Start song: violet by shoobies

I am super unreliable with updates. I am aware.

This is super long though, this chapter + last chapter is ish 10,000 words!!!!

not edited!!! whoops!

TW/// PANIC ATTACK

If Tyler had thought stress had been eating him alive the week prior, or even the few past days then nothing compared to today. Not by a long shot, he woke up and instead of water, waves of anxiety drowned him as he took his shower. He couldn't even recall having become so shakily nervous about school, never had he felt physically sick thinking about going to school, writing an essay and then playing a basketball game.

When he thought of it like that, it seemed so simple. He really wasn't doing much today but god it felt like so much more.

He even felt slightly dramatic, he shouldn't be overwhelmed by school. If he was overwhelmed now then he wasn't sure how he'd survive getting a job, or being in university.  He still had time though and he reminded himself that he had time whenever he could. Tyler knew that he was in fact running out though, he wasn't an idiot.

Planning for his future would come sooner rather then later and today's basketball game played a part in that.

It was difficult to get ready for school, he could barely breathe as he slipped on his clothes for the day. He needed reassurance but there was no one to go to right now and he didn't feel comfortable calling up Brendon, or Dallon or anyone for that matter.

He'd messed up yesterday, he was being rash and not thinking and it ended up to the start of what could've been a huge argument. He recognized that, yes, he had been spewing stupid words just because he could but he was now facing that backlash.

He hadn't even checked his phone since yesterday in fear of seeing messages from his friends.

Which didn't help because he needed to listen to music but he couldn't get on his phone without starting to cry.

Maybe he was being over sensitive, he didn't care.

And when he got to school and saw Dallon coming towards his locker he promptly turned away and went to class.

Regardless of the fact that his first period of the day was science class, which he had with Dallon. He ended up working alone for the whole hour. He couldn't speak to him and when Dallon approached him all he could do was glare as words failed to form on his tongue.

He ate lunch alone too, well it felt like it. Regardless that he actually ate lunch with the basketball team who kept looking at him for reassurance about the nights game but could find nothing but silence. Tyler knew that maybe he should be trying to encourage them and excite them for the game but how could he when he wasn't at all confident about it. Even after having feigned confidence for the past 4 years he couldn't do it right now. So they all ended up leaving him alone, even Pete, who although seemed reluctant to do so, he didn't bother him.

Tyler was glad. He didn't mind being alone, really. He needed time to think and maybe by having some time alone to do so, he could actually figure things out without his friends constantly butting in and asking him what he was thinking of.

He could think of countless times where he was having an issue and he didn't even have time to resolve it within himself before his friends came and tried to resolve it for him. Not that it didn't work but that internal conflict was still there by the end of it, pushed further down to stay unresolved until he found the guts to face it alone.

The rest of his day was to be long, he has english last period and then a hour break before the game would start. He could do it.

*

The moment he walked in to english class he felt an anxiety attack under way, his knees locked for a moment at the door and he felt the signs. He hadn't had one in ages. He felt disgusting, instead of age regressing he was going in the complete opposite direction as his mind failed to cooperate with its usual coping methods for things like this. His hands shook, his lip quivered and as he took his spot he had to hold his ankle to prevent it from shaking.

Jenna was there in her seat, concern clear within his blue eyes. She reached for him, arm over his shoulder and hand reaching for his as she leaned over his desk. It should've helped, but it didn't. He could hear her speaking but could not recognize the words.

Tyler froze and instead of trying to look at her he looked straight ahead as a warm hand squeezed his own. She was gone just as fast as she'd came though and he was glad, he was glad she hadn't even asked him if he was okay.

He swallowed thickly and nervously tilted his head to look at Mr.Dun. He was sat at his desk, all perfect and professional and he felt himself become more nervous. Tyler wanted to hug him for some reason, draw out some comfort. He couldn't though so he bit his nails and proceeded to pick at them until it hurt too much.

The moment Mr.Dun spoke he was pulled out of his thoughts and his eyes widened. "So as you know, today is the first graded essay of the semester." The class groaned, he could feel the nervous energy going around, only  affecting him more.

"It will count for a rather large portion of your grade and i expect you'll all do wonderful. You'll be allowed your essay outlines to aid you and that is all." He said, pointing at the stack of papers he was holding.

"I'll pass out the evaluation grid along with some lined papers and then we'll get started. If you don't have a pencil i suggest finding one."

"Does that sound alright?" He asked, eyes scanning the classroom. Tyler didn't think that sounded alright, he didn't want to write this essay. And it was clear that when Mr.Dun's eyes landed on him that he knew something was wrong.

No words were said though and Tyler was grateful as his teacher made his way to his desk to grab something instead of looking at him.

The evaluation grids were passed out quickly and silently.

Tyler pulled out everything he was allowed to access and his mind immediately blanked at the sight of the lined paper.

As he read over his essay outline everything became blurry, sentences hurt to read, writing anything substantial seemed impossible although all he really needed to do was transfer what he'd previously written onto fresh paper and make it more fluid and solid.

He sighed shakily, fingers scratching at his scalp and pulling at his hair as he struggled to breathe properly. He really needed to leave, now. He would do better on the next evaluated work, he'd do really well and it would be okay.

So he got up, quickly walking over to his teachers desk. "I-I have to go." He said, tears beginning to form as he touched the desk.

"Joseph, you can't leave during an evaluation." Mr.Dun said with careful eyes.

Tyler approached him, got closer, with shaking hands, he leaned in close, he whispered. "I'm about to have a panic attack, I can-I can feel it."

His features softened immediately and he took a peek at the class before looking at Tyler once more. "You can go stay in my office until class is over, we'll discuss when you can rewrite this afterwards." 

Relieved he left class as quickly as possible.

*

The moment he was behind a closed door he started crying, he couldn't breathe properly, his lungs felt blocked and he refused to open his eyes. That had been so embarrassing, he was in shock with what he'd just done. He would've been okay, he could have held out longer.

This was good though, the whole office smelled of Mr.Dun. Like pine trees, a forest. He assumed the cologne he wore was either applied once he got to school or the many candles placed throughout the room smelt of pine as well. Either way it helped, it was such a calming scent as he sat down on the floor beside the desk instead of one of the big arm chairs that had been pushed against the wall.

He did his breathing exercices and clutched the strands of the shaggy carpet that adorned the hardwood floors of the office. He took a deep breath through his nose, focused on how it felt as his lungs filled slowly and then he exhaled. Only to do it over and over again, counting the seconds in between. He was still crying though, wanting to just give in because the breathing exercice hadn't been enough to calm him down completely.

"Tyler?"

Tyler blinked, eyes opening and stared at him for a moment, widening his eyes as he hadn't expected to see him. Worry instantly pained his teachers face as he quickly scurried over and crouched down to his level as slowly as possibly in hopes of not alarming him. Tyler appreciated how cautious and careful he was.

"Hey, how are you feeling?" He asked quietly, tone just slightly higher then a whisper. He was clearly trying to keep the atmosphere of his office calm. "Do you need anything?"

Tyler coughed for a moment, wiping his eyes. "Water."

Mr.Dun was on his feet in seconds and Tyler focused on him as he walked behind his desk and unlocked the bottom drawer. The sounds of squished plastic bore at his ears and he hated the noise but at the sight of a plastic water bottle he sighed because it meant he wasn't about to be left alone.

When the water bottle ended up on an end table beside a large chair Tyler blinked at his teacher in confusion.

"Here, i'll help you up." Tyler reached for his hand and allowed Mr.Dun to redirect him. "Come sit up here." He said gently, guiding him with a hand on the small of his back.

"W-what about th-"

Mr.Dun hushed him as he got him settled into the large arm chair. "I got a teacher to fill in for me." He sat down in the smaller arm chair beside Tyler.

And Tyler nodded, relieved to not be alone anymore. Relieved to be able to squeeze Mr.Dun's hand as he focused on levelling his breathing.

He shut his eyes, squishing his teachers hand even tighter. Mr.Dun didn't seem to mind, he just waited patiently and let his thumb draw patterns against Tyler's knuckles.

The action was calming but after a few moments Tyler started crying again and he had no idea why. Maybe it was because he hadn't cried in weeks and it was long overdue or maybe it was because he had finally found comfort during a particularly rough week but either way it felt really good to get it out, he couldn't even feel embarrassed as he covered his face with his hands and shied away from the touch his teacher was easily supplying him with.

"hey, it's alright." Said Mr.Dun as quietly as his voice could go. The phrase was said without thought, Tyler knew for a fact that Mr.Dun didn't go around calling his students love. And the moment the word rolled off his teachers tongue Tyler squeezed his eyes tight and went silent, hiding his wet eyes behind his hands.

Without opening his eyes he let his hand grab for Mr.Dun's again, immediately interlocking their fingers once he found his hand.

"Tyler?" He said.

Tyler shook his head, took a deep breath and squeezed his hand. "G-give me minute, please."

There was a pause and then a shaky. "Of course." Came from beside him. He sounded nervous or more-so unsure about what he should be saying and Tyler didn't really blame him. They were holding hands, and even if it was just because Tyler needed to hold something to ground him at the moment he could feel the awkward conversation that was to come as soon as he didn't feel like he was about to vomit.

He genuinely felt sick from his panic attack.

Seconds turned into several minutes and Tyler used all of them to recollect himself and level his breathing and heart rate. He didn't necessarily feel completely better, if anything he felt drained.

"Thank you." Tyler said quietly after a long sigh, aware of how vulnerable and small he sounded as he spoke. It didn't help that his hair had become a mess and that his eyes were red and puffy. Even his posture had been affected by his overwhelmed state, arms loose around his knees, close to his chest in hopes of finding purchase and stability in his own stance and body.

Mr.Dun nodded and bit at his nails as his eyes refused to move away from a spot on the wall. He was clearly in deep thought, driven there during the few minutes of silence Tyler had thoughtfully requested for himself.

"Am I going to fail?" He asked, reaching for his water bottle and unscrewing the cap before taking a long sip. Mr.Dun failed to answer him though. "Sir?" He said, touching his shoulder only to have him jump in his seat and shake his head.

He coughed, pulling away slightly. "No, No. You'll be fine, you'll need to write your essay at some point, but certainly not today Tyler."

Tyler nodded bringing his chin down to rest on his knees. "Am I going to have to talk about this?" He asked quietly, his eyes never leaving his teachers.

Mr.Dun looked at him in confusion. Tyler sighed, letting go of his legs to cross them as he got into a better sitting position. He tried again. "I mean explain why i left- to validate me not writing my essay today?"

His teacher shook his head immediately. "No, look you don't need to tell me or anyone why you think you were reduced to having a panic attack during the essay. It's not really my business or anyone's for that matter." He sighed, glancing at Tyler. "But if you do want to talk about it, im all ears to just listen."

Tyler smiled slightly albeit the overwhelming feeling he had to hide and cry once more. "Usually I don't p-panic like that." He said, calmly gripping his teachers hand again, not meeting his gaze in fear of a bad reaction.

"Can you talk to me about something, please?" Tyler said after a few moments of complete silence.

He could see him nod in his peripheral vision. "Anything specific?"

Tyler wanted to know anything, it didn't particularly matter. He just needed something to focus on and at the realization that Tyler wasn't going to reply Mr.Dun nodded and leaned back in his chair, eyes warm as he made eye contact with Tyler. "Alright, this isn't me trying to make this about me okay?"

"My dog, Jim. I got him to help me with my anxiety. He's very therapeutic to me, before the school year started I just wasn't ever calm, I was constantly having panic attacks, so I was talking to my therapist about the whole situation. I was questioning if i'd even be able to take this job and stay mentally well at the same time. So he suggested an emotional support dog." He said, speaking slowly.

"I was kind of weary about it at first because i'd always been a cat person. But once I met Jim I instantly loved him. He's really calm and sweet, very lovable and cuddly. And he seems to be able to tell when my anxiety strikes because when it's at its worst he'll immediately cuddle up to me. He's ended up helping me a lot." Tyler found himself calming down as he spoke. Thinking about anything other than school was a great help in making him feel better.

"Can you bring him to school?"

He shook his head. "Unfortunately no, although he's trained and is be able to get into most public buildings. There's a student here who is deathly allergic to dogs."

"What else can you tell me about him?" He asked in a smaller voice, quieter than before.

"Uh, he can't catch a frisbee yet. He tries really hard but always ends up wiping out in the backyard."

"You have a backyard?"

He nodded. "Yeah there's a tire swing attached to the tree for when my cousins come over. But honestly I think I may use it more then they do." His smile was charming, Tyler just wanted to see him smile all the time. But his mind instantly focused on something else.

"shit, I have a game tonight." He said seconds later, the realization dawning on him heavily. It all came rushing back to him, there were to be scouts at this game, this game would determine the future of the next few games they'd be playing.

"Stay with me, Tyler, hey, hey. Come on love. It's all going to be fine."

He held onto his hand and didn't let himself cry this time, instead opting to think of things that calmed him. He tried to focus on anything else, stuffed animals, colouring, Mr.Dun's hand in his, thumb continuously stroking at his skin non-stop. The panic subsided after a few moments and he felt drained and exhausted.

He sighed and hid his face behind his hands. "I-I can't do anything right."

Mr.Dun was quick to disagree. "That's not true, you're a great student. All the teachers speak so highly of you! Including me, everyone here really believes in you."

He shook his head, sniffling. "Not just that, my family is always disappointed in me. My friends are mad at me, i've already let down the basketball team. I've ruined everything."
Tyler refused to cry anymore and instead opted for ducking his head down, eye contact was difficult to maintain especially since he'd decided to talk about what was bothering him so deeply.

"Listen, Im not great with words and i'm not going to try and empathize with you because I don't know exactly what you're going through." He said. Tyler didn't know wether to look at him or not, so he didn't, he was definitely listening though. "There's nothing I can say that'll make this better. I don't know what you need to hear at the moment. But I will let you know that you haven't ruined everything."

"Friendships break apart all the time, silly arguments are normal. It can be fixed. I'm sure your friends are the type to forgive." He sighed, a small smile on his lips. Not a happy one by far but still a smile. "And well- families, well that can be such a messy thing. But I trust that you'll figure it out alright?"

Tyler nodded, feeling himself unable to talk. Everything being said made perfect sense though, Mr.Dun was right.

"Are you okay?"

He shrugged.

"Do you want to listen to music?" Mr.Dun asked, starting to stand up only to have Tyler grab onto his hand again. He instantly regretted it, grabbing him was definitely pushing a boundary but Mr.Dun simply pursed his lips and sat back down with the faintest smile. "Yeah okay, I can just sit with you. I'll play something off my phone?"

Tyler watched as he pulled out his phone with his left hand, awkwardly fumbling to type in his passcode because his right hand was busy holding Tyler's and Mr.Dun has clearly been quick to understand that Tyler wasn't planning on letting go anytime soon.

The song that started playing was soft and Tyler felt himself instantly relax more, taking a deep breath.

"Is there anything else that I can do for you?"

Tyler wanted to ask to go get his colouring book because all he wanted right now was to fall into little space. Forget about everything and focus on something else. The internal struggle to suck on his thumb was there too. And he knew this was bad, a terrible idea to let himself age regress while he was in such a delicate state. Not to mention to age regress in-front of Mr.Dun but for some reason he felt all too comfortable as he had already allowed himself to become non-verbal over the past few minutes.

So he let it happen. He allowed his mind to go elsewhere and let all his anxiety melt along with it.

He nodded his head and was so glad that no questions were coming up about why he wasn't talking. Mr.Dun simply understood without a word.

"What is it?"

Tyler pointed to a pad of paper and a red pen that lay on his desk albeit being terrified of the reaction that he would ensue.

All though, no bad reaction came. "Oh, I'll have to get up though. Is that okay?" He said as he started shifting out of his respective arm chair.

Reluctantly Tyler let go of his hand and watched with wide eyes as Mr.Dun, not only grabbed the pad of papers but instead of the pen he searched through his desk and brought back some colourful markers. It was like he knew.

And Tyler almost wanted to point at that pen again to prove that he didn't want crayola markers. He didn't want to just scribble nonsense all over the page. But he didn't, he just blinked as Mr.Dun set the markers beside him and the pad of paper on his lap.

"Thats alright yes?"

More than alright. Is what he wanted to say, this was freaking amazing. He ended up just smiling shyly and slowly grabbing a blue marker.

"Huh." He said in what sounded like amazement as he watched Tyler, who had in-fact now completely emerged himself into his younger head space.

Tyler begun just drawing shapes, sticking his tongue out in concentration as he did so. He felt so weird, light headed, and very confused about Mr.Dun or as the plaque on his desk said Joshua Dun. He had practically encouraged him to begin colouring, or atleast that's what Tyler hoped had just happened. He really wanted encouragement right now, especially when it came to things like this.

For 10 minutes he just scribbled as Mr.Dun hummed along to his music of choice. It was nice, he felt completely relaxed now, completely focused on something else. He was barely aware that he was at school anymore, he felt safe and comfortable. This is what he wanted to feel like all the time, it was so so nice.

"Tyler can I ask you something?"

And Tyler froze. Was he in trouble? He was so sure he was being good? He glanced at him nervously, Mr.Dun seemingly read his body language and facial expression immediately. Because he shook his head and said. "It's nothing bad, I promise you."

Tyler wasn't so sure about that but he smiled at him, nodded and then went straight back to drawing.

"It may be personal though." He said next which struck Tyler because what type of personal question would he be asking that wasn't bad. When we're personal questions ever good? That immediately aged him up a bit, he could feel himself being pulled back into reality and he hated it. He gave him another look, so unsure about the whole situation and he could see as Mr.Dun was trying to think of a way to formulate his question.

"Please don't take this in the wrong way." He sighed, looking at him sympathetically and Tyler knew what the question was going to be before he ever asked it. "Do you age regress Tyler?"

Tyler dropped the marker he was holding, eyes widening hugely at his teacher who was completely red in the face.

And just like that Tyler felt all the air in his lungs escape him. His whole world shattering instantly before him. A secret he had tried so desperately to keep from everyone, a secret he resented so much and the person to figure it out was non other than his crush who was of course also his teacher, which naturally made it so much worse. In a moment of seconds he felt multiple emotions, relief, shame, fear, embarrassment. This was one of his worst fears and he felt sick and disgusting. There was no way to avoid it, Mr.Dun must've been able to tell that he was right just by his reaction.

He didn't dare look at him as he started crying once again, nobody except for Ashley, Dallon and Brendon were supposed to know or find out. But he knew, he was fully aware of the worst part of him now and Tyler could bare it. He'd rather have died before Mr.Dun knew about this.  It was all his fault too, he hadn't been trying particularly hard to be his normal self around his teacher.

"No, hey. Please don't cry." Mr.Dun said softly, immediately getting up and crouching down in front of him. "I'm not trying to make fun of you or anything like that sweetie." He said in reassurance as he intertwined their fingers together again. Tyler cried harder, wiping at his eyes in shame.

"D-did s-someone tell you?" He managed between his sobs.

He shook his head. "No."

"You-You can't tell- Any-one." He cried, choking out his breaths.

"I would never, calm down, you're safe okay? Deep breaths. I'm sorry I asked like that, I should've thought it through more." His mind couldn't fathom what was being said. Was Mr.Dun seriously okay with this?

Tyler wanted to run, far far away. This wasn't right, this was terrible and everything had gone wrong. Except he couldn't will himself to move more than an inch away from his teacher.

"We can talk about this more when you're in a clearer headspace alright?" He said.

"I-Can't." He sniffled, shaking his head. "Can't-Talk about i-It."

He didn't want to talk about it, him knowing was embarrassing enough. Tyler didn't need to further his embrassement anymore by actively talking about.

"How?" He asked quietly, he couldn't stop stuttering. It had become nearby impossible to keep a smooth line of word flow.  "If n-no one- told you. How?"

He sighed, looking at him warmly. He was quiet for a few seconds before sighing again. "My last relationship. You just reminded me a lot of them, mannerisms and stuff. Small things."

"Oh."

"I wasn't sure and I figured that if you confirmed it, I could help you."

"Help me?" He repeated, his voice shaking nearly as hard as his hands. The crying had stopped.

Mr.Dun shrugged as he stood up, untangling his hand from Tyler's despite his reluctance. "God, this is so unprofessional." He groaned.

"But I'll say it anyways." Tyler frowned and wiped at his eyes with the palms of his hands.

"I have some experience with caregiving to those who age regress and I just wanted to let you know that in terms of school and safe places to be little, not that all people who age regress go into little space. But just know that you can always come to me." Mr.Dun said. "Even if you need someone to talk to about it."

Tyler had experienced a lot of things since the beginning of the school year but shock hadn't been one of them. He was speechless, the whole reason he had asked was because he wanted to help him. Not because he wanted to attack him for being different or coping differently.

"Y-you want to be my caregiver?" He asked in slight confusion. He wasn't sure what Mr.Dun was trying to get at here.

Mr.Dun's cheeks went pink and he went silent as he crossed his arms in thought. "I guess, yeah, that's sort of what i'm saying."

Tyler couldn't believe it. This was way too good to be true. He stared at him with furrowed eyebrows and tried to read his facial expression as best as he could and all he could understand was that he really meant it. He truly meant it, maybe that was just Tyler being hopeful though. It was a bad idea, a really stupid idea but without question he already knew he'd agree because anytime spent with Mr.Dun was good to him.

"Why?" He asked.

"I, honestly don't know." Mr.Dun said.

"Relationships with teachers are illegal."

"It wouldn't be that type of relationship, I wouldn't be your boyfriend."

"Oh." He tried not to sound upset, clearly that didn't work.

"You sound disappointed." He pointed out, a smug smile on his lips which Tyler knew implied that maybe he wouldn't be his boyfriend but he might want to. He definitely wouldn't bring that up though.

"I just don't understand what you're offering." He said instead.

"I want to care for you while you're in little space in and out of school. My office will always be free for you to stay in if you need to. I'll give you my address, my phone number. I feel like you deserve a safer space to regress in."

Tyler giggled, laughing for the first time all day. "That sounds like a business proposal."

"Yeah, maybe a little."

"Do I need to sign something?"

"Is that a yes?" He asked, clearly trying not to smile.

"Uh-huh." Tyler nodded without thinking, it was easier not to think. "I have a colouring book in my bag can I go get it?" There was no way he was going back to class now.

Mr.Dun smiled. "There's still a few things I think we should talk about, but yes go get your colouring book, love."

IDK WTF JUST HAPPENED,

how wild.

IDK HOW I FEEl ABOut THIS BUT HERE IT IS, next chapter is a continuation.