Chapter 20 – final chapter

I would be lying if I said that my dream was peaceful. I don't even remember what it was about. I just know that I slept well and waking up was a good feeling. It's just when I reached for Kongpob who should be sleeping next to me, my hand came up empty.

He wasn't on the bed or in the room. Not in the kitchen or the bathroom either. He isn't in the apartment at all. I grabbed my phone, my fingers shaking a little as I dialed his number.

He promised me he would be here when I woke up. Where did he go? My mind was swirling chaotically. Did he really go to Paula, after he promised me he wouldn't?

His number wasn't going through. If right now he is so busy with Paula that he doesn't even have the time to pick up my call, then what am I going to do.

I pace the room as I dialed his number a couple more times. Trust him, Arthit, I told myself. He said he would call it off. He said he loves me, but did he say he doesn't love her? He loves her, he said it himself that he would always choose her. But he promised...

I bite hard on my lower lip and stared at the door. I don't know if he really is at Paula's but I can find out. I have to make sure he isn't there or I am going to lose my mind.

I ended the call and reached for a coat. It was nighttime now and would be cold outside. When I was outside I realized that I didn't actually know where Paula was living. No, wait.

I scroll through the company's employee data on my phone. Paula had come there to work before she changed her mind and decided she wouldn't be there anymore, supposedly because she wanted to give me the space I needed. As if I would ever believe that. She was back in my life to ruin it, and that meant she was trying to take Kongpob from me. It's typical. Four years ago she found out about Kongpob and insisted on meeting him.

My fingers paused in my scroll and I thought about four years ago. Why had Paula wanted to meet Kongpob? To torment me of course but what if it wasn't just that. Was it the soulmate thing? Had it been at work even then? But they never did meet and that was because I got in the way of Kongpob's wedding. His parents took him out of the country because of me. Did I stop their fated meeting somehow?

Whatever, I don't care. I have given Kongpob too much of myself to just give him up now and it would be too unbearable to lose him to Paula. It would be the end of me if Paula takes anymore from me, especially the one person who I valued the most. I won't allow fate or whatever to ruin my relationship with Kongpob.

I found it, Paula's address. Without any delay, I called a taxi and told the driver where to go. Paula's apartment wasn't far from where I lived, where Kongpob lived. Was that a coincidence? I tried not to think about the connection tying Kongpob to Paula. The love of my life to the person I hated most in the world.

The taxi pulled over and I almost forgot to pay the man. I was in that much of a hurry to get Kongpob away from Paula. When I tried to enter the compound, I was stopped by a security guard. Paula's apartment of course was in a very expensive place with high security and practically everything.

The guard had me speak to Paula and gain her permission to come to see her.

"Arthit," she said over the speaker. "That's a surprise. Please come meet me at the pool."

I nodded at the security man as he let me enter the compound. Finding the pool was easy. It was large and sparkling and you could see it from the front of the compound. I walked through a path and spotted Paula sitting by a table, glasses over her nose and books splayed out on the table.

"Hey," she grinned.

There was no Kongpob in sight still I had to ask. "Where is he?"

She got to her feet and walked to me. "Where is who?"

"Don't play dumb, Paula."

"He is not here," she said

"How do you know who I am talking about then?"

She sighed and walked over to me. "I heard about it from dad. He was furious, said he was going to disown you."

"He doesn't own me."

"I didn't know—"

"Yes, you did. You saw us back at the house. You knew what we meant to each other and you just found the perfect opportunity to taint and steal it."

"P'Arthit. I don't know what you are talking about."

"Don't pretend to be a fool, Paula!" I roared at her. Her acting was so bad as if I would ever buy her oblivious act. "You knew and you planned everything. I know the two of you connected back at the house. He kept defending you and you kept leaning on him."

"Because he is a good person and a great guy. Yes, I thought of him as someone reliable, since when has that become a crime."

"It did the instant you became his soulmate. You've done a lot of horrible things to me, Paula, but this is by far the worse. You think I am going to let you hurt me again and do nothing?"

Paula covered her face and sighed. She looked exhausted and at her wit's end but it didn't fool me at all. "I am sorry, P'Arthit. I am forever going to be sorry for what I did to you. I am not expecting your forgiveness but please hear me when I say I don't want to do anything to you or Kongpob. I care about him, he is my friend but he loves someone else, and apparently, that person is you."

"Yes me, I don't need you to tell me that!" I exhaled "but he loves you too. His soulmate, the one person who can make him happier than I ever could. It has always tormented me and made me feel wretched like all my actions were second-rate and could never compare to his soulmate. I thought I was okay with that but then I find out it's you and my whole world collapsed, just like you wanted it to."

I circled towards her and shook my head. "You and your mother coming after me after all these years why can't you just leave me alone."

"P'Arthit," Paula avoided me, pulling back. "You are not making any sense. You sound crazy."

"I feel crazy! Just the thought of you and Kongpob turns my blood into lava. Don't you get it? I won't allow you to take from me anymore, Paula. Not this time."

"You are scaring me P'Arthit. What can I say, what can I do to make you go away? I told you I don't mean anything like that to Kongpob. He loves you and I am just a friend to him."

"No! I don't even want you to be his friend. I want you out of my life and out of his. I never want to see you again, Paula. So just get lost." I pushed her to emphasize the point but I didn't realize she had walked so close to the pool and she goes flaying down into the water.

It took a few seconds to realize that Paula couldn't swim and even more seconds to remember that I should save her. Paula was going to drown if I didn't, I told myself, and she would be out of my life permanently. If she continued to live her existence would always remain a threat. Kongpob would pick her over me as he told me not too long ago. She is his soulmate while I am just an ordinary love that would die out in a few years. There's no way out for me.

But I can't let her die. I can't let Kongpob feel any pain from losing her. Also, if she dies then so does any chance I have of getting Kongpob to choose me. Even if the chance is slim, it is better than nothing.

I made a move to the water but then I heard a splash. Someone else had dived in and gotten to her. He went in deep and had his arm around then his head popped to the surface and my breath froze. It was Kongpob. I stood completely still watching as he swam to the edge and put Paula on top. He climbed over and began to perform CPR on her. Paula has lost consciousness but it only took two tries for her to throw up water and rouse.

I was standing there in a frozen state picturing how Kongpob must have seen this. I stood there for a long time instead of jumping in to save Paula. I don't need to guess what this looked like to him. He needed to know that it was an accident. I didn't mean to push her into the water. I have to tell him.

"Kongpob," I started to say.

"Don't." His voice was cold. I don't think I have ever heard it sound so cold. "Just go, right now!"

"It was an accident," I said slowly.

"I know, "he answered and finally looked at me. I thought he was mad but he just looked sad. "I know so just go, okay?"

No, he didn't know and I still needed to explain. "I will wait," I said, glancing at the still confused Paula, and walked out of the place, my head lowered.

It wasn't until I was outside the compound that I started to really understand what just happened. What did I just do? I can't believe I actually thought about killing Paula. I stood there too long hoping she would drown? This isn't something I would have been able to do before. Sure I hated Paula but not enough to want her dead, I didn't think. I hated that she was Kongpob's soulmate more than anything in the world but killing her... that thought hadn't even crossed my mind. Why did it have to be her? I was so sure that I would be cool and let Kongpob go if he ever found his soulmate. Why is it Paula and not me? It doesn't make any sense.

I was still worrying about it all and  Kongpob's reaction when he showed up, coming out sooner than I was expecting. I stood straight from the door of his car and followed his movement with my eyes but not looking at his face.

He stopped short at the gate, looking at me, and then he came towards me, turned around, and entered the driver's side without saying anything. He hates me now. I tried to kill his precious soulmate, he can't stand the sight of me.

The window behind me lowered and he said, "How long are you going to stand there for. Let's go."

I didn't ask any questions even though they were burning my throat and I entered the car. Kongpob also said nothing. He started the car and drove off into the street.

The silence was heavy. I could almost feel the weight on my head. I should explain myself, tell him that I lost my head in anger, that I didn't mean to hurt her. It wasn't my fault. I had no idea she was standing so close to the pool. I didn't actually push her into the pool. The words were on the tip of my tongue. Instead, I continued to sit in silence, squeezing the legs of my pants with my fingers, unable to raise my head. Terror has me in its grip and I don't want to meet Kongpob's eyes. I knew what I would find in there: hate, disgust, or worse nothing. I kept looking at my legs and so I didn't notice on time that we weren't going home.

"We are here," Kongpob announced. I raised my head and I could only see a hotel with some kind of party going on outside of it. We must have been driving for forty minutes and I felt stupid when I couldn't understand why we were at a hotel at this hour.

Kongpob was already getting out of the car before I could think to ask him. I took off my seat belt and followed him. "Where is this?" I asked.

"Can't you recognize it? We are in Hua sin. I just realized we've never been on a trip before."

"What?" I looked at him this time and he smiled at me.

"Looks like there's a party going on, let's go dance and have some fun."

"Wait... what?" I am starting to think that I missed something. Kongpob can't be fine with what just happened. He wasn't mad at me? He should be and he should not be looking at me as if everything was alright. Why is he acting like it is just another day?

"It's okay, P'Arthit." He walked up to me and held my gaze, checking, assessing. He didn't look angry at all and it was throwing me off. "Let's just have fun, okay."

What could I do but nod? He took my hand and pulled me with him. We enter a brightly lit room and a few people were dancing, talking, and eating. I didn't feel like eating let alone dancing. Kongpob however got us food.

"You didn't eat all day, P'Arthit. Come on, it looks good."

We found a table to seat and in front of me was a lot of food. Even if I was ravenously hungry I wouldn't be able to finish half of it. I guess it's all free so I shouldn't hold back or say anything to Kongpob. I just meet his eyes cautiously like a skittish cat and tried to convince my stomach I was hungry.

A taste of the fried chicken however changed its mind fast. I was hungry and although I shouldn't be so relaxed I finished the chicken effortlessly. Then I asked, "what are we doing, Kongpob?"

"Eating, drinking, having fun. A lot happened today, P'Arthit, we are both stressed out right now, so let's unwind with this." He took a long drink from his beer and burped. I wrinkle my nose and he laughed. "Come on, drink a little."

I accept the drink being shoved towards my mouth and drank. It felt good so I drank some more. We have time; we can talk about this later since that's what Kongpob wanted.

We sang to the songs, and talked with some people who helped us polish all the food on our table. I checked the time and it was past midnight. Kongpob left to get us a room and the thought of sharing a hotel room with Kongpob started to make me nervous.

I can't explain why it feels like I have butterflies dancing in my stomach when we practically live together and sometimes were shared the bed but this felt different, new and it made my heart race. It felt I suppose like I would if this was about to be my first time.

"We've got a room," Kongpob said to me waving keys and the tension in my heart rose a little more. I swallowed and followed him. We walked through quiet corridors and found the room. Kongpob opened it and entered but I paused at the door.

"Kongpob wait, I have to say this." I was standing at the threshold, scared for my heart that felt so full it was about to burst. I love Kongpob so much sometimes, yet even I can see that it isn't—shouldn't be so strong it bordered on madness. Though I tried to resist loving him this deeply, I can't help it. It lives in every cell of my being so I know I won't survive it if I lose him, If he hates me and I can't make him love me again.

"I told you it's okay," he said with a sad tilt of his head.

I shook my head. "It's not. I didn't act on time, and I was frozen. It was an accident, I promise, but there was just this moment, I swear it only lasted a second, and I just...I didn't want to save her. I would have, I was going to, but—"

He nodded and came to me. His arms wrapped around my waist and he cupped my cheek. There was so much feeling in his eyes, that my heart softened over. "I know. You won't hurt anyone, P'Arthit. You don't have to explain yourself. It just happened and Paula is safe so there is no point beating yourself up about it. Right?"

I exhaled and nodded. "Yeah... so... don't hate me." His fingers caressed my cheek, sending tingles all over my body. I was fixated on that feeling and his eyes.

"P'Arthit, that's not something you ever have to worry about, Okay?"

He let go of my waist and held out his hand to me. "Let's go to bed."

I flushed as I took his hand without hesitation. He pulled sharply and I was pressed against him, my lips kissed. I felt him shut the door as I kiss back with all the longing inside of me.

I can't get enough of kissing him. We are kissing hard, our breaths heavy as we walked toward the bed. His fingers found my clothes and pulled them up and off by the hem. My coat and shirt came off. I bite his neck in almost delirious hunger. I guess I have been starved of this person for so long that I felt anything short of eating him wouldn't be enough.

When my clothes came off and fell to the floor, I find his mouth again. Kissing him, biting him, and trying to bury myself into him. I couldn't seem to get enough of it.

This felt surreal, almost too good. His touches, and his kisses excited me to an extent that felt like drug, I don't know why it feels so good. I don't ever want to stop. He pushed me on the bed and straddled my thighs as he continued to kiss me till I was completely absorbed in him. I want all of him and I couldn't seem to reach it all. A frustrated groan tore from my throat and I grip his face harder, and kissed him deeper. I needed more of that mouth. That's when I felt the tears on my fingers. A confusing feeling when I felt so good, and very distracting.

I tried to stop but Kongpob won't let me pull away. I could actually hear him crying now but he just won't stop touching me. "Kongpob, wait, stop."

I had to force him onto his back and keep our bodies apart for him to stop and then he pushed me off, sat up and covered his face, crying so quietly but with such hard tremors.

"Why?" I asked.

He didn't respond, just rocked his body forward and kept crying till his nose was blocked. I felt like crying too seeing him like this. It wasn't okay after all.

"Please tell me," I begged, my voice shaking a little.

"I..." he panted through tears, "ruin everything I touch. I don't deserve anything good. "

"No, it's not your fault. I did that, I am the only one responsible for my actions."

He shook his head, still not looking at me. "You don't understand. I loved her in the past and she kept dying because of me, yet I tied her into the soulmate bound. I thought... I thought that if I loved someone else this time that it wouldn't be the same but—"he was cut short by his tears. "I just cause so much pain for everyone. I spread sadness around me and I infest anything I touch."

"Please Kongpob, stop saying that. You've only brought me happiness, I promise."

"No, P'Arthit. I am ruining your life, turning you into something you are not. It's me. I am the reason everything happened like this."

"Kongpob—" I choked. "I love you, I don't care what happens me, I want to keep loving you, okay. I can't imagine not having you. The thought makes my heart hurt so much. " I wish he could see how much I needed him so he would know that he was good to me. He was everything to me.

"It never ends, P'Arthit. "He finally looked at me, his eyes red and wet. I pulled him closer and hugged him hard. I wanted all the pain in his heart. I don't want him to suffer anymore.

We hug each other and slowly curled into bed. Kongpob was still crying and I rubbed his back gently as we begin to fall asleep. I notice a painful sore on his neck in the bleary of sleep and wondered where it came from.

In the morning I woke up to an empty bed. Kongpob was gone. He didn't leave a note, he was just gone. I hurried to the apartment looking for him but he wasn't there either. At a loss I just stood in the middle of our empty apartment turning around. My head began to pound as I recall all that happened last night.

We were both exhausted when we fell asleep in each other's arms. My last thought was that we would talk about Kongpob's past again so that we can solve this problem once and for all. Kongpob had felt so warm and so good in my arms. I couldn't have been happier in that moment. I thought that when I woke up we would return to our lives different but together.

Why is he gone now? where is he?

Oh right, my pounding heart held on to something. Kongpob was injured last night, maybe... maybe he went to get drugs. But I have been calling his phone and it hasn't been connecting. Maybe he went home? Where is Kongpob's home again? I'll ask Nue. She would know.

I pull out my phone with trembling hands and called. "Nue," I said immediately she answered. "Where does Kongpob live with his family? "

"Kongpob? Why?"

"Just tell me!"

"Okay! Jeez." She rattled off an address and I was out the door before she even finished.

I ran around looking for Kongpob, hoping her would call or turn up any moment but instead I find out that he had disappeared with Paula. Why that hit me so hard I wouldn't ever know. Why I didn't think to look for her first was just plain stupidity. Last night Kongpob had been scared that I almost killed his soulmate and so he took her with him so that I couldn't. How stupid could I be, when he kissed me I felt his love for me and I thought it was real. I thought that he was mine but he was hers. I am so stupid. Argh.

Here I am in the middle of the road standing there foolishly looking at the sky, wishing I could see him. But I can't, Kongpob has gone somewhere I can't find and he is out of reach so I can't ask him any questions or just punch him for doing this to me. What am I going to do now, huh. Pain pierced me everywhere and gathered inside of me, burning and hurting and I just couldn't breathe, I let out a scream into the sky.

"Argh." I tried to contain the tears but how can I win. This is breaking me into pieces. "Damn you! DAMN YOU!"

The end...

Author's Note: as said at the beginning of the story, this is a three part series. I hope to immediately start the last and final part of the story but I am always very busy so don't expect any quick updates and please don't hate me. I am sorry to break your heart a little but I hope part three heals all of the burns and scars. Thanks for staying with the story till the end.