6/12/15

CALE'S LIPS MEET mine in a mess of toxic need.

We both know we shouldn't be doing this, but nothing can stop us at this point. A meteor could come crashing into my room and I still don't think I could force myself away from Cale. This man in every way is the most delicious poison I've ever had. I know drinking from him will end me, but my god is he tasty though.

His hands bring me in closer and I'm sure at this point that I'm a complete goner. I'm up steam without a paddle, I'm losing myself and fading completely into the man before me, and I don't care. I care about nothing but how I can have more of him, and more of him only.

Before the thought of more was enough to stop me from making this mistake even bigger. But now, now more taunts me. Teases me until all I can think is more, more, more. I need more. I crave more. I will die without more. How can I get more? How deep can I crawl under Cale's skin until I forget where I begin and he ends because all I can think of is more?

More of this perfect man who's imperfectly fit for me.

I lose all concept of where I am or what time it is or even who I am, because all I can focus on is Cale.

Before I know it my body is being pushed towards my desk, and suddenly lifted to sit atop of it. Cale's lips are rough against mine in a way that only he knows I like. I like a little touch of darkness with my kissing, and he knows it. No, he thrives on it. The taste of beer on him makes my head spin in a way I'm afraid I may pass out. He's taking my breath away, literally.

His hands are under my shirt teasing at the soft skin of my waist making me shiver. His fingers pulling at the hem of my tank until it's not enough. He needs more. His strong hands yank it over my head as if he's dying to get one look at what's underneath that flimsy fabric.

Cale's lips land on the skin of where my shoulder meets my neck, and I can't help but sigh. The slight scruff of his unshaven face grazes my skin driving me so crazy that my legs wrap around his body pulling him in closer. I need him closer. I need more. I need everything. I need him.

His teeth graze my skin until he bites down just hard enough to elicit a loud moan from my parted lips. My hands run through his hair and pull at that sensation. I've never been so turned on in my entire life, and if I don't get him right now I may die from the need.

The wet pad of his tongue traces up my neck until my hands land on his face and pull him up to meet my lips once more. But before he kisses me senseless again I trace my thumb over his lips as my eyes hold his. I watch as his eyes flicker down to my lips, and as he gently nips at my thumb causing me to bite my own lip in the process. His eyes are on mine and all over my face at the same time. His hazel eyes are everything as they go as dark as the sky is tonight. I knew something was different about tonight, and I was right. Though I never would've guessed this.

I run my thumb down his bottom lip one last time letting his wet heated breath coat my hand. I lower my hand to kiss him again when Cale utters three words I never expected to hear come from his mouth, ever.

"I love you."

And that's when the glass breaks, the elusion shatters, everything comes to a screeching halt, and the fuzz that once filled my head begins to fade.

My whole body jerks at Cale's words and my hands drop from his face. Tears well up in my eyes before I know it and my chest tightens. "Get out," I whisper.

Cale's eyes look at me with confusion as his hands come up to cup my face. "But Gray—"

I pull away violently from his warm hands, and slide off of the desk and away from the evil man in front of me. "You just had to ruin it didn't you?" I shout.

"Gray, come on don't be this way," Cale begs as he continues to keep getting closer to me. But I hold my hands up in refusal to let him invade my space again.

I shake my head. "Don't be what way Cale?" I ask throwing my hands into the air. "You're engaged to my sister and you tell me you love me!" I exclaim.

"But I do lo—"

"No!" I cut him off stopping him from saying those awful words again. "Fuck you," I say simply.

"Gray—" he starts one last time, but I don't let him finish. I can't.

I point to my bedroom door. "Get out," I tell him as tears threaten to spill over.

Cale takes a step towards me as his mouth opens one last time to speak, but I refuse to let him say anything more tonight.

"Get out now Cale!" I shout angrily as my skin heats with sadness and embarrassment as I realize I'm still just in my skimpy bra. I feel too naked, too bared to this man who isn't mine.

He casts one last look at me that I refuse to decipher so instead I throw my gaze to my feet. I hear his footsteps disappear before I hear the slamming of my bedroom door, and then I break.

My whole body slumps to the floor as the tears I've been keeping at bay finally fall from their holdings. I feel sixteen again, so small and young and inexperienced. I feel lost and without any direction. I feel alone. I feel so alone. I curl up into a ball on the ground and let my sobs wreck though my body quietly. I'm a mess, and I don't know how to fix it this time. I don't know how to fix anything.

The kiss was supposed to be nothing. No, less than nothing. But then Cale had to go and tell me he loved me! Words I dreamed of him telling me for years. Words that meant so much to me all those years ago. Words he never once said to me when I was sixteen and head over heals for him. But now that he's with my sister and beyond the definition of unattainable he says them to me, and I'm spinning uncontrollably down this drain of confusion. And I couldn't take it. I had to get him away from me.

How dare he says he loves me! He wouldn't know what love was if it hit him upside the head with a baseball bat. He is so jaded that I don't even know if he knows how to love. Because love isn't breaking my heart all those years ago, and now saying he loves me when he is with my sister.

God, my sister! I said I wouldn't hurt Bailey anymore and there I go and make out with her fiancé once again. I'm the worst sister in the world, and she doesn't know the half of it. She looks at me with her bright eyes like I'm this amazing woman, and I'm so far from. I'm so lost.

My hands pull through my hair, but now all I can picture are Cale's rough hands running through my locks and I want to scream. I want to run away and never come back here.

I grab the blanket out of the basket that I keep near my desk and drape it over of my body as I lay down against the cool wood floors that surround me. I continue to let tears drip down my face as I wrap my arms around my legs in a way to soothe myself.

I cry and cry and cry until I can't cry anymore, but I still find a way to.

Cale told me he loved me. Words I dreamed of, and prayed for.

He's just four years too late.

* * * * *

6/13/15

"Hey it's Hayley, sorry I'm not here but leave your name and number and I will call you back as soon as I can."

A frustrated sigh leaves my lips as I leave my tenth voicemail for Hayley. "Please call me back," I pause. "As you can tell it's probably urgent!" I say forcefully before hanging up.

I sit on the edge of my bed and try to not focus on last night's events. I chew on my nails as I force images of Cale out of my head. My skin crawls with a dread, and my heart hurts knowing what I've done to my sister once again. Officially making me the worst sister in the entire world.

I shoot Hayley about a million more texts, but of course she doesn't answer. I know she's probably busy, but I need her right now! I need to talk this though with her or I'm about to throw myself in front of a bus because I can't handle the guilt.

I throw on a sweatshirt and some sleep shorts after falling asleep in my clothes from last night. Well my clothes minus my shirt. Again my body flames in disappointment and anger at the events of last night.

I quickly pull a brush through my hair ignoring the small pinches of pain that run through my body at the swift movements, and head out my double doors that lead to the beach. I need some fresh air. I need the salty breeze of the air, and the sounds of waves crashing upon the shore. I need to clear my head because what's in my head may drive me up a wall.

I let the soft sand squish through my bare toes and walk aimlessly down the beach. It's early so not many people are out and about. But I'm just fine with that. I'm not in the mood to run into a million people I know and who will want to ask a ton of questions all about my love life or my sisters. And at this point I don't want to talk about either.

I've gone up the beach, and I'm far from my house now at this point when I spot someone sitting in the distance alone. As I walk closer I realize I know this someone, and they are just a little far from home.

"Chase?" I question as I make my way closer to the Hasting sitting in the sand.

His head turns in shock at seeing me before wiping at his face like he's been crying or something. "Is something wrong?" I ask as I rush over and sit down next to someone who's always been so vibrant and fun loving. And seeing him so down is confusing.

Chase's head is dipped and he refuses to look up at me or meet my gaze.

"Are you okay?" I ask quietly. But his head remains down, and his lips sealed.

I shift and get settled in the sand that now covers my bare legs. I face the ocean letting out a quiet sigh, and sit quietly for a while letting him know that it's okay. Letting him know that I'm here, and I'm not going anywhere.

"You don't have to say anything," I say softly. "But I'm going to talk because I messed up, and I need to talk it through with someone," I tell him as my fingers draw circles in the grains around me.

"What did you do?" Chase asks so quietly I almost didn't here him.

My eyebrows rise in shock at his words. I honestly thought I would be doing all the talking, but maybe just maybe he needs someone to talk it through with him also. So I continue on, because I may not know what's wrong with him. But I know he needs this, he needs someone. Anyone to just sit here with him, and not judge. Because I need the exact same.

I tuck a stray hair behind my ear as my heart aches. "I did something really bad. Something that will hurt someone I love very much," I say my voice cracking slightly at the end as I think of what I've really done to Bailey. What I've permanently done to our relationship.

"When did you do it?" Chase asks.

"Last night," I mumble.

"Why did you do it?" he questions.

His words hit me hard. Why did I let Cale manipulate me again? Why do I always fall for his trap? Why does he mess with my head the way he does? Why is he my weakness? Why, after all he's done to me do I still want him?

"I don't know..." I trail. "I got messed up in the head because I'm confused and because everyone keeps making comments about you and me dating and—"

"We aren't dating!" Chase cuts me off with an angry shout.

I jerk back at his harsh words with eyebrows raised in shock. Silence lingers in the air between us, and I try and find the right words to say. I'm not hurt, just surprised by the outburst. "Chase, I know that we aren't dating," I say slowly. What brought this reaction out of him? I've never acted as if I thought we were dating. He knows about Max for goodness sakes.

"We are just friends," he says as if he's trying to clarify it not only for himself, but for me also.

"I know that also Chase," I say as my face scrunches in confusion. I let out a small chuckle. "If I wasn't so secure in our friendship I would be hurt by that a little," I admit quietly hating how I feel at this moment. I lied. I do feel a tad insecure and small, and I don't like it one bit. "I mean I don't like you that way, but I still find you attractive and I know if I liked you that way I would be lucky to date someone like you," I rumble trying to make sense of my feelings.

"No, I'm sorry Grayson it's just that I know I should find you attractive—"

"But you don't," I finish for him with sagging shoulders. His words shouldn't upset me, but they do for some reason. It's not like I want to date Chase, but him not finding me attractive still stings more than it should. Cale already didn't deem me attractive enough to be with all those years ago, so why would his brother feel any different? But it's a different hurt that lingers around this situation, because I love Chase in a different way than I did Cale. I thought we were friends.

Chase shifts so he's facing me and not the ocean. "No, it's not that—"

"I mean you probably are more into the Kylie or Bailey type, right?" I ask trying to comb through the web of confusion that wraps around this conversation.

He shakes his head. "No, I'm not," he says clearly.

My eyebrows rise in puzzlement at the direction of this conversation now.

He shrugs his shoulders. "I mean I do, and you," he says. "You're all beautiful I know that, but I just can't...I don't," he mumbles unable to find words for the thoughts that are running through his head. 

Suddenly everything falls into place. "What about Max?" I ask. I know I can be completely wrong in this moment, but something tells me I'm not.

Chase's eyes grow wide at my words. "What?" he asks breathless.

"Do you find Max attractive?" I ask with the slight tilt of my head.

Chase opens his mouth trying to grasp the right words for this moment. "I mean...what is attractive really?" he stutters awkwardly.

"Chase, do you like boys?" I ask carefully as a gust of wind waves over a small mist from the ocean that lightly hits us. I don't want to make him mad, and I'm not judging. It's just a question.

"No, of course not!" he shouts offended by my words. His face is beat red and his hands lie in fists against the sand. "I like girls," he says through gritted teeth.

"Are you bi?" I ask hesitantly. He's mad at me already so I might as well continue asking. I could be so wrong right now, but for some reason I don't think I am. And I think Chase needs someone here for him, so that's what I'm going to do.

"God, Grayson no!" he barks once again.

I lift my hands in show of surrender. "Okay, okay, okay Chase," I say trying to calm him down. He's all worked up now, and I don't want him to blow up. Especially on me, I'm on his side and just trying to understand where he is coming from. I place a tentative hand on his shoulder. His body jerks away for a second, but then settles against my touch knowing I'm still here for him. "Are you confused?" I whisper.

His sad eyes lift to meet mine glistening with salted tears. "I am," he nods slowly.

My hand that sits on his shoulder gently traces patterns on his back in a soothing manner. "That's okay," I assure him. And it is okay. It takes time to really find out who we are in this world, and sometimes it takes a little longer. Chase has spent so much time in the shadow of his brothers he probably hasn't taken the time to find himself.

"Is it?" he asks as his eyes watch the ocean dance against the sand.

A small smile lifts my lips. "Yes, of course it is," I say with a small pause. "But can I ask you something?"

He doesn't say anything so I take that as my go ahead.

"Have you talked to anyone about this, like your brothers?" I ask softly knowing this may not be my place, but at the same time wanting to show I care about him and what's best for him.

Chase lets out a hard laugh. "Yeah right."

"What?" I ask. "Are you not close to Cale?"

He lifts a single shoulder dismissively to my question. Okay, so not close to Cale. 

"What about your other brothers?" I test.

He shakes his head. "Clayton is closer to Cale than I am," he tells me.

"What about your oldest brother?" I question not knowing much about the eldest Hasting.

"Colt is close to no one," he says with a roll of his eyes.

"You're father?" I push one last time.

He turns his head to lock his eyes on me. "I don't want to disappoint him—"

"Chase..." I trail.

His eyes lower to the ground as a tear breaks free and falls into the sand and suddenly becomes lost. "You don't know him Grayson," he whispers.

"But—"

He cuts me off. "You don't," he finishes.

And with that we both face the rolling waves of the ocean, and don't say another word on the subject of Chase and his confusing feelings. It makes me sad that he doesn't feel like he can go to anyone about this. I wonder how long it has been eating him up inside, and how long he has been dying to tell someone. Anyone. I wish he could see what I see, which is a loving family that I know would accept him. Even though he isn't at the point of accepting himself yet, and until then I know how hard it can be to come to terms with certain confusing feelings.

But till then, I will be there for him. I always will be.

"Do you know how you're going to fix the mistake you made?" Chase asks out of nowhere.

My hand that rests on his against the sand grips on tighter. I close my eyes and wet my lips before I open my eyes to the vast sea before me.

I nod my throat dry. "Yes," I rasp. "I do."

And I do. I know exactly what I have to do in this moment.