Song: All I Want/Kodaline
Characters: Bucky, Ambriel, and some others
!!Warning!!: Mention of themes such as self-harm, sex, rape, drugs, and alcohol

~~~~~~~~~~~

Bucky had always ruined almost everything he touched.

His life had been on a never ending downwards sloop up until he got sober. But lately it's all been falling apart again.

That was, until he met him. Sure they were just friends, drinking buddies if you will.

Things escalated.

He knew he shouldn't have been grown attached.

It was all just a Friends with benefits situation. Nothing else.

But he just couldn't help to fall for those eyes. And his smell and the way he seemed to care. The way he smiled...

He was in love with him. Every aspect of him. From his perfections to his imperfections.

But sometimes, he wondered if he could ever be enough.

Bucky sat in the bed and staring out the window, the city lights illuminating the room.

He blew out the cigarette smoke as he turned to the other male in the bed, having a blank stare on his face.

Gil laid asleep in the bee next to him, some bottles scattered around the room.

But Bucky didn't sleep. At least, not until both his mind and body were exhausted. And right now, both were wide awake.

Bucky sighed and put out the cigarette, staring at the small alarm clock on the nightstand. 12:30.

He laid down and adjusted the blankets, trying to get comfortable so he could attempt to get some sleep.

He rolled over and faced away from the window, scanning the sleeping face next to him. He looked peaceful, the moonlight reflecting off of him nicely...

Bucky reached a hand out, brushing some of his hair out of Gil's face as he took in the features of his face.

He felt his body relax, the previous tension lifting from his shoulders as he felt the drowsiness take over.

"I love you..." He mumbled softly, knowing that he wouldn't have heard him.

Bucky flinched when he felt Gil stir, moving his hand away from his face as he stared at him in fear. Who knows what he'd do if he had heard him...

Bucky felt time freeze as he stared into Gil's beautiful grey-blue eyes...

Gil raised a brow as he watched him. "You should be asleep..."

Bucky gave a half assed smile. "I couldn't sleep..."

He felt the other male shift the blankets, bring one hand and running it through his hair softly. "Get some sleep, Bucky..."

Bucky let the tension fade away from him, leaning against the warm hand. "Yeah i will..."

Nothing more than friends...

Interactions at school were strange. Bucky never had many friends, if any. He only just had the one or two at his school. His other friends didn't go to the same school due to districts.

Which was stupid, but it was fine. They only just lived in different neighborhoods and went to different schools.

No biggie. Because he still had friends here.

Amber was the only one he'd relatively call close. Of course she wasn't someone he would confine in for anything. Just a casual friend.

Someone who would make the days during school entertaining, but otherwise he wouldn't interact with outside of those grounds.

Some other people were there, but he didn't know them. He didn't have friends at this school. Just... people that seemed to easily manipulate him.

Bucky was sat at an outside lunch table, a cigarette in his hand as he scrolled through his phone.

At the table were the usual people he knew were always there. The blonde girl, the ponytail guy, and Amber. And sometimes some other brunette guy, but today he wasn't there.

They were all friends of hers, but he didn't bother learning their names. Its not like he talked to them or anything. Except the brunette guy he knew from some other friends.

Alexander or some other.

Bucky adjusted the volume on his headphones, tapping his foot against the concrete floor anxiously.

The cigarette was letting off some stress, but not enough. He missed getting high...

"Bucky, you listening dude?" Was what he heard, slightly muffled through the music in his ears.

Bucky looked up, moving his headphones and raising a brow at Amber. "What..?"

"I need your opinion. Do you think i should confess to the guy i like?"

Bucky looked at her confused. Why the hell is she asking something like that to him. "And who is the guy?"

"Gil."

The single worst thing he could've heard her say. Panic started to set in his chest, but he always kept a calm exterior.

"Um... Whatever you want, sure..."

Amber was content with the answer given to her, and left Bucky alone for the rest of the time, which he was entirely okay with.

He didn't realize that this could end up being such a bad decision. But he never thought over his decisions once they were made.

That may be why he fucked over his life so much.

The day had dragged on for longer than he was comfortable with. He didn't know why today felt so off, it just did.

Heading out of the building as the clock struck 2, head hung low and bag over his shoulder, Bucky headed to the nearly empty parking lot to get in his truck and leave.

"Bucky."

At the mention of his name, he froze. Turning around slowly he was met face to face with the person he was, almost slightly, hoping he didn't run into.

"Hey, Gil." He said, hoping his voice didn't waver in the slightest.

"So... Amber told me about her feelings."

Bucky raised a brow, his sunglasses masking any pain in his eyes. "Why should i care...?"

He knew every reason why he should care. Because they wouldn't have those drunken nights anymore.

Bucky knew he should care because he wouldn't get to hear his laugh when he said anything remotely funny.

He wouldn't get to have the long, night conversations where he got to see that beautiful sparkle in Gil's eyes when he talked about the things he loved. The things he wanted to do.

Because he loved him more than he loved anything else.

"Because I know you love me too."

Bucky gripped the strap of his bag, fear setting in to the pit of his stomach.

He had heard him that night...

"You weren't supposed to hear that-"

"But i did."

"So what are you going to do about that then?" He asked, breathing out in slight fear.

"Well I uh... I guess I have to, make a choice?" He answered, a bit nervous it seemed.

"Make a choice? How could it be so hard to choose between two people?" Bucky asked, a little angry.

And then it hit him.

"Unless... You have feelings for both of us..."

Bucky watched him carefully, just knowing from his body language that he was right.

And Bucky was in danger.

"This is. So wrong. On so many levels. But yeah, go-go ahead. Make a choice.." Bucky said, growing angrier by the second.

He unlocking his truck and threw his bag in, staring down at the French boy he loved more than he cared to admit.

"Let me know who you chose." He said, getting in and turning the truck on.

Gil stepped out of the way of the truck as Bucky drove off and headed home.

This was all a disaster. Bucky could feel that it would be.

But like every other disaster in his life, he ignored it until it consumed his entire being.

As he pulled up into his driveway, he sat in his car. The heavy smell of smoke in the car consuming his senses as he fought the ever growing urge to cry.

Nothings happened yet. Why is he being a baby... Bucky never cried over anyone. Ever.

Because he's never been in the position to get his heart broken. Over someone he's fallen deeply in love with.

Bucky breathed in and out deeply, pulling himself together as best he could and getting out of the truck.

He sped walked through his house, avoiding the questions from his mother and his sister.

He slapped the door to his room shut and dropped his bag on the floor next to his desk, letting out a shaky breath.

He was beginning to lose the little control he had over his emotions.

It had all pilled up from the whole day. The anxiety of it seeming too long, and the stress of dealing with it all. And now this.

He could already begin to hear the little voice in his head, the taunting little voice that always seemed to control him.

Bucky tried to ignore it, walking into his bathroom to get rid of this disgusting feeling.

He closed the door and started running the bath, staring into his mirror as he took in every feature on his face.

Every imperfection he could find, every little mistake.

He looked into his eyes, the darkest brown of swirling pools of dark chocolate.

He reached up and wiped away the tears, letting out those shaky breaths and breathing in.

Stripping down of his clothes, Bucky stared at the cuts on his body. The little imperfections he left behind.

Faded, but still there. Haunting.

He sat in the warm bath water, feeling himself slightly relaxing but the tension never completely broke.

Bucky reached for his hidden razor, staring at it as the silent tears slipped down his face.

He leaned against the cold bath wall, eyes closed and blade in the water...

The next few three days were like a blur for him. He sat through his first few periods of the day, getting to lunch and sitting by himself despite not wanting to be alone.

But that was the thing. He had no one. No friends to feel the empty feeling around him.

Not someone who actually wanted him around.

As the day turned to the afternoon and the bell rang to dismiss everyone, he was starting to feel that uneasy feeling sinking in.

That feeling of inescapable doom. He was starting to feel sick and he knew. He just knew.

As he stalked to his car, head hung low to avoid anyone since he was really not in the mood for socializing, he saw him.

Leaning against his truck, the only person who could make his heart beat faster than it ever did.

Bucky gulped and breathed deeply. "Gil."

The raven haired male turned to the small Italian, a gentle look on his face. "Bucky."

"What can I do for you?" Bucky asked, trying to hide the shakiness in his voice.

Gil breathed in and out softly, biting his lip slightly. "I um... I made my choice."

Bucky froze, glad now that he had his shades on. "Oh um... O-Okay... So uh, who-who'd you.. pick...?"

"I um... I'm sorry, Bucky, but I... I have to go with Amber, she's just... A lot better for me."

Bucky couldn't deny that he felt his heart shatter. He wasn't... good enough...

"I uh... Y-Yeah, no i um... I get it..." He mumbled, stuffing his hands in his pocket.

Don't cry, don't cry, don't cry-

"Bucky I'm so so sorry-"

"Can you move? You're blocking my truck and I need to get home." Bucky said quickly, the anxiety in his chest and stomach intensifying.

"Oh... yeah..." Gil muttered, stepping aside. "I uh... I guess this is goodbye?"

"Yeah. Um... Bye." Bucky said, still refusing to look up at him.

He faintly heard Gil's faint goodbye as he watched him leave. He opened his truck, slamming his door shut and dropping his bag on the seat next to him.

He gripped the wheel of his truck tightly, shaking as he struggled to get a grip on his emotions.

Don't cry, don't cry, don't cry, don't cry...

Bucky drove him, the nausea building up in his stomach, the headache pounding behind his eyes.

His knuckles were turning white from how hard he was gripping the steering wheel, but all he had in his mind was don't cry, don't cry, don't cry...

As he pulled up into his driveway, he could feel himself slowly beginning to lose the little control he had.

He let his grip loosen as he grabbed his bag, stumbling out of his car and rushing into his house.

Bucky faintly heard the greetings from his family, the concerned 'are you okay, sweetie?' and the 'everything alright?' from his sister and his mother.

He ignored it as he rushed up the stairs to his room, leaving behind a bundle of worried faces.

Bucky slammed the door to his room shut, throwing his bag at a corner of the room ad he stood completely still.

The room remained silent for a while before it began to be filled with choked sobs.

Bucky fell to his knees, tears streaming down his face as he let out everything he had been holding in.

His heart felt so heavy... his chest ached so much, he had never felt such pain.

Bucky leaned his head against the wall behind him, shaking as he let out pained cries. He knew they could hear him, but he didn't care...

He just let out all those tears, those painful sobs and cries...

Bucky felt his chest tighten, his hands holding tightly to his hair as he tried to make the feeling go away.

Make it go away, make it go away, make it-

Bucky tensed when he saw the door open out of the corner of his eye, fully turning his head and staring at the figure in his doorway.

He struggled with his breathing, the panic attack forming taking over all his senses.

Bucky finally managed to squeak out a broken and heartbreaking "mama" as the gentle woman rushed over and sat down next to her son.

"What happened, sunshine?" She asked softly, her voice cracking and her heart breaking at the sight of him.

Bucky poured his heart out to her, the words coming out broken. The shock of it all kept him repeating words.

He couldn't keep his tone even, gasping out words and sobbing quietly as his mother pulled him close.

This was how it was for the next two hours, his mother rocking her second baby as he let his broken heart bleed out all he was keeping in.

She sat at the edge of the bed while Bucky laid on his bed. It was comforting, having her there...

She ran her fingers through his hair soothingly, the blonde sniffling as he wiped away the last stray tears.

"Why, mama..." he whispered sadly, staring at the empty spot between his dresser and his door.

"Why what, sweetheart?" She asked, looking at him with a gently, sad smile.

"Why wasn't i good enough for him...?" He asked, his voice so soft and broken. She wanted to hurt whoever hurt her son so badly.

Her sweet angel...

"Sweetie, some people just aren't worth it." She said honestly, the sad tone to her voice causing him to curl up and let out a small cry.

"But i love him, mama... I love him so much, it hurts..." Bucky cried, clutching onto the sheets of his bed. "Why wasn't i good enough..."

She only let out a gentle sigh as she continued to move her fingers through his hair.

She stopped, standing up and looking at him with a broken-hearted glance. "I'm gonna make dinner, if you feel up to it please come down and eat okay...?"

Bucky only responded with a quiet sure, not really sparing her a glance as he kept his gaze on the wall.

As soon as Bucky heard the click of door closing, he slowly lifted his body of the bed.

All the crying had drained him of any energy he had, the panic attack had flooded and taken over any emotion he had.

He just felt numb now... Numb and alone.

Six months left till graduation. Almost two months since Gil made his choice.

Bucky hadn't been dealing with anything well. His panic attacks came and went whenever they felt like it, his drinking habits only got worse, and the amount of cigarette packs he carried became almost two a day.

There was this itchy feeling inside him that just wouldn't go away however... An itching... to get high...

Bucky was at the lunch table he was always at, even now that it hurt to be anywhere near Amber.

His prized sketch book was open to a new clean page, his headphones playing music up to as high as the volume was allowed to go.

Bucky was completely drowned out in his own world, trying not to bother himself with the other conversations happening around him.

Especially Amber's.

Bucky felt his headphones be slightly removed from his ears, looking up to see the culprit.

"Why don't you talk with us? You are always so quiet." Amber said, holding on to Bucky's headphones.

She wasn't giving them back any time soon. And now he had to endure this endless torture.

Amber sat down between the blonde and other guy, setting his headphones down on the table.

Bucky had to continue to draw and listen to Amber talk on and on about Gil to her two best friends.

It was painful.

"Ya know, you're a really attractive guy, Bucky."

He froze, his grip on his pencil tightening slightly. Please don't...

"Why are you single? You could get anyone you wanted."

Bucky squeezed his eyes shut, biting his bottom lip as he tried to control his emotions.

"Well uh... There's this guy i like... But um, I wasn't good enough for him, so..." He said, keeping his voice as even as he could.

The blonde girl frowned slightly as she watched him, "I'm sorry. He was probably not worth it anyway, that was a mean move."

"Yeah what a dick." Amber said, looking at him with a rather pissed look.

'If only you knew we were talking about your boyfriend...' Bucky thought as he went back to drawing.

He quickly stopped however, closing the notebook as the sound of the bell rang throughout the school.

He yanked his headphones out of Amber's grab on his way past her, not wanting to be near her presence a second longer.

It would be hard to avoid her though since they had art together.

The class dragged on for what felt to Bucky like eternity. He just wanted to get out of there and go home.

Where he can cry all he wanted.

And maybe drink till he blacks out, but it all depends on how quickly he can get home. And how soon he can sneak out.

As soon as that bell rung to dismiss everyone, he was out the door like flash. Books in hand, stuffing everything within his bag.

He stopped in his tracks as he saw them, just loitering around.

God, he hated them.

He looked so happy...

Bucky's muscles tensed, his jaw clenching as he decided to go out a different way.

He can't stand to see them together...

Walking out of one of the entrances, Bucky had to resist the urge to break down right then and there.

And then that smell hit him.

It was all too familiar, like recognizing the smell of your grandparents house or of that one candle store you always pass by.

"Well hey there, freckles." Came a voice that sounded oddly comforting, a thick accent lacing his words that he couldn't place.

Bucky recognized the guy. He was a new kid at the beginning of the year, and it was obvious by the way he dressed and the way he held himself that, 1)He moved and 2)He definitely did not want to be there.

He knew the guy for always being in detention half of the time and charming his way into peoples beds.

It was probably the accent.

Bucky eyed the weed in their hands, staring at the group of misfits. So this is were they went when they skipped class.

Seems fitting.

"Nice to see your as rebel as ever, Callen." Bucky murmured, staring at him with a look in his eyes that showed that he was trying, oh so very hard, not to be tempted.

God, it would help so much. Just to get high...

"Mmhmm. So what's a little golden boy like you doing back here?" Callen asked, raising a brow at him.

Bucky slightly glared at the little nickname. Golden boy. He wasn't that perfect. Far from it.

He eyed the weed with a longing in his eyes. Every nerve in his body fighting for control.

'Do it. It'll feel so nice again, to just let go and have it back.'

'No! Remember the struggle we had getting it out of our life? It's not worth it.'

Every voice, every thought, every decision Bucky made swimming through his mind. It was all so infuriating.

It was giving him a headache, just trying to fight everything. But damn it. It would help.

So fuck it.

What did he have to lose?

"You got any left?"

Four months left till Graduation, four months since Gil made his choice.

A choice that, despite his best efforts, left Bucky in ruins.

Bucky had been doing okay for the most part. Four months seemed okay, he was doing fine everything was okay.

Or so he told himself.

He made friends with what people call, the druggies of every school. His addictions came back skyrocketing.

Why confront your issues when alcohol and drugs can make you feel better?

And so there he sat, on a lonely balcony of a worn out apartment building.

It's where the gang hung out, but today it was just him. He loved watching the stars at midnight...

It was his and Gil's thing...

Cigarette smoke surrounded him as he scrolled through his photos, all images of Gil and videos he would secretly record.

He always said he was going to draw him, the images would serve as his muse and he could turn to them for reference.

He set the phone down, leaning his head back against the wall as he watched the sky illuminating by the light of the moon.

He much preferred the light of the sun as it rose at early morning.

"Well hey there, sunny boy." The all too familiar voice rang up behind him.

Bucky turned to look over his shoulder, staring at the country bum.

"Braer."

"Oh how disappointing. I thought we were better friends than that."

Bucky scoffed and brought the cigarette to lips, "You just supply me with weed. Nothing more."

He could practically hear the smirk tugging at the lips of the other male.

"Well how about some high quality alcohol?"

Bucky glanced at him and back out the balcony, "Yeah, why the hell not."

The two sat and drank away, not enough to be drunk but not completely sober.

They were still fairly conscious about their decisions.

Bucky leaned against a wall still watching out at the stars through the balcony window.

"You always lookin so dark and gloomy. Makes sunny boy a complete waste, gonna need a new one." Callen mumbled, leaning back against a wall and watching Bucky.

Power hungry eyes linger a little too long.

Bucky shrugged. "I've always been like this I can't recall a time I wasn't..." Yes he could.

When he was with Gil.

But he couldn't say that to him, now could he.

"Well. You're ruining the mood. We'll have to fix that now won't we." Callen said, making his way over to Bucky.

"What...?" Bucky turned to look at Callen, confusion in his eyes soon turned fo fear as he was pushed up against the wall behind him.

"C-Callen, don't. Stop."

The energy became sour, he could feel it. The anxiety, the fear pooling in his chest.

He was in danger and he couldn't do anything to stop it.

"Maybe under all the baggy clothes you actually have a nice body."

"Callen, stop!! Please, just let me go!!-"

A hand gripped at his face and covered his mouth, Bucky's cries and pleas for help muffled.

"Remember we aren't supposed to be here. So keep your mouth shut."

Bucky closed his eyes, the tears streaming down his face.

He didn't want this, this wasn't at all what he wanted...

Two months left till graduation. Six since Gil made his decision. Two since that unfortunate event with Callen.

And it didn't end there. Callen made it Bucky's new way to pay for the weed he got him.

With his body.

It made him sick and at this point, there wasn't anything Bucky could do about it.

Callen was stronger and wouldn't hesitate to hurt him further if he even tried anything.

So Bucky had to endure it all.

And tonight, he just wanted a little fresh air, just try and get out of his head.

But it was just everywhere. Any time he went on his social media there it was.

People congratulating them for six months.

Strolling down the streets of the homey town, he hung his head low. Raining was pouring above him and he had stupidly not brought an umbrella.

That and he just came out of a sheltered alleyway where he was drinking.

He stopped and leaned against a wall, sinking down to the floor and pulling his knees to his chest.

He felt so lost...

Everything seemed to just get worse. Someone didn't like him enough to ruin his whole life it seemed...

Bucky suddenly felt a presence and the rain stop pitter pattering against his head.

Glancing up he was meant a pair of piercing green eyes, the most caring and worrying look deep in them.

"Buck..?"

A smile formed on his face, a bittersweet one that could've easily been faked. "Hey, Jack..."

"What the hell are you doing out here in the rain?" The worry in his voice was so easily detected, it gave Bucky a sense of comfort..

"I was uh..." He muttered, trying to come up with a reasonable and believable lie. But nothing came to mind.

Jack let out a gentle sigh, frowning as he looked at the depressed male. "You've been drinking again haven't you...?"

Bucky winced at the disappointed tone in his voice. "Thats not all..." he mumbled, knowing fully well he'd disappointed him.

"What?"

"I've... Ive started doing drugs again...."

The long silence between the two of them was making Bucky anxious and it was not making him feel good..

He lowered his head in fear and closed his eyes, waiting for something, anything.

"Come on, get up."

Bucky's eyes shot wide open, staring up at Jack. "What...?"

Jack smiled sadly, taking his hand and pulling him up to his feet. "My house isn't that far. You can spend the night until you feel better.."

Bucky leaned into his warmth, glad to have it. "Y-Yeah okay..."

And so the two blondes had a small chat as they made there way to the Campbell home, chit chatting about everything that had happened.

Jack unlocked the door, stepping inside carefully as he held on to Bucky.

It had now come to his attention how fragile his friend was...

Bucky was always... Radiating light. Like a little walking ball of sunshine. And now. He looked grey and dull.

Like someone stole his light.

"Come on, up we go.." Jack mumbled, helping Bucky up to his room. The shorter blonde just leaned on to him, barely having any control on his body and emotions.

He just wanted to shut down and feel nothing...

"There we go, buddy.." Jack whispered soothingly, sitting Bucky on his bed. "You doing alright...?"

"I... I don't know.." Bucky mumbled sadly, genuinely sounding like he was completely lost.

Jack felt his heart ache. What the hell happened to him?

"Alright.. Let's get you out of these clothes."

Bucky's eyes widened as he looked up at Jack, suddenly coming to live in a fearful way. "N-No, its fine I uh I can stay like this.."

Jack had a suspicious look on his face. "Buck, you'll get sick. Just, take your clothes off and ill let you borrow some of mine."

Bucky was literally shaking, fear injecting itself into his very bone.

Jack turned to look at the Italian, noticing he hadn't said anything in a while. "I'll wait for as long as I need to, but I'm not gonna let you get sick."

Bucky knew he couldn't avoid it, Jack can be very persistent.

He slipped off his jacket, letting the wet of clothing hit the floor. With shaky hands, he lifted up his shirt over his head, letting it fall on the floor next to his jacket.

"Bucky... Holy fuck... W-What- What happened to you?"

Bucky bit his lip, his whole body now trembling in fear. His skin, his beautiful freckle coated caramel skin, was also covered head to toe, in god awful bruises and cuts.

The bruises would range from all colors, purple, blue, black, some already healing, some new.

And all the cuts and scratches everywhere. He looked like he was being abused...

"J-Just.. its nothing, please just... don't worry about it..." Bucky whispered, fear etched into his words and tears starting to form in his eyes.

"No, Bucky. This is- What the fuck happened?" Jack asked, his tone getting louder and more angrier by the second.

"Jack I said don't worry about it okay.." Bucky whimpered, voice shaking as he gripped the edge of the bed and tears now spilling down his face.

He can't find out, he couldn't... He didn't know what would happen but it would be bad...

"Why? Was it someone? Did someone do this to you?" At this point his voice was filled with pure rage.

Bucky nodded slowly, lip quivering as he tried to keep his tears quiet.

Jack knelt down in front of Bucky and cupped his face in his hands, gently lifting it up and staring into his chocolate brown eyes with his own mossy green ones.

"Just tell me who did this to you..." Jack whispered, silently pleading with him. "Please, I can't stand seeing you hurt..."

Bucky was sobbing at this point, the two best friends just pouring their hearts out. He just wanted so deeply to accept his help, but there was nothing he could do.

"I-I can't, Jack," Bucky whimpered, hiccuping slightly between tears, "I can't say anything, I can't risk him hurting you too..."

The two sat for a long silence, Bucky's small sniffling being the only noise apart from the muffled rain from outside.

"Alright... Okay, let's just... try to lighten the mood then... But just... Know that you can trust me..."

Bucky smiled softly, leaning his forehead against Jack's and breathing deeply. "Yeah of course i trust you..."

Jack smiled and nodded, getting up from the floor.

Bucky watched him walk around to a small dresser and pull out a t-shirt and boxers.

"Here, go shower and clean yourself up.. You can borrow this for now."

Bucky smiled gently and took the clothes into his hands carefully. "Alright, thank you..."

Jack smiled and nodded. "Yeah, no problem.."

As Jack was about to head out of the room to let Bucky shower and change, the broken male reached a hand out to him.

"Wait, Jack..."

"Yeah?"

Bucky stared at him with such a confused and intrigued look. "You're... perfect boyfriend Material. Why are you still single...?"

Jack only gave a slightly sad smile. "Ah well. There's a girl i like. But she's taken."

"Oh. I-I'm sorry.."

"No it's alright. Now hurry and shower so we can watch some movies."

Bucky smiled and nodded, letting the other male leave as he stared down at the clothes in his hands, glancing slightly at the torture marks on his body.

Today was a good day... He needed today.

Two weeks till graduation. Who knows how long ago that bitch made the choice, but at this point he was too numb to care.

Bucky pushed open the door of the motel and stumbled in, tears staining his face.

He couldn't be home now and going to Jack would hurt too much, so he went to the next best place to be.

A stingy motel in the downtown.

He was drunk, the keys in his hand slipping out of his fingers and onto the floor as he made his way into the bathroom.

He couldn't feel anything. His body felt heavy and yet light, not having control of his limps as he slumped against the bathroom sink.

Bucky stared at his reflection, his sickly pale skin and the awful dark circles under his eyes. Those blood shot eyes.

He was high, it was fairly obvious to see, his world distorted as he tried to focus on one thing. Anything other than that. That heartbroken feeling his chest that he never shook off.

And that disgusting feeling that tainted his body. It never went away, not after what Callen had done to him time and time again.

He was sweating bullets, a shaky hand pushing his hair out of his face. He forced in a shaky breath and out, coming out as a choked sob.

God, he looked terrible. Sick and disgusting... What happened to him...?

He chuckled darkly as he stared at his reflection until he just couldn't see himself anymore.

How pathetic was he, letting someone ruin him so deeply.

He tried to push himself up, falling onto the floor, wincing slightly at the hard impact.

He only laughed, tears streaming down his face at the same time. So much was wrong.

He felt too little and too much, his breathing only becoming more labored as his laughter turned to sobs.

He reached for a random alcohol bottle near him, his hand gripping onto it and the other pushing through his hair.

Fuck him. Fuck all of them... He didn't... He didn't need them.

Bucky gulped softly and licked his lips, pushing himself onto his shaky legs and stumbling back into the dark room, falling onto the floor and leaning against the bed.

He stared up at the ceiling, feeling his nerves shaking and the feeling in his chest only causing more pain.

He reached a hand into his pocket, pulling out his phone and checking the time. 12:30.

He should... He should be star gazing.

He stared at the bright screen, not sure what to do as his fingers subconsciously made their way to Instagram.

Scrolling and scrolling. They looked so happy together...

Bucky felt anger pooling which quickly only fueled every other emotion he was feeling.

He exited the app, going into a different one.

He lingered there for a second, before he clicked it, bringing the phone to his ear as he listened to the ringing.

"Hey, Jack here. If I'm not picking at the moment, I may be busy. Leave a message and I'll get back to you as soon as i can."

Bucky gulped as he heard the beeping noise, breathing out slightly. "H-Hey, Jack... I um I know your sleeping and all but i just..."

He was nervous, but what for?

"I wanted to let you know that you are the beat friend I could've ever asked for... I know it's been a while since the last time we hung out, i promise to change that."

He said, biting his lip and closing his eyes. "I need you to find someone for me," He whispered, fear in his voice, "His name is Callen Braer. Tell him... Tell him Bucky sent you..."

Bucky didn't know what he was saying at this point, he only let the words flow.

"A-Anyway, sorry for bothering you so early or late... whatever uh... See ya later..."

Bucky let the message send and ended the call, grabbing his bottle and drinking some more.

His head was feeling fuzzy, but whatever.

He called the next person. Straight to voicemail.

"This is Augustine Hawthorne, please leave a message after the beep."

Of course his mother would have such a simple voicemail.

"Hey, mamma. Sorry for, calling you so early i guess..." God this hurt. He was... such a disappointment.

"I just wanted to let you know that... That i love you, mom. And dad, and Felix and Bella. And I'm sorry... For being such a shitty brother and an even worse son... You deserved better..."

The warm tears spilled down his face, the feeling of his mother's warm embrace making feel even worse.

"Please... take care of Aphrodite for me okay...? I don't want her to go hungry..."

Bucky closed his eyes, picturing his family and hoping they could still be the happy family they were without him.

"I love you, mama..."

And with that, he hung up. He placed the phone down, wiping away at his tears that kept flowing, trying to control his breathing.

He needed to... to come clean. He needed some closure...

He picked the phone back up, scrolling through the contacts and picking the name out of the many others.

The ringing. And then voicemail.

"Hello? *pause* just kidding bitch, leave a message"

Bucky chuckled softly.

"So um, hey... Been a while... Forgot that was your voicemail..."

Bucky didn't know what else to say, what did he want to say to her...

Too much. And not enough at the same time.

He breathed in shakily, it possibly being loud enough to be heard through the phone.

"I'm... not going to make this long. I just need you to do one thing for me. Just one..."

He felt the tears beginning to build up again and he breathed in and built up the courage.

"Please don't hurt him. Don't ever, ever treat him like he doesn't deserve all the fucking love in the world. I want you, to be there for him and make him the happiest guy in the world... Love him like there's no tomorrow, because i sure fucking would have... Just take care of him for me... So, thank you a-and goodbye..."

Bucky hung up, feeling all his emotions just continue to build up inside him. This was hard, this was too hard.

Fuck. Fuck this.

He closed his eyes and for a second, all his senses flooding with memories of Gil.

Every time he inhaled, the smell of alcohol was replaced with Gil's sweet lavender scent.

He could faintly hear the sound of his laughter, his voice ringing in his ears.

His fingers tingled slightly, missing the feeling of Gil's skin under his finger tips.

Fuck, what was he doing?

Before he could argue with himself, he was already dialing Gil's number, waiting for the ringing to stop and either hear that voice that he loved so much or the voicemail.

"Sorry, you've reached Sexy. If you're looking for more, dial [other number totally not for hookups] if you're actually looking for Gabriel and I've not scared you off by now, leave a message after the tone."

Bucky laughed, a little wheeze coming from him as he laughed through the tears.

"That i... I wasn't expecting that..."

He calmed down slightly, a smile on his sickly face.

"I... I really miss your voice..."

Bucky gulped, feeling his heart heavy. Why did he think he could do this?

"I was hoping i could get to hear your voice one last time... Rather than your voicemail, but this works..."

Who was he kidding. Just hearing the voicemail was sending him spiraling into an anxiety attack.

Well... no turning back. He tilted his head back and downed the rest of the bottle, throwing it on the floor.

"Look, I'm... not going to sugarcoat this," the warm tears continuing streaming,"I... I miss you... And i love you."

He was shaking down, closing his eyes from his vision being too blurry. "I love you so much that it hurts... It hurts so much... To know that, I wasn't good enough..."

His voice was broken, barely above a whisper.

"But i um... I hope you are happy... Even if... Even if it's not with me."

Bucky sucked in a breathe, laughing softly. "It's 12... We usually star gaze at this time..."

He bit his lip, trying to silence his cries. "I miss you... It's not fair... But i guess it's what happens when you aren't enough huh..."

His hands were shaking. What was wrong...? He didn't... He didn't feel right...

"But um... It's goodbye now i guess. i just wanted to let you that I love you... More than you could ever imagine... And i hope... life treats you with kindness... Goodbye, Gil..."

With that last somber, he hung up, letting the phone drop on the floor.

Bucky lifted himself onto the bed, his weak arms making it difficult for him to hold his weight.

God he felt so tired...

He curled up into a ball, one hand wrapped around his stomach and the other gripping at the pillow beneath his head.

He felt so sick, what the hell was wrong with him...

Bucky kept his eyes closed, shaking as he felt tears streaming down his face. And suddenly, he felt a hand caress his face.

His eyes shot open, tired eyes gazing into silver ones. A gentle smile crossed the face of the other.

Bucky could feel his heart pounding in his chest, his body not responding correctly to anything he did.

Like he was frozen. But he could feel all the shaking...

"Gil...?"

"You look tired..." He spoke, hand running softly through Bucky's hair. "Rest, mon amour."

Bucky began to hyperventilate slightly, gulping and nodding slowly, eyes still fixed on Gil's.

"I-I... Y-yeah okay.... sleep, sounds good..."

"Yeah... Don't worry, you're safe in my arms..."

Bucky let the warmth of the illusion, the hallucination his mind had created for him of Gil lull him to sleep.

His vision going black and suddenly he felt nothing.

Nothing, but peace...

"I'm so sorry, miss. Your son, we did what we could with the limited time we were given."

"What... What happened to him-?"

"The cause of his death were multiple grand mal seizures and choking on vomit, caused by alcohol poisoning and recreational drugs in his system.."

"Oh my god... A-And there was nothing you could do...?"

"There was nothing we could do, ma'am. If only they had arrived sooner. I'm sorry for your loss..."

They all gathered around the grave of the lost angel, tears streaming down the faces of family and friends.

The grave was left with only one person standing over it, the text on the stone replaying in their mind over and over.

Bucky J. Hawthorne
2001-2020
"He never wanted to die alone."