(after Lizzie's death except i make that session end there, things are inaccurate to sessions after that. Tw for suicidal tendencies, blood, death, etc.)

Jimmy had never wanted to die.

He was always a happy-go-lucky kind of guy and nothing really hurt him. Sure, his friends would tease him but they always came back to apologize with hugs. He felt loved by all of them.

So, why did he feel the urge to jump from Baxter and miss the dog bowl?

He stared down at the sand below him, a firm frown overtaking his features. His eyes were rimmed with bags from sleepless nights. It got worse as the days pass.

"How you feeling?" Martyn asked, sitting next to him quietly. The other big dog had a look of concern on his face as he handed a bowl of soup to him.

Jimmy shrugged. He told Martyn immediately when the thoughts started taking over so long as the rest of the server doesn't know. He trusts Martyn.

"How about you try to sleep, yeah? You still are pretty tired. I'll keep people away for a bit."

Jimmy sighed, putting the bowl down and resting his head in his hands, elbows firmly planted on his knees.

"Martyn..." he paused for a second, "what if I just... do it. Like, now."

Martyn's face went pale, immediately holding onto his friend. His grip was tight, choking. "What are you on about?" There was no hint of a joke. It was odd to Jimmy to see him like this.

"I've just never had anything like this before... it's terrifying." His voice shook as he buried his head into the shoulder right next to him.

"I know, I know," Martyn shushed, taking a deep breath in realization that Jimmy wasn't going to commit in that moment. "We need to tell your brother."

Jimmy's eyes widened but he didn't push away. "We can't Grian, he would flip out!"

"In worry, yeah." Martyn eased slightly. They couldn't tell Lizzie, she was already six feet under, Joel mourning her death. "Do you think your suicidal thoughts stem from Lizzie's death?"

Jimmy flinched. "Don't call them that, please. And no, I don't think so. It's a death game. You have to get used to other people's deaths. I know I will see her in the outside. I'm not stupid."

'Like everyone views you.' A voice whispered in his mind. It screamed about ending his life and about everyone hating him. He hated how it told him that Martyn didn't care. He obiviously did, right?

"Yeah but you won't if we don't get these thoughts sorted. We need to tell people."

'You are just bothering them.'

Jimmy shook his head. "No, we can't."

"Why not? Give me a good reason." Martyn argued, countering the statement.

But Jimmy couldn't.

Martyn sighed, rubbing his eyes. He stood up slowly, pulling Jimmy up as well. "Come on, we need to find Grian."

----------

Grian looked surprised to see the big dogs out of session but he greeted them all the same.

"So, what has been going on? I haven't seen much of you boys around."

Martyn squeezed Jimmy's hand gently, something the admin took into account. "Tell him," Martyn said gently.

Grian's brows furrowed as he tried to figure out what was going on. It could be similar to when Jimmy and Scott had plead for a fake marriage that lasted season one in Third Life. Or it could be like Jimmy actually admitting his feelings about Tango behind closed doors to his older brother, asking for advice.

But this was different.

This was anxious nervousness he was sensing. His baby brother's face appeared more tired than Grian had ever seen of him and his eyes looked foggy, as if he was barely seeing anything in front of him. It wasn't excitement. It was fear.

"Did someone go too far." Grian's hands clenched as his own pants. He knew that some people could be harsh in their jokes especially with Jimmy's habits of losing first.

"No, no," Jimmy quietly urged, eyes widening further in fear. He looked like a scared animal in the light of the torches.

Scared.

Jimmy didn't say anything further to explain so Grian turned to Martyn. He looked unsure.

"Well..." he rubbed the back of his neck, "Jimmy has been having... some very serious thoughts."

Grian could think of many jokes he could pry his brother with but judging from Martyn's tone, there was nothing funny about this. "Go on," he urged, taking Jimmy's other hand.

"About... death... his own specifically..."

Grian's mouth gaped slightly as he turned to Jimmy slowly. He couldn't believe it. This was the same Jimmy that he had grown up with, the same Jimmy that loved life. He couldn't.... could he?

"Jimmy?" He whispered softly.

The younger wouldn't look at him.

"Oh my god..." Grian muttered to himself as he got up. He walked up to Jimmy and wrapped him in a tight hug, one hand resting on the almost golden hair of his younger brother. "It's okay, I'm here."

Jimmy let go of Martyn's hand and hugged him as well, more hesitant than he ever would. Eventually Grian's shoulder became damp with tears but he didn't care.

"When did this start?" He asked Martyn gently shifting their positions so he was practically cradling Jimmy.

Martyn shrugged. "He told me after Lizzie's death and that was when I started noticing he was different but I'm unsure if it started earlier than that."

"After Lizzie's death," Jimmy whispered into Grian's shoulder, sniffling. It was heartbreaking how young he sounded, how scared and fearful his voice echoed.

"He says it isn't because of Lizzie's death. Don't know what else it could be though." Martyn's hand rested on Jimmy's back, rubbing soft circles into it slowly.

"Hey, Martyn," Grian gave him a sad smile. "Thanks for telling me."

-------

Grian held Jimmy's hand tight as they walked back up to Baxter. His hand ached but he would never let go for the fear that the second he would, his younger brother would go hurtling off the edge, blood splattering across the sand. Martyn was ahead of them, slashing at zombies and making sure their path was clear.

"You aren't having thoughts about self-harm, have you?" Grian asked softly, pulling Jimmy to the closest wall of the dune.

Jimmy flinched but shook his head. "No, I haven't."

Grian gave him a glance as they made it up to the door, Martyn turned and waiting for them. "Why do you flinch whenever we mention suicide?"

Jimmy used both his arms to wrap around himself (Grian grudgingly let him despite still being fearful) and his head was tilted towards his feet. "It just... it sounds so bad and I feel guilty... scared of it." They ushered him into Baxter, Grian closing the door behind them. "Like... it feels like a dirty thought, something I should be ashamed of..."

"Jimmy, you should never be ashamed of something like this," Martyn said with finality in his voice. "This happens to people, maybe you have depression or something, we will figure this out together. You aren't alone here." Martyn brushed a hand through Jimmy's hair gently. "I don't know why you feel guilty but you don't need to. Right, Grian?"

Grian nodded his head. "Yes, there is no reason you should feel ashamed for this. If you have depression or anything else, we will deal with it one step at a time."

Jimmy shook his head, tears rolling down his cheeks. Grian and Martyn were taken aback, it didn't look like he accepted or was relieved by what they had said.

"What's on your mind?" Martyn flicked his head softly.

Jimmy looked unsure and shook his head again.

"Jim, its alright. Tell us what your head is telling you. Why does it want you to go?"

He wiped his tears haphazardly. "I just-" he took a deep breath, shaking. "It-it tells me I deserve it. Th-That you all want me dead. Nobody w-wants me."

Grian's face fell but he nodded his head. "Well," he wiped off the tears gently from his brother's face with the sleeves of his sweater, "it's all a bunch of rubbish. Nobody wants you... gone." Grian couldn't even think the world without feeling bile rise up his throat. "You don't deserve it, you deserve to live. Nobody hates you here. Did someone say something that started this?" He asked gently this time although his mind was seething with anger, thinking of everybody's thoughts and feelings he had heard about his brother.

"N-no..." Jimmy whispered. "I know they all care its... my head..." he sobbed, curling into himself suddenly. His last hints of composure were gone. His fingernails dug into his scalp as sobs and sobs. "It's stupid, it's wrong..."

Grian gently pried Jimmy's hands away. His own eyes were tearing up at seeing Jimmy struggling with a battle in his own mind. He could fix something physical but this wasn't physical.

"We need to put an end to this game." Grian sounded determined as he pulled his comm out. If Jimmy were to die with thoughts of ending it, he would never respawn again. Taking him back to an infinite server with a well suited admin would help prevent anything major from happening.

Jimmy didn't say a word but Martyn nodded his head grimly in understanding. Even if it were an accidentental death, it still was too risky for them to take.

Purple flashed across Grian's face and the comm buzzed.

"What was that?" Martyn asked softly, peaking over the admin's shoulder. His face was pale in the purple light.

"W-We can't," he said, looking up with pure fear. Martyn held onto Jimmy a little tighter.

-------

Dead.

Dead.

Dead.

The thoughts got worse and worse as hours passed. Jimmy held his head as they overwhelmed his basic functions.

They hate you.

They hate you.

They hate you.

Martyn was holding Jimmy's hands tight, newly developed canine claws just barely digging into Jimmy's skin. His eyes were red from crying, throat hoarse from trying to whisper endless reassurances.

Lizzie is waiting for you.

Grian was doing everything in his power to stop time from moving. They couldn't go to another session but it only seemed to go faster.

Faster and faster still.

Until the timers hummed.

And the session started.

--------

With bleary eyes, Jimmy took out the secret book that appeared in his satchel. Martyn did the same with his own but he was gentle with it, unsure.

"We have to get your task done, get you more hearts just in case." Martyn whispered in reassurance.

Jimmy ignored him and opened the book.

Secret Task - THE CANARY

His eyebrows furrowed. None of the other books were addressed specifically except for if it was a hard or red task. He should have a red task-

YOUR TASK IS TO DIE.

His blood ran cold and the book fell from his hands. His fingers met up with his hair, tugging at it. He distantly heard Martyn calling for him.

This has to be a joke. A joke. An elaborate ruse by his friends. He must have ate something. He must have hit his head. Maybe this was all a dream.

Yeah, a dream. It surely had to be. He just needed to wake up-

"Jimmy!" Martyn screeched. He only recognized a brief feeling of pain but the voices were gone. His head felt clearer.

The pain twisted from aching to feeling gentle and kind. It felt... good.

Staring down, he could see the hilt of his own sword embedded in his own stomach, his own pale hands griping it. The charms on the end of dog paws and a dog tag showed that it was his.

He stared up at Martyn.

The other big dog's eyes were wide and tears were brimming in his eyes.

"Jimmy!" He finally spoke again, clutching the sword and pulling it out. He went digging through chests for the spare bandages they had around. Jimmy wouldn't die from blood loss but he was close with it in his stomach. "Eat!" He threw food into his hands, urging him while he started wrapping up the stomach wound that was already starting to close.

"M-Martyn," the other looked up briefly, terror and fear in his eyes.

"Eat!" He begged again, wrapping the bandage as tight as he could. He then proceeded to mutter a chant, one that Jimmy recognized.

He felt the heart appear on his wrist.

"No, you should have saved it for someone else!" Jimmy cried out, eyes wide as he dug his fingernails into his wrist in a fruitless effort to return it back.

"Jimmy! No!" Martyn cried, sobs finally taking over his body. "You deserve it too!"

"No, I just need to die, it can be over after I die," Jimmy cried as well, the thoughts returning tenfold after the failed attempt. It screamed for more. More.

He moved to leave but Martyn tackled him to the ground, Jimmy hitting his head to the ground. He groaned and Martyn apologized for a second.

"Get off!" Jimmy screamed, struggling.

Martyn shook his head. "It's for your own good, I can't!"

The door suddenly burst open and they both looked up. Grian looked confused and panicked.

"Grian! He tried to kill himself, give a heart!" Martyn begged.

The admin nodded his head quickly, chanting his own enchantment. Jimmy cried out as another heart appeared on his bloody wrist. The thoughts got worse.

"Please, just let me die!" He cried out, feeling pain overtake him just as much as the thoughts did.

Rumbling in the distance made all of them stop.

With that distraction, Jimmy pushed Martyn off of him with newfound strength, racing out of Baxter. They were yelling for him.

From the top of the dune, Jimmy could see commotion and hear screams echo. A large monster towered above the server members.

A warden.

"Jimmy!" He turned, seeing Grian stumbling out of the house and heading his way.

Jimmy jumped into the dog bowl and ran to the distant chaos.

--------

Many don't remember seeing Jimmy in the area and few only caught a brief glimpse of him as he went racing to the Warden. Everyone heard his laughter though.

The thoughts slowed down as he got near the danger, echoing quiet praises.

He stood there as the Warden got closer, throwing his friends around and making the world go black.

He smiled as the warden's sonic shriek threw him into the air. The real damage would be hitting the ground.

Like before, the thoughts were erased and everything felt like clouds. As if pain never existed in the first place.

You don't want to die.

Jimmy's eyes widened. He didn't, did he? He went through all the pain of telling Martyn and Grian but he just wasted that, right? If he had kept to himself, he would have been able to die peacefully like this. But he didn't?

Everything was confusing. It felt nice dying like this but he was scared just a few hours ago. Why was everything changing?

You DON'T want to die.

Maybe he didn't, maybe he did.

It didn't matter because he hit the ground seconds later, body erupting in violet pain for a milisecond.

-------

Grian's throat clenched up as he saw the death message. He saw people confused in chat but he didn't care.

He fell to his knees. This was it. His brother was dead.

This wasn't another game where Jimmy died first. There wasn't a promise that he would be on the other side of this all.

He screamed, a gut aching scream that tore his throat apart.

Dead.

Jimmy might possibly be dead.

Who was he kidding, his brother was screaming for his own death only minutes prior. He was aching for it, begging for it.

There was no hope.

-------

Jimmy's eyes opened.

The Watchers looked on in mild amusement and anger.

"The Canary is supposed to die first. Why did a mere mortal take your place?" One of them echoed. They looked eerily like the Secret Keeper.

Jimmy realized his mind was blank of all the painful thoughts he had. No longer there to torment him.

"You did this, didn't you?" He bit back sharply, jaw clenched.

They shrugged. "I guess you can say that. We were only trying to motivate you."

"Into dying?" His voice was filled with shock. It was unbelievable.

"Yes, we cannot have you living further. This is a warning." If they had a mouth, Jimmy bet they would be smirking. "Although we were a bit concerned. If you died by suicide, you never would have made it. We had to force you."

"To want to live?" Jimmy asked again but he knew the answer. If they hadn't convinced him in those last moments, he would be dead. Officially. It was a risk for the Watchers, losing one of their favorite pawns in the game but also wanting him to follow by their rules.

He felt sick.

"I hear your warning and I accept it." He nodded his head in assurance of so. He might not be so lucky next time and he can't take that chance.

---------

Grian had been going through his tasks blearly.

He didn't care what day it was or who had died. It didn't matter. Jimmy was dead.

He contacted Lizzie immediately and she didn't see him. He was gone and there was no response that indicated he made it to the afterlife.

The next session timed on and he pulled his book out.

Secret Task - Normal

He read it briefly. Something about a ghost returning. Well, if it was Lizzie, he could tell her face to face what had happened to their little brother. If it was Mumbo, he could do with the company.

But he wasn't expecting the ghost to appear in front of him.

A taller figure with ripped clothing appeared, short hair and a spectral vibrancy about him.

"Grian?"

His body froze at the voice. "You-" he paused, tears running down his cheeks. "This has to be a sick joke-"

"It's not. I'm alive." The ghost of his brother spoke. A purple halo was above his head, a few more around his arms and chest. Wings of an angel, not of a canary, were on his back.

"I thought you died... how?" He asked voice soft.

"The Watchers. They punished me for not dying first." Jimmy spoke softly, singular eye crinkling in sadness. "Put those thoughts in my head. They needed me to die early so they forced me to kill myself. Right as I was dying, they urged the thoughts away. They can't let someone like me die." He shook his head.

"Lizzie didn't say you made it to the afterlife though..."

"I didn't," Jimmy sighed. "They locked me up for misbehaving. They only brought me back here on the inbetween to cheer you up. It isn't fun for them any other way."

Grian wrapped his arms around himself, quiet. He couldn't help but think back to his little brother begging to die with a large bandage around his midsection from where he stabbed himself. It was just....

"Jimmy... do you feel suicidal now?" His brother flinched but he shook his head.

"No, not anymore. They returned my head back to normal I guess."

"You aren't lying to me, are you?" Grian asked again, eyes damp.

His brother looked sad. "I wish I could give you a hug right now to prove I'm not lying.... tell you what, I will give you one when I see you again, alright?"

Grian wiped his eyes. "You owe me cuddles. I'm not letting you go ever."

Jimmy's eye mellowed out. "I believe you on that."

Author note: idk the ending was rushed but i like the premise. If you cant tell, i made it so after lizzie's death, the watchers cursed Jimmy into wanting to die so he would be the next one out. The watchers werent expecting him to be honest about it so they tried to push harder by granting his next task as his final death and then providing some relief as he dies. It backfired once again when he started to enjoy it and those thoughts became less of a curse. In a last ditch effort, they had to force him into wanting to live so he wouldnt be permanently dead. It worked. However, it made grian severely depressed which led to his task of having an angel watxhing out for him. This angel was Jimmy. The description is how I view all of the angels after they die within the lives games, gaining purple halos everywhere like biblically accurate angels and then a singular eye, no mouth. They watch over the world but jimmy was locked away. For the task he was brought to a plane of existence that was closer to the mortal world yet still on the brink of death.