Here is another picture of a curtain:

The Author had given up on finding excuses to start her chapters with pictures of curtains. She's seriously considering renaming this arc to the Curtain Arc, because wouldn't you rather read about curtains than seppuku? But since she wrote it here, she wouldn't be able to change it anymore, because if she did, what she just wrote wouldn't make sense anymore.

"What is this? A curtainfic? Who'd want to read about some random curtain?!" Hijikata screamed at the text above. "Stop stalling and start the chapter already!"

"I would read it!" Kondo looked into the camera with earnest eyes. "If the whole arc could be about curtains instead of seppuku, then none of... none of that would have to happen." He stared at the thick bandages wrapped around Sougo's left hand and winced. "Then... then you wouldn't have to..."

"Hey, there's no way I could have gotten out of that without a scratch." Sougo smiled and shrugged. "I don't know how they'd even let a killer like me out onto the streets. Gotta thank my plot armor~"

Sougo sat cross-legged in an office before Kondo and Hijikata. He dressed in his civilian clothes: a plain gray kimono with olive green... er... baggy samurai pants. His uniform was folded neatly in front of him and his police badge sat on top.

"Those arcs were so long, I thought they'd never end," said Kondo, looking tired. "I'm just glad we can bring the curtains down on them and finally move on to more Gintama-ish stuff."

Curtains...

Hijikata's brows twitched. "Can we stop talking about curtains? What's with the Author and curtains? Does she have a curtain kink or something?!!"

"Hijikata-san~, how can you not like curtains?" Sougo smirked. "You can do so much with them~."

Hijikata twisted his mouth in disbelief and gave Sougo an irritated glare.

"It all kinda went by like a blur, didn't it?" said Kondo, looking a bit shell-shocked. "All the fighting... and people dying... what was it all for?"

"Koalas really like serious arcs," said Sougo with a shrug. "We're still gonna have more of them later on. I mean, the whole point of all that was to get me kicked out of the Shinsengumi and bring some villains into the story. It's just the curtain raiser for what's to come."

Curtains...

A vein popped on Hijikata's forehead. "Seriously... Stop it."

"But that last chapter..." It made Kondo's stomach twist just to remember it. "I really thought it was curtains for you."

Curtains...!!!

"Say curtain one more time and I'll...." A killing aura came from Hijikata.

"Kondo-san~, I told you I wouldn't die from that." Sougo gave a grin. "But it's weird those Melissans just let it go after they did that. It's like some writing guide told the koala not to wallow in it, so she pulled a curtain over everything to cover it up."

CURTAINS!!!!!!!!

Hijikata shot up to his feet and drew his katana, threatening to slash it at Sougo. "DIE!!!! Just die!!"

"Now now, Toshi." Kondo held him back as he struggled. "That's not the way to see someone off."

"Must. Kill. That. Sadist... Must. Kill..."

Hijikata took five deep breaths and managed to calm himself. He sat back down, but dark fumes still gathered around him. He was already regretting what he did at the Melissan Embassy. He threw away all his pride and made a fool of himself for this?! 

He buried his face into his palms. "What was I thinking?"

Kondo gave Hijikata a pat in the back to comfort him. 

Sougo sat in the center of the room, surrounded by the papery walls. He slouched with his injured hand resting on his lap and his long bangs hanging over his eyes. The sounds of the Shinsengumi Headquarters felt so familiar to his ears— the clack of wooden swords in the training hall, the snickering of some officers reading porn in the closet next door, someone taking a piss outside on the wall. Strange, he lived here for five years and never thought much of it. The next time he'd come here, this wouldn't be his home anymore.

Sougo pulled himself to his feet, only feeling numb. "I guess I should go now."

"But it's not goodbye, remember that!" Kondo fixed his firm gaze on Sougo. "You're coming back as soon as everything clears up. We're not gonna find a new First Captain, 'cause you're coming back! Totsan said that in front of everyone so it's a promise."

Sougo's bangs hid his eyes, but the corners of his lips curled up just a little.

"Did anyone in my squad quit yet?"

Kondo looked up at him, confused. "No?"

"Then it worked." Sougo turned and made his way to the door, leaving behind his uniform and his license to kill.

"Sougo..." Kondo stared at Sougo's back with brows furrowed in worry. He had wanted to believe that it was really a promise.

Sougo paused at the doorway. Rays of light shined from outside and he stood basking in the warm glow.

"This must be what they call closing the curtains on a chapter of your life~."

At that word, Hijikata's face twisted bright red and smoke erupted from his ears like a choo-choo train. "Ahfsdnovnsrgifjwroinsvfsdnovnsrgifjwroindsv!!!!"

He started slashing his sword all over the place like a crazy person. Even Kondo couldn't stop him from going berserk.

***

Flashback: A few days ago, Planet Melissa

The curtains blew from a gust of chilly wind.

A man stood on the windowsill, silhouetted by the night sky. He wore a cloak over his vest and trousers, all black to hide the blood that drenched his clothes, and the paper bag over his head had two holes gouged out for eyes.

The Paperbag Man stood by the window, silent and still, patient like Death.

"Guards!" a man called out from the other side of the room.

"Please don't call more guards here," said the Paperbag Man in a gentle voice. "I heard the Melissan Space Patrol already has a shortage in soldiers."

He reached into his cloak and pulled out a pile of bloodstained Beam Sabers. They clattered onto the floor, stringed together along a rope.

"You guys probably recycle your Beam Sabers, so I gathered them up to save you some work."

The Paperbag Man stepped onto the floor with his black leather shoes and strolled across the room. The Admiral's office in the Space Patrol Headquarters was spacious and sparsely populated with curtains. Yes, curtains made from every kind of fabric imaginable. They hanged from the walls in an array of colors and patterns, making the room look more like a curtain museum than someone's workplace.

"What do you want?" The Melissan Admiral sat on his large oak desk. He was a pretty basic webcam, nothing fancy, but equipped with mic and speakers.

"Don't worry, I would rather not hurt anyone." The katana clacked at Paperbag's waist as he stopped right in front of the desk. "I'm only here to ask a small favor from you that would mean everything to me."

The Admiral stared back with his cold hard lens, unwavering as the Paperbag Man loomed over him. "I don't care how things work on your planet, but your violence won't work here. You can take as many lives as you want, but nothing can bend the Laws of the Universe."

"You misunderstand, Admiral." The Paperbag Man reached into his pocket and took out a glass vial. He placed it on the desk with a clack. "I'm here to make an offer you can't refuse."

The vial was small enough to fit into the palm of his hand. A bright red liquid glowed translucent inside.

"An offer I can't refuse, my ass," said the Admiral. "You're not the mafia, I presume, and I don't feel threatened."

The Paperbag Man gave a soft chuckle. "I have what you want and you have what I want. Wouldn't you rather make a new friend than gain a new enemy?"

The Admiral stared without blinking, his glassy lens reflecting the crimson liquid. "Who are you?"

The Paperbag Man gave a polite bow.

"Just an Edo samurai."

End of flashback

***

The ashes floated like a shimmering silk curtain, coiling and twisting, surrounded by the stars.

Vespario stood in his spaceship, his Vice-Captain by his side. It was silent save for the humming of the engine. Only a wall of glass separated him from the ghostly remains of his son.

He thought he was ready. Should have never given him that kind of responsibility. But still Vespario watched, not a single crack on his stony mask.

Alpacasio stood next to him with his face almost touching the glass. He never looked away and never blinked. His eyes were dry and red. His tears had already run out.

Whenever they were together, when Alpacasio wasn't out having fun and Hambertio wasn't out at work, Alpacasio would go wherever Hambertio went and do whatever Hambertio did like an annoying little brother.

The artificial lights flickered in the dim room. Alpacasio stood alone before the vast expanse of space, looking like a lost child.

Hambertio's ashes drifted away towards the stars, becoming thinner and thinner. It vanished into the darkness of the void until nothing remained... Nothing but memories to prove that he once existed.

Vespario lowered his head so that the rim of his fedora hat hid his eyes.

"Ashes to ashes... Stardust to stardust..."

He turned around and left the room, boots clicking against the polished floor, his mantle flowing behind him like a curtain in the wind.

Cassero followed him out into the halls.

The hallway stretched long and narrow and fluorescent lights lined the gray walls.

Vespario stopped in the middle of the hallway and just stood there alone under the cold light.

Cassero watched by the doorway. "Curtain— I mean Captain."

Vespario raised his head back but didn't turn around.

"The Land of the Samurai. Why did we come here?"

"Because the Admiral told us to—"

"But why did we come here...?" Vespario's voice wavered at the end.

"Because the Admiral told us to." Cassero repeated.

Vespario didn't wait for the answer he was searching for, just kept walking. He walked down the hallway with brisk steps. A golden-balled Melissan was only allowed to cry when the curtains were closed.

Cassero watched his Captain disappear around the corner.  His lips curled up and he let out a snicker. He was the one who gave that piece of ham information to prepare the report. He was the one he demanded advice from when it all failed.

This was supposed to be a low-stakes assignment. The Justaways lost in the fire were only a drop of water compared to oceans of weapons the Galactic Empire used in their war against the Rebel Alliance. If it weren't for Hambertio's death, this incident wouldn't have been a big deal.

That boy, I've underestimated his stupidity, Cassero thought with a shake of his head. All he had to do is make a mess of everything so his "wise" father could see how unsuitable he is for becoming captain, but he went ahead and got himself killed. 

He glanced back into the room where Alcapasio stood. The young Melissan remained facing the glass, staring out into space. With his brother gone, he was next in line to inherit the position of Captain. He wasn't that much brighter than his brother.

Cassero glanced down at his palms wondering how much more blood he needed to spill. He couldn't let an idiot become Captain of the 44th Fleet when it was he who led them through all their battles. If only he had golden balls, there would be nothing in his way.

***

Yamazaki laid in a c̶u̶r̶t̶a̶i̶n̶  certain dumpster in some isolated alley, gagged and tied with duct tape. The back of his head still throbbedwhere Kannensai had hit him. Kannensai... how could he betray their Gorilla Commander after all he did for them? 

Everything was quiet. Yamazaki didn't know what was happening outside. He didn't know if the Shinsengumi were okay. They had to be. Everything always turned out alright.

"Mmpmmpfff..." he tried to call for help, but the tape over his mouth muffled his voice.

He stared into the darkness. A brown liquid dripped down the rusted metal walls, garbage bags squished underneath him, and the nauseating stench of rotten food filled his nose with every breath.

Tears welled up in his eyes.

The Shinsengumi would come and get him out, he told himself. They must be looking everywhere for him right now.

The Vice-Commander would ask for his report. He had to tell them about Kannensai and warn them about the Melissans.

Captain Okita would probably be the first to find him and rescue him from here.

He decided that when he counted to ten the lid would open and he would see his sadistic First Captain staring down at the sorry state he was in. He'd hear the click of his phone camera and his mean snicker. Right now, even that was something he wanted to hear.

He closed his eyes and counted to ten. One... Two... Three... Eight... Six... Four... Seven... Five... Nine... Ten...

When he opened his eyes, only darkness stared back. He saw only empty space where the First Captain should have been. He heard only silence.

Curtains of tears flowed down his face.

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TT TT

***

Challenge: Find all the curtains!

Next time: The Shipping Tournament begins! We have Sougo x Kagura, Gintoki x Tama, Hijikata x his new girlfriend, Madao x ????, and more!!