🍒 HALF HEARTED 🍒
SEVEN: MIDNIGHT MISSES

Lani's throat is still burning, her limbs aching – she's got nothing left to cry. Never has she ever been in a situation like the one she was in less than an hour ago. She's never even seen a gun before, let alone almost gotten shot by one. She didn't leave the tree for maybe ten minutes after it happened because she was too busy fucking crying to climb down. Sarah and John B had climbed down immediately after, watching as JJ wrapped his arms around her as she cried. He had nodded at them, letting them know they'd meet them inside.

She was exhausted. This had been the longest day of her life and she can't quite comprehend the reality of the situation. If their first instinct was to run and hide when someone pulled into the driveway, what had they been going through? Who else could scare them so badly? Scare them into hiding?

Now, Lani is sitting on the pull-out bed in the living room with her legs crossed and her hands folded in her lap, sniffling softly every once in a while. JJ is also on the bed, close enough to where she can feel his warmth but can't feel him.

John B and Sarah are across from them, sitting at the dining room table. No one's said anything because what is there to say? Wow, that was insane. No. I can't believe that happened. Obviously. Rafe is fucking crazy. They've all known that for a while.

Lani feels like she's missing something – like there's a giant piece of the puzzle that she just doesn't have. It's hiding somewhere just out of reach or perhaps it's dangingly above her head, an inch from her fingertips.

"Um," she says. Her hands shake, and all eyes glance up to look at her. "Can I – can I ask you guys something?"

The bed shifts as JJ leans forward. Sarah nods. "Of course."

"What happened?" she asks. "On the tarmac? JJ said you didn't do it – kill the sheriff."

Sarah pulls her bottom lip between her teeth, and John B grabs her hand. "I didn't," he says.

"Then Ward really did it?" she asks. She's known Ward Cameron her whole life, since she was learning her alphabet and how to spell her name and how to ride a bike – she can't believe it. She can't imagine everything running through Sarah's head right now, or even these past few weeks.

"Not really," John B says. "Rafe did –"

"Rafe killed Peterkin?" Lani asks. Her heart drops. Earlier this same day, Lani was out with Rafe, drinking with him without knowing he's a fucking murderer. He'd killed the sheriff? "Then why is Ward on trial instead of him?"

" – the douche blamed John B but still doesn't want his treasured son to get caught for it –"

"JJ, man," John B says with the shake of his head. JJ closes his mouth, silencing himself.

"I don't understand," Lani says and buries her face in her hands. Her frizzy hair falls over her shoulders, tickling her neck as it does. She really had hope that her father was representing someone good – someone decent – but he's not. He's covering up a crime and throwing John B to the wolves. Might as well toss him deep into the ocean for the sharks to get him. She just can't believe it. Does he even know John B is alive? Her father is just totally fucking fine with accusing a teenager for a murder when the real murderer was at the country club drinking with her hours ago? "My dad wouldn't represent someone like that. I know he wouldn't." Right?

"Lani," Sarah says then. "Your dad has been his lawyer for years. They're friends. They basically grew up together."

Lani frowns because it's true. Her father spent holidays with Ward Cameron – he was there when he met Rose and when they got married and when both Sarah and Rafe learned to drive. Rafe. "...I wonder if he knows Rafe's actually the one that did it."

"Probably not," Sarah mumbles.

Lani's heart feels heavy. She just can't believe any of this. "God, I was literally with Rafe earlier, and I didn't even know –"

"Wait, you were with Rafe?" JJ asks then, pulling his brows together.

"Why were you with Rafe?" Sarah asks.

"Why did he know what your purse looked like?" John B asks, and Sarah gives him a look that kind of reads Why would you ask that kind of question?.

Lani suddenly feels overwhelmed with all the questions. She didn't realize it would be a big deal that she was with Rafe earlier – like, it's not like she knew what he did. Perhaps she could've guessed something was off with the way he was talking about the gun but – wait. Was he talking about killing Peterkin? Oh, God. She could vomit.

Lani's hands find their way to the back of her neck, resting there as she looks at the ceiling, avoiding eye contact with everyone. She can still see JJ staring at her from the corner of her eye, but she tries to ignore it. "Yes, I was with Rafe earlier, but I wasn't with Rafe earlier."

Lani drops her hands back into her lap as JJ says, "I don't get it."

"I was with Rafe, yes, but I'm not fucking sleeping with Rafe, OK?" she clarifies.

"OK," JJ says. "So why were you with him then?"

"Did you think I was drinking alone before I came here?" she asks then. JJ doesn't say anything, and she takes that as a yes. She can't blame him; she's been drinking alone for days now. He's caught her doing it multiple times. "OK, maybe don't answer that. I was with Rafe earlier to drink. That's it."

"Why Rafe, though?" JJ asks. "He kinda...sucks."

"Because he invited me...and I wanted to piss off Landon."

"Ah, the truth comes out," he says.

"And I wanted to get drunk," she adds. JJ raises a single brow. "What? I was...grieving."

Sarah looks away when she says this, and she inhales sharply. Lani's hands begin to fucking sweat because why did she say that? She's not lying but still. "Lani –"

"Forget it," Lani mumbles. "It's fine. We don't need to talk about that right now."

"I –"

There's a ringing coming from the chair by Sarah, where all of Lani's belongings sit. Her purse lays on top of her dress and wedges, her phone ringing the familiar tune from inside. Sarah opens her purse, grabbing her phone and hesitantly tossing it towards Lani, who catches it in her hands – just like she always did when Sarah would throw it.

"Who is it?" JJ asks, peeking his head over her shoulder. She uses her free hand to push his face away.

"Fuck," she whispers. "It's my dad. Why's he calling so late?"

"What? Don't answer!" JJ says as he peeks back over her shoulder. "What if he can, like...hear us right now? Does he have your phone bugged?"

"Are you kidding, JJ?" she asks. "I have to answer. Just...be quiet, please."

As she answers the phone, she prays he's not upset. She can't just ignore it because then he might call out some fucking search party or her mother will call her. Her heart is racing as she says, "Hi, dad."

"Where are you?" he asks then. Shit, shit, shit. "I just got home from work. Figured you'd be in bed...and you're not. Car's not here either."

Oh fuck, her car is still at the country club. Lani is this close to losing it. Of course this is happening right now. JJ has his hand clasped over his own mouth, making sure he doesn't make any noises. God forbid her father thinks she's with a boy this late at night. "Oh, crap. Sorry, dad. I forgot to tell you. I'm staying at...um, Julie's. Is that OK?"

"Julie's?" he repeats. Her father likes Julie, and perhaps, this'll start getting her back in the good graces of her family. Maybe. Or at least make it seem like she wants to be back in their graces.  "Yeah, that's fine. I just wanted to make sure you were OK. I haven't heard from you in a little bit."

"OK. Sorry."

She can hear rustling on the other side of the phone as he's probably hanging his jacket on a hook and shutting off lights around the house like he usually does. Though slightly settled, Lani can still feel her heart sitting in her throat, waiting for something to go wrong. "Listen, I probably won't be home when you get back tomorrow. I've got some things I have to do for this case, but I'll see you at dinner?"

Then, Lani pauses. She looks at Sarah, who's already watching her. "Ward Cameron's case?"

When she says his name, the group of Pogues' eyes widen in surprise. She can feel JJ's head hover near the other side of her phone, trying to listen into the conversation, but she ignores him this time.

"Yes," he says.

"...Is everything alright?" she asks. John B uncomfortably slides closer to the edge of his seat as he exchanges glances with Sarah.

"I hope so," he says. "You know I can't talk about this, Lani."

"Right," she says. "Sorry. Just wanted to make sure Mr. Cameron's alright."

She wants to throw up. She should just hang up the phone completely. This all feels like too much.

"I think he's fine," her father says. "I'll tell him you asked about him –"

"No, no, that's OK," Lani says quickly. "You don't have to tell him. I was just wondering."

"If you insist. I'll see you tomorrow."

"OK. Bye, dad."

No one says anything when she hangs up the phone, immediately turning it off and throwing it onto a random spot on the makeshift bed. She can tell the mention of her father stressed Sarah out, and John B must notice it as well because he excuses them, and they disappear into his bedroom without so much as a goodnight. Lani feels bad then, like she did something to make Sarah upset, but she didn't. It's just Ward. He's not who either of them remembered he was.

So, now it's just her and JJ sitting alone on a pull-out sofa bed, her fingers fiddling together as she watches them. At this angle she can see the peeling of her nail polish and the scars on her fingers from a terrible job cutting fruit a few years ago. She's not usually speechless, but right now? It feels awkward.

Like always, JJ's the one to break the silence first. "So..."

Only that made it more awkward. She turns to look at him. "What, JJ?"

"Um, how are you doing?" he asks. "With everything..."

"I'm fine," she says quickly.

"OK."

"I really am," she mumbles as she turns back to her hands.

"Don't you get tired of the whole pretending thing?" he asks then. She can feel him shift in the bed at the same time as her heart changes rhythm. It beats a little faster, moving towards her throat, trying to evict itself all at once.

"Sometimes," is all she says.

"Lani," he says. She doesn't want to, but she looks at him over her shoulder, and he's got these sweet, blue eyes that beg for her to pay attention to them. He grabs her crossed legs and turns them towards himself, crossing his own legs across from her. They sit facing each other now, legs crossed, hands folded in their respective laps. She finds this silly. "You know you don't have to pretend with me –"

"It's not that easy, JJ."

"I can tell you're not OK," he points out, and she almost despises it. She despises that he can read her so well when he barely knows her and that he can make her heart flutter in her chest with just one look from those bright, blue eyes and that he's sitting only a foot away from her but still he's not close enough –

"Stop," she whispers. "I'm fine, OK? I don't want to talk about it."

"OK," he says. "Just know – I get it. What you're feeling."

"Do you?" she asks with a flare in her chest.

"Yeah, I do," he replies. "Your friend 'died', so did mine. Yours came back, so did mine. You felt like complete shit for days because of it, so did I –"

"OK, sorry," she says. "I didn't mean to snap, I just – it's hard."

"I know."

"I'm sorry."

"Don't be."

"But –"

"Lani, seriously," JJ says. "Stop apologizing to me. You don't have to."

"I have a lot to apologize for," she says. "I was a bitch to you – a big one. Massive, even. I treated you like fucking dirt because you're –"

"A Pogue?"

"...Yeah."

"Yeah," is all he says. "Kooks will do that."

She doesn't say anything because he's right. Her and the rest of the fucking Kooks suck. They think they're better than everyone else just because they have money with fancy houses on the beach and pools in their backyards and three bathrooms each and super nice cars. She recognizes this, and she hates herself for it now. Now that she's seen the other side. It's different: The people are more friendly, it's quieter, Sarah's here, JJ's here –

"I didn't mean –"

"No," she says. "It's true."

This time it's him that doesn't speak up, and she doesn't know why it's so awkward right now. It's not usually awkward between them, and it never has been. But right now...She doesn't really know what's going on.

"I feel like I don't know that much about you," he says suddenly.

She looks up at him when he says this. His curious eyes are looking right at her, waiting for her to spill all her dirty little secrets. She has so many. "You don't."

"I know that."

She doesn't know why she doesn't feel tired yet. It's so late – she couldn't even tell you the time. She thinks perhaps it's because of the events of earlier; her heart hasn't stopped racing in her chest and her mind hasn't stopped spinning. She doesn't think she'll get any sleep tonight at all. JJ doesn't look like he will either as his thumb taps repeatedly on the back of his hand in what she assumes is stress or anxiety. He doesn't usually do this. "And yet...You go around pretending like you do."

"What do you mean?" he asks.

She lets out a deep breath. "You stand up for me when I don't need it. Check on me when I don't deserve it. Make me seem like I'm some super fun, cool girl when I'm not."

"OK, so tell me something," he says. "Something deep."

She snorts softly. "No."

"Lani –"

"You want deep?" she asks then, and he nods quickly. She bites her lip and returns a single nod. "OK. I like my coffee with lots of creamer. Eggs – scrambled with cheese. Mozzarella cheese. Water – ice cold. Tequila – with lime and salt –"

"Wow," JJ says. "That's so deep. I feel like I know everything about you now."

"You do. More than most."

He chuckles. "I'm honored."

"You should be." She giggles. Fucking giggles. Disgusting. She can't believe she just did that. Lani is disgusted with herself for fucking giggling at this bright, blue eyed boy that is smiling at her and begging to know all of her deepest secrets and enjoys her company and spending time with her no matter what they do –

He's exactly what she needs.

"I have a question," he says then.

"Shoot."

"Do you ever think about leaving this place and just...never coming back?" he asks.

Without missing a beat, Lani says, "Always."

"Oh, really?" JJ breathes out. "Where do you wanna go?"

She shrugs. It's now that she realizes how close they're sitting. One of them must've scooted closer during their conversation. She doesn't know if it was her or him because she always feels herself gravitating towards him. With JJ, she doesn't feel any judgment or hatred; she feels wanted. "Anywhere. I hate this place. What about you?"

"Yucatan."

"Yucatan?"

"Yeah. It's beautiful. Bright blues and greens as far as the eyes can see."

Bright blue just like his eyes. The ones that are staring back at her with such excitement that she could just melt on the spot – oh my god, Lani, get it together. "It sounds beautiful."

"It is."

"I'd...love to see it sometime."

"Me, too," JJ says. Blue eyes look at her – stare at her. Longing for her, worshiping her, begging for her. His hand rests on her thigh, and the blue eyes look at her lips, and then right into her own brown eyes, and then back to her lips and –

Shit.

She can feel herself pulling towards JJ, wanting to feel his warmth and his comfort and him. Her heart beats rapidly in her chest. Thump, thump, thump –

Lani, stop –

His lips hover over hers, just barely touching. His warmth breath fans her face, and –

– and she pulls away.

"I – uh – I'm gonna...I'm gonna get some water," she says before she slides off the bed.

Fucking stupid, stupid, stupid, she tells herself as she grabs a glass from a random cabinet. She's not even fucking thirsty, and yet she runs the water and takes a sip before setting it back on the counter. Her heart beats rapidly in her chest. She doesn't really know what to do right now, but nonetheless she returns back to the living room to see JJ placing pillows on the bed and pulling a blanket onto it before he turns around and sees her.

"Um, you can sleep here. I can – uh – take the floor," he says.

"No, no, it's OK," she says. "I don't mind."

JJ looks at her like he doesn't really know what to do. He's acting like nothing happened, and she appreciates that, but his bright blue eyes have a tint of sadness and regret that makes her want to crumble. She didn't mean for that at all.

"Are you sure?" he asks.

"Yeah," she says as she climbs into the bed and pulls the thin cover over her. John B's place is warm already, so the thin blanket does nothing but provide comfort in unknown territory. JJ bites his lip but decides to turn out the light and crawl into the inside of the bed.

For a little while they both lay there, Lani's heart thumping heavily as he stares at the ceiling laying on his back. His fingers twitch besides hers, wanting the warmth but not daring to act on it.

But she does.

She loops her hands with his and slides closer to him, laying her head on his shoulder. She can feel him release a breath, but he doesn't say anything. He makes himself comfortable and wraps his arm around her, pulling her as close as he can.

It's in this moment that Lani feels her most comfortable, wrapped in the arms of JJ Maybank, feeling like herself – like she doesn't need to be Perfectly Cher Horowitz.

She's Lani Liu, and that's enough right now.

AN: hi!! I'm sorry it's been so long, had a few big things happen in my life and I didn't have the option or time to write. I've been in midterms and finals are coming up and I feel like I'm drowning but, whenever possible, I'll always make time for Lani and JJ <3 I love them with my whole heart

I hope you enjoyed!!! Pls let me know what you think:)