Trigger warning:
Mentions of an abusive relationship
Mentions of casual sex
Mentions of sex shaming

Tyler was trying not to be weird around Josh. He was trying so very hard.

It was now Friday and the boy was at work, trying to keep himself as busy as he could to keep his mind off his curly headed friend. Since the drive home Monday night after the almost-kiss incident, Tyler's been realizing just how attractive Josh is to him. From the way he noticed how his brown eyes shine in the sun to the way his fingers glide across the slight bump in his nose when he pushes his glasses up on his face, Tyler knows he's in trouble. He likes having Josh around and he wants to keep him around, but he's so scared that if he makes a move or they hook up, there's a chance that could all go away. Josh could go away.

He curses slightly to himself as he feels a slight burn on one of his fingers, realizing he'd accidentally sliced it on a knife he was washing while deep in thought. Pulling his hand out of the sink, he walks over and grabs a wad of paper towels to dry his hands and inspect the damage. "You've been in your head all day," his manager, Mary, says to him. "What's on your mind, T?"

Tyler looks at her softly but shakes his head. "Nothing important," he says with a tiny smile. "You mind if I go out back for a smoke real quick? I just need to get off my feet for a minute."

Mary dismisses him with a soft wave of her hand as she smiles back at him. "You know I don't mind. But, if I may say, if it's making you feel like you can't pay enough attention to wash a couple of dishes, I think it's kind of important to you."

"Yeah," he mumbled as he grabbed his jacket and started to walk out of the deli, "maybe."

*****

At the end of his shift, Tyler said goodnight to his manager and walked outside to call his mom to come and pick him up. The worst thing, he's realized, about being 18 with a job and no license is that he doesn't have his own car anyway and has to rely on others to get him to and from work and school. Not only does it annoy him and make him feel sort of like a loser, but it also makes him feel like a burden to those around him. He tried to shake the thoughts away as his mom answered the phone, a softness to her voice as she said "Hi, honey. What's up?"

"Hey, Momma," the boy said as he walked around to the side of the building and pulled out his cigarettes. "I'm off work, can you come get me?"

A brief silence followed his question before his mom swore lightly under her breath. "Tyler, baby, I am so sorry, but I picked up an extra shift today. I forgot to look at your schedule before I accepted the shift. Is there anyone else that could come pick you up?"

Tyler felt his heart sink. Not only was there no one else he could call, but it was already nearing 10 pm and that was not a walk he was ready to make in the dark. "That's okay, Mom," he mumbled, almost entirely disheartened. "I'll figure something out."

"I really am so sorry, baby," his mom said again, and Tyler could hear the sincerity in her voice. He wasn't exactly mad at her because he knew she had to work to make money, he's more just upset because he has to depend on her and she's not always available.

"It's okay, Mom," he repeated. "Have a good night at work. Love you." He hung up before she could respond, and he knew he was going to be beating himself up for that later, but right now, he needed to figure out how to get home.

"Ty?"

The voice sent shivers down his spine and he squeezed his eyes shut momentarily, letting out a long breath before turning and facing Josh. The man had a couple of grocery bags in each hand, meaning he had probably been in the store when Tyler was leaving and he just hadn't noticed. Swallowing what little bit of his nerve that was left, he managed a smile. "Hey, J. What's up?"

The older boy looked down at his hands and shrugged. "Mom asked me to pick up a few things for the weekend before the store closed. She's gonna be out of town for business."

Tyler nodded, taking the last hit of his cigarette before stubbing it out against the bottom of his shoe and placing the filter back in his pack. "Nice," he said, internally cringing at how lame he sounded. "I just got off work, so."

"Waiting on your mom?"

The younger boy sighed heavily through his nose as he shook his head. "No, she had to work tonight. I'll probably just wind up walking."

Josh looked puzzled, and almost offended as he looked at the younger boy in front of him. "As if I'm not standing right here? And my car isn't, like, 20 feet away?"

Tyler felt his cheeks flush, the heat making his entire body prickle. "I-I just meant—"

"Come get in the car before I smack you." Josh's words were meant to sound playful, but it almost seemed like he was genuinely annoyed with Tyler at the moment, which made the boy hang his head as he obediently followed Josh to his car.

The two climbed into the vehicle in silence, Josh putting the groceries in the back before buckling his seat belt and starting the engine. Tyler mumbled out a small 'thanks' as they pulled out of the parking lot, Josh humming quietly, making Tyler shrink in even more on himself. He knew that Josh's attitude was a direct response to how he'd been acting to him the last few days, so he couldn't even be upset. This is what he gets for acting weird and distant, and he had no one to blame but himself.

Tyler was hardly paying attention to the drive, almost completely spacing out the entire time until the vehicle stopped and he realized they were in front of Josh's house. The younger boy furrowed his brows as he watched his friend unbuckle his seatbelt and grab the groceries before turning to him and saying, "Stay here. I'll be right back."

Tyler nodded, mostly to himself as Josh was already out of the vehicle. Watching him walk down the sidewalk, he felt tears spring to his eyes as he felt his negative thoughts sneaking in. Josh was going to take him home and probably never speak to him again, and it was all because Tyler was afraid. Afraid of what, he couldn't exactly pinpoint, but he was absolutely fucking petrified every single time he so much as looked at his older friend. Not only did he believe Josh was better than him in every conceivable way, he was pretty sure he knew it. In Tyler's mind, Josh knows he's better than him, and he's taking pity on him by being his friend in the first place. However, now that Tyler's showing himself to be this selfish and strange creature, Josh is going to toss him aside. He can just feel it.

He's so lost in his own thoughts that he almost doesn't register Josh getting back in the car until the door is closing behind him. No more words were shared as they pulled away from the home and started driving in the opposite direction of Tyler's house. The boy felt confused as he watched Josh drive, but refrained from asking any questions in fear of pissing his friend off.

A few short minutes later, they were pulling into a roadside park on top of a hill, the entire town in view below them. Tyler knew where they were, he had mentioned this spot to Josh as a place his grandfather used to take him and his siblings to watch the lightning when thunderstorms would roll in. Josh threw the vehicle in park before pulling his keys out and leaving the vehicle, going to sit atop one of the park tables overlooking the town. Tyler timidly copied Josh's actions, coming to sit beside him.

It was quiet for a few beats before Josh softly said, "Did I do something wrong?"

Tyler felt his throat start to burn at the feeling of anxiety building in his stomach. "What?"

Josh shook his head, not looking over at the younger boy. "The last two days you've been blowing me off," he continued. "I understand if you didn't want me to kiss you, and I'm sorry, but you were leaning in, too. Even if it was just a reaction and you actually didn't want me to kiss you, that's fine, but it's not fair of you to push me away."

Tyler felt his eyes burn with unshed tears. "Josh, I—"

"But if that's not the case," he interrupted, his voice sounding choked up as well, "then I feel like I deserve to know what's going on. Above all else, I want you to be my friend. I want to be your friend, but I have to know if I did something wrong. Did I do something wrong?"

Small, hot tears fell down Tyler's cheeks. "No. No, you didn't do anything wrong."

Josh laughed humorlessly, turning to face the boy beside him. "Then what happened? After Monday night, you haven't been wanting to talk to me at school, you haven't answered any of my texts, and when I come by your house, even when I know you're not at work, your mom says you're not there. You're actively avoiding me, Tyler, and if I disrespected you in any way or hurt your feelings at all, I'm so fucking sorry but.. What the hell happened?" Tyler was silently sobbing at this point, not letting himself flinch away as Josh's hands rested on his cheeks and wiped his fallen tears away. "Ty," he continued, "I know you're scared, but you have to let me in. I wanna be here for you, but you've gotta let me."

The younger boy let himself fall forward, clinging to his friend's embrace as the two cried on each other's shoulders. Josh was right, Tyler was so scared. He was so scared of Josh finding out exactly who he was, and deciding that he wanted nothing to do with him. He was scared of Josh realizing that Tyler was next to nothing and deciding that he could do better - have better. He wanted Josh to stay around, he wanted him to never leave, but he was also too scared to tell him that. However, he knew he had to.

"I lost my virginity when I was 14," he whimpered against Josh's shoulder. "He was one of the first real boyfriends I'd ever had, and he made me feel so important. He told me loved me that night, and I believed him."

They both pulled away, Tyler rubbing his face harshly to rid himself of the tears before he continued. "His name was Nicholas. I started seeing him not too long after I started my freshman year. He was a new sophomore at our school, and we had briefly met over the summer through a mutual friend. He was so sweet, so.. respectful. My mom loved him, and so did all my friends, and he acted like the perfect guy around all of them. He played football, and was so popular, it was like I should've felt so lucky to be with him. But no one ever really knew how he treated me when they weren't around."

Josh felt his body tense at Tyler's words, bracing himself for the impact of whatever else was about to be revealed to him.

"He would ban me from talking to my friends that he didn't like," he whispered, sounding ashamed. "He would go through my phone and find out if I was texting someone that he told me not to talk to, and he would scream at me. He isolated me from so many of my friends, especially the ones who were gay, and that he thought had some kind of crush on me. He would sometimes get into arguments with me at school and if I tried to walk away from him, he would grab my wrists so hard that he would leave bruises. But I truly believed he loved me, even though he would only ever tell me after sex. This went on for about three months." He took a deep breath, regaining his composure before continuing to speak. "I wanted so badly to tell everyone what he was doing to me, but I was so young. I was only fourteen, almost fifteen. Who the hell goes through an abusive relationship at that age, you know? I was afraid no one would believe me. I'm pretty sure I never would've told anyone until someone saw it happen."

"A few days before one of the biggest football games of the season, he got into an argument with me outside of my locker because he saw me sitting in Brendon's lap during lunch. He had never had a problem with Brendon up until this point. After lunch, he caught me at my locker and started getting onto me about sitting in another guy's lap while I was in a relationship with him. I got upset and told him that he didn't have to worry about Brendon and that he was just my friend, but he wasn't having any of it. When I tried to walk away again, he grabbed my wrist and yanked me against his chest and started getting a little louder. Right across from my locker was my history classroom, and the girl's basketball coach was my history teacher. He saw what was happening, and told him to go to the other side of the hall where his locker was and to leave me alone. He didn't try to talk to me or bother me for the rest of the day, and I thought that was the end of it."

"When I got home, though," he said, his voice shaking a bit, "he was blowing up my phone, telling me that coach was benching him from the game, and it was all my fault because my history teacher had told his coach what he was doing to me and he decided to suspend him for the rest of the season. He broke up with me that night, but not before calling me an almost unending list of names."

Josh took one of Tyler's hands in his, stroking the back of his hand with his thumb as he whispered, "Ty, I am so sorry that happened to you."

Tyler shook his head, wiping away more tears. "It took me months to get all my friends back, but through all of that the only damage that he left me with was feeling like I wasn't good enough for anybody unless I was sleeping with them. He had ingrained in my head that the only way I could be loved was if I was giving myself away. I started sleeping with anybody that would show me interest. I would meet people online that lived in neighboring towns, in neighboring counties, it didn't matter. It eventually came to a point where I would have sex with anybody that asked. I think by the time I hit sixteen, I had already slept with 10 people, and after a certain point, I stopped keeping count. The last time I slept with anybody was just a few months ago, but that feeling of uselessness, of worthlessness, keeps coming back and it feels like the only way I can get rid of it by letting somebody have me. I hate the person that I've become, but I don't know how to stop."

He took a deep breath, looking into Josh's eyes as he spoke again. "I wanted to kiss you that night. I wanted you to kiss me, but I don't wanna lump you in with all those other people that I have sex with just to feel something. You're way too important to me, and I'm so scared that if I give in to the way that I want you that I'll lose you. I don't wanna lose you. I can't lose you." He felt more tears slip down his face as his eyes closed, and he waited for the rejection from Josh that he just knew was coming. He was utterly surprised, though, when Josh spoke up.

"I'm a virgin," he said softly, chuckling gently as Tyler looked at him with slightly widened eyes. "Ty, I don't give a shit if you sleep with one person or a hundred people, that doesn't change who you are and how I feel about you. I like you because you're you. God, it's ridiculous how much I like you."

"B-But," Tyler started, absolutely flabbergasted, "you always have such quick comebacks when we talk about sex. You even mentioned sleeping with me because of how many people I slept with!"

Josh shrugged. "Just because I've never had sex doesn't mean I can't talk about it. I'm a virgin by choice. Not that I'm waiting for anyone special, I'm just waiting until I feel like I'm ready. And, who knows, that could be tomorrow or that could be months from now, but.. I like you. I like you, and I want to experience things with you and that includes the intimate things. I'm not ashamed of you. And I hate that you feel ashamed of yourself."

Tyler smiled slightly, looking into Josh's eyes again. "You really like me, huh?"

Josh just smiled back, placing another hand on the younger boy's cheek before leaning in and closing the gap between the two of them. Tyler immediately kissed back, relaxing into the kiss. This was unlike anything Tyler had ever felt, and he had kissed dozens of people. Josh was slow, unrushed and unfazed by the fact that it was nearing 11 o'clock at night, and he was sitting out on a roadside park with a boy who had just told him his darkest secret. The kiss broke sooner than Tyler had wanted it to, but he felt a warmth spread through him as Josh replied, "Is that a good enough answer for you?"

Tyler chuckled, leaning forward again. "I need a bit more reassurance."

Josh laughed back, pulling the boy closer. "Don't have to ask me twice."

The kisses turned into a small makeout session, and, though neither the boys really wanted to end, they both needed to get home. The silence heading towards Tyler's house wasn't like the one on the way to the park. It was more of a happy, flustered silence, both boys having their cheeks flushed as they held hands across Josh's center console. After pulling up to Tyler's house, Josh gave him one last peck on the lips before the younger boy headed inside. Getting into his room and closing the door behind him, Tyler began squealing with happiness as he fell on his bed, smiling up at the ceiling. A few minutes later, he received a text from Josh.

josh dun 👽: i made it home xx get some sleep, and i'll see you tomorrow

tomorrow?

josh dun 👽: tomorrow. i'm taking you on a date

Tyler felt his cheeks flush bright red as he typed out his response.

i've never been on a date before

josh dun 👽: and i've never taken anyone out before. our first of many "firsts" together

alright, alright. goodnight, josh xx and thank you for being here for me

josh dun 👽: always xx

Tyler felt like he was on top of the world. This feeling was new, and it was kind of scary, but he liked it. This was different from the times he felt like he was wanted during sex. This was purely emotional, and it made him feel like there was a fire burning in his chest. He decided, in that moment, he never wanted that feeling to end.