Zayn

"Come on, grumpy cat. It's two pm, already!" Caroline wave the small plastic bag, where my pills were in, in front of my face. "It says nine am. You haven't taken them, why didn't you, Zayn?" She pointed at the time that was typed down onto a sticker, along with the type of medication it was and my name.

Turning around, I faced the nightstand, not feeling like talking today. Exhaustion had taken over me, along with the pain that shamelessly bored through my muscles and bones.

Truth was, I hadn't closed one eye after Rose had left. My thoughts had driven me insane, the image of her beautiful face constantly present in my mind. The constant thought of me liking her, finally having admitted to myself that I liked her. It was something I couldn't deny anymore and I thought once I would have admitted it to myself, it would give me some rest.

Except, it didn't, at all. It drove me crazy to the point where I couldn't sleep and felt unwell. I was confused, feeling helpless as how to handle my emotions I had because of her, maybe even towards her.

"Zayn, I'm asking you something." Caroline searched for eye contact, her voice sounded rather stern.

"I just didn't, okay?" I mumbled out, feeling frustrated. "I slept through nine am, because I couldn't sleep last night." Roughly kicking the covers off me, I stamped over to the bathroom and started filling up the bathtub with hot water.

"Oh, I'm sorry. That explains it." Caroline looked at me, a frown appeared on her forehead. "What are you going to do?"

Reaching for the towels and throwing them onto the closed toilet lid, I glanced at her. "Clearly, I'm going to eat, that's why I'm filling the bathtub." I tried to tease, but because I didn't laugh, it came off sarcastic and moody, which wasn't my intention.

Thankfully, Caroline knew me, so therefore she didn't take it the wrong way and simply laughed it off. "Alright, I see how it is. Just to let you know, though, I'm not going to let you do this on your own again, seeing your state right now."

"Caroline.." I sighed, brushing my fingers over my bald head. "I'll be fine, I promise."

Caroline raised her eyebrows. "I'm keeping an eye on you, if you want to or not." She mentioned firmly, reaching for the laundry that had been washed. I watched her as she gently placed the wet clothes into a basket, to bring it over to the dryer instead.

Taking off my shirt, I had to try really hard to suppress my sigh, knowing she was only caring. "Caroline, I'll be fine. I can do it myself and besides, I'm in the bath, not in the shower. No chance I'll faint and fall like that again.

She started singing. "Still keeping an eye on you."

Biting my bottom lip, I watched how the faucet slowly filled the tub with steaming water. There was no point in fighting back, I knew once Caroline had gotten something inside her head, you couldn't get it out. Besides, I knew she was only doing what was best for me. Once my clothes were off fully, I sank down into the warm, soapy, water, breathing out in relief.

However, Caroline rushed over to me, her eyes wide. "Wait, your tube." She mumbled to herself, retrieving my beanie and pulling it back over my head. "Keep this on, so your tube doesn't fall into the water." She instructed, attaching the tube to my beanie.

"Alright." I answered quietly, slowly stretching my arms and legs as the aching in my muscles and bones were still present. Closing my eyes, I simply tried to ignore it, letting my thoughts run again, but surely, they went to her right away.

Had I really admitted it to myself? It was rather hard to believe, seeing how stubborn I could be. I didn't really know what to think of it, was it too soon?

But it couldn't be- she gave me feelings no other girl had ever given me before. No matter how cheesy it sounded, the moment she would walk into the room my mood would change right there. She never failed to cheer me up when I was feeling unwell, she made me feel confident on the first days where I was still getting used to my bald head- she made me feel like I could be myself. Her whole optimistic appearance made me feel joyful and made the days in the hospital so much better for me.

Whenever she wouldn't be working, I felt extremely bored and always wondered what she was up to. I was disappointed whenever she wouldn't come- I wanted to see her. I was constantly looking forward to the days she worked on, hoping her first chore would have to do something with me. Whether it would be feeding me or waking me up- if it was Rose, I was happy.

Now, I was sure they weren't just my hormones. If it would have been that way, I would've been craving for something else instead of holdings hands. Sure, I was still a guy and woke up in the middle of the nights with thoughts I wouldn't want to have when she was around, but besides all that, I longed for was to be close to her. I longed to hold her soft hands once again, I longed for her presence, her voice, her touch.

She made me forget about the things that made me feel blue, she made me forget about the constant ache that was usually present in my bones, she made me feel better- no matter what situation or mood I was one. Rose was there for me, like she said, but her actions and words had confirmed that all. I needed to be with her, if it was in a relationship or just in the same room. It was all I longed for.

But she wasn't mine.

Rose would never be mine. She knew there was a chance where I would die. What if she had feelings for me, she wouldn't ever admit. It would only hurt her and I truly didn't want her to hurt because of me. She was too beautiful for that- it would kill me. So perhaps, that was exactly the reason why I hadn't felt at peace ever since I had admitted to myself that I liked Rose. I became worried.

"Zayn?" My heart sank to my toes when I felt Caroline's hand on my shoulder, my heart thumping loudly at the sudden touch that woke me from my thoughts.

Taking a deep breath as she startled me, I looked up at her. "What's up? You scared me."

Caroline dragged a chair over to the bathtub, where she sat down right beside me. "Are you okay?" She questioned, adjusting the tube better to my beanie now she had time.

Shrugging slowly, I drew circles in the warm water with my finger, intensely staring as the circles became bigger, but faded into the unknown after. I drew them near my thighs, went further towards my knees, but stopped when my muscles started to hurt from my stretching arm and my back. Slowly, I went back to drawing them around my thigh area as that didn't hurt as much.

"I know you're not fine, physically, but mentally you seem very low. That right?" Her fingers tapped onto my shoulder and when I looked up at her, I noticed how soft her expression was, as if she wanted to hear me out. I couldn't tell her.

Shrugging again, I simply scooped up some foam and stared at it as if it was the most interesting thing I had ever seen in life, only to avoid the conversation.

A sigh left Caroline's lips and she slowly stroked my head over my beanie. "You can tell me, Zayn. You know that, yeah?"

"It's nothing. It's just.. my body hurts. I couldn't turn around in bed last night from pain." I wasn't lying, but obviously avoiding the mentally part, still.

She pinched my shoulder. "I know you're physically not fine, but mentally. What's up, Zayn? Where's my positive guy?"

I bit my lip, "The guy is drowned in thoughts."

"That doesn't sound okay. What kind of thoughts did he drown into?" Caroline played along, which made me feel better about it all. For some reasons, it was easier to say something in third person to me, as if in that way- you could still protect your personal self.

Rubbing my eyes after I made sure there wasn't any soap left on my hands, I sighed quietly. "Thoughts of one specific human creature who's been taking over his mind slowly, so he told me."

Caroline rested her chin into her hand. "A girl?" She knew, and there was no point of hiding it anymore. Perhaps, she could give me advice, just like mum had done, however- this situation was a little more complicated. Rose was a nurse, I was her patient. No matter how stupid it all sounded- we simply weren't allowed to get into anything together, even if we wanted to. It would cost Rose her job, Caroline understood.

"A girl." I confirmed, somewhat reluctantly.

Caroline looked thoughtful, but a smile was present. "Usually when the guy is thinking about this one specific girl, there's a smile on his face. How comes it isn't there, now?"

"That smile had been there when the feelings were still fresh and simple. Now that they have developed more, I guess it's all just.. a little more complicated." Pulling up my knees, I rested my head back against the edge of the tub.

"Has he, coincidentally, told you what makes it so complicated for him?" She wondered, slowly drawing circles in the bath water with her finger as well.

I stared at her finger, "His sickness."

"Did that ever stop him before?" Caroline stared at me, but I hadn't noticed until I had looked up myself. I quickly turned my attention to something else.

"No."

Caroline hummed. "What else makes it complicated for him?"

"Her job." I breathed out, avoiding eye contact at all it costed. I confirmed, Caroline would now be sure of who I was talking about- it gave me mixed feelings.

"Why?" She questioned.

"She might lose it." Rubbing my nose, I brought my knees back into the water as they were getting cold, but so was the water.

Caroline mumbled that I had to get out of the bath as the water was getting cold, so once she had helped me out as the pain had been unbearable for a minute or two, she wrapped a towel around my shivering body and rubbed my arms in order to warm me up a little.

"I can understand why the guy has drowned into his thoughts. But it seems he's very worried about the bad sides, and is forgetting about the positive sides. In that way, he could make himself feel less stressed. Perhaps, he could talk about it with people he trusts. He might feel better." Caroline searched for eye contact- she said those words more to me than the third person guy we had been talking to and about.

Tears appeared in my eyes and before I knew it, one managed to roll down. "I.. he wants to talk about it with Nathan."

Caroline's eyes glistened right away, she became emotional. She placed her finger onto my cheek and brushed off the tear. "I know, sweetheart." She whispered quietly.

Watching her as she retrieved my clothes, I dried myself and slipped on my underwear, pulling up my trousers after that. Once I had adjusted a black sweater over my head, I walked over to Caroline and pulled her into a hug as I needed comfort for different reasons. She hugged me back, caressing my back soothingly.

"Come, sweetheart. I'm going to give you some painkillers and food, then you can take a nap if you want, okay?" She said after she had pulled away, making me nod. There was nothing better to do than sleeping anyway.