ok we have a new character

lemme just do the list again

Acatin= me

Pipit= Trianglepaw

Amber= my magician character

Aisha= mom of the group

Lila= goddess

Foxglove= superhero

Chaos= my evil character (demon)

Jack= Jack from the Titanic. dont ask i was forced to yeet him into this because of Triangle simping for him. *eye roll* [she wont shut up about it]

JD= Jason Dean from Heathers. also forced into this by Triangle

Marvin= JSE ego that is my favorite fictional individual

Anti= second favorite fictional individual

basically any of the JSE or Markiplier egos could be in this lmao

!!!WARNING!!!

probably some innapropriate jokes/ lotsa cursing so if youre bothered by it, just dont say anything and leave lol

OK ONWARD WITH THE BULLSHIT
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

[texting each other] 

 Pipit: JFJSKFJD 

 JD: what was that? 

 Pipit: a keysmash, it's like "lol". 

 JD: how do I do that? 

 Pipit: just press anything! 

 JD: 7

Pipit: This coffee tastes like dirt. 

 Acatin, concerned: That's because you put soil in instead of coffee grounds— 

 Pipit: Oh. It tastes pretty good then. sip

Amber, nervous: I...n-need life advice. 

 Alice, eating raw cookie dough and Mountain Dew for breakfast: you came to the right person.

Alice: i'm telling you, molotov cocktails work. any time i had a problem and i threw a molotov cocktail, boom! right away i had a different problem. 

Amber: ...she does have a point. 

Aisha: [face palm]

Yancy, arriving to prison: just call me the mitochondria because i'm the POWERHOUSE OF THIS CELL! 

 Yancy, 2 seconds later: [gets punched]

Amber: Aisha has insanely strong opinions on everything. go ahead, ask her something no one should have an opinion on 

 Foxglove: hey, Aisha, what's the worst multiple of 4? 

 Aisha: pfft, 172. obviously.

Chaos: i want to change the world

Aisha: for the better? 

 Chaos: [sweating] 

 Aisha: answer me

Host, blind: [sees Google] is that a robot?! 

 Jameson, mute: did you just see?! 

 Eric, standing on actual legs: did you just talk?! 

 Dr. Iplier and Dr. Schneeplestein: [drop their clipboards in amazement]

ego reactions to being told 'i love you' 

 Foxglove: thanks man! 

 Amber: oh no

Lila: cries i love you too 

 Aisha: sounds fake but okay 

 Alice: a flustered mess

Chaos: can i get a refund

Amber, watching the news: some idiot tried to fight a giant squid downtown! 

Foxglove, covered in ink: maybe the squid was being a dick

Alice: you do know you're bad with boundaries, right? 

 Foxglove: no way! name one time i violated a boundary! 

 [yesterday] 

 Foxglove, picking Alice's front door lock with a hair clip at 2 am: hey, can i come in?

literally anyone: what's your default reaction when you see someone that's just too beautiful for this world? 

 Marvin: i gasp 

 Marvin: i smile 

 Marvin: i stare 

 Marvin: then i put down the mirror.

Pipit: JD, do you have a bag I can borrow? 

 JD: the only bags i have are the ones under my eyes, and they're specifically designed to carry the burden of my existence. 

 Pipit: literally all you had to say was no.

Chase: i think i'm gonna buy the new iPhone! 

 Anti: what for? to clearly see Stacy ignoring your calls in higher resolution?

Chase: ...what? it's the truth! 

 Dr. Schneeplestein: Chase, saying "it's sad boi hours" is not a constructive assessment of your mental health.

Kidnapper On The Phone: get me a hundred thousand within the next 24 hours if you want your little friend back. 

 Jack: ONLY A HUNDRED THOUSAND?! MY WORTH IS ONLY A HUNDRED THOUSAND DOLLARS?! 

Kidnapper: shut the fu– 

 Jack: MAKE IT A BILLION. 

 Pipit: 

 Pipit: 

 Pipit: keep him. [hangs up]

Amber: listen up teens, there's nothing "meme" about smoking a cigarette. there's nothing "Netflix and chill" to take a drug. fidget spin yourself to school. 

All of my Egos: ...

[Amber what kind of drugs are you on-]

Aisha: if i die tonight, you and and the rest of egos can split my money evenly for rent and bills. 

Amber: all 38 dollars of it?

Chaos: i kidnapped you so we can play the deadliest game! 

 Amber: Knife Monopoly? 

Chaos: 

Chaos: 

Chaos: i was actually going to have my puppets hunt you for training practice, but now i'm really interested in whatever Knife Monopoly is.

Pipit: I know you think my judgement is clouded because I like Jack a little bit. 

 Acatin: You doodled your wedding invitation. 

 Pipit: That's our joint tombstone you fucking piece of shit. 

 Acatin: My mistake.

Foxglove: Listen, I'm gonna need you to swear– 

 Chaos: Fuck. 

 Foxglove: ... 

 Foxglove: Swear as in promise

Chase Brody: i drink to forget but i always remember. 

 Marvin: you're drinking a fucking Capri Sun

Pipit: Acatin, do you like Marvin?  

Acatin: *nervous* no...

Pipit: then why do you keep writing A+M everywhere?

Acatin: it stands for anarchy and murder

Alice: just discovered a trick. if you make brownies but dont cut them, you can eat the whole slab and say you only ate 1 brownie! 

 Alice, laying sick in her bed: don't do that.

Aisha: you took advice from Chaos?! 

 Amber: it's called hitting rock bottom.

Alice: you call it a near death experience

Amber: we call it a vibe check from God 

 Aisha: [sighs loudly]

Jack: ASK ME IF I GIVE A FUCK! 

 Pipit: Do you give a fuck? 

 Jack: Yes I am deeply affected by the opinions of strangers largely in part to my cripplingly low self-esteem and poor mental health, thanks for asking.

Acatin: if you took a shot for every poor life decision you made, how drunk would you be?

Marvin: maybe a little tipsy?

Acatin: drunk

Anti: wasted

Pipit, looking at Jason Dean: dead

Acatin, about Jack: are you SURE i can't punch him in the face? 

 Pipit: no! absolutely not! 

Acatin: what if i just break his nose a little?

[thats an example of me hating everyone Triangle simps for because she wont just stfu about it]

Marvin: i want to go to the liquid zoo 

 Acatin: wh – what? 

Marvin: i forget what it's called... like the actual zoo but with liquid animals. 

Acatin: 

 Acatin: you mean an aquarium?

Pipit, in Acatin's car: can i play some music? 

 Acatin: i guess. 

 Pipit, pulling out a saxophone: do you like veggie tales?

[this is a very accurate representation of her personality lmao]

Anti: People tell me I have a unique way of lighting up a room. 

 Acatin: It's called arson and those people are called witnesses

Pipit: Hey Acatin? I'm kinda worried about Anti, maybe he needs a therapist. 

 Acatin: What makes you say that? 

 Anti, from the kitchen: Ravioli, ravioli, give me the serotoni-

Jack: You're annoying. 

 Pipit: But you love me. 

 Jack: Doesn't make you less annoying.

JD, dipping an Oreo into nacho cheese: name a better duo, i'll wait 

Acatin: you and hell

Acatin: if i ever have daughter, i'm going to name her Theresa. but it's going to be pronounced as 'There's a' 

Pipit, down the hall: Theresa snake in my boot

[wow its me naming my characters and then Triangle mocking them]

Therapist: and what do we say when life gets hard? 

Acatin dealing with quarantine: I guess you just have to chuck it in the "fuck it" bucket and move on 

Therapist: No-

Acatin: Pipit, we need to have a discussion about your spending habits. 

Pipit: (hanging from her brand new aerial silks in a personalized leotard sipping wine she bought from a man in a Walmart parking lot) What spending? This is JD's money! 

 JD: (slightly agitated sugar daddy grumble)

Foxglove: Oh, sure, when JACKIEBOYMAN leaps from rooftop to rooftop, performing death-defying extreme parkour stunts as he flies through the city, he's "a hero" and "protecting the city", but when I do it I'm "illegally trespassing on private property" and "a menace to society", THAT'S how it is, huh?

Chaos, while T-Posing on the floor, face up, deadpan: All of the birds died in 1986 due to Reagan killing them and replacing them with spies that are now watching us... 

Lila, visibly confused and concerned: 

Chaos, turning her head to Lila suddenly, with a lot more emotion in her voice: THE BIRDS WORK FOR THE BOURGEOISIE 

 Lila: AHHHHHHHHHHHH!! runs to get her exorcism kit

[side note, i love that word because its just an excuse to pronounce it way wrong and say "borgioucie"]

Aisha: the next person to say "mood" or "same" or "me" after i make a threat will be thrown out of the window onto the solid concrete 

 Amber: mood. 

 Foxglove: same 

 Lila: me

Amber: i just realized the Five Stages of Grief - Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance - spell out DABDA and i feel like this is important information. 

Aisha: ...? 

Amber: sometimes you just need to DAB DA grief away. [dabs] 

Aisha: never speak to me again

[during an ego meeting] 

Amber: so here's the tea 

Chaos: for the last time, it's called a mission report. 

Alice: Chaos, shush! i want to hear the tea!

Jack: if i were trapped inside a room filled with explosives and the only way out was to eat a tomato, i would die 

Pipit: how the hell would you even find yourself in that situation?

Marvin: Acatin texted me "your adorable" and i replied with "no, YOU'RE adorable" 

Pipit: ...and? 

Marvin: and now we're dating. we've been on six dates. all i did was point out a typo, but i like her so i'm not going to say anything.

Chaos: hey guys! i got a riddle, what goes up but never comes down?!

Aisha: the amount of stress you bring to this group

Aisha: i told you not to wear it in the shower. 

Amber, sadly holding a soggy Burger King crown: i don't need a lecture right now

Aisha: do you ever drink so much coffee that you feel kinda dizzy, then the world is moving in slow motion, and then you're drifting through space and time, and then you can see everything and nothing while being lost in the void? 

Lila: heavens, no! 

Amber: [understandingly nods]

Acatin: hey Pipit – i typed 'Bitch' into my GPS and guess what? i'm in your driveway! 

Pipit: Acatin, its 2 in the morning. 

Acatin: vroom vroom, motherfucker

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

thats it for todays chapter of what the hell am i doing with my life! have a good existence everyone! hope i made you smile/slightly exhale through your nose because we never actually laugh at things we see on the internet

:)