Oh, she's sweet but a psycho
A little bit psycho
At night she's screamin'
"I'm-ma-ma-ma out my mind"
Oh, she's hot but a psycho
So left but she's right though
At night she's screamin'
"I'm-ma-ma-ma out my mind"

-Sweet but psycho, Ava Max

33| Evelyn

Evelyn still hadn't eaten anything. The bad feeling in her stomach was still there. But the second voice was silent for now.

Evelyn had been thinking over and over about what Cecily said. She was right. Evelyn could not let anxiety take everything away from her. It was her life, her choice, not her anxiety's.

Even though she had anxiety, she still had a choice. She knew that. Even if something went wrong, she would know, she took decision herself, not letting her anxiety win.

That made Evelyn felt better.

Evelyn felt tired to her bones anyway. Her shoulder was tight. She stood up. As if on cue, the door to her room opened.

Mason entered.

Evelyn blinked at him. Mason had his leather jacket on. He looked good. His eyes were bluer.

"Hey," Mason said.

Evelyn felt bad about the morning. There he was, right after the school ended, he came here.

"I'm fine now." Evelyn said, wiggling her toes, looking down in the ground. "Why didn't you came through the window?"

"You dad told me check up on you."

Evelyn remembered what she had said to her dad in the morning. She felt more guilty.

"Please tell him, I'm sorry."

"It'll be better if you tell him yourself. He looked sad."

"Yeah." Evelyn didn't want to look up at him. But she was sorry about him too.

"I am sorry." Evelyn said, "for the morning."

Mason didn't reply.

"It's okay. I get it. I am being a bitch to you. Sometimes I just hate me." Evelyn sighed.

Before she could feel him moving, she was engulfed in a tight hug.

"God, I've been missing you." Mason said in her hair.

"You saw me in the morning," Evelyn said softly.

"I've been sickly worried. I couldn't concentrate on anything. I even missed your horrible tapping your feet. I never thought I could miss that."

Evelyn chuckled. Mason hadn't still let go of that hug. It was not like Evelyn minded. He felt warm like always. So Evelyn snuggled closer.

"What did you do without me all day? Did you run around like a lost puppy?"

"Yeah." Mason said without thinking. "I was seeing blind."

Evelyn laughed some more.

This guy.

"Enough with that. Aren't you supposed to go to Ethan's?"

"I told you I would take you. So," Mason said.

"Oh." Evelyn smiled. He had kept his promise. He could've just ditched her and gone by himself. He even had reasons to, as told by him.

"What did you do all day anyway?" Mason pulled back slightly.

"Thought how I want an apocalypse to end the world?" Evelyn joked.

Mason was not paying attention to that. He narrowed his eyes at her.

"Did you finally realized how ugly I look?" Evelyn said twitching her lips into a smile.

"You look-"

"You still have time Mason. Turn around and run!" Evelyn said.

Mason rolled his eyes. His arms around her waist pulled her closer if possible.

"Do I look like I'm going to?" Mason asked back.

"That's because you're blind. Someday, when you'll see-"

Mason cut her off landing a finger on top of her nose, " You are the most beautiful girl in this whole freaking universe."

Evelyn gasped. Than seeing his amused expression, she burst into laughter.

"The whole freaking universe?"

Mason nodded.

"You need to check your eyesight." Evelyn laughed. Her heart swelled.

"Huh, looks like you're the one who needs to do that."

Evelyn didn't reply.

Meanwhile, Mason kept his gaze on her."You have been crying again." He said sighing.

"Yeah, whatever." Evelyn said, her stomach tightening.

Mason ran a hand through her hair and that was when the trouble happened.

His hands got stuck in her hair. Mason tried to pull it out, but it had gotten tangled all around his fingers.

"Still think I'm the most beautiful girl?" Evelyn asked laughing.

"Hrmph." Mason tried to get his hand out of the tangle.

"When was the last time you combed your hair? Do you even have a comb?"

"I am the most beautiful girl. I don't need a comb," Evelyn replied laughing.

Mason sighed. With his other hand, he loosened the hair slowly and gently and finally got it out.

"What I was trying to say is, why would you think you're not beautiful? Who said that?" Mason asked almost scowling.

"Me?" Evelyn shrugged.

"Have some respect for yourself, Evelyn." Mason said.

Have some respect, Evelyn.

When was the last time, Evelyn respected herself? Her anxiety kept telling her how pathetic, worthless and ugly she is. And she kept believing that, without even questioning her.

"It's not about beauty. It's about how we hold ourselves. If you can't love yourself enough to appreciate yourself, if you don't know your potential, how would you improve?" Mason told her with his head cocked to one side.

"You think I don't understand my potential?" Evelyn asked back.

"Have never seen you confident about that." Mason said.

Evelyn looked away. Before Anxiety, she always seemed to know what she was good at. Dancing, doing maths, solving problems. She even had leading qualities. She could solve a problem with whatever she had in front of her. She was a girl or ready wit.

And now? Evelyn questioned her every decision. She overthought and rethought every step. She thought way too much that she ended up doing nothing at the end.

Evelyn was now good at hiding from people, staying in her room blocking everyone, thinking about how she would get hurt if she exposed herself, thinking how her future was nothing that she wanted.

Evelyn was like a empty vessel with no anchor, no dreams, no aspirations, no expectations. For there's no expectations, there's no chance of losing anything.

Evelyn always now had the fear of losing things. But how could she loose something if she didn't have any?

Maybe the fact that, her father never really wanted anything for her, the fact that her mother abandoned her, the fact that her granny left her all alone had lead to this.

The fear of loss. The fear of abandonment. The fear of being unwanted.

Evelyn had tried to push all these away. Hadn't she? She surely had. When the thoughts first came to her.

But when someone inside your head keeps telling you over and over how worthless and unwanted you actually are and you don't see a difference in real, you are bound to believe that one day. Even if it hurts to think that.

Now Evelyn had a different thought. Was it really about others? About who wanted her or not? About who cared for her or not?

Evelyn lived for herself. Not for anyone else. She had to learn to live for herself.

As self-centered as it may sound, it was better this way. Evelyn needed to help her out of this. It was what Cece said. If Evelyn couldn't help herself, nobody could help her. If she couldn't save herself, nobody could save her.

At the end, she would end up regretting how she lived her life.

Evelyn was afraid of change. And she couldn't just change overnight. She couldn't just turn into someone normal in a day.

But she knew what was like to be her. The real her, Evelyn Reyes, not this empty vessel of herself. She had been there before. She had been better before.

"There." Mason's voice pulled Evelyn out. She blinked.

"Huh?"

"Your hair." Mason said.

Evelyn ran a hand through her hair. The knots were gone. Her tangled mess of hair was tamed and knot less now. Mason had untangled and loosened the knots with his fingers.

"Umm, thanks?" Evelyn said and blushed.

Mason noticed that. He was standing close enough.

"Sometimes I wonder." Mason said. "If only you saw what I can see."

Evelyn bit her lips. She inched near. The boldness came out of nowhere. Evelyn had been bold before. She was always bold.

"What do you see, Mason?" Evelyn said softly.

Mason nose almost brushed her. "I see-"

Evelyn's stomach took that exact moment to grumble out loud. Evelyn jumped back holding her stomach. Mason looked down.

"That came-"

Evelyn was embarrassed. "Argh."

"Your stomach?" Mason asked, bewildered.

Evelyn's stomach was tight in knots. But she was hungry. She hadn't eaten anything the whole day. She knew if she went closer to even kitchen, she would throw up. She could feel that now how hungry she actually was.

"What have you eaten for lunch?"

"Umm," Evelyn swallowed. Mason narrowed his eyes.

"Breakfast?"

"Umm. Nothing?"

Mason looked at her like he was trying to solve a puzzle. "Are you on diet?"

"No!" Evelyn almost laughed at that.

"What's that problem then?" Mason asked.

"Stomach knots?" Evelyn said.

"What is this stomach knots about? You haven't eaten anything all day for that!" Mason ran a hand through his hair in frustration.

"Do you really live by air, Evelyn?" Mason was annoyed.

"Well, If I eat, I'll throw up. So." Evelyn shrugged.

"Then take meds."Mason said.

Meds. Meds won't work on this. Evelyn had tried meds, earlier. It made things worse.

"See a doctor. Have medicine. If you can't eat because of your stomach knots it's a problem, isn't it?"

"It's not like I have it everyday. When I will feel better, I'd eat properly. I have been eating properly, lately wasn't I?" Evelyn said.

Mason turned around.

"Let's get you something to eat." Mason said. "Have you tried eating anything?"

Evelyn had tried to get downstairs around ten. But the smell of food made her gag.

"No." Evelyn replied.

"Awesome. You're gonna try now." Mason said and walked forward.

Evelyn held her stomach. It was still in knots. But she had to get something in there. She was hungry.

As she stepped forward, the pain in her legs came back. She had totally forgotten about the cramps.

Mason seemed to notice her not following.

"You're not coming?"

Mason may have noticed the expression on her face. Because next, he turned 180 and stood in front of her.

"I'm coming," said Evelyn. But Mason didn't wait for that.

"What are you doing!" Evelyn was in his arms in a matter of seconds.

"Put me down, Mason!" She said. "What about dad?"

"Your dad went out the minute I entered. And.." Mason looked down at Evelyn in his arms.

"It's not like I'm doing it for the first time," Mason said. His lips were curved into a smile.

"You mean manhandling me? Of course not." Evelyn rolled her eyes as he stepped forward.

"You woman-handle me all the time. I never said anything." Mason said and shrugged with one of his shoulder. Evelyn squealed and clutched his neck.

"I don't woman handle you." She complained.

"Remember the stunt you pulled yesterday?" He asked back.

"What stunt?" Evelyn asked back innocently.

"How you black mailed me saying if there's no us now, there's no us ever?" Mason said with a smug smile.

Evelyn really really thought he had fallen for it. She actually was convinced.

"You know I've been bluffing?" Evelyn asked.

"The smug smile you gave me after you won the argument was a dead giveaway."

"Argh!" Evelyn groaned.

"I called you back because I want you there with me." Mason said.

"I thought it's dangerous?" Evelyn asked.

"I'll be there. We are a team anyway." Mason said.

That put a smile in Evelyn's face. "You finally realized?"

"But the fact that, you don't eat and weigh as much as a feather, can be a problem. Imagine swinging a punch into a guy and being hurt because of that." Mason accused.

Evelyn punched him, "Hey!"

Mason didn't even flinch. Evelyn had always punched him and gotten a reaction out of it. He'd say, "ouch" and he'd draw back. Even when she fought with him she'd win easily.

And now when Evelyn looked at him, carrying her without even a problem, any restraint, Evelyn realized she had forgotten how strong he actually was.

"If I practice swinging punch and gain some weight, I'll do better than you." Evelyn said.

"Sure. What's stopping you?" Mason asked back.

They were in the kitchen. The kitchen stools sat in front of the counter. Mason made no move of putting her down.

"Put me down. We're here."

"But I don't want to." Mason accused like a child, pouting.

"Mason," Evelyn glared at him.

"There. You woman handling me again." Mason said.

Evelyn huffed and aimed for his face for a punch. Instead, she contacted with his jaw and it was sharp.

"What are you made of? Stone? Bricks?" Evelyn complained.

She was finally put down on a stool. Mason smiled.

"Muscles and bones."

Evelyn stuck her tongue out at him. "You eat a lot. You eat enough for five people."

Mason chuckled and opened the fridge. He searched for something to cook.

"Mason?"

"Hmm?"

"Make me something easy to digest and liquid. I don't think I can eat anything solid."

Mason nodded.

Evelyn watched him silently. The way his lips turned into a frown when he concentrated, the way he moved around with confidence. Mason ran a hand through his hair when he was frustrated. Evelyn had gotten used to all that.

How long it had been?

When Mason finally set down to cook chicken soup, Evelyn decided it was her cue to leave.

"I'm going upstairs."

"Why?"

Mason turned on the stove and set a pan. When he stared to saute the onion, Evelyn covered her mouth and gagged.

This was a bad decision.

She made to upstairs and collapsed on her bed.

No matter how hard she tried, she was always back to square one. The second voice, the knots, the uneasiness, the physical discomfort, these never went away.

Evelyn wondered if it ever would.

• • •
A

uthor's note: So I've been thinking I will publish the rest of the books at once. Looking at my schedule, I don't think I will ever have time to even come here to do publishing and anything. And I have luckily already done with writing the whole book. So you don't have to be afraid of me rushing this book to an ending. No I'm not doing that to my two and half a years of work.

I have already written the last parts. They need a bit editing. And I will write the last chapter perfectly and soon I'm publishing the whole book at once.

Maybe around this week or the next week. You'll see. I am not going to make you wait more. I cannot wait to publish.

Oye. You're up for good things, bad things, beautiful things, everything.

Love.

Njhpiper.