When I woke up this morning, I immediately looked at my phone again, but this time I had no message from Wei Ying. It made me kind of sad and I wondered if maybe he doesn't want to write with me anymore because of what I wrote last night. That he should forget what I wrote at noon, that is, the one about my dream.

Actually, my first thought should be Zhan, after all, he and I are officially a couple since yesterday. But why can't I stop thinking about him and Wei Ying? Why do I feel the same way about both of them? I'm torn between my feelings for them, and I can't even explain it.

My guilty conscience towards Zhan just keeps getting bigger and bigger, especially because I even lied to him yesterday when I asked him if it bothered him if I had contacts with others on the internet. I shouldn't have asked that. And I think I really need to talk to my brother today.

I'm going to write him and ask if he's free at lunch and can pick me up at work. I need to talk to him!

During the breakfast break, I really had to pull myself together not to tell Seungyoun what was going through my mind. I'm sure he would have blamed me again right away. Like yesterday. And I can do without that, it doesn't help me.

When it was finally lunch time, my brother came and we went to the snack bar just a few stores away. I started by telling him that I finally got my first kiss and how much I enjoyed it. He was happy for me. And he was even happier when I told him that Zhan and I were now officially a couple.

After that, I carefully explained to him my concern and what I asked Zhan yesterday. I also explained to him that I suddenly feel torn between the two of them, with my feelings.

"Mhhh, well I don't even know where to start Yibo. Let me ask you first. Did the author give you any signals that you might assume he was interested in more than an author and fan thing?"

"Honestly, no. He wrote about his books and even confirmed or cleared up a few rumors for me. For example, he said that the complete volumes of Fantasy World have been finished since a year ago. And he also confirmed that there will be a new book. A sad love story. He also wrote me that it took him a long time to find his own writing style. So nothing that doesn't involve books in some way."

"I see. Were you hoping he would write other things?"

"Sure, everything about him makes me curious."

"Yeah I know. Um, maybe, and I'm just saying maybe, you really are in love with him. You've admired him so much all this time and really soaked up all the news. But at the time your feelings were still in limits until you got a message from him and it confirmed your fantasy of him being very nice and all."

"I can't be in love with him. I'm in love with Zhan."

"A person is perfectly capable of loving two people at the same time and in the same way."

"I can't imagine that. How can that be done?"

"It can be done Yibo, believe me. And believe me too that it only feels nice at first, but at some point you're just done because you can't make up your mind, you hurt other people's feelings, and you suffer more and more yourself."

"It sounds like you've experienced that yourself. Do you have brother?"

"We're not talking about me now, after all. It was, yeah, it was just an example. What I was trying to tell you is, there's a definite possibility that you're in love with both men. Zhan and Wei Ying. Even if you can't believe that. And it's also a little strange, since you don't even know who Wei Ying really is."

"Let's say you're right. What should I do now? I don't want to lose Zhan and be with him. But at the same time, it's like everything is pulling me towards Wei Ying."

"You should carefully think about it. Zhan can hold you in his arms, be with you, kiss you, and when you are ready, make love with you. The author is sitting behind a computer somewhere and really only wants to communicate with you. He is only interested in books. Who do you choose? The one you can have? Or the other one you'll probably never know who he really is?"

"I already told you, I want Zhan. I want to dream about him, I want to think about him first thing when I wake up and last thing when I fall asleep. I miss him when I'm not with him. I long for the end of my shift every day just so I can get to Zhan quickly to see him. And I look forward to our date tomorrow. He will pick me up and we will spend the afternoon and evening together. As a couple and not working in and around his house. I want to have all the things with him that make a relationship work. I don't want to lose him because my heart doesn't know what it wants." It almost brought tears to my eyes to think that I might lose Zhan if he finds out that I might have feelings for Wei Ying.

"For now, don't drive yourself crazy Yibo. Maybe you were just so excited because your idol took time to read and reply to your message and chatted with you. It doesn't automatically mean you love him like you love Zhan. Go to your Zhan's house later, enjoy your time with him, and if it's bothering you that much, talk to him openly about it. He's your boyfriend, he'd have a right to know if there's someone else in your heart."

"And what if he breaks up with me then?"

"The risk is there, of course. But, I can't imagine him breaking up with you just like that. I think he has very strong feelings for you and wouldn't just give you up like that."

"I'm just afraid of it. He's the first man I ever fell in love with. And the first man who likes me for who I am. He even thinks my shyness is cute. He gave me my first kiss and even asked me if he could give me my first kiss."

"Yes, you mean a lot to him and he respects you. So show him respect too and be honest with him. Anything else would only hurt him. And who knows, maybe he can even understand you when you explain it to him. Or maybe he knows the author too and you two can exchange opinions about his books in the future."

"And what do I do if Wei Ying should write to me again? After all, I want to be in contact with him and write with him about the books."

"Focus on Zhan for now. And if the author really does write again, and you're really desperate for answers, think about your feelings for Zhan and how important he is to you. Stay on the subject of books, and maybe your heart will calm down eventually when you realize that the author is also a normal man."

"Okay. Thanks for your advice and for always listening to me. That makes me feel a little better."

"You're welcome, little brother. Now tell me, do you have an outfit for tomorrow yet? Are you nervous yet?"

"I'm nervous as hell. And I'm going to wear the clothes you bought me the other day. The black skinny jeans and the plaid shirt. It looks simple but also chic."

"Yeah that's a good choice. It looks really good on you. What movie are you going to see at the cinema?"

"I saw that there are several good movies in the cinema right now. Maybe a romantic comedy? Or an action movie? I don't know, I'll ask Zhan tomorrow."

"You actually realize that if you stay with Zhan and you want to live together someday, well, that you'll be fixing up your future home with him? The garden and everything in the house. You would then live there together, right?"

"Oh wow, I hadn't even thought about that. I mean, we just started dating last night. But now that you mention it, right. If we stay together, and I want to, then maybe that would be my home someday. If Zhan even wants that."

"Why wouldn't he want that? Besides, you've already said he often asks you which color you like better or which tiles he should use. Maybe he has that in the back of his mind, that you might live there together someday."

"Honestly? That would be great. It's a really nice house. There are a lot of rooms and the bathrooms that Zhan has made, wow, just wow. And then the garden. I love that garden. And I've already imagined what it's going to be like when it's finished. Zhan and I will sit in the garden and enjoy this sight together, the peace and relaxation."

"I hope I get to meet your Zhan in person sometime soon. And maybe you can show me around the house sometime. And the garden, of course."

"Mmm, definitely. And I bet you'll like Zhan."

"Definitely even." My brother replied. Then, unfortunately, it was time to go back to work. My brother is luckier than me, he has a full hour for lunch every day. I only have 30 minutes. I would have liked to talk to him about Zhan for much longer. Talking to him also did me a lot of good and I feel better now.

When I finally finished my shift, I ran to the car and drove to Zhan's house and waited for him there. I bought his favorite snack on the way. He had mentioned yesterday that he wanted to buy it, but that they were out of them at the store.

The moment Zhan walked into the house, my heart was pounding like crazy. He closed the door and this time it was me who ran up to him, hugged and picked up a kiss. Zhan grinned and asked me what suddenly got into me and I said, "Nothing, I just missed you." And in return I got another hug and a long kiss.

I gave Zhan his snack and he was so happy about it. But before he eats it, there is food for both of us, which he brought again. While doing so, he told me that his cousin came to visit him at the workshop today and she's already crazy about meeting me. "My brother would like to meet you too. Maybe we can organize something soon and invite everyone together." I suggested.

"Mhm good idea my cutie. And then I'll invite my cousin Cheng too. Then you'll get to know the two who mean the most to me. Besides you of course."

"That would make me happy. And then you can meet my big brother."

"And we can then show the three of them the house and the garden. Oh while I'm on the subject, I know it's too early to talk about it, but do you realize that you might end up living here with me someday? Because I certainly don't plan on giving you away again, and if you don't eventually get tired of me, then we'll live here together."

"In fact, my brother brought up the subject today."

"Really? Um, what do you say that in the future we decide together what should be done in the house?"

"Well, it's your house and I can't help you financially there either, so you should make the decisions."

"Now listen to me carefully, my cute Yibo. You don't have to worry about the money. I want to do this together with you. So let's decide together ok?"

"Oh Okay. So Zhan, I wanted to say something about yesterday."

"And what?"

"Well, I said it stupidly and maybe caused some confusion because of that. I didn't mean that I want to have contact with other men besides you. I definitely want to be with you and only you. And I don't want to have any other flirtations either. It just happened that I was able to write with my idol and I was so excited about it. Seungyoun made me feel bad about it and I was totally confused about it."

"Come here Yibo." I walked over to Zhan and he took me on his lap, put his arms around me and kissed my cheek.

"It's perfectly okay with me if you write to your idol. And you can tell me about it too. I really thought you wanted to have contact with other men. But now that I know, it's okay with me."

"Really? So if the opportunity comes up again, can I write to my idol again?"

"Of course. I would never forbid you to do that. Just talk to me openly and everything will be fine."

"Mmm, I will."

"Say, do you want to give work a rest today and do any other things?"

"But we don't have our date until tomorrow."

"Well then, we'll just have a date today and another date tomorrow. We could both spontaneously do something. What do you say?"

"If we go to my house first and I can change, then we could go to the park afterwards. There's this one food stand where they have super yummy blueberry waffles."

"You just ate and you're already thinking about food again. Haha. But sure, we can do that. Whatever you want and enjoy."

So today we decided to Spontaneously make a date instead of working. We're going to my house now, I'm going to get changed and then my first date can start. Ah, I'm excited, although we just want to go to the park.