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MENTIONS OF DEPRESSION
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The show had wrapped up production earlier, i can thank Lucifer for his need to put on a good act and needing to insert himself into each and every dangerous situation, Bobby only luckily had a bullet graze his arm which Lucifer set off.

The presenter, Sheila, wasn't too happy with the fact Bobby was nearly killed on air. It turns out Bobby did in fact steal the jokes from our victim JD, he based his entire career in the industry on stolen material, and he didn't know how to get out referring to the whole situation in a metaphorical 'Gold cuffs'. He stayed for the money and the fame that he earned. Now i am back at the station, in the debriefing space the station uses for meetings, reading printed copies of emails sent to Barry.

" I know what you're doing. Stop making fun of me, or else I'm going to stab you."

Lucifer read out loud, snorting at the lack of creativity these emails were, giggling each time he read a new one.

" Have to say these are the worst attempts of being threatening i have ever seen and read. At least do some research, take notes from the internet, gosh a simple haiku would suffice. It's like they were aiming to be this dreadfully bad and unoriginal." Lucifer is having a grand, old, time and I'd find it cute if the situation wasn't awful. " See?"

" The threats stopped, it seems like after J.D. posted his video, like complete radio silence. So strange." I muttered, re-reading the printed transcripts of the threats laid out before me on the wide table, resting an elbow on the surface. " It just.. stopped."

" Maybe the killer saw it and then realised he'd been threatening the wrong comedian the whole time?"

" And then our killer killed J.D, after realising he was the guy making fun of him 'cause after all Bobby did steal his jokes and our killer went after J.D, confronted him, made the kill. And i think once he realised what he had done to JD, the killer panicked and targeted Bobby."

The question remains is what is the joke, that is the initial trigger, which set him off? Lucifer spoke up, asking the question i said mentally, i leaned back in my seat. " So what's the joke he is so angry about? The killer has un-funny imaginary friends? You wanna swig, darling? I don't think you will get in trouble, for staying hydrated on the job?" Lucifer offered me some of his whisky, he hid in a flask. I declined with a wave of hand. I can't be seen doing that, the lieutenant would have my head for it, here.

" Originally the show, itself, is meant to be a lot more.. edgier. I was doing some research, for a few reasons personal and like work related. I'd later find out to be... well.. 'bout having trouble with his.." goodness I can't even say it, without wanting to chuckle and that is awful because it is an absolute valid insecurity. Lucifer grinned, wondering why I am taking long to say it, and I leaned forward covering my mouth. " With his micro penis. There I said it." He barked out an awfully loud laugh, I giggled at his reaction.

" Well then hold me closer, Tiny dongis. So you are saying we're looking for a needle in a penis stack?"

" Lucifer." I snorted, incredulously. " Anyway, I read that after it became a family show, the.. I don't even wanna say it again. Micro-penis got removed." I couldn't control the laughter and I let it out. I am immature, gosh. Lucifer must've thought I am losing my mind over the fact I'm openly laughing at his jokes. He chuckled, his hand lightly finding mine to give it a soft touch of a pinch to get me to stop, and I sobered up.

" I think we should consider this case closed. I just had what you may call an epiphany, of the sorts. Maybe we are looking at this incorrectly. Think about it, this is in fact a man who had a whole lot of his essence stolen and he is mad!"

" I don't think I follow, Luc."

" His tiny microscopic essence I mean, sure, but his essence nonetheless. So in actual fact, I think our killer is the victim here, darling."

'Right' I slowly nod, adding a soft 'Okay'. I am pretty sure that isn't what is going on but he's got the right idea. " much as I want to agree on that perspective, Luc, I don't know if that is the case here. I gotta these off to cyber see if they'd get anything off of the other emails." I tell him, despite how he sees cases and misconstrues an entire lead of evidences he gets it in the end.

' Thank goodness the day is finally ending after I am done here.'

~•~

In hindsight it's riveting to think I don't need to have the same sleep schedule, as any other human being required, but I enjoy the feeling I get of falling asleep and resting on a nice bed.

I didn't enjoy, however, the consistent terrors in my dreams. Reliving the day I was taken, shot, by Malcolm.

I had woken up in the middle of a nightmare and couldn't find the right time for me to sleep again. I was one of the first ones to be at the station for the day crew to switch.

I will admit it did look weird. Who in their right mind would be arrive at work that early, unless they were trying to impress their boss with the consistent work performance of arriving early.

I considered the idea that I unintentionally did want to impress Marcus, he is the one to whom decides if I am suitable for the next level of my career, and that in itself unnerved me.

Why do I need to impress the lieutenant? It made me shake my head, and I focused on the task that I am on. A trip to a comedy club, laugh maker, it is located on sunset boulevard.

Here I am, sat in a dimly lit underground club among a dozen men and women waiting on the first comedian to come on stage. My uncle.

I clapped for uncle Dan when he is introduced as the first up man. I waved, enthusiastically, to my uncle whose face is brightly coloured by the spotlight on his face. His dimples showed a little when he smiled.

" Remember, Yes.. and, Daniel!"

Lucifer heckled him, his devilish grin on show to the audience and they chuckled in reply at his side comment. I die down my claps as uncle dan began his act on the stage.

" Hi, everybody. So, uh.. I.-"

Uncle Dan stutters and I looked around the room of waiting ladies and men who wanted to entertained. I covered my mouth using my hands, to create an echoed sound of my voice, shouting 'You got this uncle Dan!' Clapping. A chorus of 'Yeah, uncle Dan!' Followed suit and drunken whistle laughter is heard as they hollered. One guy even said " How about you go help your uncle poor old uncle, sweetheart? Go on, hot stuff!" to me slurring his words with his buddies laughing. A rumble sound left the mouth of Lucifer, similar to a growl, and I hold his arm shaking my head no. It's not worth it.

" So I got this friend, he's got this small penis, I mean, uh a micropenis and in fact his penis is so tiny, it's not even a micro penis it's actually an atomic penis." No one laughed. You could hear the sound of a pin drop if you'd listen as carefully and it's obvious no one thought of it hilarious. The delivery of the line is awkward. I scanned the uncomfortably quiet room for any reaction, any hint of the killer being here and I listen to a few coughs heard. ".. Because atoms are small. Not because it explodes. Anyway, his penis is so small.."

" Boo! It's medical condition, you monster!"

Lucifer booed, this isn't part of the plan at all, I stared at him wondering what he is up to and I listen in on the abrupt cheers the crowd did for him. " Lucifer."

" What you going to tell me to stop, darling?"

" No. I was going to say, keep it up. Go, go."

I encouraged him realising this could bring out the guy responsible for the murder of JD. He's not a man to waste time as he got up, after he flashed me a grin of appeasement, and he faces my uncle.

" What next are you gonna say? That when he wants to have sex he needs to call out a search party? Or that his wee-nis is so small it looks like his testicles are giving the tiniest thumbs up? Shame on you for mocking the poorly endowed. Oh, hold on. Maybe there's no friend at all, and you're the one with the baby carrot? Hmm."

While Lucifer is furthering his taunting words I scanned the crowd, looking out for triggered audience members, I then notice Lucifer made sure to bring tomatoes. Actual tomatoes. I blinked a few times realising that he is booing uncle Dan while running him off the stage. He is successful, making uncle Dan sprint off the platform, I face palm at his excessive act for a single minute thinking this could go normal.

There is a short break time. Lucifer ordered an expensive martini, which I found atrocious for a few reasons one being the way the Alcohol's content smelled sour, and I leaned on the chair he sat in. Uncle Dan came back to the bar, his shirt soaked in the juices of the said tomato he was bombarded with, huffing his way over. " What the hell was that, man? You undermined the entire sting."

" Well, I'd argue you undermined it with your botched attempt at humour. All I did was throw a drowning man a tomato. Oh, what are the chances?"

" I didn't even wanna do this to begin with." Says uncle Dan, his words a sharp hiss, and he takes the offered serviette I hand him to clean himself off. " Thanks, honey. At least Ellie did appreciate the effort I contributed to this sting. Can't say the same for you, Lucifer. I told you, Stand-up and improv are different." He cleans the juice off, pointing between me and Lucifer.

" Why didn't you stop him, by the way?"

" We needed to have the killer to have sympathy for the targeted person of the joke. I know it's far fetched, but he might seek to give a sympathetic voice. Though, in Lucifer's case, I think that was just an excuse for his own little jokes about micro penis's."

" Exactly what I am trying to say, see. Even if it did work, how can.."

Our conversation is interrupted by one of the audience members approaching, he is short in height and wore a dark maroon dress shirt that matches his hair. " Hey, man. I just want to say really appreciate what you did." He aimed his words at Lucifer, he offered his hand and I side eye him as I moved out of the way. Lucifer grin dies down, his facial feature falling in a serious expression. He doesn't seem right. I don't want to profile the guy but this is too coincidental.

" Absolutely no problem at all. I mean, someone has to stand for the little guy. Am I right? Hearing stuff like that makes you wanna murder someone, doesn't it?"

" Sure does."

He admits, gulping, and my eyes narrowed at him. He is either confessing he'd commit murder or he did. I can't put my finger on the pulse of the feeling I have but it's not a good sign. I pat my side for my handcuffs.

" Good on you, Officer soon to be detective decker. Shall I pull his pants down, or do you want to honour of seeing the old chaps micro Willy? I choose to let me have the honours but you're the one in charge here."

' At least I got to experience an open mic night while it was good.' I thought, moving to place on the cuffs on the man, and uncle Dan helped. " Off to the station we go, again! I call shotgun. And I don't mean the actual gun, Daniel."

' Oh, brother.'

~•~

Shiela, Bobby lowe's warm up comedian and presenter, had been the one to have performed the act of killing JD. She turned out to be crazy for the whole stand up comedy performances, I guess she didn't like the idea of Bobby wanting to leave the entire show as she would lose a big chunk of her career and money, she is in lock-up thank goodness for that. It's another one, a case, closed.

I made the choice to go the beach, for a stroll, a commodity that i hadn't done since the time of Aidan and the kids being here. Just to think on life in general. I always found a sense of peace, comfort, walking on the beach. The feeling of a good spec of sand sticking to my feet, waves of the ocean splashing at the nips of my heels, my knees wading in the water which I stand in as I take in the horizon of water. My eyes closed as I breathed in the salty breeze of the sea and my shoulders rested in a complete calm slouch.

No one else was on the beach, expect for some local joggers on a path way lapping up in their own sweat and head in the clouds of their own world, and I fluttered open my eyes again as it occurred I am not alone.

Amenadiel waited for me on the shore, observing me from his spot, I made my way out of the ocean as the ripples of water breaks away at the disturbance I made.

" I knew I'd find you here." He broke the quiet tone of our unsaid conversation first, offering a beach towel. " beaches always were your thing. I remember the day you celebrated your fourth  birthday here, on this exact spot on the beach." He recalled putting an arm around me, resting his hand on my shoulder bone. I snuggled into amenadiel. " I remember how much I loved to see you, in your element, when your eyes land on the ocean. Your mother had to basically run after you, each time, cause she thought you'd be in danger of drowning. You would get way too close, when you first started to walk at age two, and I almost had to intervene."

I blankly stared at my bare feet, at the earliest memory I had of my mother before she died in the line of duty. She died months after my dad had been killed. Malcolm had confessed to me he had orchestrated the entire operation, how he was the one to have pulled the trigger on my dad and shot mom out of pure jealous rage. He murdered my parents because mom left him for Charles, or Nathan, wanting to leave. Mom spent her last moments begging my father for him to not kill her and he did it. He killed her.

" Thats why I know you best, than you think you know yourself, Elisabetta. And I know how you keep your emotions back, bottle them up, I can sense it after all. Remember. What is the matter?"

I felt my lips tremble at the question. I didn't really know how I could answer him and it was tearing me up on the inside. I gave the best of an answer I could find. " Everything feels like a challenge, Amen. I wake up, go to the work, go out and arrest all of these bad guys and some of the time I.. find myself seeing Malcolm in all of them. All I see is him. I know it sounds like a completely crazy thing to admit I see my dead psychotic father in these men I lock up. But it's something I can't shake and it's tiring, Amen." I looked at my hands, glimpse of blood flickers on the tips of my fingers shadowing the past as I remember having blood on my hands to stop the bleeding out of my body. " when I'm sure I can move past what happened, it just.. drags me back. Harder and harder. Each. Time. It.."

It's like I am in my own physical space of a hell loop, Lucifer explained in the past, and I relive that moment. Guilt for letting it happen. I let a tear glisten on my cheek, until eventually I felt it pour out of my eyes.

" Why won't it stop, why can't I stop thinking about it, Amen? Why can't it leave me alone? I just want.. I just want back my mom. My life. Why can't I have it back?"

It was beginning to feel all too much for me. Eyes now stinging with the waterfall of tears, I have my body enveloped by amenadiel and I cried. " I'm so exhausted, Amen. I'm so tired."

" I know, little Angel. I know."

JASMINE SPEAKS;

I just like to touch on a topic here while I have your attention.

I am writing how I struggled, and maintain my own struggles, with depression from Elisabetta and her perspective.

It's a complicated process, to deal with how we view things and traumatic events that have happened in our lives.

To really understand depression you have to look at it from a standpoint. The whole reliving trauma and the thoughts we have.

I was diagnosed with it, at age twelve, and through therapy session I've learned how to live a life where I don't let it get to a point it defies my life. I do have days I have flashbacks, of my childhood trauma, and it can be hard to pull yourself out of that hole. Just remember you're not alone. If you need to talk, I am here.

Now onto the questions. What did you think of Lucifer, Dan and amen's interactions with Ellie and the whole chapter in its entirety?