It happens every single day. It happens out of a clear blue sky. & it happens because of one reason and one reason ONLY:

POWER.

Now, before you get all weirded-out & turned off by that word, just hang on a sec. I know, I know, ‘power’ is kind of an ugly-sounding concept to wrap your head around when it comes to love and relationships.

But the truth is, understanding – & WIELDING – the power you already have within you right now is your most VITAL jump-off point to truly achieving the kind of blissed-out, deeply-connected worshipful love most women spend a lifetime longing for (yet so few actually get to experience.)

POWER is THE KEY to getting the kind of love other women live a LIFETIME longing for.

You know … the kind of love where he doesn’t just say ‘I love you’, but actually shows it.

The kind of love where he does things like ….

Stays up ‘til 3 am rubbing your back & bringing you cold medicine when you have the flu, even though he’s got a 12-hour day tomorrow at the office & a presentation he hasn’t even prepared for yet.

Spontaneously announces your relationship to the world all on his own – updating his relationship status & posting photos of you all over his Facebook with captions like ‘Me & my amazing lady enjoying the sun – how did I ever enjoy weekends before she came along?” & ‘Hands off, guys, THIS one is MINE!!”

Where he takes the day off work to help you move house (even though, as we all know, moving house is what they do in hell.)

Where he overhears you say one time you wished you had more bookshelves in your apartment … & the next day you come home from work to find him squatting on your floor, wearing his adorable painters’ whites, building you bookshelves out of planks & nails with his own two hands.

Where he makes an extra trip back to the store just for you, even though he’s starving hungry & he only just came BACK from there because he forgot your favorite brand of wine & he wants to see you smile.

Where he constantly tells you how beautiful you are first thing in the morning – yup, without makeup, hair all greasy, gross soupy morning breath, & you’re wearing that big ugly egg-stained T-shirt you got from a team-building exercise at work that time.

Where he joyfully comes with you in ALL the parts of your life – not just the ‘fun’ stuff, but (this is key) for the ‘boring’ stuff too – stuff like picking out a new couch, or walking your dog, just because he loves your company THAT much.

Yeah. A REAL relationship. POWER, ladies.

POWER is THE KEY to attracting any man you want like a moth to a (sexy, sexy) flame.

Men are sensing, evaluating, & FEELING your power from the first moment of eye contact.

But…

‘Feeling’ it is not ALL they do.

They’re also USING it to EVALUATE you.

In fact, as far as male romantic psychology goes, I need you to know that men split the world of women into TWO categories:

Placeholders   OR…. Dreamgirls

I think we all know what a placeholder is: a ‘just for now’ girl. Someone to kill time with (& have sex with) until an actual Dreamgirl comes along.

So how do you tell the difference between the two? Well, let’s take a look.

“Placeholder” women tend to …

Have very few, if any, actual boundaries (lets people treat her any old way because she’s afraid of ‘letting people go’ or ‘losing people’)

Constantly stress about how HE feels about HER (tends to focus on how other people are perceiving her, rather than how SHE perceives PEOPLE.

Get super-tense & worried about ‘what happens next’ or ‘where this is going’ in relationships; can’t just relax, let him set the pace, & see what happens next

Be too afraid to say ‘no’ or ask for what she actually wants in a relationship (because she’s afraid that if she says no, he’ll move on & find somebody else less demanding)

Once she’s decided she likes a guy, it becomes more important that he likes her rather than that she’s happy with him (‘people-pleasing’)

Ditch her pre-existing plans when ‘HE’ calls (shows little respect for her own life outside of a man)

If he calls at the last minute, will often find herself saying things like, ‘Oh, hey Brad! …. Oh, what am I doing? Uhhhh … well, I was going to go to the movies with my girlfriends …’ (Note the instant use of the past tense at the drop of a hat; clearly she’s ultra-willing to ditch everyone if HE wants her around.

Placeholders tend to accidentally destroy a man’s sense of masculine pride in a relationship because they won’t let him ‘be a man’ and take control.

But MOST of all …

The PRIME defining characteristic of a ‘placeholder’ is that they’re more interested in getting the SIGNS of love from a man than they are in getting ACTUAL LOVE from him.

Placeholders want to hear “I love you”, even if they practically have to DRAG it out of his mouth.

Placeholders want constant reinforcement of his feelings – even if getting that reinforcement comes at the price of his actual attraction.

Placeholders want constant reinforcement of his feelings – wine & candy every month, deep emotional conversations every day, fifty romantic text messages while he’s at work – even if getting that reinforcement comes at the price of his actual attraction.

Placeholders don’t understand that men need to show their love THEIR OWN WAY & in THEIR OWN TIME.

Let’s put it this way: would you rather have a PHOTOGRAPH of a delicious meal?

Or would you rather FORGET the photo & actually sit down to a delicious, nutritious, SUSTAINING meal of actual food that you can see, smell, feel, taste, & touch?

Asking a man for reassurance gets you the photo.

Getting his unprompted reassurance gets you the MEAL. Which one would you rather have?

IMPORTANT NOTE: Just because you’ve got a kicking social life, a degree, a great job, financial independence, & good looks doesn’t mean you’re not a Placeholder.

In fact (weird but true), Placeholder women are often very popular with guys … AT FIRST.

It’s often relatively easy for these women to get dates, get male attention, have a lot of sex, & achieve a limited kind of popularity with dudes.

BUT, the DEPTH of this male attention is more like a puddle than an ocean: shallow, unsatisfying, & tends to dry up & evaporate the moment stronger sunshine comes out.

And here’s why:

It’s because Placeholder women live their lives tormented (& fueled) by cripplingly low self-esteem…

… which manifests itself in having almost ZERO boundaries (you know, those things you put in place to protect yourself & make sure people – including, MEN – treat you with respect.)

Placeholders are willing to settle for scraps from a man because they don’t know what they want from a relationship – & even more important, they don’t know what they DON’T want.

So, they say yes instead of no. They chase instead of retreat. They’re uncomfortable waiting for a man to come their way, so they do all the work themselves …

… & then wonder why every guy they like disappears after a date or three.

Placeholders can’t RELAX & let a man chase THEM, because they worry that if they don’t say ‘yes’ to whatever he wants, he’ll lose interest & move on.

This is a BIG, HUGE MISTAKE.

Guess what happens when you don’t know how to sit back & let a man come to YOU?

You become a ‘sure thing’ to men rather than a CHALLENGE.

If he feels like he can get you any old time he wants you, the attraction disappears because now there’s no challenge.

Placeholders don’t get what they want from men because they don’t KNOW what they want, so they settle for scraps.

& high-quality men of worth sense this type of woman can be ‘had’ with zero effort, so there is no fun, no excitement, no challenge, and therefore no ATTRACTION.

On the other hand, here are the defining characteristics of a ‘dreamgirl’:

“Dreamgirls” tend to …

Know what she wants & (even more important) what she doesn’t want from a guy. If he screws up, she might give him a second chance. What she WON’T do is give him a third chance. She acts like her attention is valuable, & this keeps him on his toes. (Challenge!!)

Have big juicy plans for her life (that aren’t just about partying, dating, & men.) Whether it’s building a career, having a family, going traveling, reading 100 books a year, whatever it is, she’s got Stuff to Do and she’s EXCITED about it. This means her time is valuable, so she won’t accept sub-par behavior from a man because she’s got crispier fish to fry.

Financially, she’s either solvent or taking active steps to BECOME solvent – not just standing around with her hand out.

Physically, Dreamgirls stand, move, & walk like Viking queens who moonlight as prima ballerinas: shoulders back, spine straight, eyes up. Dreamgirls take up space in a room & they glory in it.

Visually, she doesn’t ‘beg’ for male attention with boobs, belly & butt all on display at the same time. Think Julia Roberts in ‘Pretty Woman’, after she’s had the high-class makeover.

Conversationally, you will never hear a Dreamgirl start a conversation with, ‘So, what do you do for work?’ She has questions to ask & things to say – & if a man is boring her, mansplaining, or monologuing, she’ll politely end the conversation & move on.

Tends to have ‘shit tests’ that she uses on guys she’s just now meeting, in order to unapologetically QUALIFY whether a man is WORTH her time. (In case you don’t know, shit tests are provocative things women say teasingly to men to test their mettle in the moment – for example, ‘Yeah right, I bet you use that line on all the girls’, or ‘Seriously? THAT’S the best you’ve got?’, or, the gold-standard of all college-age girls, ‘Buy me a drink!’)

If a man is out of line, she’ll let him know (‘my time is valuable, next time you’re going to be late I’d appreciate a text so I can make other plans’) … but she won’t be rude or freak out like a child. & if he does the same thing again, she’ll leave him.

The defining characteristic of a Dreamgirl is this: she knows what she wants from a man, & (this is the key!) she actually ACTS ON IT.

This means that she’ll sometimes say ‘no’ to a man because he doesn’t meet the standards she’s set.

This is where her POWER shines through loud & clear: her time is precious, unworthy men are laughable to her, & she’s not afraid to move on if a guy doesn’t toe the line.

In other words …

She has personal power, & she isn’t afraid to USE it.

“Yeah, yeah, Mike … that’s all well & good, but what does that actually

MEEEEEAN?? What does ‘having & wielding personal power’ actually LOOK like?!”

Well, that’s a great question

& here’s the really great ANSWER:

It looks like building a life you’re engaged in.

It looks like treating your own time & attention as if they are VALUABLE.

 It looks like saying ‘no’ if a guy’s suggesting something that’s not a good fit for you.

& – here’s the kicker – MOST of all, it looks like taking a GIANT step back, & giving HIM the chance to chase YOU.

Dreamgirls let the guy do the vast majority of the pursuing

I’ll say that again cuz it’s super-duper important:

If you wanna be seen as a Dreamgirl by quality, worthy men, YOU CANNOT DO THE PURSUING.

I know, I know, sexist as hell, right? But that’s just how guys are wired. So if you wanna be a Dreamgirl, that means you’ve gotta give up your need to control the speed of events.

It means you need to act like the PRIZE, not one of the contestants.

In plain English, it means you cannot overpursue.

A guy cannot WANT you if he already HAS you.

The DESIRE is formed by the CHALLENGE.

The CHALLENGE is what forms the ATTRACTION.

So if you’re OVERPURSUING him, you’re KILLING the CHALLENGE … & thereby the ATTRACTION!!

This is not about being a robot

 Look, all this is not to say you can’t ever ask a guy out, be spontaneous, or ever ‘be yourself’ with a guy.

But there is a RIGHT WAY TO DO THINGS.

& in the beginning of getting to know a dude, you need to act like a woman of POWER, which means you need to be a CHALLENGE, which means you need to give the impression of a woman who doesn’t over pursue & who is perfectly comfortable letting the guy take the reins most of the time.

So how do you know if you’re overpursuing?

Here’s what “pursuing a guy too much” looks like in the real world

If you’ve texted him & haven’t heard back for a couple hours or a day or so, you’ll text again (often something like ‘are you okay?’ or ‘are you mad at me?’)

Reserving your Friday &/or Saturday nights (the highest-value social days of the week) for dates with him as a matter of course – often before he’s even asked

Sending 15 text messages for every 3 he sends you

Initiating a conversation about the future or ‘where this is going’ within the first hours or days after meeting

If you live in separate cities, you’ll travel to meet more than he travels to meet you

Dropping all your friends & pastimes & focusing on him

Never ever saying ‘sorry I can’t, I’ve got plans’ when he asks you to do something.

If you’re the one to initiate stuff anything even CLOSE to half (or more) of the time, YOU. ARE. OVERPURSUING. The ratio should ideally be something like 4:1 – which means for every FOUR invites he gives you, you give him ONE.

Telling him the sex was amazing before he’s even asked, ‘So, how was it for you?’ (C’mon. Give the guy a chance to feel all nervous and stuff.

Texting him ‘goodnight’ every single night like clockwork (& getting anxious & stressed when he gets bored of the routine & stops texting you back. See point #1.)

Buying him a birthday present before you’re exclusive.

Having sex with a man BEFORE he’s had the chance to prove that he is WORTHY of your time & energy. (Obviously, if you just want a one night stand or a FWB situation, this doesn’t apply. But if a Dreamgirl wants a relationship with a man, she’ll wait, & watch, & see how he ACTS towards her over time, before she’ll let him inside her body.)

Again: I’m not saying you can NEVER do any of these things.

After all, women are the nurturers for a REASON – that’s how WOMEN are wired. And it’s fun & feels good to nurture people we care about.

But if you want a guy to actually STRIVE to be with you like you’re Olympic gold (& you’d better), then for the love of all that’s holy, save all that fun, gooshy, relationshippy stuff for AFTER you’re exclusive with the man.

This isn’t ‘playing games’. This is being CLASSY.

I don’t want you to think of this as manipulative or ‘playing games’ with a guy.

I’m saying there’s a BALANCE to nurturing & taking care of a guy in the early days. Too much too soon & he WILL run out the door.

Remember: give a little, then back the hell off & see how he ACTS.

Then, once he PROVES to you through his ACTIONS (not just his words; any idiot can talk a good game, & players in particular are REEEEALLY good at verbally manipulating women) that he’s worthy of you, THEN (& only then) do you give a leeeetle bit more.

Rinse, & repeat.

The Best Example Of How NOT To Act With A Man

The following is the best example of how NOT to act with a man. It involves a four-word question.

& this question is TOXIC.

Ask a guy this question (before you’re officially exclusive, that is) & you’ve just stepped both feet on the greased chute to Placeholderdom.

If you ever want to show a guy that you’ve got NO power, that there is ZERO challenge with you, that YOU are the underdog here, that you DON’T understand male psychology & that you will be a BORING & CLINGY GIRLFRIEND whom a quality man should AVOID, then obviously feel free to ask away.

But otherwise, never ever ever EVER ask a guy this 4 word question … because it’ll make him pull right away from you (when you want nothing more in the world than for him to pull you closer, hold you tighter, nuzzle his jaw into your neck in JUUUST the right place, & never let you go.)

So, what is the damn 4 word question??

The question is…

“Will you call me?”

“Do you like me?”

“Do you love me?”

Okay, okay, I know, that’s three questions.

But from a male psychology point of view, they’re all actually the SAME question, because they all GIVE AWAY your power, prove that you’re NOT a challenge, & prove that you’re therefore NOT A KEEPER & are in fact just a PLACEHOLDER.

Can you see how, in just four little words, you can literally alter the ENTIRE balance of power with a guy?

I know it’s hard. I know it sucks. I know it’s sexist & lame & all of that. But here’s the cold hard truth:

The kind of man YOU want to be with is seeking a woman of QUALITY.

 High-quality women who CHALLENGE us are what brings out the best in us guys. We want to rise to your occasion. We want to feel like you’re a prized commodity & that WE are the ones who won you.

We want to feel like YOU are the prize of a lifetime, & we cannot feel that way if you just FALL into our hands like an overripe apple.

That’s why I keep making such a big deal of the fact that being a Dreamgirl has NOTHING to do with game-playing – because the truth is, we desperately yearn, struggle for, & SEEK OUT women who force us to up our game this way.

Pursuing a high-quality woman makes us come alive inside. It makes us electric. It makes us HAPPY. We want to know that you have standards & boundaries. We like knowing that if we act like a dick, you’ll move on!

Battling to earn you, to win you, to PROVE to you that we deserve you, is what we live for.