chapter eighteen,    lay it all on the table

THEY WERE GETTING CLOSE to Ketterdam and Jesper was dying from the need to discuss what he has heard with Lavender, yet, for some reason - he couldn't.

Jesper Fahey overheard what Kaz and Lavender spoke about when he was getting the ointment and he was stuck with lightning itself, once he realised that Nina was right - they did know each other. And Jesper being Jesper, would talk about this to anyone immediately, but he just couldn't. Because it wasn't something exciting he witnessed. He saw his sister's heart get shattered.

For this reason, Jesper felt raging. He didn't understand how anything couldn't matter when it came to Lavender. He wanted to be mad at Kaz and at Lavender for not knowing this, but he just couldn't because he didn't know what happened. Maybe their past didn't matter and that was enough to keep his mouth shut. At least for now.

He wanted to be a good brother and confront Lavender about that— she cried a few nights and he knew that it wasn't because of the pain. He wanted to calm her down and that everything will be different when they will reach Ketterdam. Saints, they will be rich. But he understood almost immediately that her cries weren't for a broken friendship, it was for her bleeding heart. She loved him.

Lavender deserved better than this. If Kaz knew her, did he really not care about her enough to not let her proceed with this?

Now, he was sitting on the below deck with Lavender, who was strong enough to do things by herself, slowly, of course. The cold was getting better and most of the injuries were slightly tailored by Nina, but Lavender didn't let anyone get a good look at her wounded eye.

There she was, sitting on a chair, a mirror standing on the table in front of her as she was taking deep breaths. Slightly unwrapping the bandage around her head, her lips trembled more and more— she didn't want to look at herself in the mirror. She didn't want to look hideous.

Stopping halfway, she released a shaky breath, turning her head to her brother, who was sitting there with a very concerned face, but he managed to offer her a smile.

"If you don't want to do it— it's okay," he reassured her.

Turning her head to the mirror, she unwrapped some more, "It's already bad that I didn't let anyone check it these days - it can get infected."

Soon enough, the bandage fell on her lap and she covered her mouth so she wouldn't let a sound. The eyebrow and the under-eye were oozing with yellow pus. Her eye was barely open even if it felt as if it was wide open. The eyelid was swollen, painted in the deep shake of purple; slightly enlarged. The white of her eye, which was visible was glassy, almost fake.

She looked hideous.

Feeling the tears that welled in the corners of her eyes made her feel angry. She was never the type of person to feel self-conscious about her looks. She resembled Lily and her mother was one of the most beautiful women she has ever seen in her life. However, that thing looking at her in the mirror resembled the terror she has seen in her mother's dead face, restrained in horror.

Her palms were curled in tight fists. There was pure anger towards Fjerdans for making her look like this and she didn't know what to do anymore. Pushing her head down in defeat, she gripped the edge of the table and let out a sob that was the moment Jesper pulled his sister into a hug, trying his best not to hurt her.

It hurt like hell seeing his sister like this - completely broken. The guilt was swallowing him whole, making him regret his choices, loathing the fact that he was so impulsive, so lightheaded, so idiotic. If he wouldn't let her come here, if he would've actually gone to study - none of this would've happened.

Lavender was quick to pull away, slightly shaking her head, "It's fine... It's fine, Jes."

He knew she was lying, but he didn't say anything. He was only left to observe the way she was pushing the pus out of the eye, feeling a little bit sick in the stomach. But he forced himself to watch. It was his fault and he couldn't just turn away like a coward. He had to see it all.

     It took some time to clean up the pus as it seem that it kept on going and going. But in the meantime, she managed to clean the wound on her eyebrow and under the eye. She placed some mashed herbs on them, pressing them into the skin as she was hissing in pain, her legs slightly trembling. Taking a fresh roll of bandage, she cut a square, dipping it into some ointment and she pushed her head back, putting it on the eye as she started to bandage it up.

     Jesper was as always surprised by the professionalism she maintained. Clearly, her whole body was reacting to the wound, but she stayed in her role - she knew what to do and she did her best.

     After she pushed her head forwards, she put the mirror down and closed her eye for a few minutes. Clasping her hands together, she tried to praise herself for doing a good job, but instead of focusing on that, she was ruined forever. Clearly, she won't be able to see much with that eye once/if it will get better.

     "I know you heard the conversation of mine," Lavender started and Jesper almost fell off his chair.

     "It's seriously not my business, Vi. It's alright."

     "I knew him once I lived with my mom. Before she died and I had to run away," she simply explained, not going into the heavy details about Kaz. Even if he did break her heart, she didn't want to share his backstory that didn't exist in the streets of Ketterdam.

     "You care about him, don't you?" Jesper silently asked.

     Pushing her lips together, she tried not to reveal too much of her pain. "I do." She admitted because there was no gain in lying to Jesper.

     Jesper didn't know what there was to care about Kaz Brekker, but he was stuck with him as well. There was something about that seventeen-year-old man with a temperament worse than an old lady's, but he could understand that there was something he didn't know about the man who didn't have a past.

     Lavender was his past. She was the one who knew everything about him that others didn't. His weak spot. People in Ketterdam, other gangs, and the council even, would pay tons of money to get any secrets about Brekker.

     "I wish I didn't," she admitted and turned her head to her brother. "I wish I didn't."

     Her voice broke at the end and it shattered him as well. Wrapping his arm around her shoulders, he pushed her to his chest, rubbing small circles on her back, soothingly. He didn't know what to say or if there is anything to say.

     "We'll get to Ketterdam, get our money and we will get back to Novyi-Zem," he started, pulling away a little bit so he could face her. "Alright?"

     "Ketterdam became your escape," she pointed out. "You dread the boring life of the farm."

     Jesper chuckled, "You're not wrong. But after this Heist— I am still not sure how we are all alive, but taking a couple of months to relax doesn't sound so bad."

     The thought of coming back to the farm with Jesper seemed like a vivid dream— so far away. As if they were just teenagers, running through the forests, playing games and not giving a care in the world— having fun. She didn't know if that could be possible if that was something they will never have, but going back to their father seemed like the most peaceful opportunity. Maybe even Aleksej will join them.

"You think you would be able to leave your friends?" Lavender asked.

"I mean," he shrugged, "all of us are probably going to splatter around after getting the money. But we'll all come back to one place."

It made her wonder if she would be able to leave Ketterdam after knowing that Kaz was alive. But what other choice did she have? Also, she knew she couldn't leave until she found her mother's killer. With that kind of money, she could definitely bribe a lot of people to find that man and then she could leave Ketterdam. Perhaps it would be easier— the revenge being done and knowing that Kaz is alive... Perhaps she could go back to the farm with a calm heart.

     "I need to find who killed my mother, Jes. He's in Ketterdam," Lavender admitted.

     Jesper nodded, "I'll help you find him."

     Curving her lips into a soft smile, she took her brother's hands and squeezed them softly, "You are the best."

     "I know," he grinned and her face dropped.

     "Do you see now why I never compliment you?"

     Jesper puckered his lips, "Oops?"

     Pushing her hand on his face, she pushed him away while smiling. At that moment, they heard a distant knock and soon, the curly-haired guy appeared in the little room. He seemed to be frowning and it worried her a little bit.

     "What happened?" Lavender asked.

     "I just played some cards with Brekker - he is terrifyingly good at it," Aleksej shrugged.

"You walked in with a face as if he hit you with his cane," Jesper deadpanned, standing up. "I wanna play cards too."

Scoffing, Lavender grabbed the flashy fabric of Jesper's jacket and pushed him down on the chair, "As if... You should work on your addiction."

Whining, he mumbled a few incoherent insults and disagreeing words, but he stayed put as Lavender stood up. She took a little vial from the table and made her way up, feeling the warm breeze surrounding her.

Her lungs were dealing with this much better than a few days ago. The sea weather wasn't perfect, but at least they weren't aching with each breath she took. She walked further through the deck, walking to the table where Kaz was sitting and reading and Inej was boiling some tea in the distance.

Lavender took all of her courage and she breathed out before sitting down - she is fine. Their previous conversation didn't affect her— he should never know. She can act as if she is fine. That's why, she put the little vial on the table in front of him, speaking up: "I made some ointment. I made it a bit more numbing, considering that your leg should be hurting more after the Ice Court."

Raising his eyes from the book to look at the vial, he was moved by her generosity. In fact, he has finished the previous ointment she has given him because his leg was on the edge of breaking— it was slightly swollen and angrily red around the knee, so this act of hers was appreciated.

Nodding as a thank you, he pushed the book to the lap, taking the vial between his gloved fingers, "How's your eye?"

Hideous.

Shrugging, she turned her eye away from him since she couldn't look at him for too long without her heart freaking out. "No infection. I don't know if I will be able to see with it, but that's better than nothing."

"I shouldn't have let you come."

      Their eyes met. It was a moment where it seemed that time has stopped. Nothing else mattered. There was so much to say, so much to ask and beg for, but they knew that their feelings were kept to the side. Their hearts were hammering with the need for one another, not knowing how will they have to live without each other.

     It was forbidden. And yet both of them had different reasons for why it was forbidden. For one, it was to protect the other. For the other, it was the denial. But their bodies, their souls, they lived for one another. There was too much history between the two, too many sleepless nights, too many memories.

     They needed each other and it seemed like each force of the world was against them.

     "I shouldn't have let you leave that day."

      Kaz knew what she meant by those words and he has thought a lot about that day when Jordie and Kaz went to the Bank. The firepox would've plagued the city and both of them would be save with Lavender and Lily. Jordie would still be alive. Everything would've been different.

     The urge to say that he missed her more than anything was making his throat burn. He lost Jordie and he missed him so much. He lost Lavender. But she was sitting right in front of him and he would be a total idiot to see her leave again once they reach Ketterdam. He didn't want her to leave.

      But if anyone would find out about her in Ketterdam, that she is from his past, she'd be dead in mere minutes. He couldn't lose her again and if her departure meant her safety - so be it. He is already used to living with his dreams about her.

     "Jesper wants to leave Ketterdam for a few months. I think it'd be good for him," Lavender admitted. "However, I want to find my ma's killer and you told me you'll help me."

     "I will."

     Nodding, she looked away, clenching the fabric of her shirt with her fingertips. She wanted to be asked to stay. She would stay in a blink. No questions asked.

     Kaz, please ask me to stay.

     "We are getting close to the harbour. You know the plan," he said, standing up. He lingered beside the table as if he was hesitating to say something and then walked away.

      He didn't ask her to stay.

𓄿

IT WAS EERIE in the harbour as the others got out of the ship. Seeing land again was calming, especially since it wasn't Djerholm, but the stench of Ketterdam was lung-piercing. Saying abrupt goodbyes, and continuing with the plan, they got out in the water again, sailing away.

Lavender felt a little bit dizzy from the stench. She made her way below deck, knocking on the door where Nina has been for the past few days, barely making her way out. Everyone could hear her whines in the night and no one could do anything. She was addicted to jurda parem and she wanted more.

"Nina, dear? Can I come in?" Lavender asked.

Hearing two distant voices, she finally got an answer that was affirmative and she opened the creaky door, and walking inside the small cabin. It was fairly lit and Nina seemed way better than the last time she saw her – her cheeks were rosy again, instead of pale and her eyes seemed more alive. Turning her head to the side, she looked at the sitting figure that had the straightest posture ever. Walking closer, she realised that in the chair was sitting Kuwei.

"Hold on. Where is Wylan? And why are you not with the others?" Lavender asked, furrowing her eyebrows and instantly regretting her action from the sharp pain.

Nina looked guilty.

Kuwei didn't make eye contact.

Pressing her lips together, Lavender forced herself to take a deep breath. Closing her eyes, she bit the insides of her cheeks, putting her hands on her waist. "The plan, I was told about, wasn't the plan?"

Nina grasped the ends of her dress with her fingers, gently tugging on it, shaking her head.

A scoff left her lips, throwing her arms up and down like a reflex. It seemed that not only her past didn't matter, but she also didn't matter to Kaz as well to keep her informed of what is going on. It made her wonder, was there anything she has done to not earn his trust? Why would he tell everyone about it except for her? Did he really want her gone?

"It's about time for you to start explaining what's going on," Lavender mumbled, trying to calm herself down.

"Sit down," Nina patted the space beside her and the red-haired woman sat down. "I tailored Wylan to look like Kuwei."

"You what?!" Her eyebrows shot up again and she hissed from pain, feeling the way Nina placed her hand on her forearm to soothe her.

"Kaz doesn't trust Van Eck. He thought that he could use Wylan as a disguise. That's why we are going to a hideout, to get Kuwei as far as possible from the council."

The plan made sense. It was smart for Kaz not to trust a word that came out of Van Eck, especially when his own son was basically thrown out of home and joined the Dregs. Of course, Kaz was known for his intelligence and she should've expected something like this to occur – he always likes to be insured that something will work and they were talking about millions of kruge.

But why did no one tell her?

"Why didn't you tell me before? Why was I in the dark?"

Nina gave her a gloomy smile, "It wasn't you that was left in the dark. It's Jesper."

"But Jesper is out there!"

"And he thinks Wylan is here. He doesn't know the real plan."

Lavender was dumbfounded. "Why didn't Kaz inform Jesper?"

The Heartrender hesitated for a second, "The attack that occurred before we got into the Ferolind, before we were leaving for Djerholm – it was because of Jesper."

Her heart dropped on the floor, making her stand up a little bit too fast, feeling her head sway. Pushing her arm out, she supported her weight on the wall, "That's not true."

Nina stood up, nudging her head for Kuwei to leave and he quickly did so, leaving the two women alone. "Jesper would never betray us or Kaz, for that matter. However, he must've said something while gambling – you know he has a problem."

Fuck, Jesper! Closing her eyes, she shook her head. Yes, Jesper had a gambling problem as it appears – he spent all of the money their father sent to him on gambling and not education. Yes, he tended to overshare, but he wasn't a traitor. He surely wouldn't do something that could hurt his friends.

"Is that why I wasn't aware of this? Because I would've told everything to Jesper?"

By the sad smile on Nina's face, she understood that this was the case. "We all wanted to tell you. But Kaz—."

But Kaz didn't.

Tears formed in the corner of her eyes. It stung her wounded eye as she couldn't allow herself to cry or else it will get infected—she didn't know anymore what was going on with the wounded eye. But the pain that was placed upon her chest, made her feel like a complete fool. Even if she kept reminding herself that maybe he forgot her, maybe when he will remember her, it will be a happy memory to share.

It didn't matter. It didn't matter to him and even if she tried to force herself to feel the same, the feelings for him, the hopeless love—Saints... It was love.

"Where are we going, then?" Lavender managed to ask, but somehow the shake in her voice was not as audible.

"Kaz said he has a safe space in case something goes wrong," Nina answered.

"In case something goes wrong?" Lavender scoffed, feeling as if she was hit repeatedly. She quickly tapped her thighs and moved out of the little room, hearing the protests of Nina, but she climbed up the stairs and moved to the sailing corner, meeting a very puzzled Specht.

"Turn this schooner around."

"Kaz's orders to get out of there. If he won't communicate within two hours, I'll come back to get them."

Even Specht knew. How embarrassing for her.

"Where are you sailing?"

He seemed to not want to tell her, but he knew he had no choice. "Black Veil Island. It's abandoned after the plague."

Lavender didn't want to rage out on this man – he was only doing what he was told to. But it was embarrassing for her and it angered her – being left out in the dark, not trusted enough. She didn't rat them out to Fjerdans when they laid their knives on her body, scarring it, tormenting it, making it hideous. But at the same time, she felt like a little girl, who is so keen to be loved by everyone, and to know what was going on and it made her feel foolish.

If Kaz didn't trust Van Eck, it only meant that he was waiting for a disaster to rise and that her plans to find her mother's killer will get pushed away. Saints, she didn't know if she will manage to stay beside Kaz any longer.

author's note:

next chapter begins with the CK! Now since the cards on the table, what do you think will happen next with Lavender and Kaz?
Also thank you so much for 23K reads!!

m.n