UPDATE IS TOWARD BOTTOM!

Hey guys...

So I'm guessing you're scratching your head by the title of this update. I didn't want to have to talk about this or put my business out there for the world to see, but I feel as though this is really necessary to do. I feel like I owe you guys this and exactly what's been going on with me for the LONGEST time.

So since I was a kid or teen, I've been picked on, or so I should say, bullied. Since I was young, I've always been called all sorts of names like ugly, fat, stupid, worthless, etc. I've mainly always got picked on for my face cause it's not considered attractive, and I feel like the main reason that is so is because my face is littered in acne scars. I've suffered from acne since I was around ten but by the time I was a teen, it got pretty bad and that's when everyone started calling me ugly, hideous, etc.

Because of my face, I struggled to make friends and for sure, to find a man who would love me for me. I've always been the butt of a joke and literally practically anytime I walk by someone, they burst into a fit of laughter just looking at me. I was always treated differently, made fun of, and rejected by people no matter how nicely I treated others. I was never worth anything in their eyes.

Because of that, I had suffered from EXTREME low self esteem, depression, and anxiety. I always felt like I was hideous, fat, a nobody, and sometimes even felt like I should die. I never felt like I was good enough. One thing though that had always helped with my depression... was watching anime. Anime just brought me into this world where I felt like if I was just in their world, they'd probably accept me. The characters were so kind, amazing, accepting and inspirational. I always looked up to them and even wanted to be like them or find someone like them. As a 13 year old, I had a crush on teen gohan from DBZ and I used to read all sorts of fanfiction of him.

Some of my favorites was on a site called Quizilla. It's no longer available anymore online, but these fanfics of Gohan had always amazed me and made me fantasize about my crush on him at the time. One day, feeling inspired by a couple writers on quizilla, I asked myself , "what if I made my own story of Gohan and myself?"

So, I began to write this book. Back then, my imagination was vivid and I had soooo many ideas. The only problem was, instead of being true to who I was, I decided to make my oc, which was supposed to be me mind you, look COMPLETELY different. I feel like this was because I felt as though I was too ugly to write my appearance in that story. The main oc was pretty, she had long black hair, big black eyes, and light skin. The character Mio Akiyama from K-on. I remember wanting to look like her bc I felt like I wasn't pretty as myself. I felt like my darker skin, short nappy hair, small eyes, wider nose, acne, wasn't beautiful. Because I had been told over and over I was ugly af, ugly as shit.

Anyway, I decided to post this story and sooner rather than later, I noticed I started getting a lot of reads. People were REALLY reading my story. There was even a few people who messaged me telling me they loved my story and that they wanted more. So, ofc this shocked me as a kid cause I was thinking, "oh crap! People really like my gohan story?!"

So I continued to post on quizilla until one day, the site announced that they would be closing and that if we didn't move our stories elsewhere, we'd end up losing everything. So desperately, I searched for another site to put my story on and that's... when I found Wattpad in July of 2012.

Now Wattpad was a whole different experience for me. I found a few fanfics that I had liked and I would nervously comment on people's stories, scared of what their reply would be. I remember there was this one particular author who had written a Trunks story, replied to me and I was over the moon about it. We became friends and I believe I was telling her how I wanted to post a Gohan story and she said "go for it". So with her encouragement, I rewrote my Gohan story and shared it on wattpad. I believe she was the first person to read and comment on it and soon, I think she shared it with others and through patience and consistent updating, my story began to rack up with reads and comments.

Like with Quizilla, I was so happy that people were enjoying my story and that some of my readers from that site even followed me onto wattpad bc they loved my story so much.

Fast forward to about 2015... I was 16 and was still being picked on and bullied for my looks. People didn't wanna be my friend and guys were constantly rejecting me left and right... I found myself in a deep depression. My brother would always talk about a specific anime he liked, and I'd always found myself intrigued by it. It was Naruto Shippuden.

I remember I had watched the original Naruto when I was about 14, but I had forgotten all about it and at the time, I was obsessed with dbz. One day, I was just like "screw it, let me watch Shippuden" and as I was watching, not only was it really freaking good, but I found myself drawn to a specific character. I watched and remembered how he was a bit like me. Picked on, bullied, told he wasn't worth anything, and just constantly put down. The only thing was, even though he wasn't bullied for his appearance, he was bullied for something out of his control, like I was.

The difference between him and I... was that he was so positive, such a strong minded person, such a kindhearted loving soul. To me, this character was just so relatable, deep, inspirational, and had the most beautiful personality I ever seen. I was so drawn and at awe with him, that I totally just gave in and fell for him. I fell in love with... Naruto Uzumaki 🤣❤️🥺

It's sad, but I remember thinking to myself, "Man, if he was real... I wonder if he would accept me? If he would like me back despite how I look? If he would be nice to me?"

But in my head, the bullying I constantly went through made me think, "no... there's no way he would ever like you. You're too UGLY, too FAT, too WORTHLESS! How could he EVER like or notice someone like YOU?! He's too good for you! Too out of your league."

I would think that, but at the same time, as I would watch just how kind and accepting he was of people, I thought to myself, "What if... what if everyone's wrong? What if he could like me? What if he would accept me? He's super nice! He's super kind! He's friends with everyone and doesn't judge them for petty things. He's different! He's different from other guys!"

So bc those thoughts raced through my mind, I thought, "Wait! What if... what if I made a story about him and I? What if I make the girl character just like me where she isn't pretty and shes overweight and bullied bc everyone hates her due to her looks? What if I made it to where I believe Naruto could probably come to love her... if she just played her cards right? Would it be believable? Would anyone who reads this think that he could actually like me? Would anyone even enjoy this story?"

So at 16, taking a leap of faith, I started to write this story then nervously published it. It hardly got any reads at first but I kept updating and updating. One day, in my last two weeks of senior year in 2017, I believe my schoolmates somehow found out I wrote this naruto fanfic cause I think I used to hear them make fun of me about it behind my back. The weird thing is, when they did find it, my reads suddenly EXPLODED. I was getting ten thousand reads every week or two and people started commenting like crazy and voting.

I was posting and posting and people were reading. I went from probably 10k to 100k in like a month or two. Then eventually it kept rising and rising.

People were commenting that I was a great writer that they loved my story and that they loved Nia, who was based off ME, and NaruNia! I was like, "WOAH! PEOPLE LIKE ME?! AND THEY THINK NARUTO AND I WOULD MAKE A GOOD COUPLE?! AHHHJKHLJLLL!"

People were OBSESSED with NaruNia. Some would make fanart and others would write one shots of them. It truly was an amazing thing to see. People were following my account and one day, I decided to release official fanart of NaruNia that people love and make edits and just try my best to appease everyone.

Writing was my GREATEST escape from reality. On wattpad, I was this amazingly beautiful, worthy person. Irl I was the fat, ugly monster.

On wattpad, people thought I was a perfect match for Naruto! Irl, people thought I was too ugly to even get him to look my way if he were real. On wattpad, people LOVED me for who I was. Irl, all everyone saw was an ugly face undeserving of love.

Despite all this, I put all my love and energy into my naruto stories. One day, I decided, "wow! People love my fanfics! Maybe now I can write an original story based off my naruto fanfic and see how it goes!"

So that's what I did, I made my first version of this story, decided I didn't like it and scrapped it. I made a second version of this story and posted it on this account, titled: The Loser's Hero

It started out rough but I managed to get about 10k reads on it. I had some readers who gave me feedback and I spent the next several months to year, editing and fixing my story so that I could send it out to agents. I really felt like my story had great potential. I entered DVpit on twitter and pitched my story. I managed to get a LIKE from a really famous literary agent and sent her my manuscript and waited.

I was really excited cause I really thought, "omg! Omg! I'm gonna get an agent! My books probably gonna get picked up by a publishing house, yatta, yatta, yatta..."

Then it happened. I received an email from her. I eagerly open it up with a huge smile and read it... my smile completely fell. She had rejected my manuscript. It was my very first rejection.

I was a little hurt, but then I was like, "okay, that's normal. Everyone practically gets rejected the first time. I just need to send my manuscript to a bunch of agents. If people on wattpad like my story, I'm sure one of them will like it, too!"

So I sent it, one after another, waited weeks. Eventually, I started getting replies. Rejection, rejection, rejection. Over and over, I kept getting rejected and I would think, "What's going on? Why do they keep rejecting me? Why don't they like my story? A lot of people on wattpad enjoy it, so why don't they?"

I tried rewriting my script, polishing it, and sending it to even more agents. Again, I'd get rejected no matter what I did. Eventually I got so frustrated, I started thinking of other ways I could sell my book, and that's when I discovered self publishing. I watched quite a bit of videos on it and decided that maybe this was the perfect solution for me.

I did the necessary steps to clean my script up, made a cover for myself, since unfortunately I don't have the money for a professional cover designer, and published my book on Amazon. I went over to tell you guys about it, and while some people did buy the book or read it on kindle unlimited, making me some money, eventually... the sales went way down.

I'm not making hardly anything right now and this whole thing got me thinking... "damn... is being an author really what I was meant to do? All I do is fail, fail, fail..."

I know I could probably save some money and try to get a professional cover and pay for advertising, but with my job, it's hard to get more hours and I'm not really looking for a full time job atm since I wanna have time to write stories.

Over the past few days, I've been thinking of writing a new original story called: Capturing Nicholas' Heart

Natalie Yun has always been known to be quite a handful. Her snobbish, wild personality has gotten her to be looked down upon by her peers despite being that of a beauty. Her friend, Desiree Holmes, is her exact opposite — Kind, humble, respectful — she's been able to climb the ranks of popularity despite her rugged facial features and overweight body.

Nicholas Steel — most handsome guy in school, the school's quarterback, yet, has been burned by every girl he's ever dated. He's a torn soul who wants nothing but love from the right woman. Natalie believes she could be just that for him when she first lands eyes with him in the hall.

However, what happens when she finds out Nicholas has a girlfriend? Furthermore, when she's told that Nicholas and Desiree are long lost childhood friends? What happens when Desiree and Nicholas rekindle their friendship? What happens... when Natalie suspects Nicholas may even have feelings for Desiree?

Will she sit back and be supportive... or will she do everything she can to ruin their bond so that she... can capture Nicholas's heart?

I wanted to write this story on my other account TaniaJanae923, but for some reason, I can't come up with ideas and how I'm gonna write it. I'm also fighting my anxiety as I keep thinking, "it doesn't matter what I write. It'll never be good enough. It'll never be successful. It'll never sell or be popular."

I just constantly fight my mind over whether or not I'm good enough to be a actual author. I just constantly feel like the only thing I'm good at is writing fanfic. That I have no real talent for original stories.

I fight my demons everyday who are telling me I have no purpose, I have no direction in my life, I was born for no reason, there's nothing special about me, I have no talent, no one cares about me, etc.

Like it's so bad that I can't even write my fanfics or pretty much anything. I'm just constantly in a state of suffering and feeling like God doesn't have a plan for my life. That I'm really on this earth for no good reason. That I'm not good enough to achieve my dreams no matter how hard I work or try.

I just constantly feel like a failure. I feel like I let you guys down with that secret Naruto fanfic as we all had big dreams for it, and I still do, but it's just... I really try to fight my mind from thinking I'm not good enough or I'm not talented enough.

I try to keep myself from giving up but when failure just keeps staring at myself in the face, it really makes me wanna say, "F it" and throw in the towel.

I'm trying not to sound depressing or too much, but I really just need to rant and tell you guys about my mental health and why I just can't keep up a regular schedule with my stories. I'm just very stressed out and feel like I'm not enough.

Growing up on here, you guys would tell me just how much of an amazing writer I was and I truly believed you guys! I truly believe I was a great writer and that my stories would one day be published and that I'd be a great author professionally. However, after seeing all those rejections and the downhill of sales of kdp, it feels like it's getting clearer and clearer to me that maybe... I can't do this. Maybe I'm not meant to be a writer. Maybe I don't have what it takes. Maybe I'm not talented enough to do anything.

Like I try my HARDEST to fight my negative thoughts, but sometimes when I think of the reality of the situation... I feel like... I'm just not enough.

I'm coming to you guys and telling you all this, as my last ditch effort, that you guys can convince me that I can do this, that I am good enough, that I am talented enough in writing. I'm hoping you'll be here to support me, to give me feedback, to encourage me bc I don't have the strength to tell myself that atm.

I just feel defeated right now.

And with that, I end this rant. I really hope you guys understand where I'm coming from and that you're here for me. I just feel like I need a lot of reassurance  😭

Thank you and have a great rest of your day ❤️

———UPDATE ———

OMG! SO GUYS! First, I wanna start off by properly thanking EVERYONE who commented or who messaged me on here or Instagram and supported me, comforted me, and gave me advice. You guys are the best! Much love ❤️

SO, QUICK UPDATE STORY! So after you guys gave me some advice that I should write when inspiration strikes, take some time to think and contemplate on what it is I REALLY wanna write, and some of you even told me to pray about my concerns to god. I listened to you guys advice and I started praying to god to give me a GREAT idea that I can just LOVE and have the motivation to write. So a day passes, and I'm laying in bed thinking about what I've always wanted to see in a show, book, movie and for some reason, I remember the Disney movie, Beauty and the beast.

I was thinking about how much I like the idea of it, but then it hit me. I thought to myself, "Wait... I've always wanted to see a book, show, or movie where the MAN was the BEAUTY and the GIRL was the BEAST. And then I was thinking about what could possibly be something that others would be bogus and find scary about a girl's appearance? I was like, if she's like Nia where she's just unattractive, that's not enough to make people think she's scary or like a freak.

So I was thinking about what kinds of people I've seen get bullied or heard got bullied about regarding their appearance and then I was like, WAIT! I've heard of people being really evil to those who were either burned badly and left with scars, someone who has a facial disfigurement, and someone with a rare serious skin condition.

Mind you, I think these types of people are BEAUTIFUL and NO I do NOT think they're a beast or monster! but I know a lot of people can be extremely cruel to them so I wanted to take the chance and have my mc be someone who is a burn victim as I want to give someone like this representation as I don't think I've ever really seen a story where the main girl character had bad scars from being burned somehow.

You guys the idea of this was so GOOD, I literally scrapped the disaster that was capturing Nicholas heart book idea lol! Like I've already written 10 keypoints for the first TEN chapters I wanna write already! Like the story is just FLOWING through my mind as if God really did answer my prayer, and I believe he did cause READ this summary! Even I would LOVE to read a story like this, but first here's the cover;

At age two, Diamond Holmes suffered major burns after having tipped over a pot of boiling hot water on herself. After numerous surgeries, she struggled with her self image due to the scarring and frightened reactions to her from other children. To her, it was as if she were cursed. Through all her struggles, her greatest escape from the pain was music — singing.

One day, she gathers the courage to post her talent online and as she suspected, hate comments begin to flood her video. However, one comment from a popular singing channel catches her eye, complimenting her on her voice, and when she sees their face, she realizes it was from the most popular, handsome boy in her school: Nicholas Carter

Bewildered, she contemplates on what she should do. Reply back? Or maybe... thank him personally?

Is Nicholas as sweet as he appeared online or does her burns scare him away... just like the rest?

🌹🌹🌹

Idk bout y'all, but this sounds like a brilliant idea for me to write about it. I would love to make the love story rival or be better than the real life versions of NaruNia... NathaNia lol

Now topping the fanfic NaruNia? ooo chile. Their's is great bc there's a fantasy aspect to it, so bc this new story is based off real life, I might not be able to make it as great as regular NaruNia but I can always try lol

But ya guys, I'm feeling a bit better than before and have confidence in this new story idea. I might write the story to completion first before I post it on my other account but idk.

Let me know what you guys think of this idea on the comments or by messaging me!