Dad's still off talking to Merle, I think. I'm still hiding away pouting about it. It's hard for me to keep being mad, though, because I can't help but think about how a year ago, he would have been completely different. He probably would have told me to go away in a really mean way instead of in the nice way he tried doing today.

That's a real annoying thing for me. Every time I'm mad at him, I also have to be a little bit grateful to him because at least he's super nice about things now instead of how he used to be.

But it's still mean. I want to talk to Merle, too, even though I'm supposed to be mad at him, too.

I'm gonna think about something else. It's hard to, though. Whatever.

Sitting here with my back against the wall, tapping the toes of my shoes against each other with my legs straight out in front of me, thinking about things that aren't Dad or Merle. Simple as that. What else is going on around here lately?

Carl's named his sister. Judith. I think he said it's because his teacher was named that or something, which is sweet. I just like the name Judith 'cause it's pretty, in my opinion. The baby's real cute when she ain't crying as loud as... something real loud. I like her best when she's giggling.

Now that Momma's back, I've been thinking that maybe I want a little baby brother or sister, too. I think I would be a pretty alright big sister. Maybe I'll ask Mom and Dad about that a little later when I'm done being grumpy. Daddy seems to like babies a lot, judging off of how much he likes Judith. I bet Momma does, too.

If I had a baby sister, I'd wanna name her something like Ladybug because that's real cute, but I know there's no way my dad's gonna name his baby Ladybug. 'Cause he's no fun. I'll just call her Ladybug for a nickname if he won't let us name her it. If I had a brother, I think I'd wanna call him Milo 'cause I really like that movie Milo and Otis about the cat and the dog going on an adventure.

Thinking about baby names makes it a lot easier to not think about all the other bad things.

That is, at least, until I hear my dad's voice and I gotta act irritated again. "Hey," he says, walking over to where I'm sitting. "Mad at me?"

"Mhm," I hum, crossing my arms.

"Thought so," Dad says. He lets out a little grunt as he sits down next to me, 'cause he's old and that's what old people do when they sit down and get up. "Thought I told ya to go find your momma."

"Thought you told me I could come with you and see Uncle Merle," I respond.

"Well, don't worry," Dad huffs out, readjusting his sitting position. He rests his hands on his knees, fidgeting with something in his fingers. Can't tell what it is. "You can come with next time. I had to talk to him about somethin'. Somethin' that ain't your business."

"We could go see him now," I suggest, raising my eyebrows.

I don't even really know why I wanna see him so bad. I guess I just want to check if he's getting better. Or so I can make him better and help him, like I helped Dad.

"Nah. I don't feel like talkin' to him anymore," Dad tells me, shaking his head.

"I could go see him and you could wait here."

"No," Dad says immediately. I sigh, but it sounds a little more like whining than sighing. "I don't want you around him without me or Mom. Understand me?" I nod my head, serious and everything because he's being super serious. Kind of makes me feel a little achy. "He thinks he's here to 'do the things no one else wants to', whatever that means. Think he's got it in his head that just 'cause he's here, things are gonna go back to how it used to be."

"But they're not," I finish for him, just because it's good to say it.

"Right." Dad nods, glancing over at me. "I just don't want you around him much 'til he gets his act together and stops being an a-"

"A jerk," I interrupt before he can say a swear word.

Dad scoff-laughs. "Yeah."

That all makes sense. Makes it easier not to be mad at him about it, now that I know it's for a pretty good reason. Now that I don't gotta act all irritated, I can ask him about babies. "Hey, Dad?"

"Hm?"

"Are you and Mom ever gonna have another baby?" I ask, leaning forward so I can look at his face. I'm doing the thing that you do to get what you want. The thing when I make my eyes very big and sweet-looking.

But Dad laughs again, raising his eyebrows at me. "You want another baby cryin' out for walkers all day and night? One ain't enough for you?"

"No, no. That's not what I mean," I complain, rolling my eyes at him. Had a feeling he'd say something like that. Saying those types of things is how he avoids answering difficult questions, I'm pretty sure. "Don't you think I'd be a good big sister?"

"'Course I do. But babies are more work than you think. You gotta have 'em and raise 'em forever, even when you have no idea what you're doing," Dad tells me. And I know that, obviously, but I'd help them. I'd help Mom and Dad. "Think I gotta get a little bit better at it all before I have another kid, Juni."

"Maybe someday, though?"

"Maybe someday."

"If it's a girl, could we name her Ladybug?"

"Hell no."

I groan and huff at the same time. "But that name's adorable," I tell him, dragging out the L in adorable just to make sure he gets how adorable that name is.

"It ain't a name, June. It's a bug," Dad argues.

"So's Junebug," I remind him.

"Junebug ain't on your birth certificate. That's a nickname," Dad says. I know that, and I sort of knew he was going to say that. He's kind of predictable sometimes. "You wanna call her Ladybug, fine. But that ain't gonna be her real name. She'd need an actual name."

A smile creeps its way up onto my face. "Now you're sayin' it like you are gonna have another baby," I tell him, tapping my hands against my knees all excited.

He scoffs. "Don't get your hopes up."

I think that means that he doesn't think he's gonna have another kid, but it also means that it's not 100% impossible, which means that someday I could possibly, maybe be a big sister to the cutest baby in the whole entire world. I know it'll be the cutest baby in the whole entire world, even though it's not even been born yet, because it'll be my baby brother or sister, and therefore it'll be the cutest thing to me, even if it's really a little bit ugly. I really hope I can be a big sister someday.

Out of nowhere, Rick comes walking over to us. He's doing that walk that's faster than a normal walk, which also happens to be the one that makes you feel like something's gone real wrong, especially when it's paired with his stressed-out face, which it is. So when Daddy hops up to his feet, I do too, and I hook my finger on his belt loop just because I'm a little bit nervous now.

"It's off. We'll take our chances," Rick says as he's walking over to us. I don't know what the heck is off or what we're taking our chances on, though. Which is a little annoying.

"I'm not saying it was the wrong call, but this is definitely the right one," Dad replies to Rick. Guess he knows something I don't. Bet that's another reason why I couldn't go with him to see Merle.

"What call?" I ask him.

Dad shakes his head. That annoying thing parents do when you ask them something and they say doesn't matter or something of that sort. Just keeps you out of the loop when you really want to be in the loop.

Looking at Rick, Dad's eyebrows furrow and his eyes narrow. Like he's concerned. "What's wrong?" he asks.

Rick is sort of pacing, but not big pacing. Little pacing. Where his feet are moving and he can't seem to stay still, but he's also not walking in big, back-and-forth lines. Just kind of nervous fidgeting. He can't seem to look at my dad when he answers his question. "I can't find Merle or Michonne. They've gone."

"Merle left us? With Michonne? I thought they hated each other," I murmur, expressing my confusion. Didn't Merle try to kill the Michonne lady? Like, shoot her or something? Why would she want to go with him?

"Go back to your mom, Junebug," Dad murmurs, running his hand over my hair before rushing off with Rick, towards where he was talking with Merle.

My finger slips off his belt loop, but that doesn't stop me from following him, even though he told me to go to Mom. I don't even know where my mom is right now, and if something's going wrong, I don't wanna be by myself. So I'm sticking with him and Rick for now.

I follow them into this room in the prison that I ain't ever been in before, as far as I can remember. It's kinda dirty and it's got a bunch of machinery type stuff in it. Lots of junk, too. Kind of like a storage room. Kind of stinks, too.

"He was in here. Said he was lookin' for drugs. Said a lot of things, actually," Dad tells Rick.

Sounds like Uncle Merle to me. Dad and Rick start looking around the room, and when Dad notices me hiding in the doorway, he shakes his head disapprovingly, which makes me feel sort of bad, but he doesn't say anything or nothing like that. At least, now that he sees me anyway, I can just stick next to him.

"Like what?" Rick asks from the opposite side of the room.

"Said that you were gonna change your mind," Dad answers. He spots a rag on the floor by the other door. "Here we go." He kneels down next to it, picking it up and inspecting it like it's gonna whisper all the answers in his ear. "Yeah. He took her here. They mixed it up."

"Damn it!" Rick hisses, his teeth clenched. "I'm going after him." He goes off through another room I've never been in, and me and Dad follow him.

"You can't track for shit."

"Then the both of us," Rick suggests, which I really don't like.

"No," I try to interject.

But my no overlaps with my dad's no. "No, just me," he says, which is even worse than what Rick said. "I said I'd go and I'll go. Plus they're gonna come back here, and you need to be ready. Your family, too."

"Dad," I whine, grabbing onto his hand as he opens the door. "Please."

I don't have to say anything other than please for him to know what I'm asking for. It doesn't seem like it's changing his mind, though. He gives me a very sympathetic look and then tucks my hair behind my ear. I untuck it real quick, though, because when he tucks it behind my ear you can see a bit of that ugly scar on my head.

"Merle took Michonne and he's takin' her to the Governor, and the Governor's gonna hurt her. I gotta stop him, Juni. I have to," Dad tells me. His eyes are a bit wider than usual. I can't tell if it's because he feels real bad or if it's because he's panicky.

"Let someone else do it. Please," I say very quietly because it's a very selfish thing to say and I don't want Rick to hear me being selfish. "Please, Daddy. They're gonna come here— that's what you said— and you gotta be here with me and Momma. Please, please, please. Don't go right now."

He chews on his thumb a little bit, avoiding eye contact with me. "Rick's gonna take you back to Mom, and she's gonna keep you safe. You know she will."

"But what about you?"

"I'm gonna be just fine."

"Dad."

He leans down and kisses my cheek, and I wrap my arms tight around his stomach. He stands straight up again, ready to walk off and leave, but he can't because I'm not letting go of him. He always has to do stuff like this and it's not fair. I don't want him to go all the time just because he's brave enough to. I don't care if he's brave because I'm not, and I don't want him to go.

"Come on, June. I gotta go," Dad says, rubbing his thumb over my cheek.

"I don't want you to go."

"I know. But I gotta. Let go, baby." He's stronger than me, even when I'm trying really hard to be as strong as I can, so he pulls me off of him easily. I know I can't force him to stay. I just wish he'd listen to me. "I'll be back before the sun goes down, alright?" he says, raising his eyebrows at me. Even though I'm frowning, I nod. "I love you. I'll be back."

"I love you, too," I whisper, staring at our shoes.

He tucks my hair behind my ear again, and I untuck it, and then I watch his shoes walk away, leaving me with Rick, who gives my shoulder a comforting squeeze. "Let's go find your mom, yeah?"

♡

Me and Rick find Glenn and Maggie before we find anyone else, and they lead us to where everyone else is waiting. By that table me and Dad saw Glenn by earlier. Carol's sitting over on the bench, holding baby Judith in her arms. Hershel and Beth are sitting by each other's sides and Carl's next to my mom, who smiles when she sees me.

As soon as I see her, I sit down by my momma's side, leaning against her. "Hey, Bug. Where's your daddy?" she asks me. I don't answer her because I don't feel like speaking at all. When I don't answer, she looks over at Rick, raising her eyebrows. "Where's Daryl?" she asks.

Rick sighs, looking at the ground. He's gonna explain it all to everyone. I can tell because he's standing in front of everyone, shifting his weight from foot to foot all anxiously. "When I met with the Governor, he offered me a deal. He said..." Rick sighs a little bit, looking at everyone while also somehow looking at no one, "He said he would leave us alone if I gave him Michonne. And I was gonna do that."

I'm not looking at everyone, but I can feel the sadness get bigger. Carl, though, I can see, and he looks down at his lap. He really likes Michonne ever since he went on that trip with her and his dad.

"To keep us safe," Rick goes on. I understand wanting to keep your family safe. I'm just sick of all the hurting and fear and sacrifices that's gotta come with it. "I changed my mind. But now Merle took Michonne to fulfill the deal and Daryl went to stop him, and I don't know if it's too late."

Merle couldn't have gotten that far already, right? Dad was with him not too long ago. Dad's gonna be able to catch up to him or something. I hope so, at least.

"I was wrong not to tell you," Rick acknowledges, "and I'm sorry." Secrets are another thing I'm sick of. Being out of the loop in general is hard, and everyone is always out of the loop when people are keeping secrets. Especially big, important ones. "What I said last year, that first night after the farm..."

I remember that night pretty well. I remember being real scared and cold 'cause the fall weather was getting closer to winter weather, and everyone was mad and anxious and sad, and all of the bad feelings felt six billion times more bad to me.

It was after Rick had killed Shane, and then Carl had killed Shane's walker. And Rick had admitted that to everyone, all angry and stressed out. Lori was mad and devastated, and Carol didn't want to listen to Rick anymore, and I just wanted to go home and fall asleep in my own bed while listening to Dad and Uncle Merle talk in the other room.

Rick said a lot of things that night. A lot of things that made me feel a little bit nervous around him for a little while. I get it now, though. Why he said all those things. 'Cause he was just as scared as everyone else, except he was the one who had to make all the scary choices.

"It can't be like that. It can't," Rick tells us all now. He has changed his mind on all of it. I'm not sure if it's because of this, or because of all of the things that have gone wrong since he declared himself the leader. "What we do, what we're willing to do, who we are; it's not my call. It can't be. I couldn't sacrifice one of us for the greater good because we are the greater good. We're the reason we're still here, not me."

The air feels heavy and Mom starts running her fingers through my hair, detangling all the knots. My stomach feels achy and nervous, and I wish Dad were here.

"This is life an death. How you live... how you die— it isn't up to me. I'm not your Governor. We choose to go. We choose to stay. We stick together. We vote. We can stay and we can fight or we can go."

Rick doesn't say anything else before walking off on his own. Mom pulls me tight against her side, and I feel just a little bit safer.