author's note: tomorrow turned into three days later. sorry for the delay. glad you've all enjoyed it so far.

Chapter 7

How far am I taking this? My lips are tightly holding his, my fingers already pushing his shirt up and my hands are running themselves all over P'Arthit's white smooth skin.

"mmh, ah."

His moans are driving me wild. It makes me unable to think all but one thought. My desire and hunger for P'Arthit pushed all thoughts out of my head so I was only thinking more. I want to touch him and kiss his sweet mouth forever. The hunger claimed me so deeply that I couldn't see anything besides P'Arthit. I had him pressed to the door as I ravished his mouth and possessively touched him. I had his shirt over his head before the door fully closed. I felt possessed with lust for P'Arthit.

"mmmh!"

It started as a flash of pain, almost easy to ignore, then it sparked into a flame that started from one of my shoulder to my chest. Like someone had dug a knife in my shoulder and was pushing it down to my chest.

I pushed P'Arthit away.
"What?" his fingers gripped my arm as if he expected it. "Are you okay."

I know I have gone pale, my body was shaking, but I didn't want to let out a sound. I was grinding my teeth to keep it all inside me and hoping it would ease a bit now that I had stopped kissing him.

"Hey, Kongpob, talk to me, are you hurt somewhere?"

Let go, I tried to say, but the pain was increasing. My vision blurred and I couldn't tell what was what. P'Arthit wouldn't let go even though I was try to pull away.

"Kongpob! Seriously, what is wrong? Talk to me!"

I pulled away forcefully. "Don't touch me."

My voice was a growl and my push hard enough to send P'Arthit to the ground. I noticed his shocked expression as soon as my eyes became clear. Something had given way and I could feel relief surrounding me and clearing my hazy mind.

P'Arthit got up to his feet again.
"Kongpob?"

That hurt tone. P'Arthit was looking at me with his empty hands held up in the air. I said too much just now.

"What did I do now?" he asked me.

"It has nothing to do with you." I shifted towards the bathroom. Although the pain was gone, there was a lingering ache, like there was an open wound in my chest and shoulder.

"Then why did you say not to touch you. Are you pushing me away again? After that?"

"That's not—"I couldn't say that wasn't the case. If the pain stopped after I pushed P'Arthit away then it can only be one thing. It was the same thing that happened the last time I walked out of the apartment. The soulmate bound reacted. The trembling I can still feel, the ache, this all proves that I am betraying my soulmate.

"Tell me Kongpob. Are we going back to the way we were or are we moving forward?"

"Tomorrow, P'Arthit. Let's continue tomorrow."

P'Arthit blocked my way to the bathroom and shook his head vehemently. "I don't think I can wait that long. I need to know now. Are we dating, Kongpob?"

There's no way I can say that we are. Why can't he understand that? No, wait. P'Arthit has been more understanding than anyone would be in this situation. Without knowing whether I was saying the truth or not, he had to put up with my rejection and let himself be led on because I couldn't do the right thing. I should have been firm with him and told him there was no hope from the start. Why did I let him continue to hang on? And after that kiss, there's no one who wouldn't think that it was an okay, an approval to his feelings and a change to our relationship.

No matter how selfish I am, I have to know when I have crossed the line. Except this time I can't backtrack and return to our status quo. This was it. I have to make a choice and it has to be clear and brutal. I need to hurt P'Arthit in other to save him and... myself. I cannot let this continue anymore.

"no, we are not. And we will never date, P'Arthit."

"Then?—"

"Didn't I tell you before? You are attractive to me and I lost my head. Actually I saw a memory of my soulmate and since they were not within reach, I merely used you to satisfy an itch I couldn't scratch. I mean anyone, even Nue would do at this point. P'Arthit, I am sorry but... don't put too much into that kiss. I am merely using you. My feelings haven't changed and they never will. I'm sorry P'Arthit. Don't forgive me for that if you can't but a time when I would ever agree to be your boyfriend just won't ever come."

I was meeting his eyes so I saw when the hope in it died. The light in P'Arthit's eyes went out slowly until there was nothing there, and a new pain that I didn't understand started up in my chest where my heart is. I didn't know that hurting someone you love can hurt this much. It feels like each the words I am saying are tearing into me like knives. They are probably doing worse to P'Arthit.

I waited for P'Arthit to say something for a while. Was I hoping to get a response like before where he put on a brave face as he tells me he would keep waiting or that he doesn't care? Is that why I didn't move away after I finished saying my piece? So shameless. I am so shameless.

With my face lowered, I walked out of the living room. P'Arthit didn't say a word till the end, neither did he move. In the bathroom, I took off my shirt and looked in the mirror. There was a long scaly looking line on my shoulder encroaching towards my chest.

"You have been cursed, " the monk told me seven lifetime ago. That was after the third life when I was mourning the death of my soulmate once again. "You will repeat many lives without achieving fulfillment."

"What?" my eyes were still red from crying and I still had the blood of my beloved on my fingers. I remember thinking, what an awful thing to say to someone you've just met.

At the time I didn't even realize I have had two lives before. I just met my soulmate at random, fell in love with them and then we ended up dead before twenty-five.

"To break the curse you must fall in love with someone else."

"No! I don't want to love anyone else."

"But you will. Your mind will change one day and you may not even meet your loved one in a lifetime. You will fall in love with someone else."

"I would rather die."

"Oh..." the old monk gave me a slow look. "Is this true love."

"I don't know, I just know that I want to keep loving them forever."

"But that's not possible. God did not make people that way. There is no one person for anyone. You can love as many different people as you want. Isn't that wonderful"

Tears gathered my eyes and I fell to my knees right there. "I don't want to. Our love is not that meaningless. We have continued to love each other no matter what and it is all that matters to me. I don't want to love another person like I loved her."

The monk sighed. "Then, do you want to be bound to them?"

"Bound?"

"There is something called a soulmate bound. Very often but not too often, a couple or two will get the idea that they want to fall in love in all lifetimes so they come here to do the soulmate bound."

"They don't fall in love with others? "

"It's rare for anyone tied with the soulmate bound to fall out of love but it is possible to fall in love with another person. When that happens, the soulmate bound would react and remind the person over a certain amount of time what they promised."

"What if they continue to love another person?"

"hm? They would simply die and their soul will not reincarnate again. Scary right?"

"I'll do it. If I can fall for someone else then I deserve to be punished. I don't care what happens to me but I don't want anything to happen to her."

"Since she is already dead, then we can make it a bound that only ties you. In your next life you can tie her too."

"But I never remember my past life until after she dies."

"hmmm, that is a problem. Stop kneeling, get up and eat."

I rose to my feet and sat near the monk. He offered me melon seeds to eat and I ate them without haste. I wasn't hungry, my heart was empty and I had no expectation.

"Ah, there is something foolishly called the soulmate halo. It's like this..." on the sand, the old monk drew a ring. "It is usually used as a mark but it helps you to remember your many lives. Everyone usually comes to the world with one as a baby, but after becoming influenced by the world they forget and throw away their halo. If I put this on you and you put this on them next time, you will be able to remember all your lifetime and even recognize her no matter the form she takes."

"Then I want it too. Please give me the halo and the soulmate bound. Give it to me quickly."

"Are you going to die after you collect it?"

I nodded.

The soulmate bound was given to me and the halo. I have used it to find my soulmate each time until now. P'Arthit is not my soulmate but my body yearns for him, my heart desires him so so much. Every time I force myself to stay away feels like torture. Why? Is this what the old man was telling me? Is P'Arthit someone I would have fallen in love with if I had not used the soulmate bound? Is he the one that would have helped me end the circle of death? I don't understand.