? You tend to focus on people and emotional plot rather than setting and tangible plot. That's not necessarily a bad thing (it's a good problem to have), but you should try to have a balance that works, that weaves in between emotions, intimacy, and relationships and the big picture, world-building, and plot. It would make it so much more exciting! However, for the world-building, I'm giving you a point just because I loved the part here(for next time, though, consider introducing these elements much earlier and explaining to your readers just how the world works).

Chapters 13-16
Like I said, you need a tangible plot. What is the overall goal of this story?Why should I read it (i.e. "I want to find out if the kingdom will be saved and how these lowly characters will do it" for lack of a better example)? You get the idea. The less you give for your readers to look forward to or to be in suspense over, the more exciting a story is. Having random things happen is almost monotonous (which is kind of a paradox in itself, but it makes sense). Give us suspense! Keep us on our toes! I know that a journey is more about the journey rather than the ending place, but what goals are you accomplishing within the journey? What things will keep us readers reading? Take some time to think about those things. If you wrote this without planning the plot (no hard feelings because I seriously do the same thing), maybe tweak some things about the plot to be more logical and structured (you know—exposition, rising action, climax, falling action, and resolution).

Going along with that, I feel like the plot is being dragged through the mud—it feels like we're stalling. It's okay to skip time with a line breaker to avoid using a paragraph to explain the in-between-times (ha—that was a good pun). It's okay to skip time in between chapters. As long as the readers follow, you're good. As long as they're engrossed, you're even better. Remember: only write what is necessary for the story and for the literature. Write the scenes that are needed for development of plot and characters, and add the stuff to make it a stunning piece of literature (the writing itself, aside from plot and characters). Extra is risky. It can cause confusion, boredom, and disillusionment. However, too little can cause the same things. Balance is key, and that balance is found in determining what is necessary and what isn't. You could take out many parts that are extra, couldn't you? -1 point for those accumulating issues, but keep in mind that it only affected the reading a little bit. It's not terribly major.

Chapters 17-20
I think it's time to rant a little more about your style. There are two things that really stand out to me, the first being your use of passing time. I know I just wrote about it, but I wanted to point out that scenes make good writing. The scenes! They are the things other than characters that readers truly remember and experience while they read. The stories with the best-written scenes are often the bestsellers. Illustrate scenes. Don't bother with the passing of time. Don't bother with the time-between-times. Bother with the present of your story. Focus on the moment, and be in that moment. Write that moment with your heart—gush out emotion, not descriptions. Don't tell us that her eyes burned with tears; show us. I know that's a cliché thing to talk about in a review, but it's true for the most part. While we do need telling to get the readers to understand what's going on, it's the showing that strikes chords in the readers' hearts. You do a good job with the language of the showing, but for some reason, the emotion isn't resonating with me like you intended it to. I'm not quite feeling your story with you and our characters. Perhaps it's a character issue, which brings me to the next thing.

You tend to focus more on the dynamic between characters than the characters themselves. Individuals matter! They make us fall in love with them, and in turn we fall in love with their relationship, thus falling in love with tie story. What flaws do your characters have? Show that. What little quirks that make up their personality can you show us? Make us fall in love with your characters so that when scenes like fights and danger arise, the readers are full of suspense and are genuinely concerned about the characters. Make us laugh and cry...surprised and angry...all for make-believe characters. It is a hard job to do—believe me, I know—but it's also a job that I know for sure that you're capable of.

Going along with that, we see so much of Zane's long, long past, but we haven't gotten a good view of Ana's. I know that she was abused by her parents, but that's all. Our past defines us and shapes us. Don't forget that Ana is the main character! Zane is truly, truly important too as Ana tries to discover him fully, but the readers want more of Ana, too. She thinks about herself as her own person in some occasions, but she thinks more of herself as Zane's and more of her in relation to Zane. Do you understand that? It makes sense that she would think that way, but there are so few instances of the first choice that it's a bit unrealistic. People are selfish, and think like it, too. The fight between her and Zane, in retrospect, was a good addition of it (even though it was still about Zane not telling her, his beloved, about something) but we still need more.

Speaking of the fight and going with what I just wrote, why isn't Zane defensive or angry? Ana never tells him anything about her past and seems to hardly think about it. I get that it might be traumatic to think about, but what about triggers and feelings about it? Zane doesn't know hardly anything about her (even with the link, I think), but she knows so much about him because he tells her. It seems like an unfair exchange, and one that Zane would be quick to point out (that I'm pointing out). This applies with their entire journey in a relationship, as well. Ana doesn't tell him hardly anything about herself. For those accumulating things, -1 point and you're at zero again.

By the way, though, I absolutely love the idea of Zane hooking up the Internet to the volcano in order to introduce magic back into the world. Great twist, and something that was both humorous and surprising! Genius! +1 for that (even though you never explained how exactly that would introduce magic back in the world, though I love the idea).

Another thing to speak about briefly is your sentence variety. Don't just write sentences starting with nouns. Try something new! An idea could be to role a die and to have each number be a different part of speech. Then, you have to write a sentence starting with that part of speech. It's a good writing exercise to just practice with (I don't recommend it for writing full novels).

Chapters 21-24
Merlin?! YES! I support and I love this twist (even though I was disappointed that he was never mentioned again)!

Whoa. Magic. I love the idea of anthropomorphic magic, of making magic a person (well, Avatar). +1 for creativity.

Chapter 23 was amazing. In the scene at the lake, you absolutely executed what I told you to do earlier with emotions and all! Why didn't you write like this earlier?! It's so much more enthralling. +1 for this and you're at three!

What is Ether? I think this concept should have been explained. What does it do? Why is it in the volcano of all places? Is that the only place where it is?

THE GODDESS AND THE DEMON KING. YES. MASTER SHIRO. YES. YES! I love it! +2! 5 total!

Why didn't you tie in the fantastic ending with the journey before? The ending totally came out of nowhere. Tie it in so it makes some remote amount of sense. Surprise is much different than something out of the blue. I so wish that you would have built up to this ending (the rising action should connect to the climax, building up to it). Make sure the events in your story lead up to the climax. You mustn't make random things occur. Structure is key. If you can build it up effectively, then this story could be absolutely amazing. Because of the lack of these elements, it makes your story almost dull (except for the ending)! -1 for that, then. 4 is your total.

I loved the addition at the end with Shiro, but it's a strange transition from a story that was presumably from Ana's point of view (even the title of the story makes it seem like a diary of some sort). Consider making the epilogue a separate part. It's okay if it's shorter than your chapters. That way, it'll be more natural and it might fix the title issue I mentioned way earlier. You could say something to the effect of, "Shiro closed the book and looked at the students, his eyes gleaming with untold secrets." You get the idea.

Overall, PennieWagner got four points! In its entirety, this piece of writing has immense potential, probably more than anything I've reviewed before. This could be developed into something groundbreaking. If you developed your world, characters, and plot just a touch more with structural changes, it would be so much more exciting to read. However, I want to warn you that totally improving it would take a lot of time, planning, and effort. Blood, sweat, and tears, if you will. It makes me sad that the ending was just brilliant but had little to no tangible buildup or plot. It actually reminds me a lot of my story, Piper, in more ways than one. It's extremely interesting how you took so many elements of magic and lore, along with elements of our modernized world to combine them into something that truly worked. You are so creative in that way, but I think maybe your creativity wins over your organization sometimes. I have the same problem! Best of luck to you with this story and all your other ones! I may just have to read some of your other works. ;)