December - 2015
Friday - 6:45 p.m

Dear Diary,

Hello. It's me.
Now that I read the last entry, I feel like I was so stupid. Very naive.
Maybe I still am. Naive.

The point is, I was so easily manipulated. I stayed lost in my own little imagine-land.
I thought it was too easy.
We just have to have hope.
But trust me,
    'Never hope for something when deep down, you know it's not going to be fulfilled.'

The mental pain we get to suffer when that hope is shattered, leaves us nothing to grasp on anymore. It leaves us vulnerable.

The boyfriend of mine, was a nasty piece of shit. A certified asshole.
I finally believed it, that attraction is just a mere optical illusion for us. Where you misjudge someone depending on their looks.

The asshole cheated on me.
With not one, but several girls.
I was too naive to accept his excuses of 'I am busy right now' whenever I called him. No wonder he was busy. Banging someone new every next day.

It was me who dumped his boosted-egoistical ass first.
At least it left me with some dignity.
I had already became the hot headline for that month.

People laughed and talked about me behind my back. No one had the guts to say it to me on my face, right after I had gathered enough courage and slapped my ex-boyfriend like he deserved to be.

But, you know, even though you put up a brave front for others to see, you are actually broken from inside.

You get hurt.

You start doubting yourself.

You start questioning whether it was because of you?

You start wondering if you're not worthy enough to deserve that one thing which was snatched away from you.

It happened with me.
I started doubting myself. I got really self-conscious for the next few months.
I still am. Self-conscious about my looks.

Somewhere in between of it all, I thought that he cheated on me because I was not good looking enough. I have seen those girls, which fall under the desirable category. With them perfect body and curves.

I started paying attention to my body.
I started using lotions and creams to keep my skin soft and hydrated. I started dieting.

When my parents asked me why I wasn't eating much, I told them I was dieting. They just nodded in understanding and said I should really do it.
When my mum said that, my self confidence was lost at that moment.
Am I too fat? Do I really eat so much?

I started taking sunbathes just to have my skin tanned. I even joined the gym to keep up my physical appearance. Not realising how wrong I was.

Slowly, I started skipping meals.
I started over working my body in the gym. I started taking pills to make me sleep on time. I started comparing myself with other girls. I became ignorant of my health. So, it was bound to happen.
I fell ill.

Doctor Milly has been our family doctor for years now. She found the reason behind my illness very soon.
And then.... She actually made me realise where I was going wrong. What I did incorrectly, and what was the issue that had me bothering.

Gradually, I realised that I was changing myself, just in order to suit the society's 'standards' , so much so, that I lost myself.
I lost the Elora I used to be. She may not be perfect or ideal for everyone, but, it was me. It was who I really am.

I was so engrossed in reaching those high standards that I didn't realise I was experiencing the Insecurity period of my teen age.

I was actually insecure about myself.
I was insecure of the way I looked.
I was insecure of the way I talked.
I was insecure of the way I am.

I think that was the society and the surrounding I grew up in, that expected me to be the perfect and ideal one for them. And it was just an incident in my life which triggered me towards it.

Every single person is a pretense of what he/she wants to be.
Everyone aspires to achieve and attain all those societal norms and cultures that they've made.
They want to be 'recognised' well in here.
There's actually a competition going on. Who is the most deserving to be accepted in by the society?

Did anyone think what will be the result once they have achieved it all?
What benifits are they gaining?

Because at the end, it would be us who will suffer a great loss. We are the ones who will be losing themselves in this race. It would be us who is going to have to live by those rules and laws for the rest of our lives.

They say freedom is attained when one has the right to do and choose as they wish. Then.. Do we actually have freedom? Are we really allowed to do what we desire?

I wonder, if I will ever be happy with myself. I worry that if I can't be happy with myself, then nobody will ever be happy with me. And that just makes me even more paranoid.

It's a cycle.
Insecurity , no-confidence and diffidence, it's all a cycle. And it's destroying me.

Pretending to be someone you are not is like hurting yourself.
It's telling yourself that that real you is worthless.

I used to tell myself, that I had to be perfect and then the things would fall into place. I will get everything I ever desired. But, only now did I realise, that was not the case.
I am imperfectly perfect. I am accepting all my flaws. And I will no longer let my insecurities put my life on pause.

" Self-esteem is the most fragile attribute in human nature. It can be damaged by very minor incidents, and it's reconstruction is often difficult to engineer. "
                       ~ Dr.James Dobson.

Yours Only,
Elora.

    P.S - "Am I good enough?"