Decisions

"Even though they say that time heals all wounds

The scars are still fucking there.

I can't forget what happened, I can't forget how I felt."

The next day I woke up surprisingly rested, only to find Daryl not beside me. Of course, he hadn't sat there in silence all night. That wouldn't be him at all.

I could hear the creaking of the floorboards outside the door, sure that I would find the archer sitting on the porch steps, busying himself with a morning cigarette.

As I sat up to rub the sleep from my eyes, I felt a thin blanket covering my legs. One thing I was sure of: I hadn't put it there.

A thoughtful gesture I wouldn't have expected from the grumpy redneck.

At some point, I must have fallen asleep without nightmares and without jolting awake in a cold sweat. It had been a long time since I'd slept so peacefully. It was a welcome change, and for better or worse, I had Daryl to thank for it. Not loud, just in my head, where he couldn't hear it.

The sun's rays fell through the broken window in a warm light, casting a pleasant veil over my face while I stretched my stiff limbs and stood up. Instinctively, I traced the symbol on my ring finger as I thought back to the previous day, the events feeling more like a bad dream. Only the wounds were proof it had actually occurred.

Pushing my thoughts aside, I stepped out of the cabin fully packed finding Daryl right where I'd assumed him to be.

"Morning", I chimed in astonishing good mood, that surprised even me. The difference a good night's sleep could make was astounding.

Daryl didn't answer, his back still to me. His fingers fiddled with the crossbow, even as I took another step toward him.

"Sorry for not switching shifts..."

"Ain't nothin'", he finally spoke, keeping his eyes on his work.

"What're doing?" I was curious. What was so interesting about this crossbow. Not even for a second would the hunter let it out of sight.

"'Non of ya business.'" Well, that was straight forward.

And maybe he was right. What was I trying to do here?

Yesterday didn't change anything. We were still strangers to one another. Strangers that just happened to help each other. Nothing more. Nothing less.

I grabbed the straps of my backpack and straightened my shoulders.

Don't trust no one. Don't open up.

"We should head back. It's still a long way."

⚚

The camp was in sight when I stopped Daryl.

"Hey, listen..."

Nervously I fiddled with my fingers, trying to find the words.

"Don't tell anyone, especially my brother, about...you know..."

God, this was embarrassing.

"None of ma business. Won't tell anyone." The coldness in his tone was beyond anything I'd heard from him so far. But whatever, I'd take it if he'd just keep his mouth shut about the details of yesterday's events.

"Alright, I appreciate it."

He grunted in response before making his way to the camp, me following in silence.

My brother's eyes widened when he spotted us at the edge of the forest. "Kat!" There was a sense of relief in his voice when his arms wrapped tightly around me. However, he did not refrain from rebuking me, like it was my plan to get lost. "Don't ever do that again!"

"Sorry," I mumbled returning the hug. His familiar smell brought tears to my eyes. I would have loved to pour my heart out to him right then and there, getting all the baggage off my chest. But everything in me resisted being truthful to him.

Everyone and his mother circled around us, worried expressions plastered on their faces.

"Where have you been?" Alex.

"What happened?" Rick.

"Your face." Glenn. How lovely, right?

"Dixon, you look like shit." Shane.

We were bombarded with questions.

Daryl seemed unbothered by these people, shoving his way through them in a hurry.

"Got attacked by some assholes, that's all."

"What?!" Alex looked at me in shock, examining me from top to bottom. Did he not see my face? "You good?"

I waved him off. "Yeah, of course I am."

My eyes immediately wandered to Daryl, who hadn't blown the whistle on my lie. Just like he promised. Once again, he impressed me with his actions.

Rick was anxious. "Are these assholes still with us?"

"Now that's funny", I smirked, hiding the insecurity I felt at being reminded of the way I'd killed one of these men. What would Alex think of me if he had seen me like this? Slaughtering a person in cold blood. It didn't matter if the bastard deserved it. What I'd done, and especially how I'd done it, would probably change Alex's perception of me forever.

"Daryl have you seen any of these men before?", Shane asked the question, that made my hair stand on end.

"Nah, just some idiots passin' through." Daryl had no idea who the men were. I had never seen their faces myself, but I knew exactly what group they belonged to. And that was the real problem.

"Kat?" I couldn't stand the look on their faces as they waited expectantly for my answer. "What about you? Seen them before?" Shane bored his eyes into mine, ready to detect any lie that would leave my lips.

Instinctively, I reached for my ring finger and absentmindedly stroked the tattooed 'B' that was so much more than just a permanent mark on my body. It engraved my soul in a way I'd never thought possible.

"No, never seen them before. Like Daryl said, just a couple of idiots passing through."

No one seemed to notice my lie, except Shane, who eyed me with a skepticism that made me feel caught out. But I couldn't let it show.

"You two seem pretty messed up." Shane was very persistent. The man didn't trust me. Understandably. After all, I was the one who told them lie after lie.

"Ya should see'em", Daryl countered, giving me a reassuring look.

Shane adjusted his cap, still unhappy with my answer. Luckily, he didn't push any further. "Yeah, right."

My lie felt bad and gnawed at my conscience. Most of all, lying to my brother went against everything inside of me and was a massive betrayal of his trust.

I couldn't bring myself to tell the truth, though. If I confessed what had happened in the past few months, he would hate me forever. And I couldn't handle that. He was my family.

"Kat", Alex approached me with caution, "listen...about yesterday."

"Forget it," I cut him off. A fight was the last thing I wanted. Everyone was tense about the CDC situation, and it was inevitable that tempers would boil over. But being at war with Alex wasn't worth the topic.

He inspected the injuries carefully. "What did they do to you?"

A few scratches, a blue eye, nothing worth mentioning. If we were talking about physical condition.

"T-Dog," he called after the bald man, whose age I guessed to be about my own, "get me the first aid kit."

"Alex", I started, trying to convince him I was fine, but he wouldn't let me finish.

T-Dog approached us, carrying a black bag. He was of broad build, average height, and had so far kept a rather inconspicuous presence in the background. A sympathetic smile played around his lips as he handed Alex the requested bag. "Here you go, man."

Without asking, he shook my hand. "Theodore Douglas, but just call me T-Dog." I tried to keep a straight face, but his name choked me.

"Kat," I replied in a curt manner, though I was sure that he already knew my name.

A few awkward seconds of silence passed, during which he kept shaking my hand and wouldn't let go, until Alex rushed to my rescue.

"Thanks, man."

Embarrassed, T-Dog cleared his throat, finally releasing me. "Yeah, no worries."

"Well, that was awkward," I admitted, after the young man was out of earshot.

Alex cupped my cheeks again. "Don't change the subject."

I grabbed his wrists gently, "Don't worry, it's fine. Within a few days, I'll be as good as new."

And again. Lies. How easily they flowed was frightening.

"Okay", Alex sounded disappointed, he sensed something was wrong, but he knew me well enough to not push me. At least for now. "I'm here, just so you know."

"Yeah, I know."

The tension between us became more palpable the longer we looked into each other's eyes. As did the emotional distance, for which I alone am ultimately responsible. Only because I'm a coward. Remorsefully, I looked down, my gaze fixed on my boots as if they held the solution to all my problems. If only it were that simple.

"Alex..." I struggled. Finding the starting point for this conversation was harder than I could have ever imagined.

As I tried to break out of my comfort zone and make myself vulnerable, a piercing scream interrupted my moment with Alex, vanishing every spark of courage.

"Walkers!" Rick and Shane yelled in unison, their voices being followed by gunshots.

My brother looked at me. "You know how to handle this, right?"

"Now you're mocking me."

Did I know how to handle it? I had killed so many of these things that I had stopped counting at a certain point. And I was still alive, wasn't I?

My tunnel vision kicked in as we rushed to the others at a fast pace. The cries for help and the gunfire grew louder as we neared the scene.

Panic flashed in Alex eyes, hearing his people scream for help made him sped up. "Kat, faster!"

"On it!" My knife laid firmly in my right hand, always ready to kill.

Chaos had broken out in the camp, making the scene difficult to grasp with the human eye. It was not the first time I had seen something like this. The despair, the fear, I knew all of that, which probably made it easier to deal with.

I saw the older man standing by his RV, rifle at the ready and a blonde woman crouching behind him. Tears were streaming down her cheeks as she closed her eyes to the horror happening in their so called 'safe space'.

Three freaks approached them, snarling and hungry for their fresh meat.

"Shoot!" I shouted at him, but the man didn't seem to be listening, instead allowing himself and the woman to be pushed further and further back. Until there was no way out.

"Bloody hell!" Approaching the first walker, I kicked him hard in the back of the knee, sending him stumbling to the ground, only to slam my knife into his skull. His cranium was soft and barely resisted the blade as it burrowed deep into his brain, silencing him forever.

One down, two to go.

"Andrea," I heard the man yell at the woman hiding behind his frame, "pull yourself together, please." His fingers trembled as he tried to raise his rifle.

There was no time for reassuring talk, we had to act or there would be more graves to dig.

I tried to block out my surroundings and focused on what was important. Staying alive.

"Hey," I shouted to attract the freaks' attention, "I'm here."

On cue, they turned to look at me, their milky eyes sending shivers down my spine. No matter how many times I did this, I would never get used to those blank stares. Although they were human, there was nothing human about them. It was terrifying.

With a casual flick of my wrist, I threw the knife, which hit its target in the left eye with one hundred percent accuracy. Dad would be proud of the progress I'd made.

Without any defense, I faced my last opponent, who came at me with outstretched arms. A mangled jawline made the Walker's visage even more grotesque. His rotten fingers reached for me, ready to tear my soft flesh to pieces. But I ducked, just fast enough to avoid his grasp before I drew the revolver from its holster and shot him in the head. Brain matter and blood poured over me making me feel sick to the stomach. I wouldn't get used to that either.

"You're alright?" I asked, panting like I had just run a marathon. I really needed to work on my fitness.

"I guess so," replied the man, who looked like Santa Claus, after pulling the blonde woman to her feet.

I pointed at his decent weapon, "Make sure you use it next time."

"Everybody okay?" Sheriff Rick questioned around the camp, ensuring everyone's safety. The danger was averted for now, but it was only a matter of time before the next attack threatened to overrun the camp.

For the first time, I looked around and stared into the faces of these people, marked by pure fear. The ground was littered with corpses, and blood and human remains had turned the oh-so-peaceful camp into a battlefield in a matter of minutes. No one seemed physically harmed, but the shock was profound. It was the reality that hit them all unexpectedly and made them realize that this place was no longer safe.

It never was.

Rick exuded great confidence as he stepped forward, his son and wife firmly in his arms.

"It's time to make a decision."

⚚

Night was falling over the camp and pure silence reigned as I spotted the old man sitting on the roof of his RV. This was the tenth time I had walked along the edge of the forest, and the old man had obviously noticed, judging by the look he threw at me.

"What?" I turned to face him because I could feel his eyes glued to my back each time I passed him by.

He adjusted the rifle in his lap and cleared his throat. "Nothing. I just think you've patrolled often enough. We're safe for now."

Safe. I couldn't remember the last time I felt truly safe. It was clearly before the world went to shit.

"Better safe than sorry, old man."

"Dale," he corrected, getting up from his camping chair and lifting his old cap in a gentlemanly manner.

"A'right, Dale. Thank you for the concern, but I know what I'm doing."

"You sure do. Handled yourself pretty well out there." It was obvious that he was talking about my performance from earlier.

There were only two options: Kill or be killed. So far, I had always chosen the former. Even though the second option often tempted me.

"Just learned to look after myself."

A friendly smile played on Dale's lips. "Yeah, I guess you're right."

His aura radiated so much optimism that I wondered where he got all that positive energy from. But these people had been isolated for months from the true horrors that lurked beyond this quarry. Attacks like this were just the tip of the iceberg.

The abyss of humanity had remained hidden from them. It would not stay that way forever. Unfortunately. Therefore, you could only hope that Dale would retain his positivity.

I hadn't been able to.

"I wanted to thank you", Dale spoke, sincere gratitude was reflected in his tone, "For savin' us."

"I hope you won't regret those words."

There was nothing to be thankful for. The day would come when he'd wish I hadn't.

"I don't see why."

I could think of plenty of reasons.

"Open your eyes, Dale. The life we knew is no more."

"For someone who despises this life so much, you're fighting pretty desperately to stay alive."

Since the outbreak, I'd had enough weak moments where the gun in my mouth felt like an easy way out.

Even more so after Dad's death, which had completely knocked the rug out from under me. I'd thought my whole family was dead.

Why had I kept going? Why was I still here? I had asked myself those questions more than once.

The simple answer: I was afraid of dying. Nothing more, nothing less.

I was a coward, afraid of death itself.

"We're different people", I said in a calming voice, "that's why our motives differ."

In deep thought, he looked up at the sky, whose stars were unusually bright that night.

"You know what I find interesting about us humans?" Dale didn't wait for my answer. "Sometimes we focus too much on our differences, but when we all look up into the space, we see the same stars and we see the same sun. If you think about it...it can be really unifying."

I didn't have time for wise sayings.

"Wow, that was...life-changing, Obi-wan."

There was nothing to interpret. We were different people brought together for unexplainable reasons forced to escape this hell together. As far as there was an escape. At present, the whole situation seemed rather hopeless.

That's why I had to go to the CDC. It was my last chance of finding a solution to all of this. To get some answers and maybe return to a normal life. With Alex.

"Why did you save our lives when you obviously regret it?"

Did I? No. I didn't regret saving their lives. But I was afraid that one day, they would. And then they would blame me.

Dad's words echoed in my mind as I pondered Dale's question. Never regret being a good person. Maybe that's what I was trying to do. Going back for Daryl, saving these people. Maybe I wanted to wash my hands clean. Though I knew it was pointless. Some things could not be made up.

My mind wandered back and forth, as Dale patiently waited for my response.

"Regret is useless in life. It's in the past. And all we have is now."

Okay, now that sounded cheesy as hell.

Dale couldn't help but chuckle, "All right, Yoda."

"Oh, shut up."

But even I had a small smile on my face.

Just for a tiny moment.

A noise at the edge of the forest startled us both and reminded us of the task we had both set for ourselves. It was strange how quickly you could forget the prevailing circumstances. Never lower your guard, was one of the most important rules I had taught myself. And still, I did.

The all too familiar gasping sound reached our ears and gradually grew louder until a lone freak emerged from the bushes and staggered into the clearing of the quarry.

Dale lifted his rifle, but I stopped him from shooting. Now was not the right time to use it.

"No more gunshots." We couldn't afford any more noise after today's incident. The shots had certainly been heard for miles. We couldn't take the risk. "I got this."

My knife plunged straight into the walker's frontal lobe. The aim was a little off, but dead was dead.

Disgust washed through my body as I pulled the weapon from the skull, that wasn't supposed to feel so soft.

"God, I hate this." Complaining was definitely my way of coping with this otherwise I'd need to puke right then and there.

"Do you think the CDC has the answer?"

I'd almost forgotten Dale's presence, the sudden change of topic catching me completely off guard.

I could feel the doubt in him. It was not easy to tie one's life to something so uncertain. Especially when you hadn't made the decision yourself.

Honestly? I didn't know. But I wanted to believe it.

"It has to."

If not, I wouldn't know what to do.

⚚

I hadn't slept a wink, instead I'd been sitting next to the RV all night, thinking about a lot of things, while Dale had almost nibbled my ear off with his chatter.

The upcoming trip, the CDC, what would or wouldn't await us there. The uncertainty gave me a headache. This had to work because I couldn't handle anything else.

As soon as the sun rose over the quarry, everyone crawled out of their tents one by one and began packing up the camp. Bags were filled, supplies and weapons checked, and technology tested for functionality. Everything seemed ready, but the fear of the journey ahead remained.

Alex was carrying a box of supplies when he nudged me with his shoulder.

"You ready?", he said, genuine concern lingering in his voice. My little brother was still not convinced by this plan. But he did what the majority, or Rick Grimes, believed to be the best for this group. And staying here was not it. Even if it was the easiest solution in the short term.

With a shrug of my shoulders, I nodded. "I guess so."

He tilted his head slightly and looked at me with meticulous precision. I hated it when he tried to get too deep inside my head.

"Do I hear doubts?"

"Course not."

It would be too late for that anyway.

"It's okay to be scared, Kat."

Nervously, I nibbled at my bottom lip before picking up my bag from the floor and slinging it over my shoulder.

"Let's go," I stated without commenting on his words.

We weren't allowed to be afraid now.

After the cars and supplies were loaded and ready to go, Rick gathered his people around him. Packed with my gear, I stood in a semicircle next to Daryl, who didn't give me a second glance. His mood had dropped to zero since our "night together" in the woods. But this man was always irritable, even without my presence. So, I didn't read too much into his behavior.

The atmosphere was tense when Shane explained the procedure. His instructions were loud and clear.

"Everybody listen up. Those of you with C.B.s, we're gonna be on channel 40. Let's keep the chatter down, okay? Now you got a problem, don't have a C.B., can't get a signal or anything at all, you're gonna hit your horn one time. That'll stop the caravan. Any questions?"

A man stepped forward. I remembered Alex mentioning his name being Morales, but I wasn't entirely sure.

"We're, uh... We're... we're not going."

Like a silent observer, I listened to the supportive words of his wife, clinging to his side. "We have family in Birmingham. We want to be with our people."

Judging by the faces of everyone gathered, the family's news was not pleasant. Apparently, no one had expected them to part ways.

Shane was very direct in reminding Morales of the possible consequences of his decision. But you'd expect nothing less from this guy.

"You go on your own, you won't have anyone to watch your back."

In the end, it was up to them to decide. And this man's mind seemed to be made up.

"We'll take the chance. I got to do what's best for my family."

Goodbyes were never easy, especially when they were indefinite. Or in this case, probably forever. It was a heavy moment, as you could tell by the sad mood that prevailed as everyone hugged each other. I felt out of place, like an intruder in such an intimate moment.

As always, my brother was there, sensing my anxiety from miles away. As if Alex had a sixth sense, he gently squeezed my shoulder to tell "I'm here and won't go anywhere", because he knew exactly what was going through my mind. I dreaded the day when I would have to say goodbye to him.

Rick handed the family a revolver and half a box of bullets. It wasn't much, but at least it increased their chances of surviving. There was nothing else they could do. Except hope that the young family would somehow make it.

The expression on my brother's face was gloomy as we watched the car driving along the track until it finally disappeared from our view. His shoulder tensed when I gave it a gentle squeeze.

"You really think our chances are better..." It was supposed to be a question, but it felt more like a statement.

There was no ultimate answer, no ideal path. I wish there was.

All we had were options. But no one could predict what the consequences would be. Not Alex, not me, not Rick, not anyone.

"We do what we do to survive, right?"

After all, answering a question with a counter-question was also an answer. Even if it wasn't the one, he wanted to hear.

As always, thank you for reading and supporting this story! I hope you liked it.

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Lots of love.