Nitya

Clutching my one hand with the other over my knees, I wait for my husband to enter the room.

I'm married now, to a man named Pratham Bhardwaj. Apart from his name, the other two things that I know about him are that he is seven years older than me, and he is the younger brother of Yash Bhaiyya's best friend, Naman Bhardwaj.

I have met Namanji only twice when he came to our house with Bhaiyya. Both the times he was good to me. Even told me that I'm also like a sister to him.

That is somewhat reassuring to me because I feel I at least know someone in midst of all the strangers here.

A wave of trepidation unfurls within me as I look at the door, wondering how the beginning of my married life would be.

In just a matter of ten days, this significant change has occurred in my life. This marriage that will most certainly alter my life. And I'm anxious about how this change will be.

After Babuji gave the ultimatum to Bhaiyya regarding my marriage to happen within the two weeks and also him getting that land within a month, we all were too stressed about it.

We had never seen Babuji behave that way, after all. He used to get angry, but he used to listen when Maa and Bhaiyya reasoned with him.

Of course, he never listened to me, but this time he didn't budge from his decision even when Maa and Bhaiyya relentlessly tried to convince him. Instead of being convinced, he completely stopped talking with all of us.

So, getting worried by his stance and also his degrading health due to him not eating properly, Bhaiyya took a decision and Maa also sided with him.

Bhaiyya told me about his Namanji's brother, who recently returned to his village after completing his studies abroad. He also told me about their family being affluential and rich with good values and morals too.

I was slightly apprehensive about it because Prathamji's village is about eight hours farther from mine and also, I felt nervous about marrying a man who returned from abroad. I was worried whether he would want a simple village girl like me to be his wife or not.

But when I told this to my brother and mother, they only reassured me, saying that Prathamji would be happy getting a wife like me.

Although I was fully not reassured, I agreed to it, because Babuji's health was degrading day by day, and no medicines given by Vaidji (doctor) was working on him.

After getting a yes from me, Bhaiyya immediately talked about this alliance with his friend.

To this day, I don't know what Bhaiyya told Namanji that he also said yes to the marriage proposal.

I did ask Bhaiyya what he said and how this marriage was fixed, but he only told me not to worry about anything else and prepare myself to being a good wife and daughter-in-law.

And just like that, in a matter of only ten days after the marriage was fixed, I got married to Prathamji.

I swallow, feeling my mouth go dry, when I again think about my husband.

The first time I saw him was on the wedding mandap (altar), and I've to admit that my heart had stutter when I had briefly looked at his face before averting my gaze.

As I had ambled to the mandap, I mostly kept my head lowered, but just once I had looked up, wanting to get a glimpse of the man I was about to marry.

A small smile had lighted my face when I saw his handsome face. It so happened that we looked at each other at the same time and a flash of something strange ran within me. I'm not sure what it was, but it made me gulp and quickly lower my eyes.

I didn't look up after that. My head was lowered until all the wedding proceedings were over.

Soon after that, the bidaai ceremony was done, and I was ushered to a car with my husband to travel to his village. Even during the travel, Prathamji didn't say a word to me, but I could feel his stiff stance as he sat beside me in the car.

Is Prathamji not happy with this marriage? Is that why he looked disinterested and also somewhat troubled during the whole wedding proceedings?

I shake my head to shrug off that negative thought.

If he didn't want to get married to me, he wouldn't have. Right?

As much as I try to convince myself, a nagging feeling in my heart doesn't let go. It only unfurls more nervousness within me.

My thoughts get interrupted as well as my heartbeat fastens when the door suddenly opens and someone enters the room.

Although my face is covered by the ghunghat (veil), I recognize the person to be Prathamji from the sherwani that he is wearing.

Tightening the hold of my hands over my knee, I wait in anticipation for him to say something.

My friends, who got married before me, have told me what happened in their wedding night. They all said it was a duty we needed to fulfill, whether we liked it or not.

Even Maa told me the same thing right before the marriage.

"Agar dard ho, toh seh lena. Baad mein aadat pad jayegi aur jyaada dard bhi nahi hoga," she had said, affectionately stroking my head.

("Even if it pains you, tolerate it. You will get used to it after some time, and then it won't hurt much too.")

Tears fill my eyes as I remember my mother. It has only been a few hours since I left her, but I already miss her.

Being in this new environment, my anxiety has only been increasing, making me want to go back to my village and my home where I grew up.

But then, Babuji's words ring in my ears. "Ab se tere pati ka ghar hi tera ghar hai. Yeh ab sirf tera mayka hai, jahaan tu kabhi kabaar hi aapayegi. Yeh baat hamesha yaad rakhna. Aur apne ghar ko thik se samhalna aur saath saath apni sari zimmedari bhi thik se nibhana. Wahaan jake hamara naak mat katwadena."

("From now, your husband's home is your home. This is only your parents' house, where you will be coming only once or twice in a while. Always remember this. And make sure to handle everything in your house properly along with fulfilling all your responsibilities properly there. Don't you dare cause any harm to our reputation there.")

I had felt a pinch in my heart then, seeing more of relief on his face rather than tears or even slight sadness at my departure.

Bhaiyya also looked anguished, crying as he hugged me and told me to take proper care of myself. But the thing that had filled me with trepidation was the scared look on his face along with the angst at me leaving the house. I am unsure whether it was only my imagination or if he really was scared about something.

What must have happened that Bhaiyya looked so scared at that time?

I jolt out of my thoughts when I hear Prathamji clear his throat.

"I am going to take a bath," he says. "You too take off your jewelry till then. After that, you can also freshen up and retire for the night."

I'm stunned by what he said. Although I had not known what to expect tonight, I definitely didn't expect this.

"Umm, actually—" I begin reticently, but abruptly stop when Prathamji walks to the bathroom, closing the door behind him.

Yeh toh meri baat sune bina hi chale gaye.

(He went away without listening to me.)

I feel a pinch in my heart when I look at the empty space in front of me where Prathamji was standing just a few seconds back.

Dread fills my heart and tears gather in my eyes as I wonder if my thought about him not being happy with this marriage was true.

No, Nitya. Don't think anything bad. Perhaps he is tired after the long journey. Although I try to reassure myself, my restlessness doesn't recede.

~~~~~

When I hear bathroom's door open, I immediately put the pallu over my head and stand from the chair where I was seated while taking off my jewelry.

"You too go and take a bath," Prathamji says while drying his hair with the towel.

I clench and unclench my fingers, feeling nervous in front of him, yet wanting to talk with him.

"Umm...," I begin in trembling voice. "May I ask you a question?"

"Yes? What do you want to ask?"

I gulp, wanting to smack my head for not thinking properly about what to ask him and how to go on about it.

It would be too brazen for me to ask why he wants us to only take a bath and sleep on our wedding night.

No, no. How can I ask such direct question? What will Prathamji think of me?

It's not that I want him to do what my friends told me about their husband did with them on their wedding night. In fact, I'm relieved that he has not mentioned about it yet, because I feel I am not ready at all.

Yes, I would have submitted to him if he had initiated the intimacy because Maa have explained to me that it's my duty and I need to fulfill it. But I might not have been fully comfortable with it.

It could be because Prathamji and I are total strangers to each other and it will definitely take some time for us to get comfortable around each other.

Yet, more than that, I feel like the uneasiness seeping between us is from the Prathamji's stiff demeanor and the way he is talking with me.

Although I am relieved we are not getting physically intimate, but I would have liked for us to talk for some time before sleeping.

"What do you want to say, Nitya? Hurry up and say it," Prathamji says, his voice slightly louder than before.

Hearing his severe voice, I feel I won't be able to utter a word, let alone ask him anything.

"Umm, nothing," I say in a low voice, and taking a change of clothes for the night, I turn and go to the bathroom to freshen up.