5. Crisis of identity
Tim's uncertainty made him anxious. Since he started working as a gatekeeper, it was the first time he wasn't bored. The silence of his apartment, which had once been a refuge, now felt like a prison. Guilt consumed him, constantly thinking about what he had done and how he would react or explain himself if it was discovered. He couldn't shake the fear of the impending consequences – disciplinary action, torture, or even worse, suspension or immediate imprisonment. But the doubts about the system he had so loyally served were more profound than the fear.
Tim found himself trapped in a relentless battle within his mind, pacing back and forth in his cramped living room. The memory of the moment he had allowed Mara to pass through the gate haunted him. He could still see the sincerity in her eyes and hear the conviction in her voice. He believed her, but this belief came at a steep price. He was torn between his duty to uphold the law and his growing conviction about the system's inherent flaws.
Hours passed, but the minutes crawled so slowly that Tim sometimes wished someone would catch him so he wouldn't have to think anymore. He wanted to go to Noir but couldn't face him and pretend everything was fine. Yet Tim couldn't stay in the solitude of his room either, so he went outside to the yard, passing by the clutter he had brought down from the attic to make a scarecrow. He had resolved to occupy himself to distract his mind, but he only managed to lift the worn-out clothes stand. Instead, he took long walks around the town, hoping the fresh air would clear his head. But wherever he went, he encountered reminders of his mistake – the grim faces of strangers and even the locals seemed sullen, and the now silent, ominous teleport gate looming towards the village.
As the evening shadows lengthened, Tim knew he had to return home. The administration, the closure of numbers, still awaited him. He wandered aimlessly through the village, his senses on high alert. Suddenly, a figure with a hood pulled low over his eyes joined him in a quiet little street, their presence sending a shiver down Tim's spine.
"I need to talk to you about Mara. Come to the walnut grove, but make sure no one sees you following," said the strange figure, who then quickened his pace and headed towards the grove.
Tim's heart pounded. He knew it could be a trap, but something told him he had to meet him. He needed to know more about what Mara was trying to achieve and wanted answers.
He took a detour towards the grove, stepping cautiously and constantly looking over his shoulder to see if he was being followed. As he entered the dense shadows of the trees and because it was getting dark, he barely noticed the figure he was supposed to meet.
"Tim," whispered a voice from the shadows. He turned around and saw the hooded figure stepping forward cautiously and covertly.
"Who are you?" Tim asked, trying to keep his voice steady.
The figure pulled back his hood, revealing a slightly stubbled face. "My name is Peter. I'm a friend of Mara's."
Tim's tension eased slightly. "What do you want from me?"
Peter looked around, ensuring they were alone. "Mara told me what you did. She said you're different and might be willing to help me too."
Tim furrowed his brow. "Help you with what? I don't even know what's going on here."
Peter sighed. "The northern sector is a testing ground. The government is experimenting with new technology, dangerous technology that could change everything. Mara was trying to gather evidence to expose the truth."
Tim felt anger and confusion. "I've already done enough; what more do you want from me?"
Peter's eyes hardened. "Those who know too much disappear. This isn't just about breaking the rules; it's about survival. Mara trusted you because she saw something in you. She believed you could tell the difference between right and wrong."
Tim's guilt deepened. "I let her through without knowing all the details. And I risked being found out for what I did. How do I know you're not an informant?"
Peter stepped closer, his face serious. "You did the right thing, Tim. And you can still help. We need someone on the inside to let a few more people through to support Mara."
Tim felt the weight of the decision. He wanted to help, but the fear of punishment and the uncertainty of trust made it difficult. "I don't know if I can do it," he admitted, barely audible.
Peter put his hand on Tim's shoulder. "You must have realized by now that the system is flawed, and we need people like you to help fix it. I'll be in the line tomorrow, and I ask that you let me through. I'll have all the papers and the number, too... but I know the Heine travelers are being watched even more closely now."
Tim nodded, feeling a faint determination. "I'll think about it."
As he stepped back into his apartment, the dim lights of the village casting long shadows on the sidewalk, Tim felt a surge of conflicting emotions. His inner turmoil was far from over, but he knew he couldn't turn a blind eye to the truth any longer. Mara's mission was more significant than he had initially realized, and his role in it was just beginning to unfold.
Tim sat down at his desk at his apartment and quickly immersed himself in his pending tasks. However, his thoughts were far away. He was still afraid and confident, but he knew that he could not return to blindly following orders. He was no longer the naive gatekeeper he had been.
In the morning, he was awakened by a loud knock, surprised by Judith's unusually early visit. His boss wasn't alone; she arrived with two young men in uniform.
"These are the two inspector friends who will be staying with you," Judith began, not waiting for Tim to invite them in, stepping into the room. "There's plenty of space, as I see, but we'll need to bring in some furniture."
Tim stood uncertainly, still groggy from the previous day's events. Then he gathered himself and greeted his two future roommates, who he realized he could do nothing to avoid, and offered them coffee.
"I don't need any, thanks; I have many things to take care of. But I'll leave you here, have your coffee, and then come up to the teleporter with Tim," Judith replied, still assessing the room to see how much furniture was needed.
Tim's sparse furnishings could use an update, but he had no illusions; he suspected they'd bring in some used furniture, junk from the city.
Pluto and Jamie placed their bags on the floor, as there was nowhere else to put them. The room had only a desk with a chair, a bed, and a wardrobe. A long shelf unit stood alone against one of the empty walls, but Tim didn't use it; it stood empty, merely filling space.
"So, you're the gatekeeper here?" the taller one, Jamie, tried to befriend him. "How many people usually cross in a day?"
Tim answered the questions, albeit reluctantly. He was busy making coffee and wondering if he should also offer them breakfast. Then he decided to keep things brief, showered, dressed, and headed to the gate. Noir also had two people staying with him, who joined Tim when they saw they were ready to go.
Tim was bombarded with questions; they wanted to know everything about how he did his job and how long it took to complete tasks. This made him uncomfortable. After all, they were inspectors; what else could he expect? He just hoped that it wasn't primarily him being inspected but the travelers. Then he thought of the figure from yesterday. How was he going to let him through?
Tim saw even more inspectors at the teleportation gate, distinguishable from the travelers by their blue uniforms, all standing and observing. This was unusual; plainclothes officers had been watching from the sidelines the day before.
Tim sensed the situation would be severe if such security measures had been taken. He only hoped that the person who had approached him the previous day wouldn't show up, seeing the tightened security and turning back instead.
The day began, and travelers stood in line, but everyone seemed much more anxious. Tim was busy with his work, but he noticed the inspectors occasionally calling travelers to present their papers and inquiring about their destinations. Suspicious individuals were pulled out of the line and subjected to lengthy questioning, increasing the nervous tension among the others—and in Tim.
After being questioned, the inspectors escorted some travelers away, who led them down the hill to an unknown destination. Tim tried to remain calm. He had some insight into the methods the inspectors used; besides coercion, they were authorized to use torture to uncover enemies of the state.
Tim wondered if he could skillfully maneuver and avoid these situations. In his naivety, he had previously thought that anyone who opposed authority deserved their fate. But Mara had shifted his worldview, leading him into this situation. He had let his thoughts wander again, and he had to remind himself to believe everything would be fine. Then Tim noticed the person from yesterday being pulled out of the line. He nearly fainted at the sight. After a long conversation, he saw one of the inspectors pushing the person down the hill from the corner of his eye.
Perhaps he was smart enough to say he was headed to a different city and didn't reveal his true destination? Although it didn't seem that way if he was being sent away. Tim felt a sense of relief because now he didn't have to decide whether to let him through or not. He had thought about what he would do, but the weight of the decision was so heavy that he kept pushing it away, hoping the person wouldn't show up or something would happen. And something did happen—they took him away. But now Tim is worried about what will happen next. Would the person tell them that Tim had already let someone through?
Then suddenly, he felt calm. He couldn't understand why. His nerves settled as the number of travelers dwindled and the number of inspectors decreased. The calmness that once characterized him began to return. For an outside observer, watching Tim take papers, study them, and enter codes into a device by the teleportation gate would make it seem like he was a robot. His movements were measured and calm. Nothing gave away the inner conflict raging inside him. No one saw that he felt like he was collapsing and that his limbs were trembling. This was why Judith considered him a good gatekeeper. Although his boss sometimes saw signs of him turning red, his posture, demeanor, and ability to maintain a professional tone reassured the leadership that Tim was a reliable and stable worker.
As Judith approached him, smiling, Tim was angry with himself for letting himself get stressed. There's nothing wrong here; if there were, he would have been taken away long ago, or someone would have been assigned to watch his every move.
"I'll walk you home, Tim. Let's talk on the way," said Judith, patiently waiting as he gathered his things.
The gatekeeper couldn't understand this sudden change, and deep in thought, he tried to force a smile on his face.
"I'm satisfied with your work! You've been doing an excellent job here. Even though quite a few people managed to get to Heine before the crackdown, none passed through this gate! That's something, Tim! You've earned the respect of the leadership as well. There will be a thank-you letter and a little bonus. You should be proud of yourself, and I am proud of you too because this is the only gate where no one passed through to Heine."
"Except for that woman, no one else wanted to go there, so it's not my doing!" Tim lowered his eyes, pondering the irony that he might receive a reward instead of punishment.
"Don't downplay your achievements; you're too modest. If anyone else had come, you would have resisted bribery, too. You're much more law-abiding!" Judith nudged him playfully.
Tim was surprised but said nothing, noting how peculiar this familiarity felt.
"I wanted to ask you, Tim, if you'd like to take a few days off, travel to the city, visit someone.
This was too much for Tim, and he even stopped in his tracks, so surprised was he. "Besides the mandatory vacations?"
"Yes, this is a kind of reward, but it's my little way of being nice to you."
"The thing is, I don't have anyone to visit. The people who raised me at the orphanage aren't there anymore; besides, I'm more tied to this place now."
"You've gotten pretty close to the cook!" Judith laughed.
"Can I ask you something?" Tim became serious. Without waiting for her response, he continued, "The people who were pulled out of the line today—was it random, a spot check?"
Judith was surprised by the question. "No, we had a list of those likely to travel in the coming days. The situation is getting worse, Tim. Everyone risks it because of the invention; once one person talks, an entire organization is exposed. Unfortunately, several groups are making excellent forgeries and even know how to hack the EPRS numbers."
Tim absentmindedly kicked stones along the road. "So, someone in Heine got caught and ratted out the others?"
"Yeah, that's right. The authorithy revealed who provided the papers, and that person then protected themselves by giving up all the information. It was easy to unravel the entire network. It's simpler; no one can get in or out of Heine. It's completely closed off. Of course, some still try but mostly rely on bribery."
Tim was pleased with what he heard but wanted to know if he could ask more questions or when Judith might stop him from sharing confidential information. "And do you know anything about that girl who wanted to cross here? Did she cross elsewhere?" Tim felt he probably shouldn't have brought this up, but it was too late to take it back; the question slipped out so instinctively that he only realized his mistake when he heard his voice.
"No, she completely disappeared. Either she didn't cross, or she's hiding in Heine. But even if she did cross, she won't find peace because many soldiers have gone there, searching for her and others who don't belong in Heine."
Tim could already picture Mara's delicate face being beaten and her eventually revealing how she got through. He closed his eyes, but that made it even worse.
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