A/N-

"Sleeping paralysis is a state, during waking up or falling asleep, in which a person is aware but unable to move or speak. During an episode, one may hallucinate (hear, feel, or see things that are not there), which often results in fear. Episodes generally last less than a couple of minutes. It may occur as a single episode or be recurrent."

- It's one of the causes of psychological stress.

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"Nandhu!" why my voice is not coming out, it's like a whimper. I kept moving my lips but no sound was left from my mouth. I can listen to my voice. Then, why can't my brother be able to listen to me? Am I not making any sound? But, I can hear my voice. I am aware that it's sounding more like a whisper. Why? Tears left my eyes at the helplessness as I kept moving my lips calling out for my brother. I'm aware of his presence. He's shuffling on his bed. I can sense that. But, why he is not able to listen to my pleas? I'm calling him. I'm screaming. But, why he is not able to listen? What is this? Why couldn't I make any sound? Why? Just why? I continued to cry, my voice is still the same. Cry? Why do I feel like my throat got choked up? Why there is a feeling that my eyes are dry? But, I'm crying, right? Why my eyes are not wet? I'm crying and I can feel that. Even, no one is hearing my cries, my pleas, my screams? Why? What is this? What's happening to me? It's not a nightmare, right? This feeling is even more horrible. What is this? At least, in my nightmare, my eyes are wet and it felt more real. But, this? Whatever that's happening to me, I don't know what to call it. I know it's real, it's not a dream. I'm aware of my surroundings. But, then why I'm not able to move any part of my body if it's real? What is this called? God, what is happening with me? I don't know. It's just so horrible. And then I felt something, that something poking into my private part. Why I'm feeling like this? Did they come here to do that again? Why I'm not able to voice out? No one is hearing out to me. Why? Why my voice is not coming out? Why? What's this? Why my sobs are not coming out? Why? It's hurting me to know that I don't know if it's real or not. Why? I'm scared, frightened. Will anyone save me this time? I kept crying that my throat dried up. Why to me?

I laid on my bed, paralyzed. I can sense again the same thing happening to me. But, there's no pain. Why? But, I'm feeling it so real. Then, why do I numb? I don't know. When will this stop? Will it stop at all? I don't know. My throat is dry. I couldn't move a single muscle. I tried hard, very hard to move my body but couldn't. Why? I'm feeling as if someone is sitting on my chest, held my hands and legs in place, tight. Very high, that I can't feel anything other than being numb. What's this? I know it's real, but then why I'm not feeling pain? It's not a dream or a nightmare. Or is it? If it is, then why I'm aware of my surroundings? What is this, God? Please just save me from this hell. I can't breathe. Let me go. Let me go from this hell. I kept rolling my eyes in the hope someone will come to save me. They will notice my struggle. Will they come? How can they when I'm not able to voice out? Jesus, please do something. Take me out of this situation. Take me out of this terrible pain. Please. Please. Please. I kept pleading from my heart and eventually closed my eyes, in a hope that sleep will come shortly. After what felt like years, I came back to my consciousness. I can move my body. I can move my hands. I can move my legs. There is no weight on my chest anymore. I can no more feel that poking into my private part. As I opened my eye, I looked at my surroundings. I can no more see the images in front of me. Everything did vanish, maybe that was just a nightmare. Yes, it's a nightmare. But, is it? Then why did I feel it is real? I turned to my left only to see my brother very much shuffling on his bed. The same bed, the same dress my brother wore, the same face and the same things, at the same time in my room. Everything looked the same when I was screaming for help when I was calling out for my brother. Everything is so real. Does this happen in nightmares? No, right? Then was that true? But then, I couldn't move my body? Why? If it is real, I should move my body, shouldn't I? What happened that I couldn't move my body? Why did I feel numb? Is it a ghost that I felt that was sitting on my chest? But, I saw them. What is it? What is it that I don't know? What is it that I can't understand? It was a Ghost, why did I see them? If it was a demon, why didn't it do anything to me or them? Or was he is the one sitting on my chest? But, if he is the one sitting on my chest, why did I felt something poking into my part. Why? What is this? Why I'm not able to identify anything. Am I becoming insane? This is what happens to them too, right? Am I becoming one? Why do I feel like this? It's hurting, very much. I don't know what to do. What should I do? Is it going to happen every time I sleep? What is this called? What's this called, God? What? And why to me? Not knowing that it is the first time she got the attack of Sleeping Paralysis. Unknown to the fact that it is going to be her companion every day. Sleeping Paralysis won't let her sleep and Nightmares won't let her be in peace. She is going to face hell, all alone. She is going to live in misery, all alone.

I closed my eyes to sleep, in a hope that whatever happened to me won't happen again. Oh, how much wrong was I? It won't leave me. Can anyone show some mercy on me? Never. Why it's happening again. As I was going into a deep sleep, I feel the same happening to me. Why? Why again? Is the first time wasn't enough? Why? I closed my eyes when it happened before, right? Then everything vanished after some time. Isn't it? Yes, I'll just close my eyes. Everything will be fine. I stopped rolling my eyes and closed them. In a hope that I will find my sleep eventually. After what felt like years, I fell into a deep sleep. Very deep sleep.

"Shut up, girl. Let me enjoy and another one is waiting outside, already. Stop struggling."

"What? What are you looking at? Just Go and DIE for god's sake. I'll be happy."

I stirred in my sleep as I heard this voice. Why am I hearing it again? Why? I shuffled on my bed as if it will stop me from hearing those words.

"Did you get hurt anywhere, Adi? Tell me, where did you get hurt? Where it's painting?"

"Di, please. I've brought it to you. Please eat, di. It's your favorite. "

But it's not stopping. Why? Stop. Stop. Stop. Please. I don't want to listen. I don't want to listen. No. No. No. Please.

"CAN'T YOU SIMPLY UNDERSTAND I DON'T WANT IT?"

I turned to the other side of the bed to sleep as if it will stop those voices in my head. No, it's not stopping. Why? What's happening to me? I don't want this, this voice, this image. I don't want anything. What did I do?

"Shut up, girl. Let me enjoy and another one is waiting outside, already. Stop struggling."

No! Stop. It's hurting me, now. Let me sleep for some time. Just let me sleep for some time. Please, God! Please. Please. Mom! Dad? Please. Stop this, anyone. Please.

"CAN'T YOU SIMPLY UNDERSTAND I DON'T WANT IT?"

I stirred again and sat up on my bed all of a sudden. It's unbearable. The nightmare, it's so horrible. It's not letting me sleep. When will I sleep? What should I do? It's hurting me, very much. Would it be possible for me to sleep, ever? What is happening to me? Do something. Anything. Do anything and just let me go out of this life. I want to sleep. Just like I sleep every day. Why it's not happening? Just let me sleep. What should I do? God, where are you? Please help me. You help everyone, right? Why are you not helping me? Do something or just take me with you. It's painful! This life is very painful. I'm not able to eat. I'm not able to talk. I'm not able to think. I'm not able to sleep. What's this? Why it's happening? I want my life back. This is not how my life should be. This is not me. This is not Adina. Adina, she can able to think. She can able to eat. She can able to talk. She can able to sleep. Adina does everything which I'm not able to. Then who am I? I want to be Adina, again. Bring back. Bring back me, Adina. I want to sleep. Please. Please. God. Help me. Do something. Ma! Please, help me. I want to sleep. I looked at my brother as tears rolled my eyes. He is sleeping. He is in a deep, very deep sleep. Why I'm not able to sleep like him? I cried silently, helplessly. What should I do to sleep? I want to sleep. Just sleep peacefully. How? How can I do that? Please, Jesus! Show me away. Please. Please. Please. Please. Please. I cried more as no one can hear me. No one can answer me. No one. I'm all alone. No one is there to help me sleep. Even if there is someone, will I be able to sleep? Maybe or maybe not. I don't know. I don't know anything. I just want to sleep. Become Adina again. Wake up, water my plants, get ready, go to school, have fun, come home, do homework, play with friends, have dinner, have a walk, and sleep tight. This is what I want. This is what I was. This is what I want to be, again. Adina. Just Adina. This is not me. Not me. And now I can't sleep. What should I do? I used to open the window and sleep, right? Yes, I'll sleep if I open the window. Adina does that, always. If I may open the windows, maybe I can sleep. But, what if they come here? What if? No, they won't come. They can't come. After all, my window has a guardrail, right? No one can come from the window. No one. I turned towards my right and opened the window. Cold waves hit my face as I did that. This is how I am used to sleeping. Sleeping on my bed with an open window with chilled air hitting my face now and then. Falling asleep looking at the view of beautiful plants. I'll do the same now. I can sleep.

I laid down on my to sleep. I closed my eyes as the cold waves hit my body. I'm shivering! Why? I never shivered before. What's happening? Why I'm feeling anxious? There are goosebumps on my body. Why? Is it because of fear? No! I'm not afraid. No one will come. No one will come. I'm safe. I'll sleep in a few minutes. I closed my eyes to sleep when again, a ray of wind blow upon my body and I sat up jerked. Why? Why do I feel like something crawling on my skin? It's just wind. It's just air. I used to enjoy the air touching my skin, right? Why I'm not able to bear it now? As if every time the air is touching me, it felt more like they are touching me. Why I'm not able to just forget that? Even after opening the window, I'm not able to sleep. It's even scarier, to be honest. It's even more frightening. I don't know what should I do? I got up and closed the windows. It's not helping her. It's making her more afraid. How can I just forget everything and sleep? How? I shivered as one more wave hit my back. Why? What did I do? What is this? How...how can I sleep? I closed my hazelnuts tight, praying for the peace, praying for the peaceful sleep. Tears rolled down my eyes. I am helpless. It's even more horrible. I'm not able to sleep with the closed windows. I'm not able to sleep with the open windows. What should I do? Close the windows or open them? Whatever I do, the thing is common. I cannot forget them. I'm afraid of them. I'm not able to sleep. I'm not able to sleep at all. These nightmares, they are not letting me sleep. As the realization dawned upon me, I cried. I sobbed hugging myself. I want to sleep. Just sleep. Please do something. My head, it's aching. Very much. Just so something and let my pain go away, Jesus. Please. I clutched my head as it is aching badly. I laid on my bed crying silently, closing my eyes as the physical and mental pain overtook me. And then I don't how my sobs subsided as I slept with the disturbing nightmares. This time I couldn't wake up. My body didn't let me. I am tired. Very tired.

Morning
6:45 AM

"CAN'T YOU SIMPLY UNDERSTAND I DON'T WANT IT?"

"Lea. Leave m..my ha..nd, unc...le," I mumbled as tears rolled down my eyes. I'm scared.

I woke up as these sounds got louder and louder with the birds' noise early in the morning. I sat on my bed and looked around myself. I'm in my room with the windows closed. The same windows I used to open every night. The same windows woke me up every day. But, it's not anymore. I became distant from everything I was fond of. Neither it interests me anymore nor does it helps me, anymore. If at all it does something, that is increase my agony and nothing else. I can hear the birds' noise, again. Birds' sound? It's music, isn't it? Why am I feeling irritated with it? Why? I don't know. I clutched my head as it ached a little. I don't know about myself anymore. I just don't know. My eyes turned moist at the fact, again. What should I do? I don't know? As my gaze fell towards my left, I saw my books lying on the side. I realized I have a school to go to learning. What's the time now? I have to go to school as well even though I don't want to. But, what will I reason Mom? I just told her I was fine yesterday in the evening. If I say I am not fine, will she not catch my lie? No, I have to go. I don't have any reason to say and be absent from School. I have to get up and go to school. I looked at the time as I have to go to freshen up.

6:45 AM, Is it right? Is it 6:45 AM? I rubbed my eyes and looked at it, again. Yes, it's 6:45 in the morning. What happened to my time table? How can I sleep until late? I was never late. Then, what happened now? What? Maybe, my body is too tired to wake up. Maybe, my head is too heavy to come into consciousness. I don't know. What have I become? I'm not Adina, not anymore. I want to become Adina, again. But, I don't know how to become? I just don't know. I wiped my moist orbs. I don't want to cry. I have to control my tears lest someone find me sick. I don't want to become sick, now. No. I have to control my tears. I just have to, anyhow. I have to control myself from crying. Or I may end up crying all my life. But, do I know how to control my tears? How should I control my tears? Is there any way? I don't know. But, I have to control my cries. I should subside them. Not knowing that it will burden her heart more.

I got up from my bed with determination and looked at my brother's bed, at my left side. He's sleeping and as always, his blanket is thrown away from his body. I don't know why? I want to go near him and tick him in a blanket. But, I'm not able to even look at him. Am I guilty? Yes, I'm guilty. I never screamed at my brother. Never. It's the first time, I screamed at him or anyone for that matter. Otherwise, I was not a girl who gets angry. I never was. I'm regretting screaming at him. But, I told him sorry. Isn't it? But, is that enough? He was hurt. I can't take that back, can I? No. I want to go and tuck him in bed properly. But, I can't. Was it only because of guilt? Or is it because of yesterday's incident? I don't know. I'm guilty while on the other hand, I don't want anyone to even look at me. Going towards them and touching is out of the question. As the realization dawned upon me, tears left my eyes. What am I? I'm not liking myself. It's not me. I hate myself for this. I just hate myself for the helplessness I'm feeling. God, do something na? Why don't you do something and take me out of this misery? Please. Please. I don't dare to go to my brother.

But still, I went towards my brother and covered him with the blanket. I quickly left from there as soon as I am with my work. I walked towards the cupboard with no pain between my legs. At least, not as much as I felt yesterday. I feel sore there, slightly. I'm able to walk without any limp. But, I may not be able to run or walk fast. I'm just fine at a normal pace. I don't know when I will feel everything alright. I don't know. I wish everything to be fine again, for my sake, for the sake of my family. I'm not liking my behavior around my family. I'm not Adina. Adina never behaves that way. And I want to become Adina, again. God, help me. Please. Do something to make it normal. I know there will be no answers, from anyone. I have to live like this. I have to accept this life. But, I am not liking this life. I am not able to bear the pain, the nightmares, the images, the echoes. What should I do to remove them from my mind, from my life? I'm not aware of it. My eyes are turning moist again. No. It shouldn't happen. Control Adina. Control. You have to control.

As I reached the cupboard, I took my school uniform and went towards the washroom to freshen up. I am too lost in my misery that I didn't even realize I have plants to tend.

7:30 AM

As I came outside in my school uniform after the tearful bath, I looked at my brother who is still sleeping. I have to wake him up or we will be late for school. If we got late, our class teacher will beat us with a stick. I'm already hurt and I don't want to get hit by someone. I will not want anything like that. It will be very painful. Completely forgetting the fact that she forgot to do her homework and she will get her beatings from her teachers.

I went towards my brother to wake him up. I took away the blanket from his body. I want to shook him up. But, I couldn't gather the courage. I just couldn't. If it was Adina, she could have done it. And I couldn't. Just couldn't do it. I don't know why? I just couldn't do anything. If I could something, I would have come back to myself. I could have gone back to being Adina. But, I'm not Adina anymore. I took the bottle beside his bed and opened the cap, pouring some water into the cap, I throw it at him. He stirred in his sleep and eventually woke up.

I looked at my brother as he looked at me and frowned. I don't know if he remembered me screaming at him or not. I don't want to know. I looked away from my brother, in fear that what if he looks at me afraid of me?

"It's 7:30 AM, Anand. Get ready before 8:00 AM or else we will get late," I told my brother and went outside the room. I couldn't stand there anymore. I just couldn't.

As soon as I entered the hall, I saw my mother arranging the dining table with breakfast. My mom is busy arranging the food that she missed my arrival. Neither do I have anklets to indicate her of my presence. I went towards the dining table and as I reached the place, she turned towards me, probably noticed me.

"Adi? You are ready?" My mom asked me and I nodded at her. No, I'm not fine, Mom! I was not able to sleep, all night. I screamed at my brother. I am not fine, Mom. I don't even want to go to school. I am hurt, mom. I hate myself. I'm not able to touch anyone. I'm not able to bear anyone's touch. Not even you. Not even my brother. I am not Adina, Mom! I'm feeling terrible. Even God is not listening to me. I have called for you, for my father, for my brother, and even for God, but nobody came. When I was feeling terrible at night, nobody came. Nobody. Nobody could hear me. I don't know what's happening with me, Mom. I just want to get out of this situation. I want your help. But, I don't have that courage anymore. I wish I could gather enough courage. But, I couldn't. Just couldn't do it. I don't even know if I will get that courage ever again. I don't know. Mom, I want to hug you. But, I am not able to even think of that possibility. I want to do everything that Adina does. But, I am not Adina. Not anymore.

"But what happened to your plants? You didn't water them today? You woke up late, everything is fine," I heard my question. I was alarmed in my place as soon as I heard the word plant. What happened to me? I have forgotten about my plants? How can I? How can I forget about them? Are they not my friends? I forgot about my friends. What's happening to me? It didn't even enter my mind. I am scared. I am getting more scared of the unknown girl I am becoming. Not knowing that she is going to accept this unknown girl very soon. Just a numb, heartbroken, miserable, scarred girl and nothing more. A girl who loves darkness and loneliness.

"I slept late at night because of the homework, Mom. So, woke up late and missed watering the plants," I answered my mother. It's a lie. A pure lie. How am I going to live this life? A life which has full of lies, darkness, fear, pain, anxiety, and confusion. How am I going to live like this? How? Just show me a way to get out of the misery, Jesus.

"Okay, what about Anand? Did he wake up? Did you wake him up?"

"Yes, mom, " I told my mother as room as I heard her ask me about my brother. I did wake him up, right! He must have gone to freshen up, now.

"Mom, I want to eat breakfast," I told my mother as after I emptied my stomach in the night, I'm feeling my stomach empty. I am not sure if I can walk to my school or not. I want to eat. I have to eat or else I may fall.

"But, won't you wait for your brother? You always wait for him. Won't he feel bad today?" I listened to my Mom. Yes, she is right. How can I forget about my brother? I always eat with him. He will feel bad if I don't wait for him. But, I am feeling hungry. I am feeling week. I should eat or else I may fall on the ground. I'm feeling light-headed. What should I do? Wait for my brother or just eat my food? I decided to wait for my brother. Already, he is hurt with me after I screamed at him. If I eat without him, he may think I don't care about him. But, I do, right? I was anxious when I screamed at him. It was unintentional. I decided to wait for him lest I hurt him again.

"Yes, Mom! I will wait," I said to my mother while she went inside the kitchen to do her chores. I didn't even ask my mother if she needed any help. Why? I was never like this. I would have asked if she needed any help. Why I am turning into someone I am not aware of? Why I am turning into someone who hates herself more than anything? Why? Did I deserve it? I don't know. Why? What? How? I don't know any answers to the questions I have. I just don't know. And I hate myself for this. I am not like this. I don't want to turn into someone else. I don't want to hate myself. Yet, I couldn't stop myself from turning into someone else. I could not help but hate myself more than anything.

I sat down on the chair in the hall staring at the wall in front of me. I don't want to watch TV. I don't want to listen to songs. I just don't want to enjoy it. I can't stop myself from becoming someone I was not before. I just kept staring at the wall in front of me. The images, the nightmares, the voices surrounded her. They kept coming in front of me. I kept hearing those voices, again. I can feel disgusted with myself again. I don't know for how long I was gazing into the wall, lost in my agony. I am not aware of my surroundings. I'm just in my world, a world where misery and pain exists and nothing else. I want to come out of this world. It's just horrible. But, I am not able to escape. Why? Why I am not able to come out of the horrible world? Why? Why I am becoming like this? I don't know. And it's making me more vulnerable. More than I was before. Where will I reach with this behavior of mine? I don't know. I just don't know. I just want somebody to help me. But, will I be able to accept the help? Am I having that courage? I don't know. I came out of my reverie as I felt my brother shook me. I looked at him, he is still shooting me. Why? I'm not liking this. I don't want any touch. I removed my brother's hand off me.

"Di, it's 8:00 AM. Breakfast is ready. Come, we will eat, " I heard my brother say that. I was hungry, right? Why didn't I feel it till now? How did I lose my appetite? And when did the half-an-hour pass? Was I so lost in my thoughts that I didn't even realize I was dying in hunger? Was I so lost in my agony that I didn't realize that I may faint down, that I was very weak. What happened to me? What's happening to me? I don't know. I just don't know anything.

I walked up to the dining table and sat down on my seat, not offering any help to my mother. I don't know. I'm just very weak and I don't have the will or courage to ask her if she needed any help. I'm not me anymore. Am I going to live this way from now on? My eyes turned moist at the helplessness. No, Adina! You can't cry. Subside your cries. Just do anything and stop your cries. A voice from me told me. Yes, I should control. What will I answer if mom saw me crying? I have to control. Not knowing that she is storing every tear in her heart that may burst her heart in pain someday. The day when she will decide to end her life. The day when she will be tired of the agony filled life. Not knowing that someday will come when she will try to end her life.

I saw my mother as she came towards us and served us our breakfast. As my stomach is already empty, I started filling my stomach without any second thoughts. Not knowing that she will be restricted to have food without any medicines in her upcoming years. Not knowing that she has to live her whole life with scarred parts of her body.

8:40 AM
School

I entered my class with no enthusiasm as if I am coming to a cremation ceremony. It is not less than that. I'm not interested in this anymore. School, having fun, playing pranks; I don't like to do all these anymore. I don't know why? I just don't know why I am behaving like this? All I want to do is go and hide between the closed door, all alone. So that no one can hurt me. No one. But, what would I answer my mother? I don't want to find myself in such a situation.

"Hi, Adina!" I looked at my best friend, Maya; as she called out for me. I want to smile at her but couldn't able to do it. It's turned down as if I am going to cry. No, just don't. Don't cry. This is a school. This is your class. You can't cry here. Control, Adina. Just smile at her. I convinced myself and forced my lips to curve up in a smile. I hope she buys this smile if not my not-so enthusiastic Good Morning.

" Hi," I whispered sitting beside her. Oh no! I have to sit in the middle, does that mean I have to sit beside Manav? No, I can't sit beside him. I just can't. I don't know. I don't have the strength to sit beside him. What should I do now? I have to do something. Yes, I will ask Maya to shift my place with her. She will understand me. After all, she is my best friend, isn't she? I will shuffle with Maya and my problem will be solved.

"Good Morning! Had breakfast?" I heard Maya ask me and I just nodded at her with a weak good morning. Manav didn't come till now. I'll ask Maya before he comes or else he will feel bad if I ask in front of him. I know he is my friend, but when I am not able to even bear the touch of my mothers, how will I sit beside Manav? Not that I am comfortable in sitting beside Maya, no, I'm not comfortable. But, it's better to sit beside Maya than Manav, isn't it? If possible, I could have gone to a separate bench all alone. But, there is no bench vacant here. It's better if I sit beside Maya.

"Maya," I called out to her after sitting beside her putting my bag inside the desk, taking out some books, and putting them on the desk so that the bag could fit in.

She looked at me as I called out for her. I don't know how will she feel if I ask her but I have to ask her, no matter what.

" Maya, can I shuffle my place with you, please?" I pleaded to look at her face but not her eyes. I don't know but I am not able to look at anyone in the eye. Why? I don't know. I am helpless. I just don't know the reason behind my changed behavior. But all I could remember if at all I want to look into someone's eyes is, them forcing me, them hurting, his disgusted laughs, his touch, and nothing else. And then I couldn't look into anyone's eyes. It scares me. It makes me uncomfortable as if I am exposing myself in front of them. And they may hurt me. All I could sense is danger and nothing else. Only if I could forget those nightmares, the echoes, the touches, the pain, the agony, the misery. My heart is hurting as I tried to grip my heart tight from bursting into tears. My throat got choked up as I remembered the horrible day I had. I gulped down my pain as if to gulp down all my hurt into my heart and lock it. Throw away the key and shield my heart with Iron.

"But, why Adina?" I heard Maya ask me. What should I reason her? Think Adina, think. I can't possibly tell her the real reason.

"I am just bored in this place. I want to try your place, Maya. Aren't you bored with your place?" I came up with the only reason that suited well the situation I'm in. And even this reason can convince Maya to shuffle her place with me. .

"Hmm...Okay!" Maya smiled at me and I was more than thankful for her this unknown help. Soon, we changed our places and just then the bell rang.

Assembly? There will be more than hundreds of students. I am not comfortable. Just thinking of myself between the people chokes my breath up. But, if I don't attend the Assembly, the teacher will hit me. What should I do? God, where did you put me in? I am not able to breathe. Do something. Do something. I have to escape this assembly. I have to...as I am thinking of this, Maya grabbed my hand. I didn't like it. Her holding my hand, I don't like it at all. I hate this feeling. She is my best friend. Why I am not okay with her touch? I don't know. I just don't know. I have to take my hand back from her hold. Still, the line didn't form to go to the playground. We are the first ones to jump outside towards the playground. Before a line can form, it's better if I reach the playground distancing myself from Maya a little.

"Maya," I called her and she turned towards me. I smiled at her, taking away my hand from her hold. I have to divert Maya. I have to divert her mind so that her concentration will leave me and my hand.

" I forgot to ask you something. Have you had your breakfast?" I asked her forcing myself to smile at her while I am distancing myself from her, walking towards the playground.

"Yeah, I had. It's uthappam. My favorite, you know right? How much I like uthappam?" I heard her as she kept on telling about how many uthappam's she ate, how did it taste today, and everything related to it.

We reached the playground to start our prayers and I'm feeling comfortable. Generally, we reach the playground in a line. And few seconds later, the line started showing up. I know I have to live this. I have to stand between the people even though I am not comfortable. I have to go through this hell. I have to control myself just like I controlled my tears.

After sometime,

We reached our class after an uncomfortable assembly in the huge playground. I sat uncomfortably in my seat beside Maya. I used to love this class, always. And now, I'm not able to sit comfortably in this class even. What happened to me? I love school. I love studying. I dreamed to be big. Ain't I? What changed now? Is not my dream one of the reasons why I am not able to take the courage to say about what happened to me? Then, when I sat in my class to study, why am I not able to think about my dream? All I can think about is that incident. What's happening to me? Before I could continue my thoughts, our teacher entered our class.

We all stood up and everyone greeted her, "Good Morrrnnniiiing, Teacher!" I am not able to greet her. I am not liking this sound. The same sound which I used to do a lot. Why I am not able to greet her? Why I am not liking the sounds? I'm not that Adina. I am not, I'm the one who enjoys greeting my teacher, playing pranks on her, and having fun behind her back. I'll not be able to play with my friends anymore. Have fun with them anymore. And it's hurting me like hell. I'm not even sounding like a normal person. As if I'm not a child anymore. As if I'm not me anymore. And I possibly can't do anything to make everything like before. Even God is not listening to me. It's hurting me very much. Very much that my head started aching. The uncomfortableness in assembly, the lies I had fed Maya, the hurt I am bearing, it all took a toll on me, that my head started aching badly. Why me? Why now? I have to listen to the class now. What should I do? My head is aching. It's hurting like hell. As if somebody is knocking on my head with a hammer.

"Okay students, instead of Smitha Teacher, I'm the one to attend this class. Your class teacher is absent, today," I heard our Maths teacher say and we all nodded at her. My head Is aching still now. Soon, the maths teacher took our attendance.

"Okay, Kids! So have you done your homework?" I heard the Maths teacher ask this. What? Homework? I didn't do it. As yesterday's evening came in front of my eyes, it is hurting more. Why now? What should I do now? Maths teacher beats two to four times with a stick if anyone does not complete the Homework. What should I do now? I am already hurt. It will hurt more, now. The teacher will hurt me. I controlled my tears at the pain I have to endure, again. Why? Am I not bearing enough pain?

When my Mom didn't notice my pain in her anger, why will my teachers notice my pain? They will beat me. I haven't done my homework. Maths, Science, and Social. Maths teacher beats two to four times with a thick stick. It will pain very much. I'm already in pain. Can I bear more pain? Science and Social teacher will beat too. I looked at my hands. I know they will become red at the end of the day. I have not done my homework and I know I have to bear the punishment as well.

" Yes, Teacher!" everyone screamed at her except me. I have not done my homework. Maths teacher will beat me.

"Okay, very good, then. It will be even better if you guys stand up who did not complete your homework. If I will catch them, later. Punishment will be worse," I heard Teacher warn. I stood up along with a few other students. It's the first time I stood up because of not doing homework. I can guess everyone must be gaping at me. But, does that matter? I have to bear the pain now. As if the pain I have is not enough.

I stood up in my place waiting for the teacher to reach me. And she did. She was shocked to looking at me standing. But, a rule is a rule. She asked me the reason behind it and I can't say my reasons. I can't. When I am not able to tell my mom, how can I tell my teacher?

I stood in silence with my head down. She asked me for my hands and I showed them. As she hit me with a stick one on each hand, I hissed in pain. It's hurting. My hands, between my legs, as I stood up for more than I can be able to, my head, they are hurting. I don't know what to do. As the teacher turned towards the board and started teaching us a new topic. I couldn't concentrate on that as I'm hurting very much. My eyes turned moist at the pain. What should I do to remove this pain? The next period is Maths subject as well, Maths teacher's original slot. I'm not able to concentrate on anything except for my pain for the next two hours.

Break

Maths teacher went outside. And I slept on the bench when I felt Maya beside me keeping her hand on my shoulder. I sat up with a jerk and Maya removed her hand with the sudden movement of mine.

"Adina? What happened? Are you okay? Show me your hands," I heard Maya say to me.

"I am fine, Maya," I told her not wanting to say anything more about myself.

"What fine? Your hand must be paining. Show me. And why didn't you do your homework? You maintain a time table as well. What happened, Adina?" I heard her again and I'm getting angry, I am getting irritated.

" I told you, right? I'm fine! Don't ask me again, Maya," I told her in a final tone when she kept her hand on my arms. Why did she have to touch there? Why? Please. Please. God! Don't let me lash out at her. Please. Please. She is my friend. But, then why doesn't she understand me? I told her that I am fine, right? Why couldn't she simply get that part? Why?

"What do you mean you are fine. You are not looking-" I cut her off as I lost my control.

"WHY DO YOU CARE? JUST LEAVE ME ALONE!" I screamed at my friend, Maya. She kept pestering me and I couldn't control it. A second later I realized what I did. I looked at Maya, her face fell as I screamed at her. Why did I have to scream? She was just asking me. She was caring for me. Why did I scream at her? I closed my eyes as tears left my eyes. I quickly wiped away my tears. I just hurt my friend, my best friend. What did I do? Why did I behave like that? I closed my eyes again, regretting the moment. Can I take back my words now? Never. I hurt her. I just hurt her.
Unknown to the fact that it is one of the symptoms of PTSD - getting angry, anxious, and irritated at the persons or situations around her quickly. Not knowing that this is why she screamed at her brother.

Precap-

I came towards my room to complete my homework as my teachers punished me for not doing homework. I have to do double work now. My hand is already hurt with the beatings I got. How am I able to write my homework? My hands are hurting, already. Standing outside the class made my body weaker.

*

My friends forced me to come and play outside. But, I don't want to play. I'm not liking their closeness to me. Why are they holding my hands? I don't want them to touch me. I just don't them to even look at me. I just want to hide in my room and never let anyone see me. Why? I don't know. I just don't know. What is happening to me? Why I am behaving this way? I don't know. But, I have to go or else what will mom think? I have to go to play with my friends. Force me to play with them. So that no one could doubt me. I don't want my mother to get a hint of it, even. I don't want to.