I took the bus to school. It was weird not walking with Phil but I would have to get used to it. Phil wasn't going to be there for me. Outside the window I watched people walk by. Each of them had their own lives, own struggles, but they walked just like it were any other day. Just another day. That was all it was, really, but so much had happened yesterday that I couldn't make myself believe today was the same as it had been two months ago or even just two days ago. I wished every day could be like the day I ate cereal with Phil in his room and it felt like the world couldn't touch us. But you can't just put a moment of your life on loop forever, things change. People change. Or at least how you see them does.

I felt my phone buzz in my lap, cutting off my music temporarily. I hadn't told Chris and PJ about what happened at dance yet so I assumed it was them. My heart nearly stopped when I saw Phil's name in bold text on the screen. Except the message wasn't from Phil, it was just talking about him. I nearly dropped my phone right back down in my lap when I saw Jessica had sent it. What did she want now? Hadn't she already done enough damage?
"Phil let it slip about dance class. He'll be distraught if you're not here :( ... after all he can't win the bet if you're gone x"
"What bet?" I messaged despite my better judgment telling me to ignore her. I tried to convince myself she was just trying to wind me up and that I shouldn't react but it didn't work.
"Don't you worry about that, we'll just give him another one x"
I clenched my phone so tightly in my hand that the edges of my fingers turned red. My white knuckles looked more intense as they clashed with my back case. I stared at the text over and over until my vision was too blurry to read it any longer. I couldn't work out what the bet could've been. To get close to me? No, he'd already won that. To fuck me? No, he would stop things before they got too far. So what was it?

I'd had enough of the silly little games Jessica was playing. I wasn't going to be the pawn whilst she got to be the Queen - all high and mighty as she got to move anywhere, do anything, and everyone protected her. I did something I hadn't done in so long. A burst of courage made me hit call on her contact.
"Jessica," I said as soon as she answered. "What was the bet?"
"Awe Dani! It's so good to hear your voice again," she said in her sickly sweet tone. I grimaced.
"I'm not fucking around! Tell me!" I snapped, feeling all the pent up aggression and even grief fill my tone.
The person in the aisle seat across from me moved over one to the window seat. Most, if not all, the people on the bus had heard me. Jessica had heard it too. She knew I was not messing about.
"Look," she said and sighed. "It was simple and nothing for you to worry about anymore."
"If it's so simple then tell me," I said in a low, serious tone.
"Okay okay! Jeez, lighten up would you?" There was a moment of nothing but silence across the line and I thought she might've hung up but she started talking again. "Alfie wanted to know if you'd transgendered, or whatever it's called, fully and Phil volunteered to find out. Ya know, get in your pants. See what's what."
She said it so lightly that you'd almost think it was normal. None of it was normal, though. Getting me to love someone who was just there to see if I'd gotten a dick between my legs was more than fucked up.
"You're fucking sick," was all I could think to say before I quickly ended the call.
Who does that? I know who. Phil Lester does that. Phil fucking Lester. All those sweet words he'd said, letting me stay at his, even meeting my parents for crying out loud! All of it for one purpose. One ultimate destination and then what? He'd see my parts and go back to laugh about it with his little group? I crossed my legs self-consciously at the thought. I stayed in that position until the bus stopped and I had to get off. I scanned the school grounds for him. All the time wondering if this is what it would always be like. If I would be paranoid about my next partner being with me for the same reason... and the next. Maybe I would just have to isolate myself. Or find someone like me, someone who knew what it was like to be judged by your biology only.

I felt tears prick in the corner of my eyes and, although I could hear the bell ring for form, I darted for the disabled toilets and locked myself in. The disabled toilets always smelled nicer, they were cleaner. I knew I shouldn't use them but I was used to going in these because what was the alternative? I've been in the men's toilets once since coming to school and that was to help out... well him. I crouched down on the floor and let my head fall back against the wall. I wanted the wall to swallow me up whole. I looked across from me and saw the mirror on the other side. I stared at my reflection and I knew I couldn't leave looking how I did. Puffy cheeks with red streaks running down them. I turned away from the image of me and wiped my cheeks with the back of my sleeve.
The bell rang for the end of form but I stayed sat. Next lesson was Maths and I just didn't think I could force myself to sit in that class next to him. I couldn't look at that face knowing everything he had done. I couldn't sit next to him knowing what he was going to tell them about me. I wondered what he'd already told them... how many secrets of mine had been shared with my worst enemy and her dickhead friend?

After ten minutes had passed, my legs started to cramp up. The tears had stopped but my heart still ached. I didn't think the latter would be fixed anytime soon so I decided to stand up despite it. I had to just get on with the day and pretend like nothing bothered me. I couldn't give any of them the satisfaction of knowing they'd got to me. I took a deep breath and walked out into the hall. I decided I was already too late to go to class and the corridors were empty so I aimlessly began to wander around.
I didn't expect to see anyone from my year... never mind the last person I wanted to see. I saw his black hair swishing we he turned the corner and it was too late for me to hide myself away. He stopped when he saw me but neither of us said a word. I looked into his eyes, the same ones that had looked at me when he'd said all those sweet words. The words that were lies. 
"Everyones in lesson," he told me.
I wondered if he'd come out of Maths to find me.
"Then why aren't you? I thought you always followed the crowd," I snapped at him and folded my arms over my chest as we awkwardly stood. Facing off like we were in some old fashioned western movie.
Phil sighed and rubbed his temple.
"I'm sorry about all this crap," he told me and he seemed genuine. Then again, he'd always seemed genuine before so he was probably lying now too. He wasn't sorry at all.
"What crap are you talking about specifically? Because I've heard a few things that make everything else that happened fucking minuscule in comparison."
This wasn't how I'd expected to confront him but it was too late now. Once I'd started talking it was hard to stop myself. I needed to know why he did it, I needed to know so much.
"What are you talking about?" He furrowed his brows and took a step forward at the same time I took a step back.
"Did you ever even love me?" I asked him but I pushed forwards before he could say more lies. "Did I ever mean anything more to you than some bet?"
His eyes went wide at the last word.
"Dan..." he began and he sounded sympathetic. I felt sick hearing him say my name like that.
"No! Honestly, I don't even want to hear your excuse," I hissed and my voice began to raise.
"It wasn't like that I-"
"I know what it was like," I gulped hard and fixed my eyes on him. "If you want to know so bad I don't have a dick!"
"Dan please stop I-"
"But that's okay," I continued to ignore his protests, "because you made up for the lack of that during our relationship by having two. One between your legs and one on your head!" 
Phil stared at me in a stunned silence as I turned on my heels and walked away in the opposite direction. I wiped a tear just before it fell. I didn't want to shed any more tears for him. I didn't want to waste any more time on him. 

I promised myself there and then that, if I got the scholarship, I was leaving this place behind. 
I was leaving him behind. 

AN: 
I'm so tired and so much has happened in my life in just a week ahh. 
I actually went to a party... and I socialised?? Granted it was a Harry Potter themed party so everyone there was pretty much a nerd but STILL. I'm proud of myself whoop. 
- Rach xx