XXXI. you're alive in my head

5 YEARS AGO.

      There's an image of a girl standing on a deck in front of the marsh. It was incredibly windy and the wind was blowing through her small brown curls. All you can see is her back, clothed by a bright pink T-shirt and white cargo shorts. The ripples in the water grew fierce from the blowing wind. Her large brown eyes stare at the water with panic and she searches all around. "JOHN B!" A young Dylan shouted, the blowing wind carrying her echos. 

She spun around, looking side to side, and she ran down the dock. "John B! John B!" She continued to shout. There was still no response from the boy. It was a simple game of hide and seek but Dylan couldn't find him anywhere. She looked all inside the house, the front and back yard, but he was nowhere in sight and Dylan was scared. "John B!"

She thought the worst. John B was small and though he grew up right on the marsh, he still wasn't the best swimmer. They were the only two outside. Dylan's eyes began to swell with tears. "John B!" She shouted again with a crack in her voice.

Suddenly, she let out a loud scream when she felt someone fall on top of her. She stumbled to the ground, her hands and knees scrapping on the deck. "Ow!" She shouted in pain.

The familiar laugh of John Booker Routledge filled her ears. "I got you! I win!" He cheered in victory.

"Get off of me!" Dylan groaned and pushed the boy off of her. "Where did you come from?" She asked and looked around for where he might have came from.

He only smirked and pointed upwards, her eyes looking up to see that he was pointing to the tree that was the closest to the deck. Dylan pushed him by his shoulders. "You idiot, I thought you fell got kidnapped or something!" She snapped.

"Aww, you were worried about me, DJ?" John B teased.

She glared at him and her eyes shined with tears. "I hate you." She snapped again and swiftly got up from the ground, storming off the deck.

John B's loud laugh echoed and he quickly chased after her. "I'm sorry. I'm sorry!" He shouted and grabbed her arm when he caught up with her.

Dylan turned around and crossed her arms, still glaring at him.

John B gave her a look. "You know you can't stay mad at me."

No answer.

"Dylannn. . ."

She raised an eyebrow.

John B groaned and threw his head back. "You're annoying."

"You're a jerk."

"That's original."

"That's original." She mocked.

"Don't mock me."

"Don't mock me."

"Fine then. Why are you always so dramatic?" He sassed and walked past her, his feet stomping on the ground.

Dylan stood there with her knees and palms bleeding. She looked down at her shoes and her eyes watered. She felt a tear fall down her face. His words hurt her more than they should have. He was just mad but he never thought about what he said when he was mad.

When John B didn't get a response, he stopped walking and turned around to see Dylan still standing there with her head down and he knew she was crying. Feeling guilty, he sighed and walked back to her. He stood beside her and wrapped his arms around her neck. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean it," he said sincerely.

Dylan wiped her eyes and sniffled. "You're always mean to me when you're mad." She said in a small voice.

"I know, but I don't mean it. You know I can't stay mad at you."

Dylan lifted her head and showed him her watery brown eyes. "I know I'm dramatic but promise me that you'll stop being mean. You're the only friend I have." She ordered with a frown.

John B nodded and smiled. "I promise. You're stuck with me for like, DJ."

"Yay me." She said sarcastically but hugged him back, anyway.

NOW.

There's an unexplainable pain when you lose a best friend. It's deeper than a heartbreak and more painful than a cut. It runs deep in your veins, embedding itself into the heart so that every time you breathe, you're forced to take in the aching torment. They say there are five stages of grief. Denial always comes first. When Dylan opened her phone, she found herself clicking on John B's name, but he never answered because he couldn't.

Then there's anger. After the tenth time of calling him and hearing his stupid voicemail, she threw her go home across the room and screamed till her face was red. She trashed her room that was always neat and tidy. Her mother found her crying on the floor with shards of glass from everything she broke surrounding her. She didn't even care that her knees and palms were bleeding.

Bargaining; Dylan prayed that if he brought John B and Sarah back, she would do better. She would focus more on school and on her future, and that she would give up the stupid treasure hunt that caused their deaths in the first place. She could wish all day and all night, but nothing would change. They were dead, their bodies most likely at the bottom of the ocean, their flesh blue and deteriorating. The thought seeped deep within her, welcoming the final and most powerful stage.

Depression, only that stage lingered around longer than the others. Dylan laid in her bed, under the covers, and she stared at the wall across from her. She hadn't moved in what felt like forever. Her bones screamed at her to move but she couldn't. She was completely numb to everything. Her phone buzzed like crazy for the last three days. She didn't bother to bother to check it as she already knew what the notifications were.

I'm sorry for your loss. I love you, Dylan. I'm so sorry, Dylan. I hope you're doing okay. It was all the same. She couldn't take it. Couldn't stomach it. She felt like the flowers that were currently wilting on her window sill because she hadn't been bothered to water them.

Grief is a love's souvenir. It's proof that we were once loved. Grief is the receipt you wave in the air that says to the world: look! Love was once hers because she was loved by her best friends and now they were gone, and Dylan was paying the price.

There was a soft knock on her door but Dylan did not have the energy to tell them to go away. After a minute or two, there was another knock. "Dylan?" It was Kiara. "Dylan, can I come in?"

The girl didn't respond, feeling like everything she wanted to say was stuck in her throat. But Kiara knew her and she opened her bedroom door anyway. She peered her head inside. "Hey, honey," Kiara spoke and sat on the edge of the bed. Her heart broke as she watched her best friend in the frozen state. She had never seen her look so broken. Kiara reached forward and pushed away the hair that covered her birth mark.  "We were going to do carve John B's tree. Are you going?"

Dylan still didn't say anything. Her hands were underneath her head and all she wanted was to bury herself under the covers. Then, she felt guilty, because John B was Kiara's best friend, too. She float him, too.

"We're all worried about you, DJ," Kiara continued while keeping her voice the same soft tone. "Especially Pope. You know how he gets. We don't want to do anything without you. Not until we're all ready."

Dylan looked at her, twisting her head to face her. When she saw the sadness in Kiara's eyes, that's when she finally broke. Kiara quickly leaned forward and hugged her tightly as the girl let out a heartbreaking cry. "I'm sorry," she managed to say,  her sobs now becoming silent. "I'm being selfish."

Kiara quickly shook her head. "No, are you kidding me? You're the most selfless person I know. John B was like your brother. You deserve to mourn. We're all here for you, DJ. You're not alone, I promise."

How was it possible for somebody's whole to change over the course of only three days? Dylan loved her life. She loved living her life. But now, Dylan would give anything to not have to feel like this. All the guilt and the grief, she couldn't get rid of it. But he was alive in her head, the memories of their final goodbye playing over and over like a broken record. She could still hear the sound of his stupid laugh echoing like the sound of thunder and she felt haunted by the last thing he ever said to her. 

"Don't stop living, DJ."

Dylan stood completely still, feeling numb as she watched Pope hack into the wood of John B's tree. Hack, after hack, after hack, she grew more numb as she watched the tree she grew up around be carved into the shape of a heart. Kiara stood by her side, their hands interlocked. JJ heated up a metal bar with a blow torch that he had brought. They watched as he seared the words into the heart.

2003                                 2020
John B Routledge
P4L

Pope stood beside Dylan and laced his fingers with her other hand. They spoke silent words to each other through the contact, the words neither of them had the strength to say.

JJ raised the flask he was holding. "To John B." He spoke, his voice broken and monotoned.

"And to Sarah," Kiara declared weakly, for they could never forget the girl that helped them along the way.

Tears stung the brims of Dylan's eyes as she stared at the carving in the tree. She felt felt completely disconnected from her own body, like she was just floating. "Um–"  she began to say and let go of Kiara and Pope's hands. She reached into her back pocket. "I wrote something. I know it sounds kinda lame, but. . ."

"Say whatever you want, Dylan." Kiara said,  wholeheartedly.

Pope nodded in agreement. "We're listening." He told her, his heart hurting just like all of theirs.

She glanced at them all, JJ silently giving her a nod.  She stepped forward hesitantly, looking between the tree and the piece of paper in her hand. She unfolded the paper. "Okay,  um. . ." she hesitated and cleared her throat. "John B, from the very beginning I knew you would be in my life forever. I remember the first time I decided on this when we were six years old and you saved me from drowning. We were on your dad's boat and I saw a fish in the water. When I went to grab it, I accidentally fell in and you jumped in to save me.  You said you would always be there to save me and you kept that promise all of our lives.

Until now, and I cannot fathom that you're not here. I've been going through the motions but I still can't seem to grasp the fact that you're gone. I see you when I close my eyes. I see you when I wake up. And I see you when I stare at my phone, hoping that someday you'll pick up—" she stopped when she felt a tickle in her throat and a tear ran down her face. She sniffled before continuing. "You always said that you were invincible but I think this proves that you were still just a boy, a boy who got an unfair ending.

All of our lives, we have been flying off the cliff and I've always known that if you or one of our friends jumped,  I would jump too because that's who we are. We're a family. But if I had known that that day was going to be the last day I ever saw you again, I would have jumped into the water and begged you to not go. Wherever you and Sarah are, I hope you know that you'll forever have a piece of me. I promise that I won't stop living. I love you, Bird."

Dylan felt a pair of arms wrap around her from behind and she fell into them. She covered her face with one of her hands and cried loudly, Pope's lips pressing to the side of her head multiple times. Kiara and JJ molded into them, standing on either side of the girl and their arms wrapped around each other. Dylan clutched the letter to her chest and the five stages of grief all hit her at once.