Fishlegs could talk. And talk and talk and talk. He felt the insatiable need to share every possible iota of his extremely extensive tax knowledge with his two travelling companions. Hiccup had closed his eyes and rested back against the wall, trying to zone out the droning details of tax minutiae and fight the thumping headache he had developed. He was exhausted, cramped and his stump was really hurting. And they were barely halfway to Berserk...

Astrid was clearly astonishingly bored, though she was more comfortable as she had managed to get up to sit on the top of one of her huge suitcases. She had wedged herself against the wall and was trying to stay awake. Her head nodded and she blinked. Even Meatlug was snoring as Fishlegs happily droned on and on about tax codes.

"You know, had you spoken to me, I could have ensured you had a much better financial situation following your divorce, Astrid," he said superiorly. Astrid's eyes snapped open and her fair brows dipped into a fierce scowl.

"What?" she said icily. Oblivious, the husky man grinned.

"I could have enabled you to make some very prudent financial plans to protect your interests after your marriage dissolved..."  Hiccup's eyes snapped open and he tried to make some frantic gestures to the big accountant. Astrid was wide awake now, her azure eyes absolutely frigid with anger.

"My marriage didn't dissolve," she growled. "It was blasted to bits when my slimebag half-troll gutless bastard husband cheated on me with thirteen cheerleaders, seven female soccer players, a gymnast and the stadium announcer at Visithug!"

Fishlegs gaped and Hiccup cringed: he'd heard Astrid's tone before, usually just before she had punched him or flattened someone who got in her way on the soccer field. As Captain of the school team, she had been a demon midfielder with a reputation for crunching tackles and a volcanic temper.

Strange how those things come back to you, Hiccup thought. Why did I want to go out with her again? But at that point, Fishlegs proved he didn't remember her reputation-or have an ounce of common sense in his body.

"All the more reason to have made sure you secured your financial future after the divorce..." he protested. In an instant, Astrid was on her feet, jabbing her finger sharply into his chest.

"Look here, Philip," she snapped, jabbing, "the absolute last thing I need after my heart has been broken and I've lost pretty much everything in the divorce is to have the boringest man alive drone on about taxes for three hours and then have the nerve to tell me how he could have helped out by sorting my damned tax code! The only way you could've helped was if you had gone and bored my ex husband to death and stopped the swine hiding all his money and spending the rest!" Fishlegs looked hurt.

"You thought I was boring?" he asked.

"Deadly..." Astrid growled.

"Harsh, Ast," he protested. "I was only trying to help and you were just mean and cruel..." He turned to Hiccup, who was cringing back. "What do you think, Harry?" Hiccup waved his hands desperately.

"Oh, please leave me out of this!" he protested. "I was trying to doze..."

"There!" Astrid said triumphantly. "You bored him to sleep!" 

"Now look here," Fishlegs said in an annoyed voice and jostled Astrid. She shoved him backwards and he tripped backwards over Meatlug, who yelped. One flailing hand caught Hiccup across the face...and the other grabbed the communication cord.

The ensuing screech of braking train and sudden deceleration threw the hapless trio around and into a heap under Astrid's luggage. Hiccup groaned, Astrid cursed and Fishlegs wailed for Meatlug. As they were trying to disentangle themselves from each other, the guard arrived and glared at them.

"I knew you were trouble," he growled. "So who pulled the communication cord?"

All eyes turned to Fishlegs, who waved sheepishly.

"Oh dear..." he said.

oOo

The train disappeared around the bend in the track and vanished from view. The three ejected passengers and dog stared after it for a long moment as they stood by the side of the tracks beside the huge pile of luggage.

"This was all your fault!" Astrid snapped, righting her suitcases. "If you hadn't been so boring, insensitive and generally oblivious, we'd still be on the train!" Fishlegs glared at her.

"Well, excuse me," he said sarcastically, "but I believe we wouldn't be here if your bad temper hadn't made you assault me and cause me to lose my footing!"

"I don't have a bad temper! Support me, Harry!"

"Oh Thor, are you sure? I mean, I might be whining about something like a minor bump that trashed my bike!" he replied. She froze and turned on him.

"You men are all the same!" she hissed. Hiccup stared at her and his eyes widened in shock.

"Look here, Astrid Hofferson," he said sternly. "I find that insulting in the extreme. I shared my motel room with you, didn't call the cops when I should've for your dangerous driving, helped drag your frankly insanely heavy luggage around, got you to this station and bought you the ticket because you are broke! How-how is that being the same as all other men, including your ex-husband?"

"You've been nothing but mean and sarcastic!" she told him angrily. "Everything is my fault!"

"Actually most of it is..." he began but then saw her eyes shimmer with tears. "Philip-a moment, please?" Fishlegs was still glaring but he nodded.

"Meatlug needs a walk anyway," he grumbled as Hiccup walked closer to Astrid. She blinked.

"This is the trip from Helheim," he told her gently. "I saw your face and I guess you aren't any more keen to get back to your kith and kin than I am really..." She wiped tears off her cheeks.

"Thor, does anyone say kith and kin nowadays?" she asked.

"My Dad," Hiccup sighed, gently wiping a tear from her cheek. She blinked and looked up into his kind face. "I'm sorry, Astrid-but I am sarcastic. That's who I am. But I'm especially so when I'm hurting all over and have my most prized possession wrecked through someone's carelessness-that they tried to worm out of responsibility for." She blushed. "I know you're hurt and vulnerable too-but you can't attack everyone for your personal problems."

She gave him a betrayed look, but he gently stroked her damp cheek with the back of his hand.

"Astrid, last night, when we just talking and not trying to score points off each other, you were a really nice girl. And if we hadn't met the way we did and we weren't limping or dragging all your worldly goods halfway across the country, I'd ask you out in a second." She sighed and leaned close to him. His arm gently slid around her and she lifted her head to stare into his mesmerising emerald eyes and gave a wan smile.

"And you know what?" she replied softly. "I would say yes." Emboldened, he pecked a small kiss on her cheek.

"It'll all work out, Astrid," he reassured her. "We will get home for Snoggletog." She blinked and nodded.

"Promise?" she asked softly. He nodded.

"Though Thor knows how," he sighed, then grabbed the super heavy case he seemed to be in charge of and dragged it away from the tracks. "There's a road over there," he suggested. "Maybe we should try hitching..." She nodded and grabbed her case, hold-all and bag.

"I'm ready," she said determinedly. Hiccup grinned.

"And please try not to kill Fishlegs," he said in an amused voice. "I really think he doesn't realise he's so boring and well...oblivious..." She glanced at him and then smiled.

"I make no promises...but I'll try," she murmured as they dragged the heavy cases towards the road.

oOo

"It has to be the dog," Astrid grumbled as about the fortieth car raced by them. "They slow down briefly..and then they see her and they speed up..."

Hiccup gave a brief pause: he was certain most of them slowed down at the very arresting sight of Astrid...but then accelerated away when they realised the beautiful blonde came with a biker, a husky accountant, a British Bulldog and a mountain of luggage. For a start, most cars couldn't hope to fit all of that in, even if they had wanted to.

"You're so mean about Meatlug," Fishlegs protested in a wounded voice, crouching down and tousling the dog's ears. "Don't listen to her, girl: she's just jealous." Astrid opened her mouth to scorch a retort but Hiccup caught her eye and with an effort, she bit back her response.

"Maybe it's me?" Hiccup suggested. "I mean...car driver...biker type...I'm sure you two would do better without me..." There was a pause and both considered it...but Astrid stared at him and shook her head.

"If it wasn't for me, you would already be in Berk with your family," she reminded him. "I'm not leaving you behind. We all go...or no one goes..."

"Oh Thor, you had to say it, didn't you?" Fishlegs accused her. "That means No One goes!"

"And you accused me of being whiny," Hiccup reminded her sarcastically. The girl shrugged.

"Yeah. Wow. Never would have guessed you were way second," she commented cheerfully. Fishlegs gave a hurt look.

"I don't remember you being so mean at school," he muttered.

"Hadn't just got divorced," Astrid commented. "Look, here's another car. I have an idea..."

"What-are you going to hijack the car?" Fishlegs grumbled.

"No-get out of sight! I'll handle this!" she snapped. Hiccup dived behind the nearest bush while Fishlegs just stood back a couple of paces with Meatlug. Astrid rolled her eyes. "Ugh-that dog will certainly scare this one off!" she growled then adopted a smile and stride to the edge of the Highway, sticking out an arm and waving.

Hiccup peered from his vantage point. Astrid was showing quite a lot of leg and he would have slowed down to help even if the Frost Giants had been after him. And it seemed the driver of the orange Mustang had the same thought because he pulled into the side of the road by Astrid, revving the growling engine suggestively. The window slid down and a cocky face leered through.

"Hiya, babe," he grinned. There was a pause and Astrid stiffened.

"SNOTLOUT JORGENSEN???" she exclaimed. Hiccup ducked back, breathing hard. Snotlout was his cousin and premier tormentor during school: there was a real chance he would recognise Hiccup...and Hiccup didn't want to see him anyway. He stilled and listened to the encounter.

"Astrid. Hey babe-this is your lucky day. Snotlout to the rescue!"

"Urge," she said before catching herself and turned the exclamation into a cough. "I mean, this is a surprise!"

Snotlout leaned out if the window, waggling his dark eyebrows. His blue eyes swept appreciatively over Astrid's lithe form and his leer widened. Consciously, he flexed his muscles, his bare arms rippling. Despite the cold, he was in a sleeveless white shirt and black leather vest, a 'Berk High' cap jammed over his jet hair.

"It must be fate," he said confidently. He never lacked self-assurance and was convinced Astrid was in love with him. In fact, his persistence was one of the reasons Astrid had left Berk. "You and me, the open road, a fast car..." He revved the car again and the engine roared. It sounded to Hiccup's expert ear like the exhaust had been modified to make the engine sound rougher.

"I could do with a ride," she admitted. Snotlout grinned.

"Both our lucky days," he oozed. "We can find a nice motel, spent a little time catching up..."

"Snotlout, I have a couple of friends and we really need a ride back to Berk..." Astrid said through her teeth. Snotlout pulled a face, his big hand grasping hers as he leaned close.

"Awww...they'll cramp my style..." he protested. "Ditch the losers, babe, and give yourself over to the Snotman love guru!"

Hiccup heard her voice hitch in a mixture of anger and upset...and his chest welled with anger as he heard the dismissal of the others and persistent flirting with Astrid. He glanced at the car: an orange Mustang with flames along the side, a dragon's head painted on the hood, widened air inlets and customised chrome exhaust. It was clear his cousin hadn't grown up at all in the last six years.

"Son of a rancid half-troll! If you think I want to even consider anything with you that may involve a love guru, then you are even stupider than you look!" Astrid's voice rang out loudly. "And another thing: this is supposed to be a season of goodwill and neighbourliness and for you to suggest leaving two guys in the middle of nowhere while you kidnap me just shows what an utter slimebag you are!"

"Hey, babe-I don't see them driving you back to Berk?" he sneered. "I just see a loser with a load of bags and two strangers hiking like trash...and you ain't getting any younger!"

Hiccup glanced at the car: Snotlout and Astrid were squaring off so Hiccup ducked down and ran to the back of the car, heading the the gas tank and reaching into his pocket. He gave a small smile...

Snotlout grabbed Astrid and pressed a very sloppy kiss on her mouth. Her eyes widened and she squeaked and tried to wrestle free, finally breaking his hold. She staggered back, wiping her mouth with her hand.

"Okay, babe-now will you see sense? Hop in and I'll show you the time of your life!" he leered. Astrid glared.

"I'd rather freeze to death!" she snapped and punched him in the face. Fishlegs and Hiccup raced forward but Snotlout wiped his bleeding mouth and glared.

"Enjoy freezing then!" he sneered, dropped his foot and roared away.

"Asshole!!!!" Astrid screamed after him, throwing a one-fingered salute. Fishlegs walked forward with a slobbery Meatlug. The dog sneezed.

"Wow, I agree," he muttered to her. "He couldn't be more of an asshole!" Astrid stomped back towards him as Hiccup smiled.

"What're you grinning at, Biker Boy?" she snapped. He lifted his left hand, showing a sheath of empty packets of sugar.

"I doubt he'll be going far," he commented. Astrid stared at him. "Not with these in his gas tank..."

"You sabotaged his car?" she demanded and he grinned.

"Only after he turned us down and upset you," he admitted. She punched him in the shoulder.

"Owww!" he protested. "What was that for?"

"Hiding!"

"But you told us to hide!"

"I know!" she said and lunged forward, kissing him on the cheek. "And that's for everything else!"

He blushed and blinked. "Um...wow," he mumbled. Fishlegs sighed.

"At this rate, we won't even be home for NEXT Snoggletog!" he grumbled. Astrid gave a smug smile as Hiccup grabbed one of her cases and the little trio began their weary trudge north.

"Shut up and walk," she said.