It was a slow afternoon at the Odd Jobs office, but unlike the usual scene composition, Gintoki wasn't at his desk, Kagura wasn't on the couch and Shinpachi wasn't doing chores. The three of them stood in a circle, staring down at a hoola-hoop on the floor, waiting in complete silence with serious looks on their faces.

"The portal's gonna open any time now." Gintoki glanced to the clock on the wall. "Watch closely. You might not see something like this again for the rest of your life."

"But they're late, yes?" said Kagura as she picked her nose. "You sure they got the right address?"

"It's their first time visiting Gintama. They must be shy." Gintoki shrugged. "It's like your first day at a new school. You know how hard it is to step into that classroom, have everyone's eyes on you and worry if you made a good first impression? All those Gintama fans reading this right now will judge them by that first impression. It must so much pressure that they don't want to come out."

Shinpachi stared at the hoola-hoop with brows furrowed in doubt. "Are you sure Hetalia characters could just, um, pop out from there? How does that even work? I mean how can Japan be in the Odd Jobs office if the Odd Jobs office is in Japan?"

Before anyone could answer, the floor inside the hoop became all swirly like water going down the drain.

"Oi! They're coming! They're coming!"

Kagura cocked her umbrella pistol with the nozzle pointed at the portal. Gintoki rested his hand on the hilt of his wooden sword.

"What are you doing?!! They're our guests!!" Shinpachi screamed at them.

The tip of someone's uniform rose out from the portal, red with gold trim. Kagura and Gintoki held their weapons ready.

The portal closed and the floor became solid again. A pile of clothes laid on the floor. One of them was a wine red jacket embroidered with gold. The second was a plain olive green military uniform with a black tie. The last one was a red cheongsam that looked like it came from Kagura's wardrobe.

The Yorozuya trio stared at the clothes, frozen in horror.

Sweat dripped down Gintoki's face as he stammered. "W-W-What... Only their clothes made it here?! Where the hell are their bodies?!! Did the teleportation go wrong?!"

"Look, Gin-san." Shinpachi squatted down and picked up an envelope from underneath the pile of clothes. "Maybe the letter would tell us what happened."

He opened it and read it. Blue lines appeared over his forehead.

We're too busy. Here are some clothes. That's all you need for a Hetalia Crossover. – United Nations

"I guess we'll have to be Hetalia characters now," said Gintoki with a shrug.

He picked out the fancy jacket and put it on. It came with a bright red cape that was useful for making bulls angry.

Kagura put on her own costume— a red cheongsam. "Gin-chan! How do I look?"

It looked almost the same as her usual clothes, except the sleeves were longer and wider such that it draped over her hands.

Shinpachi stared at the remaining uniform. It was the plain-looking uniform of the United Kingdom, but he seemed relieved.

"At least I don't have to be a character whose defining trait is his glasses anymore."

He put on the uniform. As soon as he removed his glasses, thick eyebrows popped up above his eyes.

Kagura turned to Shinpachi in amazement. "The Glasses turned into Eyebrows, ahen!"

British Shinpachi clutched his face in frustration. "Gahhhh! Just let me wear my glasses!"

He put his glasses back on.

Kagura and Gintoki both stared at him.

"Harry Potter!!!"

***

Episode 1: Pasta~

It was a calm evening at the Shouka Sonjuku, Shouyou-sensei's school at the edge of a village. Smoke came from the chimney of the straw-thatched cottage and rose to the night sky.

The young Takasugi peeked out from the kitchen doorway, watching his teacher cook dinner. He wore South Italy's beige military uniform and a tomato on his head.

Shouyou stood at the coal stove, stirring a pot of boiling water with clouds of steam coming out. He dressed in his usual long robes which were similar to what men wore in Ancient China.

Takasugi walked over with his head tilted in curiosity. "Shouyou-sensei, what are you making?"

Shouyou turned around and gave a warm smile. "Noodles, my little samurai."

Takasugi stared at the long white strands floating in the water. "Why are noodles so long?"

Shouyou paused before speaking with his calm sagely voice. "That's because strings of dough can be cooked faster than lumps of dough due to the larger surface area. It also tastes better."

Takasugi nodded slowly, feeling enlightened by his wise words.

***

As the years passed by, Takasugi never forgot those precious lessons, even as he saw his teacher led away in ropes, even as the Amanto brought an end to the way of life he knew.

The dark clouds hanged low over the war-torn land and the wind blew against the ragged flags of fallen samurai. The Joui F4 had set up camp in an area sheltered by boulders. They cooked their lunches over a campfire.

Takasugi boiled a pot of water over the flames, stirring the noodles inside.

Gintoki came and squatted by the fire, dressed in his Spain costume. "Oi oi, don't cooked it so long. It's getting soggy."

"Soggy? It's still raw!"

Gintoki glanced back at a curly-haired guy dressed in North Italy's blue military uniform. "Oi, Sakamoto, you know how to cook? Tell him it's soggy. It'll be two against one."

Sakamoto made his way beside them and looked over the rim of the pot, rubbing his chin in thought. "It's not soggy, but it's not raw either. It needs a tomato."

He spotted one on Takasugi's head and added it into the boiled water.

Takasugi stared at the tomato in the pot and his face started twitching. "M-My costume! That's a part of my Hetalia costume!!"

Sakamoto only laughed it off.

With a sparkly cloud of anime magic, the tomato boiling in the water transformed into tomato sauce covering a plate of noodles.

The three wannabe-chefs leaned over their new creation.

"What is this dish?" said Takasugi with furrowed brows. "Looks like something only those Amanto bastards would eat."

Sakamoto took the first taste. He picked up a sauce-covered noodle with his chopsticks. As soon as the food entered his mouth, his eyes became watery and started sparkling.

The flavor of tomato sauce melting in his mouth was so beautiful that it gave him visions of the future, of peace after all the violence, of humans and Amanto no longer enemies and people watching a taiga drama* about how great he was to have brought that peace.

[* a ~50 episode jdrama that airs every year about different historical people. The one from 2010 called Ryomaden was about how great he was]

His body became wavy like a noodle. "Pasta~"

"Pasta? What the hell is that?" Gintoki poked at the plate of noodles with his chopsticks in scrutiny. "Is it that good?"

He picked up a bunch of noodles, rolled it around his chopsticks like a fork and stuffed all of it into his mouth.

His eyes narrowed into an expression of pleasure that looked something like this:

= ω =

A vision appeared before him of Sorachi-sensei picking his nose.

"Pasta~" He joined Sakamoto and became wavy.

"What's wrong with all of you? They're just noodles!" Takasugi yelled at both of them in disbelief.

He shook his head at their immaturity and picked some up just to prove that it was nothing special. The chopsticks entered his mouth and he froze. He sat there, his heart thumping in his ears.

Badump...

Badump...

And he fell back, laying on the ground staring up at the gray sky. He could hear the distant sounds of battle in his ears, but it all became clear to him now. He saw victory against his enemies, the fall of the government controlled by Amanto... and Shouyou-sensei's smile.

"Pasta~~!!!"

The three of them fought over the pasta. "Can you give me some? Give me! Give me some!"

Gintoki glanced back to see Zura at the side like a wallflower in a party, leaning arms-crossed against a boulder with a bored look on his face. He dressed in a brown suede US pilot jacket with a wool collar.

"Oi, Zura! You gotta try this! It makes you see some weird stuff."

"Never! My Grandma always told me to just say no!"

Gintoki turned to the camera with a look of serious concern. "Oi, Author-san, did you do before you wrote this? You sure you're in the right state of mind? It's turning into Alice in Wonderland*."

[* There's a rumor that Lewis Carroll wrote Alice in Wonderland while taking hallucinatory drugs because it was so weird. This is probably not true, because the chess references in the story can only be written by someone with a clear mind, albeit an eccentric one.]

A koala's face filled the scene franticly waving her arms trying to cover up the misunderstanding. "It's just like how that food critic got a flashback of the past after eating ratatouille. You guys got a flashback of the future cuz pasta is that good!"

Zura furrowed his brows in disapproval. "The only noodles a samurai should eat are soba noodles. I'll never eat this Amanto fo—"

Gintoki stuffed some pasta into Zura's mouth.

Zura let out a muffled cry with eyes wide in surprise. Tears welled up and overflowed, streaming down his cheeks. He saw the storm clouds dissipating and the sun rising over the land, its rays spreading out across the sky. He saw his country strong enough to not have to bow down to the Amanto. Instead the Amanto were bowing down worshiping Hello Kitty.

He started rapping. "Can U give me some? Give me give me some yea!"

And they all did... um... the wavy noodle dance.

"Pasta~~"

[Popular legend has it that Marco Polo introduced pasta to Italy following his exploration of China in the late 13th century. It later spread throughout Europe and was brought over to America by settlers]

***

Episode 2: Operation Barbarossa

Afternoon at the Shinsengumi Headquarters: everyone had gone out on patrol and all was quiet. Hijikata snuck around the corner of the Headquarters where everyone's rooms were located. He tiptoed down the wooden hallways like he was up to no good.

Hijikata dressed in an olive green German uniform with a military hat on his head. He clutched a mayo bottle tight in his hand.

"Mayo-chan," he spoke to his mayo bottle. "You say it's wrong to go into someone's room without permission. That might be true for everyone else, but not that sadistic bastard."

He stopped outside the doors of Sougo's room and slid it open.

Sougo's room was like it had always been: a tatami mat on the floor, a bookshelf at one corner and a wardrobe at the other.

"His Death Note might be hidden somewhere in here." He shuddered at the thought of Sougo winning the Tournament and becoming main character."We gotta steal it. Can't let him win."

Before he could step inside, his mayo bottle spoke to him again.

"What's wrong?" He glanced down at Mayo-chan. "You want to wait a bit 'til we're more prepared? We don't have time to wait."

Special chapters like this one were like the Gintama Porori-hen, a slip arc containing filler episodes where everything was exactly how it used to be, unaffected by the changes of the main story.

"If we wait until some other chapter, he won't be around anymore. His room would be cleaned out and who knows where his Death Note would be. This is our chance, Mayo-chan."  

He stepped into Sougo's room and looked around for a place Sougo could have hidden it.

He opened the wardrobe and looked inside at the stack of folded Shinsengumi uniforms and a few jackets hanging on the hangers. Only clothes... or so it seemed on the surface.

Hijikata put on the black gloves that came with his costume before rummaging through Sougo's clothes. He didn't want to get infected by this biohazardous material.

Hijikata paused in the middle of his search.

"Good point, Mayo-chan. What better way to hide a book than in plain sight with other books."

He put aside his search of the wardrobe and went over to the bookshelf. He scanned through the book spines and stopped at a thin black leather book hidden between two large thick ones. A triumphant grin stretched across his face. This might be it.

He tried to take it out, but it got stuck halfway as if attached to something.

"Huh?" He furrowed his brows in confusion.

With a low rumble, the bookshelf started moving by itself. Hijikata jolted in surprise.

The bookshelf slid to the side to reveal the entrance of a hidden chamber.

Hijikata stared at it with a calm serious look. It didn't surprise him that the evil First Squad Captain would have a secret chamber somewhere. He expected it.

"What do you say, Mayo-chan? Let's see what else that bastard is hiding."

Hijikata stepped into the cold dark cavity in the wall. It was a small space, barely enough room to stretch out his arms, and it wasn't just chilly. It was freezing. Colder than stepping outside in the winter. A layer of ice covered the cement walls. His breath formed white clouds.

The chamber was empty. Nothing to see and he didn't want to stay any longer. He was already shivering. He turned around.

The bookshelf slid shut before he could reach it. The last of the light shined through a narrowing crack before everything became black.

Hijikata stood in the darkness, frozen with his face twisted in shock, before he freaked out.

"What the hell?! Let me out! Let me out you damn bastard!!!"

He pounded at the back of the bookshelf but no response. He threw his weight against it, but it didn't budge. He tried prying it open, but it didn't work. The bookshelf looked like it was made of wood, but felt as heavy as a slab of rock.

Hijikata drew his katana. Wood or stone, there was nothing a sword couldn't cut through in anime. A samurai could always depend on his sword.

Hijikata slashed across the bookshelf with all his strength.

His blade snapped in half... and the bookshelf didn't even have a scratch.

Hijikata's jaw fell open and blue lines hanged over his forehead.

"What is this?! Wood from a ten-thousand year old tree? Is that why it doesn't break? How did that sadist get a bookcase made from the same thing as that sugar-freak's wooden sword, dammit?!"

A shiver ran down Hijikata's back. His fingertips were already feeling numb from the cold.

"We'll get out of here. Don't worry, Mayo-chan. I'll get us out... somehow..."

He curled up in a corner, clutching his mayo-bottle tight against his chest.

He took out his mayo-bottle lighter from his pocket and flicked it with shaky hands, once, twice, again and again before a flame came out.

The tiny flame wavered in the cold air, barely keeping him warm. He stared into the light, trying to think warm thoughts of tropical beaches and summer.

In the orange flame, he saw an image of himself warming up by a furnace. It was his younger self, back in Bushu when his hair was still long and tied in a ponytail. And he wasn't alone. Kondo joined him, grinning the same friendly grin that never changed. Sougo was there too, being an irritating brat. And Mitsuba.

The Little Match Girl dreamt of warmer, happier days and it didn't feel quite so cold anymore, even when the last flame flickered and died.

He didn't know how long he'd been stuck in that freezing hellhole before the bookshelf finally slid open again.

Sougo stood at the entrance, wearing Russia's tan longcoat and a beige scarf around his neck.

Hijikata tipped over and laid face-first on the floor, frozen solid.

Sougo looked down at Hijikata, his eyes glowing red in the night. A sadistic smile stretched across his face.

[During World War II, the Germans tried to invade Russia but failed. One reason was that they weren't prepared for severe cold weather of the Russian Winter]

***

Episode 3: Belarus x Russia

Sougo strolled down a path through the park whistling a cheerful tune. He was in a good mood after what happened in the previous episode. The Russian national anthem, like most national anthems, was pretty catchy.

A bush on the side of the path started rustling as he walked by. He ignored it and continued his way. The bush started following him, scurrying with quick steps behind his back.

Sougo stopped in his tracks. He spun around. The bush sat innocently in the middle of the path not moving.

Sougo shrugged and kept walking.

The bush, who had hoped Sougo would give it more attention, couldn't wait any longer. A ninja disguised as a bush stood up to reveal that she was a young woman with long straight purple hair, dressed in the frilly black and white dress that Belarus wore.

Since Belarus didn't wear glasses, Sacchan wasn't wearing her glasses.

"Gin-san~~~!!! Become one with me~~!!" She held out her arms and threw herself at Sougo.

Sougo stepped to the side with an innocent look on his face and Sacchan fell face-first on the gravel.

He glared down at her and the corners of his lips curled up in sadistic amusement.

"Wrong person. I'm not Boss Spain."

  He shrugged and walked away.  

***

The sky became grayish purple at dusk as the day came to an end. Sougo sat at the edge of a hospital bed with fresh bandages wrapped around his shoulder.

Earlier that day, he had been attacked on the streets by a gang of Joui rebels and dealt with them swiftly. Even so, one of them still managed to give him a cut.

He didn't know how the word got to his sister, but she came rushing over all the way from Bushu as if he was mortally wounded or something, even though it was just a scratch.

Mitsuba sat beside him, dressed in a white blouse and denim overalls with a hairband in her short hair just like Russia's older sister Ukraine.

She stared at the bandages with brows furrowed in concern. "You need to be more careful, Sou-chan. You don't have to force yourself if it's dangerous. Is the work becoming too stressful? Are you getting enough rest?"

Sougo gave her a childlike smile. "I don't really get to sleep all day when I'm on duty, but everyone's really helpful since I'm the youngest so when the work is hard, they help me a lot."

Mitsuba smiled in relief. "I'm glad to hear that."

Suddenly, she coughed into her sleeve, a light cough.

"Sis?"

"I'm fine. I'm fine." She waved it off. "I've just been having a bit of a cough, but it's nothing bad. Have you been eating all your supplements?"

"Every day, Sis."

"And are you adapting to this city life? You haven't had any problems, have you?"

"I haven't been sick at all. You should worry about yourself more."

Before she could reply, someone started banging on the door of the hospital room and trying to turn the doorknob but it was locked.

Sacchan's voice came from outside the door. "Gin-san! Gin-san! Come on, let's become one!! You know you want to! Why do you have to be such a jerk all the time?!"

Then came the sound of nails scratching on wood when no one answered.

"Open this damn door right this instant! You and I are going to get together whether you like it or not! Let me iiiiiiiinnnnnnnnn...." Sacchan continued.

Mitsuba covered her mouth and chuckled. "What an energetic young lady. Is she the girlfriend you keep telling me about?"

"Nope, my girlfriend is way more energetic than her." Sougo stood up and took out his bazooka. He pointed it at the door.

"Gin-san, open up! Remove this door!" Sacchan screamed.

"Go home!!" He fired his bazooka with a deafening crash, blasting a gaping hole in the wall where the door used to be.

"Sou-chan!" Mitsuba chided him. "There could be patients sleeping next door. You shouldn't yell so loudly."

"I'm sorry, Sister. I'll be quieter next time."

Sacchan hanged upside-down from the hole in the wall, unhurt due to her ninja reflexes.

"Gin-san! That damn door that kept us apart is gone now XD," she squealed in delight as she swung around from where she hanged. "Now, Gin-san, marry me! Marry me! Marry me! Marry me! Marry me! Marry me! Marry me! Marry me! Marry me—"

Sougo fired at her again. This time, the blast sent her flying.

He stared at the wreckage with cold narrowed eyes and spoke in a low voice. "Go home."

The dust settled, but a few small flames still glowed at the edges of the hole.

He turned back to Mitsuba with round innocent eyes. "Was that quiet enough, Sister?"

"Yes, but you should always say 'please' when you ask someone to do something for you," said Mitsuba with a pleasant smile. "More people will listen to you if you're polite."

Sougo sat back down right next to her. "I understand now, Sister."

"That's my smart little brother." She ruffled Sougo's hair.

Sougo only grinned until his eyes squeezed shut.

The grandfather-clock at the corner of the room chimed six.

Mitsuba stood up. "I should get going now or I'll miss the train."

"But do you really have to leave?" Sougo looked up at her with pleading eyes. "Why don't you just stay here with everyone? You could live in the Shinsengumi Headquarters or if you don't want to, I'm sure Kondo-san could arrange a place—"

Mitsuba cupped her hands over Sougo's chubby cheeks and his lips puckered up like a goldfish. Her sunny grin filled his vision.

"I'm sorry, Sou-chan. I'm sure we can see each other again someday."

And with that, Mitsuba turned and left, fading away into the shadows like a ghostly apparition.

Sougo sat alone in the dim light. He stared at the empty hole in the wall with a numb expression on his face.

He didn't know how long it would be before he could see her again. Special chapters only happened once in a while and she might not even be in the next one. After the Hetalia Crossover was over, he'd have to return to a world where she was dead.

He reached up with trembling fingers and pressed his palm against his cheek... and he smiled at the lingering warmth of her touch.

[The image below describes Russia's relationships with two of its neighboring countries]

***

Next time: The Hetalia Crossover continues 'cause there are more episodes and this chapter already exceeded my word count