Memories full

Laughter rolled off the walls and I was slightly peeved, why is Alice letting the Motley crew back into the house yet again? I pushed all the bags onto the kitchen counter, a weeks' worth of shopping lugged in all at once. I'm not going back and forth a hundred and one times!

Somehow I managed to get into the house undetected so I kept quiet, I was intrigued to what they were all up to.

Busting I headed for the nearest bathroom, it was sat just beside the lounge room where the men were laughing about something or other, Alice directing the traffic as usual. The big mirror was smudged from water, damn Alice and his hand flicking after washing them, I'll make him clean up all the bathrooms this time. Grabbing a red  hand towel I opened the door an inch to see if I could hear the gist of the conversation and apparent comedy hour.

"Right so here it is, back of the house in the garage. Ready? Look who is the boss!... Now, there you go... bet you didn't see that coming"

"No way" Keith or Micky answered, I think..

"Yes way" Alice spoke, emphasizing the 'way' of his affirmative.

"But look at the clothes, sexy as hell too" Micky his voice was high happy, others 'yeah-ed' in the room.

"Watch it, bloody only fifteen or sixteen there" Alice replied warning in his voice. What the devil is he on about?

"Right what they say then. All downhill from there" Harry- god he is so caustic and terse.

"Yea Harry and you look like you did at 18, beer gut and scotch breathe" Keith retorted that time,  I'm one hundred percent sure it was Keith. He didnt say much, but when he did.....

They all laughed at his retort, I had giggled too but no one heard me.

"But sheilas aren't supposed to are they, supposed to age gracefully" The undeniable, charming Harry again. Sometimes I would just like to punch his lights out, like right now.

Here, listen to this. I wasn't the one she was" Alice replied excitedly. I'm still perplexed but continue to listen. If I walked out now it was all over red rover, mouths shutting like clams in the ocean.

I couldn't work out what in Sam Hell they were on about, I heard a flick of the film projector, brown film flicking, flak flak flak and, probably breaking, knowing Alice's track record from using the thing.

"Right there Alice? don't go breaking the movie before we see what we're watching mate" John heckled with  laughter, his voice low. God he has a sexy voice when that arrogant lilt isn't present.

  (Stop)

Oh yes, wait a minute Mister Postman(Wait)Wait Mister Postman

Please Mister Postman, look and see
(Oh yeah)
If there's a letter in your bag for me
(Please, Please Mister Postman)
Why's it takin' such a long time
(Oh yeah)
For me to hear from that boy of mine
There must be some word today
 From my boyfriend so far away 
Please Mister Postman, look and see If there's a letter, a letter for me
I've been standin' here waitin' Mister Postman
So patiently For just a card,
or just a letter
 Sayin' he's returnin' home to me  

My voice.

Me singing was what flowed off the film, then came my berating of them all back when the film was shot:

"Stop Stop Stop Alice, can't you hear? Ben is like five beats behind the rest of you. I've been at school all day, I thought you were practicing you load of drongos!! (Laughter both on screen and off, ensues) Come on let's go again, from the chorus. Alice pick up your guitar, Ben alright?  And a one, and a two, and a three, and a four-"

(Mister Postman)
Mister Postman, look and see
(Oh yeah)                                                
If there's a letter in your bag for me
(Please, Please Mister Postman)    Why's it takin' such a long time
(Oh yeah)
For me to hear from that boy of mine

Alice spoke over the film,  I was now caught up in listening to my younger self "She was the one. I was the guitarist, my career was an accident, swiping mascara from her, a joke was all it was but when I walked out and started playing, it was fate. All falling into place - like I'm here, step aside. I basically sidelined my own sister"

                                                                    So many days you passed me by                                                                         See the tears standin' in my eyes You didn't stop to make me feel better ...

By leavin' me a card or a letter---

I walked out and flicked the switch on the projector pausing it, my young face looming out of the screen.

Alice swung around immediately and his face fell. Guilt etched in his features, his mouth a tight line and he was worried, my own doing I guess, I always shut him down when he wanted to talk abut the old band.
I glanced down at the open photo album, pictures of our garage and little band sitting there telling a forgotten story.

Silence.

More silence.

"Mister Postmannnnn Look and See.. If there's a letter in your bag for me" Johns singing voice cut through the air and I gave him a faint smile.

"What's all this then" I crossed my arms and sat on the edge of Alice's armchair, he relaxed a little but not much.

"Reminiscing the old days, that's all" Micky spoke up, smiling broadly, everyone else was silent.

"Dear brother, we were just a little garage band trying to play weddings, parties, anything. I was never ever the main attraction you were the ring leader. Getting you to play that stuff" I flicked a hand at the screen my face beaming back, we had got the tune down pat, at that point. "You hated that"

"But, you have to start somewhere" John interjected into the conversation and Alice and I looked at him, he was right.

"Yea Beth, look at you, you loved that. Bossing us boys, in your element. You owned the stage"

"Hmmmm, Oh sure I enjoyed that stage... small venues, little crowds. You never stole a career off me though, I was happy backing you up, there is no way I could have been up front in big spotlights"

"You were, and are, beautiful Bethy. That's what I was trying to get across, mainly to Harry" Alice looked at the caustic man and continued, pulling me down on his lap "It just all vanished and I want to see the light for you again, that's all"

I nudged him gently and smiled a whimsical smile, recalling him first stealing my mascara and eyeliner "Remember when I caught you, my mascara was empty. I was about to go on a date, my first, no mascara and the eyeliner pencil disappeared too, gone vanished. I think you were actually conspiring against Ben taking me out" I laughed and kissed his cheek "He was turd anyhow"

Keith interjected into the conversation pulling me back to what I had wanted to lead the boys away from "And the miss plain Jane BJ- why?"

I caught Johns eye but he just nodded he was here but not going to stop the course of the stream. Alice poked me and I jumped, whacking him one, causing Micky to laugh at the circus that was, me and Alice.

"Oh you needn't worry bout that" I hedged.

"Spit it out, you're amongst friends. Just get it over with, can't be all that bad Bethy" Alice poked me again.

I gave Harry a glare over the top of Alice's head 'amongst friends' was a tall order where Harry was concerned. He smiled nicely at me for a change, I chewed my lip and my heartbeat sped up. Standing up, I walked over to the window, then back in front of the screen. Me in front of my younger self, I trailed a hand over my fifteen year old features and spoke.

"Ok, but no comments or hugs- nothing" I turned and looked directly at Alice, this was mainly for his benefit "Alice nothing!! I mean it. And when I walk out, you are not to follow" I never let him get a word in, I pressed onward to my final destination – tell all station.

"Toronto Music Festival. What a buzz that place was, am I right!?!!" The lads nodded and I smiled "it was all peace and love, everyone was carefree and happy." I smiled, it was a wonderful place at first "Jim Morrison was electrifying, his aura, those black leather pants he wore- wowsers! Alice and the bloody chicken, gee where did you get that poor bird from anyway? I nearly throttled you myself! And you Lennon... if you weren't there we might have played a half empty house. All those Harley's were so loud my insides were rumbling." I paused and the memories flooded back, most of the guys in this very room had played or attended.

"You were there. It was there?" John looked at me incredulously, I nodded and turned to the window. I didn't notice anyone looking between me and John.

"Little Richard my God. Long Tall Sally, thirty minutes of glorious mayhem, though I was quite a way away from main stage by then. I still heard his screams, his energy though"

I smiled the image in my mind- Little Richard was the one and only "He was the king on that stage... And you know John... when I heard your Cold Turkey lyrics I cried, I could feel the pain, it was tangible. Then I was crying for another reason entirely.."

"You were there one minute then I couldn't find you, I thought you were off with Nigel" Alice tossed what he recalled into the ring, though from my memory he was rotten drunk by that part of the show.

"I was back up for Gene Vincent on Be Bop a Lula, remember, then we were sort of tossed off the stage... I can't recall who was next but we were basically thrown in a heap out back. They were in such a hurry for the big stuff Jim Morrison and who else, oh Richard of course. I grabbed onto Larry Comb the light guy then he was gone- off to some tech issue, any hoot it was dark and all I seemed to do was wander aimlessly til I was spoken to by a Scottish guy, a roadie for maybe the band Chicago?" I took a breath and pulled the curtains open, gazing at the beach.

"He was charming at first til I said I had to get back" I looked up at the heavens wishing for them to open and just swallow me whole "He turned ugly, thought he was due payment for his time I guess. I kicked, screamed even. But Little Richard was louder. Fancy that.... " I laughed hollowly "...Me trying to out scream a screamer! I was on the ground, mud soaked clothes, crying in pain. The winner takes it all in those circumstances, don't they. The dignity, the innocence... I.. I guess most thinks that's just rock and roll"

I walked out of the room, straight down the hallway and into my bedroom and all I let them hear was a door softly close...

Slamming doors were for anger, this wasn't anger..it was the remains of my pain.

Hours felt like they passed and I willed myself to sit up and look out the window, the ocean sparkled and there were people everywhere riding bikes, skateboards, strolling or swimming even a few diehards surfing the small breaks. Life was still going on, the world turned. I pulled myself up off the bed and had a shower, hot water washing everything away. Dressing in a dress of all things, I strolled out of the bathroom to be met by a room full of men.

"Umm what if I came out naked? Huh?" I smiled shyly at the assembled group and spun around in the dress, it was red with black piping, a real sixties piece, my favourite from my twenty first birthday. I wasn't going to back down anymore from the memories of that night. I was somehow going to beat the ugliness now that it was out in the open.

"You look very nice Beth" Harry said his very first nice thing to me and I clapped happily.

I was freaking Alice and John out.

I looked at them both "What? See! All good I can be girly now, I have my troop of rascals to protect me" I hugged Micky who came to stand beside me and Keith scooped me up in a bear hug "Arghhhh, put me down Keithy" John shook his head, bewildered.

As I shoved the men from my room I left Alice and John sitting waiting for me on my bed. Alice, as per usual, flaked out over the whole thing.

"I love you Bethy" Alice stood up "But why did you never ever tell me that was why..... that was what happened. Geezus, I could have..."

"You could have done nothing, there was nothing to do. What did I have to go on, a shadowy face and a Scottish accent?" I hugged my brother and he overwhelmed me with tears running down his face "Alice stop crying for goodness sake. I'm alive, I didn't get any terrible disease. I didn't fall pregnant. Go and have a stiff drink darling brother" I walked Alice to the door and he held me a few minutes longer.

"I'm so sorry Beth. I wasn't there to protect you, I should have been" I pushed him towards the bar and shut my door.

"So" I twirled the pretty dress again for Johns benefit "What do you think? Too much for the bar?!" I sat on John's lap and he was looking at me like I had two heads "What!?"

"You're always lovely but I'm mad at you at the same time. It's very hard to be angry though"

"Why?" I kissed his cheek and stood to brushing my hair at the mirror, John joined me there and snuck an arm around my waist, hugging me tightly against his chest.

"It was in Toronto for Christ sake"

"I didn't know you then silly, you definitely didn't know me"

"I should have known you though. Protected you" John kissed my cheek, a little peck and went back to gazing at me in the mirror, chin on my shoulder.

"I'm ok, see big girl and all that. I'm a survivor and now...." I turned in his arms and snaked fingers up into his hair "Now I have protection. I'm safe. I trust you" We just stood for minutes and I couldn't stop myself from kissing those lips, they were much too close to mine to not want to touch them, saviour them.

"Hmmmm, but who will save me" John then kissed me back with more passion than I've ever felt. All the while holding me close.