It's days like these when I ask myself why the hell I live the life I lead. Tonight, during the "It" part of the year, I wanted nothing more than to be home, curled up watching a movie or reading a book. Nerdy, I know, and I was actually beginning to worry the nerdy part of me would win out and make me bail from the soccer party when Vicky appeared and pushed another drink into my hand.

"Come on, loosen up!" she said, clinking her bottle on mine, "You do realize this a seniors-only party, right?"

"Yeah, I know," I said, forcing a grin as I cast a look around. Soccer parties were apparently the trendiest source of alcohol-induced fun for seniors and they seemed to want to keep it that way. After Brandon had invited me, the senior-A girls (all except for Amber, who was obviously not thrilled that I was invited) had cornered me and made me promise not to tell any juniors. Vicky had even made a special point of not being a bitch all week when she saw me. Weird for her, but I wasn't going to complain. I mean, apparently some juniors from Crescent High (the soccer team we'd thrashed a mere 2 hours ago) had tried to get in and the team captain had hauled them out like potato sacks. It had pretty much been the highlight of the night for me before the nerd inside me had piped up and pushed me to go home.

"Listen, Maddie," Vicky said, casting her eyes around the room before looking back at me, "We kind of all agreed to have you here and I hope you realize it's quite a compliment. I mean, all of us except for Amber..." she gave a snotty little laugh, "I honestly don't think the MacIntyres realize what huge sluts they are,"

We shared that same snotty little A-Lister laugh before Vicky continued.

"Anyway, just have fun and loosen up a little. This isn't one of Deanna Allister's boring things," she said. I fought to keep my eyebrows from rising when she slammed Deanna. It wasn't a big secret that they weren't each other's biggest fans, but I'd never heard Deanna dare to talk about Vicky like that. Clearly this was her way of proving how far above the rest of us she thought she was.

"Ladies, you're missing the strip poker!" Brandon said as he and Brett appeared at our sides. Vicky's face melted into her cherub smile as Brett draped his arm around her. I'd never quite understood the chemistry between them. I mean, sure they're the hottest of the seniors so it's only natural that they'd be dating, but I'd never really believed that they were as crazy about each other as they seemed to be.

"Dude, not my sister," Brett said, bonking Brandon across the top of the head. Brandon gave a devilish little laugh and pulled me next to him.

"She's a big girl, Brett!" he said, then looked down at me and gave me a playful shake, "Aren't you Maddie?"

Something in me gave an icky lurch as I smelled the alcohol on him. I wouldn't be surprised if Brett was half-tanked too.

"Yeah...um, I'll be there in a second, okay?" I mumbled, ducking out from under Brandon's arm. He didn't seem fazed though, immediately launching into some story that made Vicky fall onto Brett's chest she was laughing so hard. See, that's the thing about A-Listers: it's impossible to throw them. Like, I could've said any manner of disgusting, crowd-shocking things and Brandon, drunk or not, would be able to steer the conversation away from me without even so much as a twitch.

"So are you the famed Clairview junior?" came a voice from beside me. I'd made my way to the kitchen and whirled around to see the hot Crescent midfielder regarding me with interest.

"That depends on who's asking," I replied, cocking my head to the side. Part of me really didn't want to play this game right now, but another part of me figured that if I could win the interest of another guy, maybe Brandon would stay away. The midfielder cocked an eyebrow as I flashed him my best, most charming smile.

"Eddie Baretto," he said, offering me his hand. My face melted into a sexy grin as I shook it.

"Madison Carlisle," I replied.

"Well nice to meet you, Ms. Madison-the-Junior," Eddie said.

"Same to you Mr. Baretto...as long as you don't feel the need to lovingly chuck me outside like you Crescenters seem to do," I said. He laughed and ran a hand through his tousled dark hair.

"So, do I stick out that much from the crowd?" I asked, turning my attention away from him as I scanned the crowd again.

"Aside from being the prettiest girl here? Not really," he said. I slowly looked back at him with a smile.

"Really?" I asked, cocking an eyebrow, "I know some girls who would beg to differ." My eyes shifted towards Amber, who I suddenly realized was making her way towards us, a blazing scowl on her face. It took me a few seconds (thanks, alcohol) to figure it out, but I realized with a start she was about to snatch Eddie away.

"A sweet little thing like you wouldn't last a day at Crescent without being stampeded," he said, reaching past me to put his drink down on the counter. As he did so, he took a not-so-subtle step forward, bringing himself right up in front of me.

Back in the day, when I was still getting used to being at the top of the social ladder, my stomach would have fluttered and my heart beat would've picked up when a hot guy got this close. Nowadays I hardly flinched, unless of course it was Tyler. And my alcohol-soaked brain hazily registered that Tyler was nowhere to be found that night, but an angry looking Amber and a drunken leering Brandon were rapidly approaching on either side.

"And let me guess, I'd need a big strong man like you to protect me," I said, teasingly tapping Eddie on the chest. His face spread into an award-winning smile and I had the distinct feeling he'd used this routine on many a girl before me.

"You know it," Eddie said, then bent his head down and kissed me. In the split second before I closed my eyes, I watched over Eddie's shoulder as Amber froze in her tracks, Brandon freezing behind her as they both looked at us.

I let him kiss me until I could be fairly certain Amber and Brandon had gone away. Not that it was really that unpleasant, but Eddie Baretto wasn't the guy I wanted to be kissing that night. That guy wasn't even at this party.

"What's wrong?" Eddie asked when I pulled away, shooting me that customary "what-the-hell-are-you-doing?" look.

"I have to go," I said, offering him a sexy half-smile as I made my way past him.

"Aw, come on!" he said, a smile playing across his lips, "I think that at least deserved a number!"

"Maybe next time," I grinned, shooting him a little wave over my shoulder. He muttered something about me being a tease, but now that Brandon wasn't lurking, I had no further desire to kiss anyone who wasn't Tyler anymore.

"Nice," came Amber's voice from beside me as I made my way towards the front door. I paused and turned to face her. She was leaning on the stairs banister, slightly reeling.

"What?" I asked, playing dumb.

"Eddie. Baretto. Is. Mine." she said flatly, taking a few steps towards me, "And of course a slutty little junior like you had to go and ruin it all,"

"Hey, he came onto me," I said, tossing my head and starting to walk away.

"Bitchy whore," Amber called after me. I gritted my teeth to keep from saying what I wanted to, especially since half the people in the hallway were eagerly anticipating my reaction. But instead of whirling around and taking her down in a flurry of nails and screams I flipped her the finger and walked out the door.

And it was only as I walked down the front stairs that I realized I had no lift. Actually, correction: my two possible lifts were inside, tanked. I sighed, rubbing my bare arms against the chill, and decided yet again to walk home.

**********

I'm drunk.

Whatever I'd gulped down at the party had only hit me in earnest when I was blocks away. It took every ounce of willpower I had to remember where I was going and why I'd left the party behind. I had no desire to be around Brandon, Eddie, or Amber in my current state, and given my cell-phone-free status, walking was my only choice.

I'd been repeating that logic to myself over and over again, forcing my feet to keep moving towards home even as my mind threatened to wander. It was only as I got to the beach and felt the cool salty air that I started to realize that I'd freeze by the time I made it home. And then I actually did start freezing. Teeth chattering, blue hands, the whole bit. My feet were starting to go numb when I spotted the condo building rising out of the mist on the ocean and my drunk brain came up with an idea.

I shivered and shook my way to the door, nearly walking into it when it didn't open automatically. Two glass doors were all that was between me and the cozy, warm, bright lobby of the condo building, but I'd failed to consider that I needed some sort of key to get in. With a grumble and a groan, I shuffled over to the directory, my hand shaking as I lifted it to key in a number. I really, really hoped I wasn't about to wake up Ethan's parents, but my need to avoid hypothermia was too great.

"Who's there?" came a groggy voice over the intercom.

I froze. It was most definitely an older woman and not Ethan.

"P-p-please let m-m-me in," I managed, my tongue thick from the cold.

"What? Who is this?"

"I'm M-M-" I started, but she cut me off.

"I can't hear anything. Go prank someone else," the woman snapped, obviously stifling a yawn as the intercom switched off. I banged my head against the intercom unit, shaking too much to do anything else but groan. I slid into a heap, curling into a ball leaning against the glass doors to try to suck whatever heat I could. At least the entryway here was shielded from the wind.

I had no idea how much time had passed when a pair of headlights nearly blinded me as they pulled into the roundabout in front of the door.

"Madison? Jesus Christ, is that you?"

I hadn't realized I'd closed my eyes until Ethan's concerned face was looming over me.

"F-f-freezing," I managed, still shaking.

"Jesus, what the hell are you doing here?" he demanded, whipping off his jacket and throwing it around me. His car was stopped diagonally across the drive, the front door hanging open as if he'd leaped out.

"Had t-t-to walk h-h-home," I managed, as he helped me to my feet.

"You're an icicle. What the hell were you thinking? And how did you end up here?"

I couldn't process all his questions, so I let him lead me to his car and sit me down in his passenger seat. He made his way around the car, sliding in and closing his door, shutting us off from the cold outside. He cranked the heater and turned towards me, concern and confusion etched all over his face.

"Th-thanks," I managed, holding my shaking hands towards the heating vents.

"Why the hell were you huddled like a homeless person at my building?" he asked finally, when my shivering had abated a bit. The drunk had worn off and I was thoroughly embarrassed and downright mortified.

"I was freezing. I just wanted to warm up in the lobby for a bit but the doors didn't work," I said, my tongue still thick and awkward from the cold. Ethan simply shook his head, incredulous.

"Where the hell is your jacket?" he demanded, "And where the hell did you come from?"

"My brother was drunk at the party. I left before I thought to get my jacket," I said miserably, fully aware that I would have to endure his inquisition if I wanted the heat.

"Are you drunk?" Ethan asked, incredulous.

"I think so?" I said, shooting him a look. He was still shaking his head. The silence stretched between us until he sighed.

"Tell me where you live, I'll drive you home," he said, shifting the car into drive.

"I can take a cab," I said, making for the door handle now that I was warm enough to move properly.

"Like hell you will," Ethan growled, locking the doors.

"Listen, we're not exactly friends. Just call me a cab and we don't have to talk about this again," I managed, throwing on my best impression of Vicky Carrington disdain.

"No, we're not exactly friends, but I owe you an apology and if I do this then I consider us square, okay?" he said, pulling out of the condo driveway. I watched him as he drove, his jaw muscle working.

"Why do you owe me an apology?" I asked finally. He sighed, shooting me an annoyed sideways look.

"Because I played along with Dakota in chemistry class. It was a dick move, and I'm sorry," he said, blowing out his cheeks. I frowned.

"You realize you're the world's worst hypocrite? All you ever do in public is attack me like Ape-face and her cronies, while here you are yet again apologizing in private," I said, crossing my arms with a huff. Ethan snorted.

"Rich words coming from you right now. In case you hadn't noticed, I'm saving you yet again," he snapped.

"All I wanted was to warm up! Which I am now, so you can just let me out here," I fired right back, trying the door again. Much to my surprise, Ethan jammed on the brakes.

"Is this what you do?" he demanded, turning towards me, "You use people when you need them like they don't matter one bit?"

"Of course not! How was I supposed to know that you'd come driving up?" I snapped.

"I came driving up because my mother called me saying someone was buzzing the intercom this late at night. I wouldn't need three guesses to figure out who that was, now would I?" he retorted.

"Well I'm sorry but I was desperate and about to become a snowman," I said, burying myself in Ethan's jacket to savor the warmth.

"Where the hell are your friends to bail you out?" Ethan asked, angrily jamming on the accelerator so we lurched back onto the road.

"They're all drunk and I have no phone to call for a ride," I muttered. Ethan laughed bitterly.

"No phone? How on Earth are you surviving, Miss Socialite?" he scoffed.

"You want to know why I have no phone?" I exploded, "Because I refused to be some rich dickhead's girlfriend just because he's from the wealthiest family in Clairview! My parents took my phone and my car and my credit cards because I slapped him instead of kissing his pompous ass. And to top it all off, it's been made abundantly clear that all they think I'm good for is to be a trophy wife!"

Ethan was silent.

"Isn't that what you really want though?" he asked finally. I shot him a look filled with such venom it's a wonder he didn't expire right then and there. Ethan glanced over at me.

"What? It's a fair question to ask of someone who runs in your social circles," he said defensively.

"No, my life's ambition is not to be some blonde bimbo in expensive heels whose only job is to be a CEO's arm candy," I snarled. Ethan sighed.

"Why the hell are you one of them?" he said as much to me as to him self. That took me aback.

"What are you talking about?" I asked.

"Why are you one of them? Why do you surround yourself with people who only see you for your looks and not for who you are? Do any of them even know how good you are at chemistry?" Ethan continued quietly. I looked out the window, at a lack for words.

"Look Maddie, I'll stop judging you because it's not fair. You're you and I'm me, so let's just be friends, okay?" he said, breaking the tense silence. My eyes shifted back to him, something coming back to me as I slipped back into sobriety.

"What did you mean when you said you 'know the ropes'?" I asked.

"What?" Ethan said, shooting me a wary sidelong glance

"Last weekend. What did you mean?" I repeated.

"I don't know what you're talking about," he said a little too quickly. I turned to face him, willing to stare the answer out of him. His knuckles had tightened around the steering wheel and a muscle in his jaw was pulsing.

"You're a horrible liar," I said. When he didn't answer, I said the one thing I gambled would make him talk.

"Are you going to tell me or should I bring it up with Deanna?" I threatened. Ethan inhaled deeply, as if keeping something in.

"Maddie, you're drunk," he said finally, his jaw barely moving as he spoke.

"No I'm not! Now quit evading and answer the question!" I said.

"What's your address?" he demanded, but I refused to give up.

"I'm not telling you until you answer me," I said, crossing my arms and leaning back into the seat, staring at him. Ethan let out an exasperated sigh and before I knew what had happened he'd whipped the car around into an empty restaurant's parking lot.

"You really want to know?" he demanded, his voice strained.

"Yes," I said, forcing down the guilt I felt at forcing it out of him. He blew out his cheeks, leaning his forehead off the steering wheel as he steeled himself.

"I used to play football at Ridgeley Prep, back where I used to live," he started, leaning back in his seat but still looking anywhere but at me, "I was the only sophomore on the team and my cousin was one of their all-star, All-American seniors, so I was pretty much the team's little bro. Anyway, you know what the social system is like, so I was cool by association. I was the "it kid" of sophomore year. Even the junior girls flirted back when I hit on them. I was invited to the parties and treated with all the admiration that you and all your little buddies get at Clairview. I was pretty much an A-lister. Then one weekend, right before junior prom, I was at a party with Garrett - my cousin. He was smashed and needed a lift home to make it back before his parents realized he'd snuck out when he was supposed to be studying for exams. He ended up getting into a car with two other all-star seniors and his girlfriend.

"Anyway, the driver was drunk himself and didn't see the 18-wheeler coming the other way when he tried to pass some car on a side road. The car was totaled and ended up flipping into a ditch. By the time the ambulance got there, they'd all died. All of them. Not one survived..." Ethan broke off as his voice wavered. I could do nothing but listen in open-mouthed horror.

"I was supposed to be going home with them. Or at least that's what Garret had promised me when he and his buddy picked me up. I didn't even find out until the next morning, I was so wasted I didn't even know how I'd gotten home. When I finally went back to school a week later, everything just seemed so overrated, like how all the shallow girls feigned sympathy for me. I wanted to punch them out when they exploded into meaningless, dramatic tears in the hallways. And then it just sort of clicked. I couldn't do the social thing with them anymore. I dumped my girlfriend, I stopped going out, and I quit the team...

"Life's just too short," he continued, "Garrett had a football scholarship to USC. He never even got to graduate. He was a genuinely good kid, really kind-hearted for someone so popular. And then I realized that if it had been me in that car, all I'd have to my name was a reputation as a haughty asshole. Because that's what the popularity did to me, it went to my head. And that's all that people would have remembered me as, 'that arrogant sophomore' or 'Garrett Wheeler's cousin.' "

"Ethan, I...I'm so sorry," I said, resting my hand on his fist tightly clamped around the steering wheel. It was icy. He inhaled shakily before turning to face me.

"Now I guess you see why I hate your friends. They remind of exactly who I was at Ridgeley and it just gets so...frustrating when I see them wasting their lives on petty things like gossip and insults," he pounded the wheel and ran a hand through his hair.

"Ethan, you don't need to care about them," I said, closing my fingers around his, "Trust me, they all know exactly who they are and they don't deserve one second of your time-"

"It's not them I'm worried about," he said, fixing me with eyes filled with a sadness I don't think I'd ever be able to understand. And suddenly it all clicked. The nagging, the attitude, the harsh words...they were all because he cared, because he saw in me shades of himself at Ridgeley. I felt my eyes prickle with emotion and I did the only thing I could think of.

Leaning over in my seat I wrapped my arms around his neck and hugged him. I felt his hesitation before he awkwardly hugged me back.

"Why me?" I asked. We were driving in silence, each of us contemplating what had just happened as we approached my house.

"Because you seemed different," he said, "You were in a chemistry class for Christ's sake,"

"True, but I was just as evil and fake to you as the rest of them," I said as he turned in to my driveway.

"No, there was something there, something different about you. You didn't seem to enjoy it like they did," he said, resting his forearms on the steering wheel and looking at me thoughtfully. His eyes still held that sadness. I returned his stare, my own thoughts in turmoil.

Ethan had completely hit the nail on the head. Deep down inside I knew that this whole act would drop the second I made it out of high school and away from my parents. I wouldn't have to be Madison the popular girl in college, I could be whatever Madison I wanted to be. But what would I be remembered for if I met the same fate as Ethan's cousin?

And if Ethan could see it, was it that obvious I hated this life? Deanna, who would easily have called me on it, never said a thing and she's about one of the most observant people I know.  Then again, I guess there's a difference between being observant and purposefully hunting out people's flaws to use against them.  She wouldn't waste her precious time on someone on "her side".

"Look, Ethan, I'm really sorry for probing about that," I said finally.

"Whatever. It's better you find out from me than you find out from someone else," he said with a halfhearted shrug, "It was only a matter of time before someone figured out where I came from, what with me being the 'fascinating' new kid and all,"

"Are you gonna be okay?" I asked, unable to think of anything better to say.

"Yeah, it's just a shock to get it all out. I've held all that in for so long, you know? I haven't talked about it since I moved here," he said. My insides churned with the burst of sympathy I felt for him. He suddenly didn't look like the cocky, shit-disturbing Ethan I knew; he looked like the confused little Ridgeley sophomore who'd just lost his cousin.

"But I guess you know now, so it's okay," he said, looking at me with a weak little smile. I smiled back and patted him on the shoulder.

"I won't tell, promise," I said, climbing out of the car. I waited at the door, watching as he drove away.

It all made so much sense now.